Refuses to have anything to do with our grown kids ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This remains one of the saddest, and hardest things for me/my kids to deal with.

My uxpwbd seems to want (or be emotionally incapable) of having anything whatsoever to do with any of the five children he helped raise for over twelve years - the youngest of whom was only five when he came into, and became such a big part of our lives.

He's made no effort of any kind to see, call, text, or email any of them since the day he announced his decision almost three years ago without any warning to me/my kids at all to move out of the house, end our relationship, and dump all of our bills/debts/obligations in my lap so he could develop/build a new life for himself with a woman he'd met/been having an affair with for a month while I was in California working to pay our bills.

He's made no effort to even acknowledge, let alone reply to any of the many attempts all of them have made to maintain some kind of relationship with him during that time.

I mean no effort of any kind. Not a word. Nothing. Not at holidays. Not at birthdays. Not at graduations. Nothing.

My oldest considered this man to be one of his best/closest of friends, and has been struggling to understand how someone he loved, cared about, spent so much time with, trusted, and shared so many of his deepest thoughts/feelings/fears with could suddenly just disappear from his life altogether without any explanation at all and seem to care so little about him anymore.

My youngest feels completely rejected/abandoned by the only man who'd been there, very actively loving, caring about, being interested in, and supportive of him for most of his life. He's deeply hurt, and angry as hell. He's spent the last two and half years holding me responsible for every discomfort, dissatisfaction, disappointment, unhappiness, and failure he's experienced as a depressed, unmotivated, lost, live-at-home college student who doesn't go to class, doesn't do his homework, and doesn't have any real interest in anything except playing computer/video games. I've tried and cannot get him to even consider seeing a therapist to help him work through some of the identity/self-worth issues his abandonment by my ex has so clearly raised. He says he's fine, and doesn't need anyone's help - especially mine.

In addition to the rejection/abandonment issue, there's also a number of highly-conflicted issues that have been raised for all of us by the continuing harassment to which both I and my second youngest son have been actively/repeatedly subjected over the course of the last two and a half years by my ex and the woman he replaced me with. Nasty/threatening phone calls, voice mail messages, texts, emails, fake FB friend requests, messages on my door/car, drive-bys, anonymous address changes filed with the post office, false reports of my bank card being stolen, visits from the police investigating her claims of being stalked/accosted/physically assaulted by me, and her once borrowing a cellphone to call/tell me "as a courtesy" that her father was a judge, had bypassed the system to file felony harassment charges against my son, a bench warrant had been issued for his immediate arrest, and that bail would definitely be denied.

It's been very hard for all of us to understand why this kind of stuff has been happening. Why someone we don't even know would go so far out of their way to hurt, humiliate, and frighten us like this. Why someone we do know and once loved/trusted so much would allow it to happen, would stay with someone who did stuff like that, would enable/encourage/help them to do it, would ignore/deny/dismiss/excuse/defend/justify/validate them doing it, and/or would participate in/do it himself.

Two and a half years out - with lots of support, these boards, and a massive amount of time spent in therapy - I'm doing really well. I got my youngest son into his own apartment with a roommate, and have gained the confidence (in both of us!) to slowly start introducing some boundaries about how much responsibility I'm required/willing to take for his health, security, and happiness at this point. I moved to another state, got a new job, joined a volunteer organization, am settling in, and even making some new friends. My self-esteem is starting to rebuild itself. And I no longer find myself feeling like I have this gigantic empty hole in my head/heart/life where my ex used to be.

But this thing with my kids still bothers me. Bothers a lot of people who knew us as a couple - knew him as the father to those kids.

I wish I could somehow fix this for them - make it better - less painful - less fundamentally questioning of their own value/worth as people.

But I can't.

Just another thing we all have to learn to accept, and try to find a way to come to terms with.

Don't know what I'm looking for here today. Some support maybe. Most of the posts on this board seem to have to do with how to deal with the craziness of interacting with a BPD parent after the split. Just wondering if that kind of interaction for anyone else out there consists of no interaction at all - and how other moms/dads in my situation have dealt or are dealing with it.

I dunno. Just on my mind today, I guess.

[talithacumi]

This remains one of the saddest, and hardest things for me/my kids to deal with.

My uxpwbd seems to want (or be emotionally incapable) of having anything whatsoever to do with any of the five children he helped raise for over twelve years - the youngest of whom was only five when he came into, and became such a big part of our lives.

He's made no effort of any kind to see, call, text, or email any of them since the day he announced his decision almost three years ago without any warning to me/my kids at all to move out of the house, end our relationship, and dump all of our bills/debts/obligations in my lap so he could develop/build a new life for himself with a woman he'd met/been having an affair with for a month while I was in California working to pay our bills.

