Splitting

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi guyz... .  just read in one of the posts that Borderlines are not bad people.  Its interesting because my exBPD/NPD/Histrionic would always say that she is a good person and there is redemption for everyone!  Here is what puts me in a quandry.  If Borderlines are not bad people, then we are attributing only the unconscionable, deceitful, manipulative behavior that hurts us to the disorder.  But how do we really know.  If this be the case then there really are not any bad people in this world because somewhere down the line we could find something in bad peoples past to attribute their behavior to some child/adolescent emotional trauma or their neighborhood, or chemical imbalance in the brain.  IMHO I believe somewhere along the line Borderlines are aware and make a choice.  They know right from wrong.  My exBPD/NPD fiance was an articulate smart woman.  I believe she is well aware of what she did... .  knew it was wrong... .  did it anyway... .  and in my book that's the definition of a BADd person.  She left me a message after i called off the wedding saying that she knows she is a f$%#@& b$%&$ and was sorry for hurting me. I believe that we all have a soul... .  its what separates us from every other living breathing creature on the planet.  This is the conscience center that tells us right from wrong.  OK... .  there really are some really are some very sick people who are so sick that they CAN'T get in touch with that part of our being... .  but by definition of Borderline... .  it means that they are in touch with right and wrong center.  So IMHO... .  they are bad people. 

Why did I not become this type of person... .  I am an adult child of an alcoholic... .  saw... .  been victim to... .  things a young child should not have to endure... .  yet I was in a loving caring beautiful marriage... . raised 4 great boys... .  and would not/could not ever hide my pain from this timeframe with this ugly behavior BPDs, NPDs and Histrionics inflict on unsuspecting people... .  OK... .  got that off my chest... .  again its just my opinion!  I'm not a doctor of psychology but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

[flynavy]

Hi guyz... .  just read in one of the posts that Borderlines are not bad people.  Its interesting because my exBPD/NPD/Histrionic would always say that she is a good person and there is redemption for everyone!  Here is what puts me in a quandry.  If Borderlines are not bad people, then we are attributing only the unconscionable, deceitful, manipulative behavior that hurts us to the disorder.  But how do we really know.  If this be the case then there really are not any bad people in this world because somewhere down the line we could find something in bad peoples past to attribute their behavior to some child/adolescent emotional trauma or their neighborhood, or chemical imbalance in the brain.  IMHO I believe somewhere along the line Borderlines are aware and make a choice.  They know right from wrong.  My exBPD/NPD fiance was an articulate smart woman.  I believe she is well aware of what she did... .  knew it was wrong... .  did it anyway... .  and in my book that's the definition of a BADd person.  She left me a message after i called off the wedding saying that she knows she is a f$%#@& b$%&$ and was sorry for hurting me. I believe that we all have a soul... .  its what separates us from every other living breathing creature on the planet.  This is the conscience center that tells us right from wrong.  OK... .  there really are some really are some very sick people who are so sick that they CAN'T get in touch with that part of our being... .  but by definition of Borderline... .  it means that they are in touch with right and wrong center.  So IMHO... .  they are bad people. 

Why did I not become this type of person... .  I am an adult child of an alcoholic... .  saw... .  been victim to... .  things a young child should not have to endure... .  yet I was in a loving caring beautiful marriage... . raised 4 great boys... .  and would not/could not ever hide my pain from this timeframe with this ugly behavior BPDs, NPDs and Histrionics inflict on unsuspecting people... .  OK... .  got that off my chest... .  again its just my opinion!  I'm not a doctor of psychology but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

[WalrusGumboot]

I really do not like to generalize the character of any group of people, those with BPD included, and I am certain doing so is against the rules of this forum anyway.

We all do "bad" things, some more than others. Yes, I believe there is evil in the world... .  a lot of it... .  and everybody on this planet has the capability of doing the worst of evil. A pwBPD does not have the emotional coping skills of the rest of the population, so their behavior probably seems more bad than many others. When the normal person considers the possible consequences of their bad behavior, should they be considering it, if the cost is too high, they don't do it. Those with BPD do not have this kind of thought process.

[mango_flower]

I struggle with this question so much.

My own conclusion is that if somebody WANTS to be a good person, and they WANT to be happy and want others to be happy, then they're not bad.

