New here and another victim from another BPD ex gf

[Mr Bean]

Hi people. I'm new here, well i've been lurking for sometime researching BPD. Like most of you, i also dated a BPD girl (undiagnosed). We were in long distance relationship (different country) but I've seen her a few times already. It never crossed my mind that she has BPD. Well, I knew there was something wrong with her but I couldn't figure it out why. I've read a lot of post regarding BPD and omg, she's like an open textbook. In fact some of the words that she said also got mentioned in this forum (e.g: I feel like a whore). Some of her BPD traits are:

1. Irrational jealousy. Accusing me of cheating with my female friends. Since I live in overseas, I went to the country I was born and met a few of my good female friends. She was really jealous and accusing me all the times of cheating on her. In fact, she asked me to promise not to see one of my female friends anymore. In fact, she's also jealous with my male cousin. She said I've forgotten about her since I've met my cousins and friends.

2. The stage of idealization, clinger and devaluation. When we started dating which was 3.5 years ago, I felt like god. She kept sending me text, probably 40 texts a day, kept chatting in yahoo messenger everyday and sending message in FB. Then bought her a new blackberry since it has BBM messenger so we chatted everyday in bbm. I also felt undumpable because i thought she was very jealous of me and it means she really loved me. Clinger type started when she became possessive and controlling me. Like she wants all attention to be given to her. She kept complaining if she was around and I played with my blackberry chatting with someone else. She said I wasn’t paying attention to her. The devaluation stage when she dumped me after she recycled one of her ex that she met from FB. They haven’t met for 30 years. She went behind my back, emailed her ex and lied to me. She said that guy found her in FB. She dumped me without any empathy or reason. I even wonder if she had a feelings after 3.5 years. One day she liked me, the next day just “boom”. That’s it. I’m in love with this guy and you get fxxk off

3. Emotional abuse and mood swing. One day she’s nice, calm, full of attention and friendly. The next day, she gets angry without any reason. She’s angry for small things. Things like why don’t I reply to her message when I go out with my friends, why do I keep getting sick when I go out with her, etc, etc, etc. Once I yelled at her, she went home and kept terrorizing me. Kept calling me in the hotel and I had to ask truce through her brother so she could stop. There was a stage that I was so scared that I might’ve said something that made her angry.  She also checked my blackberry and once found out in the chat I mentioned her . She was very angry and kept telling me I was bad. Well, she breached my privacy and she’s the one who got angry.

4. Victim of love. She felt like a victim of love. She had a few past relationships and went no where. Once she was about to get married but the guy left her 3 weeks before they were about to get married. After that, she had a relationship when the guy had a wife already. She mentioned that she didn’t know that guy had a wife after they went out for 5 years. I doubted it. Like someone already mentioned in the forum, some of BPD are very good in reading minds. She’s one of them. And I don’t believe she has never known.

5. No empathy. Like I might’ve mentioned already, she just dumped me like a piece of trash when she found her ex from FB. She told me in bbm that she’s got someone now and they’re about to get married. Our 3.5 years together including I took her overseas for holiday, bought her a lot of expensive stuffs, means nothing to her. She still wanted me to be friends with her and boy, I was glad I made a right decision. I went NC straight away and we haven’t talked in 3 months. I feel so much better

6. Intense relationship. Her relationship with other people is so questionable. She hates her nephew, sister in law, criticize a lot of her friends, bad mouthing and cursing my friends.

Thanks for reading. I feel much better now.

[TonyK]

Hello, Mr Bean.

I'm sorry you have to go through this entire experience. I've been there, most of the people in this forum have been there, so we all know what you're going through. It will take time, but it will get better. You can count on that, no matter how difficult this may sound to you right now.

My only objection to your post regards the title and particularly the word ''victim''. Please, do not consider yourself a victim of your exBPDgf. There's no such thing as victimization. All of us detected the numerous red flags in our BPD ex partners, but preferred to ignore them and continue being with them at practically any personal cost for us. We've chosen to become their ''victims'', if you prefer it like that.