He's made no effort to even acknowledge, let alone reply to any of the many attempts all of them have made to maintain some kind of relationship with him during that time.

I mean no effort of any kind. Not a word. Nothing. Not at holidays. Not at birthdays. Not at graduations. Nothing.

My oldest considered this man to be one of his best/closest of friends, and has been struggling to understand how someone he loved, cared about, spent so much time with, trusted, and shared so many of his deepest thoughts/feelings/fears with could suddenly just disappear from his life altogether without any explanation at all and seem to care so little about him anymore.

My youngest feels completely rejected/abandoned by the only man who'd been there, very actively loving, caring about, being interested in, and supportive of him for most of his life. He's deeply hurt, and angry as hell. He's spent the last two and half years holding me responsible for every discomfort, dissatisfaction, disappointment, unhappiness, and failure he's experienced as a depressed, unmotivated, lost, live-at-home college student who doesn't go to class, doesn't do his homework, and doesn't have any real interest in anything except playing computer/video games. I've tried and cannot get him to even consider seeing a therapist to help him work through some of the identity/self-worth issues his abandonment by my ex has so clearly raised. He says he's fine, and doesn't need anyone's help - especially mine.

In addition to the rejection/abandonment issue, there's also a number of highly-conflicted issues that have been raised for all of us by the continuing harassment to which both I and my second youngest son have been actively/repeatedly subjected over the course of the last two and a half years by my ex and the woman he replaced me with. Nasty/threatening phone calls, voice mail messages, texts, emails, fake FB friend requests, messages on my door/car, drive-bys, anonymous address changes filed with the post office, false reports of my bank card being stolen, visits from the police investigating her claims of being stalked/accosted/physically assaulted by me, and her once borrowing a cellphone to call/tell me "as a courtesy" that her father was a judge, had bypassed the system to file felony harassment charges against my son, a bench warrant had been issued for his immediate arrest, and that bail would definitely be denied.

It's been very hard for all of us to understand why this kind of stuff has been happening. Why someone we don't even know would go so far out of their way to hurt, humiliate, and frighten us like this. Why someone we do know and once loved/trusted so much would allow it to happen, would stay with someone who did stuff like that, would enable/encourage/help them to do it, would ignore/deny/dismiss/excuse/defend/justify/validate them doing it, and/or would participate in/do it himself.

Two and a half years out - with lots of support, these boards, and a massive amount of time spent in therapy - I'm doing really well. I got my youngest son into his own apartment with a roommate, and have gained the confidence (in both of us!) to slowly start introducing some boundaries about how much responsibility I'm required/willing to take for his health, security, and happiness at this point. I moved to another state, got a new job, joined a volunteer organization, am settling in, and even making some new friends. My self-esteem is starting to rebuild itself. And I no longer find myself feeling like I have this gigantic empty hole in my head/heart/life where my ex used to be.

But this thing with my kids still bothers me. Bothers a lot of people who knew us as a couple - knew him as the father to those kids.

I wish I could somehow fix this for them - make it better - less painful - less fundamentally questioning of their own value/worth as people.

But I can't.

Just another thing we all have to learn to accept, and try to find a way to come to terms with.

Don't know what I'm looking for here today. Some support maybe. Most of the posts on this board seem to have to do with how to deal with the craziness of interacting with a BPD parent after the split. Just wondering if that kind of interaction for anyone else out there consists of no interaction at all - and how other moms/dads in my situation have dealt or are dealing with it.

I dunno. Just on my mind today, I guess.

[mamachelle]

hi talithacumi,

It's hard to deal with this I'm sure. I would guess though, that him having contact with the kids might not be such a good thing while he has this GF around. I think it's best to let 'sleeping dogs lie' and hope that maybe if this r/s disintegrates that he may wake up. It sounds like a very scary situation and to be honest... .  if she is as dangerous as she sounds... .  I would think your ex is actually protecting your kids by not being involved with them.

mamachelle

[talithacumi]

Man, mamachelle, unbelievable sometimes how narrow my focus/concerns can be in the wake of everything that's happened!

Can't imagine he's actually/consciously/intentionally trying to protect them (since, of course, his actions tend to be mostly all about him), but I really hadn't thought about what his current GF might do to my kids if he did have any kind of contact with them.

The harassment, stalking, and threats were all primarily directed at me, and always occurred right after either some real or simply imagined contact/interaction I'd had with him. My second youngest also just happens to the one child he has always liked, missed, and talked about wanting to spend time with the most - which is probably why she singled him out for her psychological bullying/abuse as well.

Helps a lot to think about it this way, actually. Thanks so much!

Give yourself an extra big hug for me today. You rock!

[mamachelle]

aww thanks for that extra hug 

You have a great day too!

 

mamachelle