They may do cruel things, impulsively.  And their own cognitive distortions may make them lie, deceive etc.   But if they want to make people happy deep down, then they're not bad.

If somebody genuinely can sit there, after reflecting on the question, and say they genuinely enjoy hurting others and WANT to cause pain then they're bad in my eyes.

My ex hurt me a lot, did some horrible things. But none was done to deliberately make me suffer. It was done more as a survival mechanism for herself, to protect her own tiny amount of self esteem. x

[fromheeltoheal]

I say there are BPD's and there are bad people, and some people are both.  My understanding is the push/pull mental gymnastics, the abandonment trauma, the cognitive distortion and the rest are largely subconscious, and they know what they do, they just don't know why they do it.  You'd think that after someone created a bunch of wreckage in their lives they'd dig a bunch to find out why, and I'm sure they do, but the answers they come up with come from inside the disorder too.  And of course everything is always everyone else's fault, because facing that shame is just too terrifying, so they come off scot free in their own head.  This disorder is extreme, and they can't find their own way out, they need lots and lots of help, and most don't make it.

But yes, we are responsible for our actions, and holding a BPD accountable for theirs is our job.  Problem is the only folks close enough to see the disorder are also enmeshed in it, and therein lies the rub.

[leftbehind]

 You'd think that after someone created a bunch of wreckage in their lives they'd dig a bunch to find out why, and I'm sure they do, but the answers they come up with come from inside the disorder too.  And of course everything is always everyone else's fault, because facing that shame is just too terrifying, so they come off scot free in their own head.  

I agree with fromheeltoheal.  Even though they are ill, they leave a path of devastation. My ex left his exwife with two children under the age of two, didn't see them for two years, didn't speak to his mother and sister for two years, moved in with his mistress, proposed, got her pregnant, left her after she miscarried, then snaked her out of HER apartment so she had to sleep on the couches of various friends, and put her stuff in storage.  But somehow it was all everyone else's fault, and he was the victim. 

And his friends (me included) all bought it.  We didn't think he was a bad guy ever.  We thought he was with abusive, unstable women.  We all thought that explained it, because he was SO nice, SO spiritual, such a good guy.

Until our relationship moved from friendship to a romance several months after the last ex.  Then it was my turn.  Same pattern as the others, only a shorter cycle - he was madly in love with me for several months, then one day he has a "Spiritual Shift" and can no longer be with me, and treats me like the enemy. 

I was only left with a broken heart. I chose to walk out of a couple of work places (that I helped him get into), so there's that too.  So in retrospect, I should count my blessings.  Could have been a lot worse.

[flynavy]

My ex BPD?NPD fiance sent me a voice mail... .  this is the paraphrased version:

I am so sorry I hurt you... .  I know that i am a F$%&up bit%$, I don't understand why I do what I do... .  but I am sorry for hurting you.

So is this a true apology or just another manipulative strategy to reel me back in?

Its been 3 weeks of no contact digitally (phone... .  text... . email) and 8 weeks of no physical contact (last time we slept together)

[skelly_bean]

No one is inherently "good" or "bad" or "evil" in my opinion. We are all struggling to survive and we make choices that are better or worse for the people around us to do that. BPDs are in constant survival "i have to save myself first" mode. They aren't concerned with non's needs. Not because they don't *want* to be. But because they are too preoccupied.

We've all been in situations where we have felt desperate for something and put our own needs before someone else's.

A starving "good" person can become an unscrupulous survivor under the right circumstances.

BPDs are BPDs. Aristotle said "We are what we repeatedly do."

If BPDs are repeatedly hurting the people around them, and not taking preventative action - then they are people who hurt people. And people who hurt people are not good for the community.

That's as close to a judgement as I'm comfortable making about BPDs

[fromheeltoheal]

I am so sorry I hurt you... .  I know that i am a F$%&up bit%$, I don't understand why I do what I do... .  but I am sorry for hurting you.

Mine said something similar, and I believe her.  Think about that: a pwBPD makes decisions and does things that make sense to them from inside their disorder, which then hurt people and create wreckage, and they know on some level that what they're doing is dysfunctional since they get so much feedback from people, but they don't know why they do it.  The self awareness and introspection necessary to dig down and find out are just too scary, there's too much shame involved, and the more wreckage, the more shame.  