The true question is, why did we allow this to ourselves? Instead of focusing on her, try to start focusing on yourself, in order to find answers to this question.

Take care.   

[Validation78]

Hi Mr. Bean!

I too am sorry to hear of your pain and anguish. Relationships with pwBPD are complex and difficult to understand while they are happening, and the aftermath is not much better. We must deal with the fallout, and get our emotions in check, which is a struggle after accessing what we've been through. It's doable, just requires strength and determination.

What you are feeling is normal and understandable. You must go through a process of feelings, and emotions, and feeling like a victim is very common. However, as Tony aptly points out, looking at ourselves as victims allows us to point the finger of blame at the pwBPD. Although many of us were "duped" so to speak, if we are honest with ourselves, we played a role in the dysfunctional dance as well. Now is a good time for you to take this experience and turn it around to accomplish something good. Take a good hard look at yourself, and determine what role you did play, and how you can avoid a repeat performance in the future.

This isn't easy, no doubt. What steps can you take now, to move on from the victim role, and decide that you want to heal? You have to heal from the wounds of the relationship, and the wounds that were likely there before the relationship. Can you use this as a catalyst to peace and healthiness? Let me tell you, it sure beats focusing on the person with the mental illness! We can't control what they do from here, yet we have all of the control over what we do from here!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Mr Bean]

Thanks for the reply guys.

I felt like a victim because I didn't know about this disorder. It's after a few months research that I found this website and understand about the disorder. One thing that I still can't get it either, she moves on so quickly. Exactly like those people with BPD. In fact, she was already looking for my replacement when we still in r/s. In a day or two, she's been saying a lot of "miss you" and "love you" to this new guy. I know that I played the part to be in relationship too and before I knew she has BPD, I was just blaming everything on her. How could she dump me after i've bought her a lot of things and taken her overseas? Now I understand she has BPD. Well, am glad that she dumped then since I wasn't feeling happy either with her possessiveness, jealousy, etc, etc, etc. Am just waiting till that guy realise she's not a catch at all. She's like a time bomb that's ticking

[Murbay]

Mr Bean,

I'm truly sorry to hear about your experiences and understand the difficulties you faced during your relationship.

As TonyK pointed out though, do not carry the guilt or responsibility for this relationship by viewing yourself as a victim. I don't think there are many people out there who went into their relationships with all the information at hand and most of us are here as a result of hindsight. Viewing yourself as a victim does not allow you to move forward and by moving forward, it means seeing the relationship for what it was, finding the answers to your questions, learning from your experience and taking those lessons forward.

You would be very surprised at how much you can learn about yourself and why you ended up in the relationship you did. You cannot change the fact it happened, neither can you change the person but hopefully it has given you questions to ask about yourself and help improve who you are. It won't stop the pain or give you the answers you want to hear but it should bring you some comfort to know that you can heal and live a healthy life.

[BlushAndBashful]

Mr. Bean-  . I empathize with your situation and hope you find a lot of good material here to help you on your journey.

To others, this is Mr Bean's first post. I think it's a bit too soon to be jumping on his case telling him what words to use or not use and how he needs to view himself.  That's pretty harsh for a newbie.

The pain, hurt, confusion, anger, sadness we feel is still very real for us, and we need time and work to process through these things. Sometimes the  advice we give (true or not) can add salt to the wounds and aren't helpful. My two cents.

 Mauser

[Mr Bean]

Thanks for your good advice murbay. Really appreciate it. And mauser, thanks to you too. Yes, they are right i shouldnt feel myself like a victim but like i have said before, i didnt know she had BPD traits. At that time i thought she was this type of girls who loves playing around with men. Till i found this website and have read so many posts regarding BPD. Sometimes i doubt it myself. I still cant believe she has BPD. I thought probably am just making some excuses and assume she has BPD. But to my surprise all the BPD traits are there. I keep pinching myself. The only traits that she doesnt have one is suicidal tendency, substance abuse or got abused when she was a child. I reckon she is a high functioning BPD. Other traits are there and in fact i thought we all were dating the same girl. The more i read the threads the more i could find the simliarity

Now i dont feel like a victim anymore. I have gone nc for 3 months now and feel a lot better. And its all thanks to this forum as well. I understand what BPD is all about. Cant wait till what she'd do with her new bf. they are still in idealization phase now... .

