Struggling With Anger and Hurt (Two Steps Back?)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Maybe it's the post-Mother's Day blues, but I am feeling very down this weekend.  I'm currently in contact with my BPDMom.  Things are "good" because I have now had so much therapy and success that I know how to manage her.  All of the work is done by me.  All of the effort that goes in to making it OK comes from me. 

I have come so far, and all of a sudden I feel stricken with anger and sadness.  I sort of feel like I hate her, but that freaks me out (what if I have BPD- worst nightmare!)  I'm so angry that I will never get a meaningful apology.  I'm mad that I have to do all of the work just so that I can still say I have a mom.  I'm angry that I'm trying to get pregnant with my amazing husband, and I have NOBODY to talk to about it!  I'm just so darn angry!  I'm angry that I can't even tell the difference between a friend and someone who isn't a friend because she treated me so badly. 

Maybe I need a break for a bit.   

Has anyone made progress and then fallen off of the wagon?  I don't know what to do.   :'(

[CinnamonRadio]

Maybe it's the post-Mother's Day blues, but I am feeling very down this weekend.  I'm currently in contact with my BPDMom.  Things are "good" because I have now had so much therapy and success that I know how to manage her.  All of the work is done by me.  All of the effort that goes in to making it OK comes from me. 

I have come so far, and all of a sudden I feel stricken with anger and sadness.  I sort of feel like I hate her, but that freaks me out (what if I have BPD- worst nightmare!)  I'm so angry that I will never get a meaningful apology.  I'm mad that I have to do all of the work just so that I can still say I have a mom.  I'm angry that I'm trying to get pregnant with my amazing husband, and I have NOBODY to talk to about it!  I'm just so darn angry!  I'm angry that I can't even tell the difference between a friend and someone who isn't a friend because she treated me so badly. 

Maybe I need a break for a bit.   

Has anyone made progress and then fallen off of the wagon?  I don't know what to do.   :'(

[GeekyGirl]

As you go through the healing process, it's completely normal to have good times and hard times, so don't beat yourself up if you feel like you go back and forth between ok and angry. You may find that certain things (like holidays) are triggering. You may find that some days you feel great and some days you just feel sad or overwhelmed. You've learned a lot, and it takes a lot of work sometimes to manage a relationship with someone with BPD. 

From your post, it sounds like you're under a lot of stress (I remember what trying to conceive was like while trying to balance and soothe an emotionally unstable mother) and sometimes taking a break or doing something solely for yourself can really help. Is there something you can do to take a break and unplug for an hour or even a few days?

[Cordelia]

I have come so far, and all of a sudden I feel stricken with anger and sadness.  I sort of feel like I hate her, but that freaks me out (what if I have BPD- worst nightmare!)  I'm so angry that I will never get a meaningful apology.  I'm mad that I have to do all of the work just so that I can still say I have a mom. 

Having anger and sadness is not a setback!  It's just part of being human.  And feeling like you hate someone who hurts you and frustrates you is normal.  I also still struggle with identifying having emotions with being BPD.  But nothing could be further from the truth.  We were trained to suppress our own emotions so that the emotions of the BPD could take up all the space and be the only thing that mattered.  Learning that our own emotions matter - if not to the BPD, at least to us! - is a huge sign of progress I think.  The fact that these emotions are coming up while you're in contact with her - that you're not suppressing them for the sake of peace - is an important step forward IMHO.  What's key is how you react to the emotions - stifle them like the oppressed child you were, let them run wild and guide you to impulsive illogical behavior like the BPD, or acknowledge them as an important part (but only PART!) of your decision making process and making compassionate decisions that take your own feelings as well as those of others into consideration - that shows you where you are right now.  You've made an important insight - that your motivation for keeping the peace and working on the relationship with your mom is to feel like you have a mom, the kind of mom you wanted perhaps.  But you're frustrated with how that decision is making you feel.  It's not leading to a feeling of safety and security, but of resentment that you have to take on the full responsibility for making the relationship work.  This is a really important insight into your decision making process.  With that information, perhaps you can rethink whether it's worth it to put so much effort in.  Maybe it would be easier on YOU to just let that dream of having a mom go, and let your mom be who she is without straining to make her into someone she is not. 

I'm angry that I'm trying to get pregnant with my amazing husband, and I have NOBODY to talk to about it! 

Is there anyone besides your mom you feel close enough to to share this journey with?  I had a difficult time conceiving, and suffered in isolation for a long time because I didn't feel comfortable discussing it with anyone.  In retrospect I wish I had opened up earlier.  Once I did start discussing it with trusted friends the disappointments were a lot easier to bear, and eventual success was sweeter, because I had people in my life who knew how hard it had been for me. 

Mothers are important, but they're not the only people in the world.  You can find others who will be there for you, understand you, and love you just the way you are.  I found in my case that obsessing over trying to get these things from my mom - trying to squeeze blood from a stone - was blinding me to the actual opportunities I had in my life to bond with people who were there and who were emotionally available.  In a way it's comforting to keep fighting the same battle we had to as kids, when there really WASN'T anyone else who could take the place of a mother. 

