Hopefully my final NC question

[mommies dearest]

For those who are NC-- how do you explain going NC to acquaintances, friends, inlaws, other family members etc about your decision to break ties with your family member with BPD?  I know I shouldn't worry about judgements of other people but unfortunately I do.  I was wondering if any of you have a standard response for others when they ask about your pwBPD?  Don't get me wrong-- I am not planning on offering this information to ANYONE.  It's just that I know a month from now, 6 months from now, maybe not even until a year from now, questions are bound to arise.

[mindfulness]

Unfortunately it is not easy. For the most part, when people ask questions I just try to give them vague answers and change the subject. "How's your mom doing?" "She's okay, how have you been?" etc. Sunday we spoke with my husband's grandmother and she asked were we planning on seeing my mother on mother's day. I said, no, we're going out Saturday night and it will be a long night so we're just going to lay low Sunday.

That's the approach I take most often. A select few close friends I have told more, some have been very supportive and others have said the typical annoying things like, "Maybe you should just call her." When they say things like that I just say, "I know, but it's more complicated than that" and again try to change the subject.

My coworker also had a good suggestion for this which is, if anyone says anything, the approach can be to describe "my mother isn't talking to me" rather than "I'm not talking to my mother." It still assumes you feel comfortable disclosing that, which you may not, but it at least changes the way it is perceived, for better or worse (I think when you say "I'm not talking to her" the implication is that you are somehow the angry/difficult one -- even though we all know that is not true -- whereas if you say "she's not talking to me" it really makes it clear that they are the one with the problem).

In general I find it better not to disclose too much unless I know I can trust someone, because I don't want to risk getting the responses like,  "But your mom has always seemed so nice!" or "Why don't you just call her, she's going through a tough time right now" or "Maybe you just need to tell her how you feel" etc. etc. I've learned to tune those responses out for the most part, but they're still mildly unnerving to hear so it's just easier if I find ways to avoid the conversation rather than have to respond to them.

[FilmFemme]

I don't really think it's anyone's business.  Don't feel that you need to explain yourself!

If someone is becoming a friend and it comes up, I might mention that I am NC and just leave it at that.  If I don't know them all that well, I don't feel that  I need to justify anything.

If they are really a friend then it's bound to come up in a real conversation and then I'll be honest with them - and I've found people to be very accepting when that's the case. 

[babyducks]

If some one truly has a need to know, and isn't asking for casual or conversational reasons I normally just say we are estranged just now. Normally that stops them cold.   Rarely if they pursue it I will say, I can't really talk about it.   And then I stop talking about it and talk about something else.

I could people who truly need to know as doctors, lawyers, business partners.   It's really not worth it for me to try to explain details.

[Up In the Air]

We (my hubby and I) don't solicit the conversations, though they inevitably rise up. Generally, just saying that we are 'estranged' from my in-laws does the trick. I think people hear the word and realize that it's a sticky situation and they may want to know why, but they leave it alone. Many people are just curious and well-meaning and to them I make light of it and say, "Oh, I don't want to bore you with the long story." That sends the message that there's a past there, while placing blame on no one.

My husband has answered his sister by saying "It's none of your business. You don't need to concern yourself with it, it's between me and mom and dad.' She was really pushing for answers and backed off after that.

Other family members and friends who know about the issues we've had with my in-laws will ask from time to time how everything is going. Our response is "Fine" and we change the subject or "Ball is in their court," which implies that we've done as much as we can and the rest is up to them.

For the family members that just don't get it, my personal response to their questions like ":)oesn't he miss his parents?" or "Have you guys contacted them yet? I think it's been long enough" has been to shrug my shoulders. The kind of people that bring it up and then behave as though we're being irrational or hardhearted just don't have any clue as to how to handle it and aren't dealing with a situation like ours. Generally, I've found they'll argue with me to make a point, as if they need to convince me. Shrugging my shoulders and changing the subject does the job. If they persist, I blatantly reply, "I don't think this is appropriate for us to be discussing. I don't want to talk about it." That ends any obnoxious inquiries right there.

[Katy-Did]

Yes, it's particularly awkward when other family members are involved.  When invited, I do attend gatherings (my BPDh does not) but I keep conversations light and pleasant.  One technique my family uses to check the NC barometer, is to inquire if I've heard about so-n-so's health issue... .  or the latest such-n-such.  I answer honestly but w/o elaboration, "No, I haven't... .  " Sometimes they choose to inform... .  sometimes not.  I listen but refrain from asking too many questions.  

Once, a cousin pushed pretty hard for details as to why we were "on the outs"  stating he "understood" there were problems.  I told him I appreciated his concern but I didn't feel comfortable discussing the situation.  Less is best, IMO. 

[BlueCat]

I don't have a standard response, it depends on the person and how well I know them, how much I want to talk about I guess. If someone is truly curious and well meaning (not being a jerk) and if I feel like talking (and my kids aren't around) then I have no problem talking in detail about my family.

But my shortest answer is to say I'm happier and a better mother to my children without her in my life. If I don't want to talk I just end the conversation there.