[Murbay]

Sincere apologies if it felt like jumping on your case, it was not intended in that way at all.

Rather, a different outlook to how we view ourselves at the various stages. I contacted the Therapist after an initial 3 month break after he had seen both my ex and me individually, during which time, I was repeatedly told by my ex that the therapist agreed with her and that I was the issue (though I later found out this was a control technique she was using to stop me going back to see him and starting my own healing process). I told my ex that I was starting therapy again and she got in contact with the therapist too. He accepted my e-mail and ignored hers.

The reason for this, I recognised the situation I was in, I also recognised I was co-dependent in an abusive relationship and that I no longer wanted to be a victim. My ex e-mail, pretty much carried on from her initial appointments and that she was perfect and I was the issue.

The very first thing he said in my appointment back was lose the victim label (he is against labels anyway) because I was not responsible for her illness nor can I change the illness, it is what it is and he seriously doubts anyone can help her until she is ready to accept it herself. Start with your own healing because it is truly the only thing you have any control over and it will help you find peace and clarity 

[flynavy]

MrBean... . I empathize with you.  I have finally got to the point in the detachment phase where I truly see her for what she is.  It took almost 11 months!  Does this sound familiar:


It really was like walking on eggshells….cause ya never knew what would send her off into a rage.

WHO SHE REALLY IS and the types of behavior she exhibited and perhaps why she is what she is:

•   May have had inappropriate contact at young age with male family member….she actually divulged this to me early on but wouldn’t say who because she said….”she did not want me to hate this person”.  This too may have been one of her lies to get me to be her “the knight in shining armor” to come to her rescue and feel so sorry for the victim.

•   In a sexual relationship with an 18 year old boy/man when she was 13 and stayed with him all through high school…making him 22 when she graduated…true.

•   When family went on vacation , she stayed home and was with her sister’s boyfriend the whole week…she actually told her sister that when they returned from vacation…more than likely was sexual.  She was 19…sister 18.

•   Married early to an abusive alcoholic for a short time

•   Married again because she was pregnant.  Stayed with him 10 years because he had $.  As soon as his business fell apart she divorced him, 4 kids unfortunately for them, later

•   Began quite a promiscuous (sorry…just a lot of different guys) lifestyle after her divorce and then met a guy in her development and actually got engaged to him and then called it off for what reason no one really knows

•   Moved by her sister and started dating her now boyfriend (8 years now)

•   Would still see her first ex husband…even go on vacation with him.

•   Tried on line dating and getting fixed up by friends and seeing guys who are reps from work on occasion while she is in a so called committed relationship with her current boyfriend.

•   All the time keeping her personal life very private from her family and probably only one real friend…who let’s just say has the same moral fabric

•   She has fling with guy she met in a home improvement big box store because he is a “snappy dresser”…her words.  Cops/bounty hunters come to her house because he is wanted for identity fraud and goes to jail.  She may still see him/talk on occasion.  He was a married man.

•   Went out with a much older man who lost his wife …almost got married till the children intervened and stopped it.  I hear he was probably 15 years older maybe more.  He had a lot of money….see a pattern.  Her current 8 year boyfriend has a lot of money.

•   She meets me while committed to her current boyfriend

•   Accepts my marriage proposal

•   Accepts her current boyfriends proposal for marriage 2 weeks after accepting mine and dumps me…it was done very “coldly”

•   Starts seeing me for sex 2 months later while engaged – unbeknownst to me!

•   We start seeing each other regularly (4-5 times a week…mainly sexual) while she is engaged

•   I ask her to marry me again after seeing her for 8 months again…she says yes…again.  Still not sure if she is still engaged to the other guy

•   We come home one day and find a big penis drawn on her car and stuff thrown off of the deck and broken…could it be her disgruntled boyfriend who sees me there at her house everyday.

