Reach out, break silence and suggest a break?

[clairejen]

Hi

I posted earlier about texting my bf and telling him I think his limited availability is due to fear of intimacy, not just his family and loaded schedule. He knew I am angry, yet he has not responded yet.

   I am feeling anxious over the conflict, and anxious over my fear that his silence = the end of our 3 year relationship. I fear he 'll think "claire is right, I fear committment, so I'll agree with her, and break up with her".  Or "I am struggling with family, work, volunteering, and she is complaining that I have no time to see her? I'm mad at her for criticizing me, and i'll break up with her)"    Those are my fears.

   I am thinking of the idea of calling him and (calmly, as opposed to my angry text) suggest that since he insists that he will want a closer relationship with me in a couple of months (when a major work project is over), we can take a break until then. I would suggest a break, not see each other until then, and then get together. I'm not sure about this though?

Claire

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wdone]

sorry you're struggling with this. i understand what you're going through.

what are your motives? what do you hope to gain from suggesting a break? do you want one?

[clairejen]

Hi

  Yes, I am hearing that many people here have gone through the "silent treatment".

My motives are to stay with him, accept the BP traits, and my hope is that he will self-search, find his fear of intimacy and work on it... .  

What do I hope to gain from suggesting a break?

It's better than breaking up altogether; it would test out his idea that he will be more available in the future. In other words, if that's true, then we can be together more often at that point.

Do I want one?

Well I am feeling so frustrated and angry about the minimal contact now, plus my angry text might have given him the idea I am abandoning him, so I thought that rather than stay in the minimal contact, or break up, a break might help.

  Also, I fear that he will say (as in the past) "Oh, if you are unhappy with my schedule and lack of time available, go find someone better!"  so rather than do that I'd rather take a break.

Claire

[wdone]

what i have learned, and am still trying to learn to do, is to focus on myself, and to make decisions that reflect taking care of me... . and what i really need, rather than trying to guess what he needs or how he might react, or what might help him to show up for me better... .  

i don't think it's ever a good idea to test things out on our BPD SO's.  from my personal experience, it doesn't fair well.

people with BPD fear abandonment and fear being smothered.  we don't know how he would react to "a break" suggested by you. 

if YOU need a break, it might be a good idea, but i would be careful not to have any expectations of what he may or may not learn/discover due to you suggesting a break or you two taking a break. 

if it's about you and meant for you to,for example, get clear, get grounded, then maybe it's a good idea. 

has he said he will work on his fear of intimacy issues?

i really get where you're coming from and how it can feel so delicate, deciding what to do and how to communicate with him.  i go through the same thing, a lot. 

what does your gut say?

[almost789]

All this sound so familiar. The silence, the negative reaction to criticism. BPD people don't react well to even constructive criticism, they don't try to do better as most normal people do, instead they take it as a slight on them. Mine would say things like if you don't like me than why are you with me? If I suggested he do something different. I also, asked for a "break" once because I could tell he was feeling smothered. I thought he would embrace it! Since he seemed he was feeling smothered. But instead it triggered his abandonment I think cause he kind of went crazy with texting and staying in contact with me after that. But this in turn I think was too much pressure for him. My better results have come from just being silent myself and sending messages to let him know I thinking of him, wait... .  then he come back and act like nothing ever happened. It sucks, cause thats not how normal relations work and it makes us NON's angry for never resolving any issues.

[bruceli]

BPDw is not the silent treatment type.  She is the one who brings up "taking a break".  Kind of the other side of the push/pull and also a way to avoid the issues of life and escape resposibility.  So, as to not foster the push/pull behavior, I have set up boundries of not going along with the idea.  Allows her to look for other ways to deal with those feelings and emotions in a more positive way instead of running away and solving them with alcohol.

[rosannadanna]

Hello clairejen,

I would vote no to telling him you think he has a fear of intimacy and therefore you think you all should take a break.  If he is like my SO, he will feel angry that I am telling what he is and that I am dictating what is going to happen in the relationship.

It sounds like you are feeling unhappy with the parameters of this relationhip, express to him your unhappiness, get no validation from him, and therefore feel anxious and powerless to change it.  A way to feel control and reduce anxiety is to analyze our partners (which is total conjecture, btw) and tell them what we think the problem is.  At least, this is what I used to do and still have to monitor myself.  Like I said before, when I did this, my partner would get angry that I was analyzing him (he is the problem) and what I thought the relationship needed.  I also think it was my codependent cop-out, so that I didn't have to state my truth (boundary) and hurt him, or make him angry, or him leave me.  But all this happened anyway and I couldn't control it!

Like I also said before, it sounds like he is happy with the relationship staying in a low-contact, low-priority status, but you are not.  It sounds like he gives lip-service to giving this relationship higher priority, but never does it.  He has figured out what to say to keep you around, because, even though you are unhappy, you have agreed to the terms of this relationship as it is right now.  I have been where you are with my current BPD partner and also nonBPD men.  They will do it because you allow it.

If you want a break, then tell him you want a break.  As soon as you withdraw, he will probably pursue b/c he doesn't want to lose you.  At that point you may be able to negotiate the possibility of moving into a higher priority status in his life.

Good luck and take care!