SI, how to express your concern with out trigging a responce?

[qwaszx]

Ok so i was reading on the do's and don't board... .  i've made a mess of this topic with her by stating how what she does to herself affects me in a negative manner. opps! she SI in many ways, the main one is binging. I ended up getting tired of her beating herself up about the weight she put on(her weights always been an issue growing up and shes always been made fun of for it, shes either starving or binging)

when we first moved in together, when she was down and would binge she would lock herself away, only coming out to get mass amounts of food, i ended up gaining her trust and she was ok to unlock the doors. like i dont care how much weight she puts on or how much she takes off(of course its a health concern either way if she staves herself or if she binges to obesity), all i care about her how she feels about herself, the weight itself will come and go as her feelings about herself change... .  it actually always confused me, why would i care what she eats?(she explained her healthy eating habits to me, explained why she ate what she did, etc when i first moved in and she was on a OCD type health things) or why would i care how she looks?  shes my friend, i love her regardless of how much or little weight she puts on.

So my question is, right now i just give her grumpy text faces when she sends me texts with ((o.o)) (her stupid fat face) or the newest ) (her weird fat face)... .  i also told her i dont like when she sends me self-degrading texts, have asked her not to, tried explaining how it effects me... . etc... .  so what should my reaction be when shes degrading herself? sometimes I just want yell at her not to do it if you feel so much shame and pain from it after, but I know it soothes her in a way…and it would make her feel worse if I did and make her SI worse.

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[iluminati]

Let me ask you something.  Is there a pattern to the binges?  Is it tied to anything going on in her life or your relationship?  I know my wife has an issue with that, and I can pretty much tell when she does it.  Of course, I pay it no mind, because otherwise, I know I'll get sucked into whatever is going on in her head. 

[qwaszx]

The only thing i've noticed is when she starts to get sad, most the time i dont think anything has changed,every little thing starts to set her off and i notice her falling, it was very routine... .  its when she starts to feel like she losing control, and negative feelings come back. She does it to block her emotions.

At least that was when i lived with her, away from her mom, and in our own place. Shes been binging for the last year pretty well non stop because she feels so poorly about herself and her live. she does it so she doesnt have to feel. and doesnt have to feel empty. once she starts, she hates herself from day one, she wont stop, and just digs herself into a self-made grave.

[waverider]

I've been through all sorts of versions of self harming behavior. I found best thing is to acknowledge that I can see she is hurting and maybe ask if there is anything I can do to make her feel better. I dont judge her, or tell her to stop, or say anything about how it is affecting me (while it is happening) that just adds more pressure and guilt to the hurt. It is their pain and you are taking away its importance, or over shadowing it, by talking about how it hurts you (invalidating)

They dont want to do it, they just feel they have to do it to relieve an emotional hurt they feel powerless over, often by turning it into something physical they can feel and maybe have control over.

If you wish discuss how it affects you leave it until such a time it is not happening and use SET.

[qwaszx]

ok i'll try that. Thanks

[CodependentHusband]

When my dBPDw starts with self-loathing, I reassure her briefly, but I don't allow myself to stay engaged in her pain. It's tough to do at first, but with practice, it has become much easier. It takes a while to realize that there really is nothing to can do to fill that void for her. When I finally REALLY understood that, it's made it a lot easier. Ironically, from my past experience, continuing to engage in conversations with her of this nature actually made the periods of dysregulation last longer than they do now. I think that is because I don't continue to entertain all of the negativity. I usually disengage by saying something like, "if there is something I can do to help, please let me know," and, basically, I don't listen to much more negativity during that particular episode. Her reaction at first was a bit strong, but she adjusted after a few weeks.

[waverider]

It is a form of dysregulation, and with any form of dysregulation engaging usually makes things worse as everything becomes an unpredictable trigger.

[qwaszx]

Its silly cuz i know in the back of my mind all this stuff, its all their, i just haven't let it really set in, i know i cant really do more then being there for her(and for the most part i do say what you've both suggested, the main thing i say is, "i can tell your feeling worried/scared/sad/ashamed etc, i just wanted to let you know im here if you want a friend or if you want to talk about it" and tell her i love her. she doesn’t want to feel, so she doesn’t wanta talk about anything anymore either, she just tries to numb it all away and if she does start to open up its hidden and then shhh's me before i can ask or give anything).

i cant be more then just being her friend, i cant protect her from herself. she needs help opening her eyes again though, letting her know its really not so bad out here, people who dont judging her, people whos views arent distorted also, somewhere she can feel safe to live... .  one of her childhood best friends is going to come over this weekend, i hope he can reach her, i hope she doesnt just tell him to go away(thats what she told me shes goin to do) or I hope he knows better than to listen, shes blocked out the world, scared to talk, or let anyone she cares about in, or see her cuz that in its self will make her feel ashamed. even though we dont judge her.

i knew what i needed to do when we lived together, i knew what made things worse, i new what to ignore, i knew when to get involved, i knew what to say and do, the only thing i didnt do then was reinforce all my boundary’s so I wouldn’t burn out, and now since we dont live together i dont know what to say in order to get her going again... . (and yes i know its her choice and i have to let her fall but i guess some of me still feels guilty for letting her fall this hard in the first place, and not somehow helping her out more now, but i do help her out, just not the way i used to, not in a way that'll hurt me at all. i somehow end up feeling responsible for her well-being. when i know im not and there is not a whole lot i can do for her right now, somepoint i guess shes have to figure it out own, but i dont know she will... .  

[Chosen]

When my dBPDw starts with self-loathing, I reassure her briefly, but I don't allow myself to stay engaged in her pain. It's tough to do at first, but with practice, it has become much easier. It takes a while to realize that there really is nothing to can do to fill that void for her. When I finally REALLY understood that, it's made it a lot easier. Ironically, from my past experience, continuing to engage in conversations with her of this nature actually made the periods of dysregulation last longer than they do now. I think that is because I don't continue to entertain all of the negativity. I usually disengage by saying something like, "if there is something I can do to help, please let me know," and, basically, I don't listen to much more negativity during that particular episode. Her reaction at first was a bit strong, but she adjusted after a few weeks.

Well said, CodependentHusband!  This is what I have been slowly learning too.  uBPDh expects me to make things better for him, so when he tells me he feels rubbish about himself, he expects me to make him feel better.  I will try to validate, then reassure a bit, then if he keeps going then I just fade off the reassurance, because it's not like repeating it 100 times will make him believe it. 

Of course, he will not like it and say I don’t love him, I shut up when I don’t want to speak, and I won’t argue with that (what’s the point, really?).  But I do find it kind of helps him “snap out of it” quicker.