•   I start full investigation because something comes over me (compelled to do so)

•   When I find out the whole story, I call off wedding 1 month before

•   She is outraged, will not leave, becomes physically and verbally abusive

•   Finally leaves the next day

•   She is back with her current boyfriend but still rendezvous with me for sex on a routine basis

•   Her boyfriend find out one night and shows up at my house…I have to call the police because they would not leave my front yard

•   She still sees me for sex in hotels etc. while she got back with her current boyfriend again…God knows what she told him to make that happen?

•   She continues to text/call (and me too so I am no angel I guess)until I finally say enough is enough on April 24, 2013….Know why…she is in Florida text flirting with me…I meet her at airport to surprise her when she gets in ….guess who also is there.  I do not confront…but it is affirmation just how sick she really is…they were holding hands/smiling/ like an engaged couple should I guess!  When she knew I saw her with her boyfriend she actually said…”you should have seen my face when I saw him there…guess what…I did…and she looked pretty damn happy walking to the baggage claim swinging hands held like two 16 years olds. Oh My God!... . did I look that ridiculous when I was with her doing the same thing….Ahhhhhhh!

•   Just sold her house…I painted it and spent a lot of $s on rugs, the listing on line, her first husband did landscaping for her at this house and her current boyfriend put in driveway and double decker deck…that’s just all I know about.  God knows how many other guys money is tied up in that house!

They have no empathy!... . my ex would say anything... . even apologized for hurting me just to reel me back in which her sisters said she has never apologized to anyone for anything... . I must be special right... . she can't let go once attached... . men were like trophys for her.  I found all sorts of letters... . good and bad... . cards... . gifts she keeps/hides of her prey!

[Mr Bean]

Hey murbay, nothing to apologize man. You meant well and i shouldnt see myself as a victim so i can move on. I dont see myself as a victim anymore cos thats what BPD is. Am being painted black by her too now. Recently she deleted my twin bro's contact in blackberry messenger cos she thought i was using his blackberry. But the truth is i have my bro blackberry cos it needs to be fixed. I just updated the status that i will be in my ex country on friday in blackberry messenger. Guess she read it and probably she is still angry or jealous that i will ignore and wont meet her anymore... .

Flynavy some of your stories are similar to mine. Especially the money things. I also bought my ex a lot of stuffs, took her overseas trips and had meals in expensive restaurants. She also dumped me coldly. Just took her a day to get it over me. You cant put something logical to illogical. She doesnt have empathy   either and with her new bf she put their photos together everywhere, took him to church group, keep saying "love you", miss you, etc... . . She is showing off to people her new bf. Oh i forgot she is also 48 years old and never been married once. Well a long time ago her fiancee left her. Hahaha, i just want to see how long this guy can put up with her before he runs away... .

[Mr Bean]

My aunty just told me last night my ex just got married after 3 months with this new guy. Well its probably marriage since not so many relatives knew they got married. Or probably their engagement? Well, i dont know. But my point is they move on so fast and heartless. Well she is still in idealization stage. I wonder, is it only me who feels she has BPD or this guy cant see there is smething wrong with her   

[crystalclear]

Mr Bean - i was surprised reading about the behavior of your ex gf with BPD. My ex Bf (undiagnosed) behaved the exact same way... . I only discovered and believe he is pwBPD and NPD... .

Points 1,2,3 and 5 are spot on! Ours was a LDR too (1.5 yrs)... . i would visit him more often... . he had once suddenly decided to fly to me as i asked for space... . And he would think i was dating other men when i said i was just meeting my good old  friends (guys)... . He had dumped after 1.5 yrs without working on the r/s and no empathy or remorse of what he put me through. Its been 4 months for the breakup... . he never called me (only drunk dialed on my bday but just to wish me) he is already engaged to a new girl... . getting married next month... .