Mine told me once that she'd "hurt a lot of people" with a look of genuine shame and guilt, along with no clue why.  Think about living like that; it's an absolute hell, and disordered to the point it's hard to get your head around, but now that I have, I have deep compassion and sympathy for her, as I keep her completely out of my life.

[lhd981]

My ex told me about a 2+ year emotional affair she had with a married man 17 years her senior, who also had a child.  The whole thing made me feel uncomfortable, but I was so enamored with her - and saw her as a victim - that I was willing to overlook pretty much everything. I tried spinning the whole thing to make it sound like a man who was pushing 40 and in an unhappy marriage was taking advantage of a sweet young girl who was going on 23. She didn't go along with it and, to my surprise, basically took responsibility for what happened, albeit in a cold and detached way. Mind you, she was basically trying to get him to divorce his wife so they could be together and got very upset (and was still upset when she told me the story) when she found that, in an effort to save his marriage, he got his wife pregnant again. She admitted her nearly (or, maybe clearly) sociopathic behavior, even when I gave her many chances to deny it. Oddly, she didn't seem to show much remorse. I should mention that this man was technically her former step-uncle (not by blood, of course). I even remember asking her "You'd have been ok, at 23, with being with a 40 year old man who was your step uncle at one point and who left his wife and family for you?" - she didn't skip a beat in her affirmation and almost shrugged it off like "oh yeah, of course, that didn't bother me one bit." She was more concerned with the whole thing having been "in vain". In fact, she never seemed apologetic.

I try not to make value judgements against others, but she certainly seemed to recognize her "less than ideal" traits and had very few qualms about them.

[VeryFree]

Good or bad is al depending on culture.

I do not answer this question, but... .  

... .  it was bad for me to be in a r/s with my stbxBPDw because I've suffered enormous.

... .  it was good for me to be in a r/s with my stbxBPDw because I've learned a lot. Not in the least about myself.

[wanttoknowmore]

I can say with confidence that pwBPDs are NOT BAD people as such. They have a serious mental illness and they have not much control on their behavior when somebody gets too close and intimate with them. They have to act "evil" way as they get very fearful and very anxious and feel smothered. They do not intentionally want to hurt people but people who love them inevitably get badly hurt.

My definition of bad person is one who knowingly and intentionally want to hurt others. pwBPD donot fit this definition. PwBPD should be forgiven and forgotten after they reach their "hater phase" as they can not go back to honeymoon phase again. My ex said she cant help it once she gets "crazy" and she want to run away as she will hurt me badly if she stays.

[ScotisGone74]

They are capable of carrying out evil, yes, but so are alot of other disordered individuals,  are they inherently bad people, not really.  They can perform kind acts upon people they are not involved as close friends or in relationships with, or people they wish to impress.   The main thing to consider is that they do know right from wrong, they just don't care or even think about considering anyone else except themselves, exactly the kind of person I have No business being around. 

[tailspin]

 

Everyone has a tendency for black/white thinking on occasion not just those who are mentally ill.  Labeling someone as "bad" may be a partial truth... .  but for the most part people are a combination of many things and not just one way or another.

The choices we make define who we are; our thoughts about ourselves further define who we are.  If you look at the psychology behind BPD there may be a degree of empathy on your part concerning the intense emotional pain those suffering feel on a daily basis.

My ex had wonderful qualities which I will always treasure and the fallout from my relationship with him led me down a path of self discovery I would have otherwise never found.  While I will never forget the bad times I choose to also remember the good ones.

tailspin

[confetti]

i feel like this is a limb but my exBPD always stated that he knew what he was doing. perhaps that's backwards though... .  maybe ~ in reality ~ he didn't know he was doing it but just liked to come off as diabolical. which, after knowing him extremely well in a BPD aspect was that he didn't want me to figure out nice sides of him or "know him"

outwardly he was very religious

i am not stating that i think they are all bad or that mine is/was in ANY way bad.

i am saying that he very much did like to come off as if he was.

[MontyD]

I'm not going to buy into this too much, but I have been around the block a few times and enough times to know there is always at least two points of view.

There is plenty of "do gooders" out there who will excuse any bad doing, people who shoot up school kids etc, then tell us they had bad parents, bad up bringing, you know what I mean, we have all heard the excuses. The "do gooders" would let them off !