The advice I would give you is to redefine progress for yourself.  If progress is successfully suppressing your own emotions and connection with reality to the point where you are "happy" with the kind of love and emotional support that your mother can offer (ie, none), where you transform yourself into a creature with no emotional needs, I think it's very healthy that you're not making more of it!  If progress is reconnecting with who you genuinely are and gradually reshaping your life so that it reflects YOUR values and priorities, not your BPD mother's, I think feeling this anger and sadness when you are in touch with her is actually a sign of progress.  Now that you're familiar with something in your life that makes you miserable (turning yourself inside out to force some sort of peaceful relationship with your mom so that you can tell yourself you have the mother in your life that you want) what are you going to about it? 

[Claire]

Oh JetsFan! It sounds like you have done a lot of work and you're exhausted. It is not easy to be the only one in the relationship who is acting in a healthy way. It's commendable that you are working so hard when as you say, "All of the work is done by me.  All of the effort that goes in to making it OK comes from me."  It's much easier sometimes to go back to the default old codependent patterns of relating, so please don't forget how much of a heroic effort you're putting in just to maintain the relationship!

One thing that really helps me with hurt and anger is to look at them objectively. Rather than condemning yourself for feeling negative emotions even "after all of this work", look at these areas as places you may be needing to grow next. For example, as others have said. Trying to conceive is a difficult, touchy subject, but instead of feeling isolated, might you take this as a challenge to grow in trust/vulnerability in a healthy relationship you already have? I often find that my anger towards my mom is related to a deeper fear of not having my needs met. I need her apology or her relationship in my life because without it, "fill in the blank". Realizing what's behind the emotion can propel me to learn and explore how to have my needs met in healthy ways... .  

You also said maybe you need a break. Maybe you do. I first heard of BPD just about 4 years ago. The first few months were intense growth/understanding/healing, then came a lull, followed by another intense period. There have been times I have checked these boards every day, and other times I have been too overwhelmed or too busy with other areas of life, and I've gone months without. I think it can be just fine to take a break from your personal inward journey (though unfortunately we can't get away from the pwBPD in our lives.)

Anyway, all that to say, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I do think it's perfectly fine and normal. Take care of yourself! 

[January86]

Hi!

I am not an expert, just in the middle of a breakdown too and wanted to

send you all my wishes for you to feel ok very soon

I found out about BPD some moths ago and I spent the first couple of months reading things, thinking about my past... .  then I calm down and I felt ok, like if I had recovered, but now I am again with my head collapsing in the worst moment professionally. I guess that in important times, when we have some kind of pressure, it is easier to breakdown. Maybe our subconscious remembers times when we had pressure in our childhood and we weren't helped and know we are aware of it and we feel bad for all the times it happened in the past. I just wish we could choose when to breakdown! heh

I also feel identified with you doubting about having BPD it happens to me all the time.

Hugs

[CinnamonRadio]

Thank you all for your kind words.  It was really reassuring to read that you have all been through similar experiences.  You've given me some very helpful perspective on my healing journey. 

@GeekyGirl: I have some vacation time coming up in about a month, so I'm going to make the absolute most of it!

@Cordelia: What you said about struggling to keep the peace with my BPDMother (and being frustrated by it) really resonated with me.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about it.  But you've given me a big new piece of information to contemplate.  Thanks very much for articulating that for me!

@Claire & January86:  I am on the same journey as you right now, I think.  Mother was actually given the Dx about 10 years ago, but at the time, I didn't believe her when she told me.  She had made up so many illnesses, and gotten a variety of other Dx's by doctor-shopping, that it fell completely on deaf ears.  It was only when I began therapy with my current T about 2 years ago that I began to take the Dx seriously, and do some reading.  Since then, I have a) become totally convinced that she does indeed have it, and will always have it and b) have done some personal work in terms of healing myself and keeping myself safe from her.  I seem to have hit a wall with this right now, but maybe this too shall pass. 

Thanks so much to everyone, again.   

[GeekyGirl]

@GeekyGirl: I have some vacation time coming up in about a month, so I'm going to make the absolute most of it!

I'm glad to hear that! Just got back from vacation myself and I feel like a new person. It's amazing what a little downtime and four different walls can do to help improve your mood. Enjoy every minute and let yourself go.

@Cordelia: What you said about struggling to keep the peace with my BPDMother (and being frustrated by it) really resonated with me.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about it. 

Cordelia had another good point: moms are important, but they're not the only source of love and affection in the world. It's important to work on yourself, rather than expend your energy by trying to appease your mother, but it's also healthy to find and nurture other relationships, which can help in countless ways.

Since then, I have a) become totally convinced that she does indeed have it, and will always have it and b) have done some personal work in terms of healing myself and keeping myself safe from her.  I seem to have hit a wall with this right now, but maybe this too shall pass. 

It sounds like you're on a good path.  Healing takes a lot of work.