I guess there is nothing much we can do but feel happy and relieved that the nightmare did not unravel furthermore... . i hoped and waited for him to see the light one day and return to me... . he did not, as he saw me as the undeserving person who frustrated him and waste his time... . he must have painted me black in his friends and family... . i stuck by this r/s even when i was tortured and tormented emotionally and beyond... . I do not know how these learning in life help us when they bruise our ego, leave scars for life, lessen our faith in love and goodness... .

[bewildered2]

hey mr bean,

sorry to hear that you too have been borderlined.

dont beat yourself up. you fell in love with a girl, and you believed that she was in love with you too. why? because she gave you that impression. and, at times, she was.

but the sad fact is that BPD means that she can not have a healthy loving relationship with you, or anyone. it just can't happen. it is like pushing a quadrapalegic in a wheelchair up to the starting line of the Olympic marathon and expecting them to run 26 miles. it can not happen.

there is an explanation for all of your ex-BPDgf's behavior. the root cause is chronic deepseated unhappiness, and an irrational and overwhelming fear of being abandoned.

everything else follows from that. she can drop you in a heartbeat and move on because in her disordered mind, either she has to dump you before you dump her (e.g. abandonment), or because she wakes up one morning and she is desperately unhappy, doesnt know why, and so she blames you. then she flips into painting you black (opposite of idealization), and then she latches onto the first person who comes along who will pay her some attention, and then she idealizes him instead of you... . and so the cycle continues.

she is a user. she used you to make herself feel good. and when the drug, you, wasnt working, she found a new drug.

as you know, the new drug, guy, wont work either. because she has to fix her own problems instead of relying on other people to make her happy.

and chances are that she will get in contact with you again once the new drug isn't working.

so the question is, are your prepared for that, and what will you do if she gets back in touch?

b2

   

[Mr Bean]

If they are really married now, will they be happy? U reckon am only making this BPD up and in fact its me who got problem? Am in her country now and somehow still remember our good times. U reckon she would show her BPD behaviour to the new guy? But how come they got married? Am still devastated of how fast she forgot about me and moved on. She doesnt have a glimpse image of me.

But she is married now. How come she wouldnt feel secure? I hate this BPD people playing with our feeling, made me fell in love and dumped me

Bewildered, i have done something to her that made her hate me as well. Would she really get in contact with me again? No, i dont think i could accept her even if she comes back 

[bewildered2]

mr bean,

in answer to your questions, she will repeat the cycle that she did with you with the new guy. she will start out happy, and then it will deteriorate, and then end badly. just like it does in all relationships with a borderline.

BPD exists. i dont think you are the problem. if she has BPD, then she is the problem. and it can not be fixed.

the new guy will get the same BPD behaviour.

they got married because he asked her, and he asked her while she was still putting him on the pedestal, thiking he is the answer and cure to her unhappiness. that will change. guaranteed.

she will never feel secure for long. she will always worry that she will be abandoned. and she will break the relationship up before he leaves her. and she will leave him or a new sucker. and it will start all over again.

if she hates you (it is called being "painted black", it might be because of something you did, or just as easily, she invesnted it all in her head. remember that she has a mental illness called BPD. so she imagines all kinds of strange things in her head (she's crazy).

she might get in touch with you. it is not guaranteed.

if she comes back, then i can guarantee you that you will suffer more abuse, and that her behaviour towards you will get worse not better.

why? because she has a borderline personality disorder.

stop taking her s__t. she is a horrible, obnoxious, crazy person who will abuse you and you deserve better than that, dont you?

b2

 

[Mr Bean]

Bewildered, thanks for your reply. I keep thinking if this new guy put up his boundary high, probably those things that happened to me would never happen to him? And i also thought with them being married she would feel secure since me and her were only dating.

Hopefully she wont contact me anymore. Thats the reason i have done something. Well i just hope she hates me enough and no matter what happens with this new guy she wont contact me anymore.

I also heard this new guy gave her necklace with diamond   Didnt she remember that i gave her a lot of stuffs too? 

Even if she doesnt have BPD, i would still run away from her. Her action shows someone whose reall fuxxk in the head.