Then there are the realists, who say, do bad things and you are bad !  Smash up shopfront windows, you are bad and get locked up. Lie and steal, you are bad. Commit fraud, you are bad and get locked up.

Smash up peoples lives ... .  ?   Just fill in the blanks.

I don't have so much sympathy for pwBPD.  My ex knows she is sick, she has been diagnosed with BPD and was told, goes to therapy, and treats the therapist with contempt.  If you have cancer, you do whatever you can to get cured. PwBPD, in my view, just don't care. If, as they say, their  heads are full of turmoil and pain, then do something about it and get a life.  

My ex told me a couple of times, "I don't want to change, I'm happy the way I am".

Here is another article about people with BPD, from the other point of view, written by a person who deals with BPD, a realist, and calls it as he sees it, and makes some pretty good arguments why pwBPD should not be excused.


Monty

[LoveNotWar]

All I know for sure is my ex was bad for me... .  I'm lucky to have escaped that crazy life.

But he's still living it... .  which is bad for him.

[Clearmind]

Flynavy, splitting is something we all do. We see it on the board here. We split our partners some days all good – “I want to contact him/her so bad, I miss the good times” to all bad “I cannot stand my ex, he/she dumped me for the 10th time and I did nothing. I now have no home, my life is wrecked. I hate her/him”. I have seen it many times over my 2 years here.

We are conscious people – we know what we are doing, we know we are hurting others and its possible Borderlines also know they are hurting others however their coping skills don't provide any grounds for recourse - its too painful to admit. Its like reliving another trauma over and over - very hard way to live.

So to balance this out, and to see splitting not just as a BPD term – we need to be mindful that we are also capable of doing the same to our partners. I am not suggesting we are BPD! I am suggesting we all have some maladaptive coping skills and B&W thinking or splitting is something everyone is capable of. It helps us feel good - for a moment.

You maybe best placed to exercise some empathy for your ex, better understand BPD and find some ways to let go.

[Hurt llama]

I've been NC or Very LC for about a month or so after trying for a short time with my ex fiancee and then deciding I just can't take the chance again and told her directly it's over.

During this time my mind was at times compulsively obsessed with thoughts about her that might have occupied my mind well over 90% of the time, including in my sleep. Now it's less than 10%, maybe even 5% and with none of the feelings that I had of longing for her.

I believe i gained some insights into what it might be to feel like she does most of the time, the anxiety, the addiction and the inability or difficulty in managing her life and intimate connections.

She called me last night and I didn't answer. She then texted to call her... . I texted back... . "What's up?"... . She said she missed and needed her good friend (me)... . then went on to tell me one of her closest friends was just diagnosed with cancer and has less than 6 months to live. I expressed my sympathy and didn't get hooked into it.

The more I learn about BPD, the more I feel sorry for her. the anger I have had at times, I just can't hold onto. I never could.

In the aftermath now, I have a larger more important task... . Rebuilding my lost and damaged sense of self. That's harder than breaking the addiction. Much harder.

My connection to her was as strong and powerful as many of the stories I have read here. I had ended the engagement almost 4 years ago and maintained constant communication ever since and saw her a few times over the years. I never expected or had any idea how damaging this relationship was to me. The reasons I connected and needed her was the similar loss of self I was feeling BEFORE I met her.

Even the agony of withdrawal was still a connection. An attachment.

I even mourn that.

But I'm more important (to me) than she is. Maybe someday when I am stronger and love again, I will feel safe to connect superficially with her... . But knowing how this mental illness always seems to play out, I do know that while she feels exactly as I do, she can get into a relationship far easier than I can and I don't care to expose myself to knowing about it or caring.

Is she a bad or evil person? No. She's hurt herself worse than me, every single time.

[Hurt llama]

My ex BPD?NPD fiance sent me a voice mail... .  this is the paraphrased version:

I am so sorry I hurt you... .  I know that i am a F$%&up bit%$, I don't understand why I do what I do... .  but I am sorry for hurting you.

So is this a true apology or just another manipulative strategy to reel me back in?

Its been 3 weeks of no contact digitally (phone... .  text... . email) and 8 weeks of no physical contact (last time we slept together)

I think it's probably both. I'd be happy to get such a heartfelt apology and I would feel sad for her if I did but not get hooked back in.

