What should I ask my counselor?

[atcrossroads]

Hi all,

My counselor helped me to see clearly that I was in a toxic marriage, and I would credit him with helping give me the strength to leave; however, since I've left, I don't feel that we are doing any deeper work on me.

What can I ask him to help me grow and learn from my 10+ year marriage -- a marriage that was mostly wonderful but when bad HELLISH. 

I am so busy with work and dealing with divorce issues that I haven't been focused much on me (reading, reflecting, etc.).

I'm wondering if I may also need a different counselor now... .  ?

Any thoughts or insights - what helped you go deeper in counseling?

Thanks,

ACR

[P.F.Change]

Was this a marriage counselor that you saw together with your ex, or someone that has always been your individual T?

Have you considered just sharing that you would like to do more work on your own issues? You are the client; a T is there to help you meet your goals. They can't help us effectively if we don't communicate what those goals are, because even Ts aren't mind-readers. What kinds of things have you been thinking you would like to work on?

I think since you have an established relationship, and if you are comfortable with this T, being direct about what you want would be the thing to try first. If you still feel after a while that you aren't getting the support you need, then it might be helpful to try another T.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Surnia]

Your situation is quite different now. So it would be really helpful to rethink with your T the T settings.

What are the goals you have? Which topics would you like to work on. What is your Ts opinion on this? Sometimes we want to dig deeper and T is more about "Live your days as they are".

What about schedule, how often?

As an exemple: On of my goals with my T after divorce was to be more outgoing and start new projects. This goes very easily. After that my T started a talk about future T or not. We agreed that I will call her when I start dating again. We both know that this is a weak point for me, so some sort of reflection would be really good. But this is nothing to do in advance. So right now I am not in T but I have this arrangement in mind.

[Blazing Star]

I think it is fine to search for a new counsellor if you feel you and this one have done your dash. You could say "I really want to do some deeper work on the Whys of being in that relationship, Why was I attracted to that dysfunction?"... .  and see what happens, if you feel he isn't the one to take you deeper then go ahead and find someone else.

It also may depend on what type of therapy he practices. I stopped seeing one T bc it felt very surface, which was great in dealing with the day to day stuff, but not so good at getting to what is underneath.

Let us know how you go.

Love Blazing Star

[atcrossroads]

Thank you, everyone.  Good advice from all!  So, I saw him yesterday and after updating on the latest with my husband/divorce, I told him I was ready and felt a need to start working on myself.  I explained that I want to grow from this experience and obviously be able to have a healthy relationship someday and not wash, rinse, and REPEAT.  I know I need to do some work.

His response was what he has told me before -- he thinks that my husband changed a lot - we had a lot in common initially and were very compatible, but that I ignored red flags (drug use for one).  He said he has changed and is no longer the same person -- he attributes this mainly to him being an addict.  He can't seem to get the PD component. 

I do think I may need to move on to someone else - I want to both better understand the PD, my attraction to it (and I stayed!), and focus on what I need to do to get myself together.

It seems hard to find someone with much knowledge about BPD/NPD -- true knowledge.  My T mainly writes it off as no one wants to treat one - they are untreatable, etc.

I may be back to drawing board.

[Blazing Star]

It's great you are asking these questions about yourself and your attraction to the relationship! And it sounds like your current T isn't the one who is going to help you explore the answers.

For me, if I haven't found a T by recommendation I have done mini interviews over the phone, explained what I am looking for and asking how they work, then gone for an initial consultation to see how we click. Also in the past I have found Ts through training schools in the kind of therapy I like, so for example a Psychotherapy/Psychodynamic School, and asked for a list of their recent graduates (who are often cheaper, and also are closely supervised).

Good luck!

Love Blazing Star

[atcrossroads]

That's really good advice, Blazing Star.  Thank you!  I'm not sure if the new graduate idea would work as I'm not in a university town or metropolitan area, but mini-interviews are certainly a way to find out about approach and also experience working with BPD/NPD and their "nons."  I actually want a T who will give me homework, etc. and help me learn, reflect, grow.  Push me.

I feel like there is something I need to discover about myself - like I need a key to unlock something that I cannot see.  I had a fairly normal and happy childhood, no abuse or substance abuse in immediate family (had grandfathers who were alcoholics), was a middle child with typical people pleaser qualities - I'm upbeat, optimistic, non-confrontational (Yeah, boundaries, I know), and feel pretty secure in who I am (now).  As a teen and young adult I suffered from low self-esteem, but I don't think it was significantly different than what most teen girls go through.  So, what is it? Why was I attracted to my husband, why did I ignore red flags, why did I try so hard and stay so long?  I'm proud of myself for getting the strength to go, but still... .  I need to dig.

Anyway, in a couple weeks, I'll have more time to explore.  I really want someone who can help me grapple with the intense hatred coming my way right now (how is that much hate/anger even possible?) and discover some new things about myself and my patterns.