Push pull engulfment abandonment all in one

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys,

Been in contact with the ex after 2 years break up. She contacted me after she found out I went on a date and then initiate a meet up by asking for some antibiotics I could get for her tooth infection (even though she could get them herself from the GP)

Anyway,  we've been speaking and meeting up semi regularly and she's had the odd moment of jealousy and argued.

The latest scenario was after spending the Friday with her going out having a good time then going back to hers having a takeaway etc lying down on the sofa messaging each other watching a film and the usual pull.

Anyway Saturday comes and I've arranged to go out with a few friends and we're exchanging txts and I mention that I'm out with friends having drinks on the night. She turns on me and says we shouldn't speak and then gets semi critical towards me and says pick up your glasses (that I left round hers) from her mum tomorrow because she's not going to go in. I ask what I've done wrong and she says you can do what you want.

I really don't understand this behaviour. We aren't together but she's flirty flirty with me but whenever I go for the kill she pulls back but then when I'm out with friends as normal people do she flips out and ignores me.

In these situations what does one do?

Thanks

[jeffrey12]

Hey guys,

Been in contact with the ex after 2 years break up. She contacted me after she found out I went on a date and then initiate a meet up by asking for some antibiotics I could get for her tooth infection (even though she could get them herself from the GP)

Anyway,  we've been speaking and meeting up semi regularly and she's had the odd moment of jealousy and argued.

The latest scenario was after spending the Friday with her going out having a good time then going back to hers having a takeaway etc lying down on the sofa messaging each other watching a film and the usual pull.

Anyway Saturday comes and I've arranged to go out with a few friends and we're exchanging txts and I mention that I'm out with friends having drinks on the night. She turns on me and says we shouldn't speak and then gets semi critical towards me and says pick up your glasses (that I left round hers) from her mum tomorrow because she's not going to go in. I ask what I've done wrong and she says you can do what you want.

I really don't understand this behaviour. We aren't together but she's flirty flirty with me but whenever I go for the kill she pulls back but then when I'm out with friends as normal people do she flips out and ignores me.

In these situations what does one do?

Thanks

[KE151]

Jeff,

What are you trying to understand in her behavior? Reasons for her sickness, her abusiveness, her drama?

Don't.

Apparently you were successful in breaking up and staying away for a long time. Do your best to do it again.

Instead, try to understand what makes you feel you need to get back to her.

Good luck.

[oletimefeelin]

Jeff,

It's all a test, all of it.  She needs to know she has you wrapped around her finger, so what does she do?  She threatens to disappear again.  I mean she saw how you took it the last time, right?  So that's the hook.  The way to pass is to be unphased by all of this.  You know the motive here.  It's the same every friggin time.  So don't go asking her "what did I do wrong?" like some powerless puppy dog beholden to its master.  You are on a merry go round at this point.  You can set your watch to this stuff and as such you should not be reacting how you used to if you desire a different result.  Is it really that big a threat for her to leave?  She's likely causing you more harm than good, so who cares if she removes herself from the situation?  And you know what else you can set your watch to?  That she'll be back around eventually. 

I can think back to when my ex pulled stunts like these.  I can honestly say yours seems worse, so I feel for you because mine drove me batty.  She'd say over the top things to get me display my dedication to her and the relationship.  After a few of these I realized what she was up to.  Throw down the trump card and regain control.  Well you know what?  The way I got her back was to stop give a hit.  And you know what else?  Once I finally had her back I had lost a lot of respect for her.  And well we know how that all ends.

     

[jeffrey12]

Thanks guy's for the advice,

I know I'm half the reason this is going on because I allow it to. I could simply just ignore the situation and poof I'd be fine BUT the major issue with that is that I do have feelings for this person so it's easier said then done. I reality I'm actually ashamed to give this person the time of day I should have just told her to ___ off ages ago! But I'm in this situation so... .  

The threat isn't for her to leave because I'll deal with it like I done last time however hard it is. It will make me feel mugged off for a second time though.

I just really don't get this BPD thing. Educating myself in it just doesn't work. There's always a contradiction in what they do. You act one way the go the other way. You change your approach and it'd just the same thing.

She would lately say I find you attractive, care for you,enjoy your company, that she hates other guys etc and then I go out for a drink with  few friends there next day and  all of some sudden she turns and says we can't speak,I'm better without you,I shouldn't have got in contact with you,she hates me and my friends,family, culture and then I get totally ignored. I think anyone in this world however mentally and emotionally strong they are would be more confused than scooby doo about this.

I'd say I am codependant slightly but I think we all are to ensure extent. My two pence on the situation

[Applehead]

Jeffery, I remember you being on here January of 2012 and being a mess.  I don't say that belittling you bc we've all be devastated by BPD!  I could tell you that if you have contact with an ex, for me it was in 09 after being a year apart I met her for drinks and then engaged in some kissing and petting and I was sucked right back into OZ.  It's not hard to do!  I got sucked back into OZ again with current BPD last year after being away from her for 3 months.  They're addictive like drugs, cigarettes or alcohol.

[Clearmind]

In these situations what does one do?

See the reality of the disorder and don't engage.

You been there done all this before J12. Were you hoping to get back together or was this a moment in time?