[DivorcedNon]

Mr Bean,

I believe that NC is the only way to go. You did three months of NC and that is great. One year after divorce from my BPDxw and total NC I do not care if she remarries the POS she is with. Actually, the vindictive side of me wants them to marry! My personal goal is to reach total indeference. I am not there yet.

As pointed out here by many, untreated BPD will lead to yet another failed relationship and more misery. That is as certain as the sunrise tomorrow morning.

With all the suffering and collateral damage I am focusing on my 50% and I am still figuring out unhealthy part in me that attracted my to a high functioning but still mentally ill person. There were early signs but I ignored them. I thought I was better than the other guys in her life. I like the term "undumpable" that you used That is exactly how I felt. However, I admit now that was unhealthy. It was based on me knowing of her huge fear of abandonment. When she left me I had to face my own fear of abandonment.

Recovery will take long time but it gets better. There is plenty of fish in the sea, just watch for the BPD fish

[BlushAndBashful]

And i also thought with them being married she would feel secure since me and her were only dating.

I'm ex wife #3. Not one marriage of his lasted more than 2 years. That's how "secure" marriage is.

[Mr Bean]

Thans for the reply guys.

I thought with her being married, her insecurity would be gone. I would feel that way if I were her. I know that I can't be sure if she has BPD or not since she is undiagnosed but even if she didn't, I would still run away. The relationship was so topxic and not to mention the emotional abuse that she has done. She treated me like a piece of trash and dumped in a day, got married after 3 months.

I did feel like undumpable. She was so jealous of me, paid a lot of attention and she even cried when I got sick because she was so scared something was gonna happen to me. That's why I felt there is now way in helll she would have dumped me. That's why I still feel devastated.

Yeah you re right mauser, even if she is married it wouldn't mean anything. It is only a matter of time till the bomb explodes

[bewildered2]

I thought with her being married, her insecurity would be gone. I would feel that way if I were her. I did feel like undumpable. She was so jealous of me, paid a lot of attention and she even cried when I got sick because she was so scared something was gonna happen to me. That's why I felt there is now way in helll she would have dumped me.

She dumped you before you could dump her. And she dumped you because she had strong feelings for you. It is a paradox, I know. But that's the way it is with a Borderline. That's what mental illness is all about.

And she will do it to the next guy, and the next guy after that, and to the guys that come after all of them.

She will break off relationships, once they get serious, every time. In her disordered mind, having a relationship ends up with her partner leaving her, which causes pain. This is what she probably learned in childhood, from experience. And so she protects herself by doing the leaving.

Crazy. Because she wants intimacy, and wants a close relationship, but she cant handle it when it arrives, and hits the circuit breaker, then starts the cycle all over again.

Mental illness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

She is as crazy as crazy comes.

b2   

[Mr Bean]

I heard they look very happy during the small wedding celeberation. Well don't know that for sure anyway. But if she wasn't happy why did she say yes when that guy asked to marry him. Sometimesi still beat myself up, probably her disorder only came out when she was with me. And with other guy it would be gone. I hate those BPD. They can fuxxk up your mind. Same with my friend recently. I believe he was also dating someone with BPD.

Actually she dumped me because she found a new guy. She found a new drug to satisfy her. And i thought this guy would satisfy her by marrying her.

I know this might sound a stupid question. Based on what I wrote, do you thinkthat it shows BPD traits? Yeah I know were not professional. I just feel so sure because I have read a lot of threads in this forum and somehow I found a lot similar stories

[bewildered2]

put BPD to the side for a moment.

is her behavior normal?

how did it make you feel?

walk away buddy... . she is bad news... . for you... . for anybody... .

b2

[Mr Bean]

No, i dont think her behaviour is normal. My gut feelings always told me there was something wrong with her. But i didnt know what! She was very controlling and abusing me emotionally till i got scared to speak to her. Scared she might blow up. She always picked a fight regarding small things and accusing me of having affairs which i never did. Her behaviour is exactly like what i have written in the first post.