can't get comfortable with where I am -- thoughts welcome (long)

[almost789]

And one more thing. You hit the nail on the head! Yes, you have to change glasses when dealing with a pwBPD. There are your "normal" glasses with your normal boundaries and such for regular people, then there are your "BPD" glasses for your person with BPD where sometimes you loosen some of those boundaries because you want them in your life. It is your choice though. Your choice, your boundaries. Maybe they don't match with mine or others, who cares, this is your life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maria1]

It is your life P & C and it is your choice. It disturbs me that you continually choose men who hurt you because you believe that they you love you. Men who hurt you and leave you do not love you and you are not giving yourself what you deserve. I can say this until the cows come home but you will choose what you will choose. I chose what I chose and I respect your right to make a different choice ultimately. There is no point in making the wrong one for you and regretting it because it won't help you to detach anyway.

Think about what you would want your daughter to choose. Try and make the same healthy choice for you. It isn't enough that he loves you. My pwBPD loves me in his way but he will destroy me if I keep him in my life in any way. And thats because he has to push away those that he loves; he uses the exact same words. That means the ones who can cope with his behaviour get the biggest pushes and that actually means more and more pain and abuse for me. For me enough is enough and that was my choice. I'm sorry you have to make any choice.

Also, for balance, my pwBPD does reach out. I'm saying that because I know we have compared notes on the similarities between our exes. It takes a few months (2-3 typically) but he does and from what I have read others do too. They make it look like anything other than a reach out, just so that they can avoid that rejection.

[Cardinals in Flight]

P&C,

You've gotten great, heartfelt insight here, I'll not repeat any of it.

You know where I am right now, and while it may not be a good space, it's my truth, that isn't ever wrong IMO.

Your post title, "you can't get comfortable"... .  that's it!  You know deep down in your heart of hearts that this is an uncomfortable place.  Our natural instincts protect us if we listen.  When something feels off, it's because it IS.

Trust that my dear friend, trust yourself, trust God or your higher power to take care of you.  It's the single most important piece of advice ever written.

[almost789]

Yeah PC, I know your not comfortable with the situation. Who would be? He moved away and you've not spoken in a few months. . I do know you have a brain of your own and wouldn't make your life decisions based on what us internet folks on the internet say about our life, I certainly hope so anyway. My situation is not like yours exactly, my person with BPD is not a significant part of my life anymore, he's a friend thats it. I try to be there for him. I have other significant people in my life. So, in that sense me staying with my pwBPD as a friend doesn't jeopardize my well being. Im not emotionally dependant on him. You can't be emotionally dependent on a person with BPD. Im not sure you have fully grasped that yet. It seems like you were hoping that he would overcome his intimacy problems if you would just do everything perfectly and I felt the same way but it doesn't work that way, it takes a few drops on the head before you get it. At least it did for me.

[yeeter]

Hi PC,

In parts of your post, it sounds like you are still waiting for him to 'get it'. 

Most likely will never really happen.  The wires just aren't connected for it.

So what's left is for you to take a step back and assess, realistically, what you can, and can not get from the relationship.  Not what is 'possible'.  But what is 'probable'

From there you can decide if you can live with it.

But it's all on you to do.  You can't expect, or even rely on his inputs if he did give them (unlikely to remain consistent).  The focus of your attention is you... .  

[123Phoebe]

I spent a lot of time daily wondering whether I ought to try to do something about this situation, or whether I am really OK with it being the end if he doesn't make an effort to reach back over the chasm that has now opened up.

P&C, I don't want to downplay or invalidate where you're at in this process at all.  It's too easy to sit on this side of the computer and tell people what I think will work for them, only because it's worked for me.  We're all different with entirely unique ways of doing things and we're coping with situations and people that are just as unique... .  

That being said... .  

When your thoughts start going to him, do you feel like it would benefit you to try to stop that thought midstream and do something different?  Like, go and get a glass of water.  Look at a beautiful flower.  Look out the window to see if there's a squirrel or a bird in plain sight.  Anything other than wondering about whether or not etc etc... .  

Rewire your brain to thoughts of pleasant things.  Things that are present and here and that are available to you.  It might sound hokey, but this is exactly the sort of thing that turned my life around and helped me to detach.

Each and every time a thought about doing something concerning him comes wafting in, do something for yourself instead, right then.

It can't hurt

[sm15000]

Rewire your brain to thoughts of pleasant things.  Things that are present and here and that are available to you.  It might sound hokey, but this is exactly the sort of thing that turned my life around and helped me to detach.

Each and every time a thought about doing something concerning him comes wafting in, do something for yourself instead, right then.

I completely agree. . .it isn't easy but has any of this been 

What has happened has made you feel uncomfortable, and I'm not suprised.  But do you really want to 'react' to NC. . .would this make you feel any more comfortable?

You have been through a long, hard process and you should congratulate yourself for successfully continuing contact with someone (who you obviously want in your life) considering his issues.  This isn't easy. . .and I should imagine everyone on these boards who have managed to remain in their ex's lives have gone through difficult times and many ups and downs.

If you want to remain in contact, something will have to change. . .think of it as another part of the learning process.  Sit with how you feel for a while - you don't have to make any rash decisions about whether you want him in or out of your life.  Try the mindfulness techniques while you are doing so. 

Personally, I would leave him for now while you focus yourself. . .I know 2 months may seem a long time but it's not really. . .let him come to you this time.  Of course, if it goes on without any contact you may feel differently.