If my ex said that... .  there would have to be a whole lot more she would have to say to get me back to trying... . and it's highly unlikely that it's happening... .  and I actually hope it doesn't.

[leftbehind]

thank you Hurt llama, your words gave me hope.  I've been consumed by my ex in the last two months since he broke it off, and I am looking forward to the day that less of my brain is preoccupied with him. 

I realize that holding on to the anger and grief is really holding on to him, because once those emotions are gone the experience with him is completely over. But I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to desire this to be over, even if I'm not fully there yet.

I'm starting to look forward to that day.  This over-attachment to the pain, betrayal and anger isn't healthy for me.  I need to pray for the willingness to let it all go... .  

[Hurt llama]

thank you Hurt llama, your words gave me hope.  I've been consumed by my ex in the last two months since he broke it off, and I am looking forward to the day that less of my brain is preoccupied with him. 

I realize that holding on to the anger and grief is really holding on to him, because once those emotions are gone the experience with him is completely over. But I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to desire this to be over, even if I'm not fully there yet.

I'm starting to look forward to that day.  This over-attachment to the pain, betrayal and anger isn't healthy for me.  I need to pray for the willingness to let it all go... .  

One thing that I did was each time I would think of calling or contacting her, I would play out where conversations would ultimately 'go' in the past whenever I would touch on things that were 'controversial' (in other words, 'real'.

Interestingly, last night I was reading some old posts and came across a post by Green Mango, who had called a similar discipline 'reverse brainwashing'.

Without thinking of it this way, is actually exactly what I have been doing.

The first thing I do each morning is to look at my cell phone to see if she texted or called. I'm still not 'there' but the improvement is profound and most importantly is the feeling that I am in control and when I play forward the 'imaginary' conversation that invariably would take place if I were in contact with her, is all that I need to keep me from doing it, other than in rare response and only very superficially.

Give yourself time, I have been detaching little by little for a very long time. It's an experience that if you haven't gone through it, it would be hard to believe or relate to.

[flynavy]

Saw my therapist yesterday... .  as an ACoA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) I became the Fixer... .  not an alcoholic.  I couldn't fix my stepsons heroin addiction... .  couldn't cure my wifes cancer and realize I cant fix my ex BPD/NPD because there is no cure.  Only thing I can fix is me... .  that is what I CHOOSE to focus on! 

OK... .  IMHO after doing boat loads of research and reading many different POV on whether or not BPDs/NPDs/Hsitrionics are aware of their behavior or not here's where I landed.  I believe they know exactly what they are doing when they hurt people in a relationship... .  didn't say intentionally... .  but they do know the behavior is bad... .  why do they spend so much time trying to hide what they are doing... .  because they know it is wrong.  Yes they can tell right from wrong.  Example - Can you tell me that the day my exBPD/NPD fiance asked me to go to her best friends wedding with her while she was engaged to her other boyfriend and spend the night with me... .  we took separate vehicles so on the way to my house (1/2 hour) who do you think was on the phone with... .  right... .  her fiance.  How do I know this.  I had access to her cell phone records(she actually gave it to me).  So... .  here is what I believe... .  They are in total control of what they are doing.  There is no organic factor or deficit in self control that causes what they do. Their acts are willful and premeditated. They comprehend the difference between right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, truth and lies, reality and fantasy.  Thats how they can hold down professional jobs, get involved in the community etc.  They know what they are doing and sometimes enjoy it... .  I saw it several times in her eyes when she was caught with her hand in the cookie jar.  My last confrontation/trying to be rational with her after i saw her with her old/new fiance while still seeing me for sex was amazing.  I asked her if he would like to know his fiance was having crazy sex behind his back for the last 6 months... . she had an evil grin on and said "He's a big boy".  I saw poor enjoyment in her face that she could play two guys for so long.

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree somewhat navy, my BPD ex was fully aware of what she was doing, but was pretty unclear on why she did what she did or understand her impulses, other than to label herself 'intense'.  Think about that: continuing to do things that hurt people, know that you hurt them, not really understand why you do it, feel the guilt and shame, but still be unable to stop.  That's a living hell.

Mine always had several guys around, in different levels of involvement, and I never trusted her.  She considered herself god's gift to women, which to me was the all-or-nothing thought pattern; she's either the most awesome woman in the world or she's completely worthless in her head, and I saw both sides.  But yes, she did get enjoyment out of stringing guys along.  I saw it as no one is meeting her fantasy ideal of perfect, so at least get a bunch of imperfect guys around to partially meet her need for attachment, plus playing guys against each other helps with control in a big way.  And couple that with emotional immaturity and inability to empathize, which created an emotional distance from each of the men, although she was really good at faking closeness, and which allowed her to treat us like puppets on a string, which she did enjoy at times when she was feeling in control and master of her universe.  Embarrassing to admit that I put up with it as long as I did, I was hooked, guess I had some things to learn still.

[flynavy]

Well put fromheeltoheal... .  I wish i could put my short story somewhere at this site... .  my ex strung guys along unbeknownst to the other guys.  I found out 4 weeks before we were to be married (talk about lucky)... .  even though i knew she was back with her old bf after the wedding cancellation(or really never left knowing what I know now) we still met for sex... .  at her house - dangerous, my house - very dangerous cuz her bf showed up at my house when she was there at 12:30 AM once... .  had to call teh cops to get them to leave my front yard... .  or even in hotels... .  she paid for!  I even left her there alone once when she passed out and she still wanted to rendezvous for sex on occasion.  She was still controlling me with the ultimate weapon!

[fromheeltoheal]

Well put fromheeltoheal... .  I wish i could put my short story somewhere at this site... .  my ex strung guys along unbeknownst to the other guys.  I found out 4 weeks before we were to be married (talk about lucky)... .  even though i knew she was back with her old bf after the wedding cancellation(or really never left knowing what I know now) we still met for sex... .  at her house - dangerous, my house - very dangerous cuz her bf showed up at my house when she was there at 12:30 AM once... .  had to call teh cops to get them to leave my front yard... .  or even in hotels... .  she paid for!  I even left her there alone once when she passed out and she still wanted to rendezvous for sex on occasion.  She was still controlling me with the ultimate weapon!

Yeah, but in the end she wasn't capable of true intimacy, so the emotionally disconnected sex wasn't doing it for me in the end anyway.  But I did get very clear on what I do want in a relationship, so thanks again BPD.

[Clearmind]

Well put fromheeltoheal... .  I wish i could put my short story somewhere at this site... .  my ex strung guys along unbeknownst to the other guys.  I found out 4 weeks before we were to be married (talk about lucky)... .  even though i knew she was back with her old bf after the wedding cancellation(or really never left knowing what I know now) we still met for sex... .  at her house - dangerous, my house - very dangerous cuz her bf showed up at my house when she was there at 12:30 AM once... .  had to call teh cops to get them to leave my front yard... .  or even in hotels... .  she paid for!  I even left her there alone once when she passed out and she still wanted to rendezvous for sex on occasion.  She was still controlling me with the ultimate weapon!

It's not a weapon if you were a wiling participant. It's a dance for two. It took both of you to create it - sex is sex. It's an act and can occur without love.

We place way too much importance on sex - frequency etc for love. It stems from need and validation for both of you. It can be wrongly used as a gauge for being valued.

[flynavy]

Alright clearmind... .  I know your a moderator but... .  maybe I'm old and cynical... .  I kind of know what a true intimate relationship is having been fortunate to have been with my soulmate for 32 years... .  we were both very sensual/sexual... .  so I agree it takes two... .  and its beautiful when in love and intimate.  Sex for sex is just that... .  mea culpa... .  but she(exBPD/NPD) always used it as a tool to reel me in (sorry for misusing the term "weapon" ... .  especially knowing/finding out that i am an extremely tactile/touching/sensual/sexual man.  It was a beautiful thing with my wife because we were so alike... .  I really hate to hear psychological babble and pablum... .  trust me on this... .  I have no need for validation especially with sex.  It is one of life's pleasures better performed with someone you love as not a validation of Love but rather an expression of love.  Remember this... .  we have a soul... .  thats what separates us from all the other creatures on this planet that have sex every day... .  but we still evolved from early humans with an innate basic need to procreate... .  some of us with more of that drive than others... .  I make no excuses for it nor do I apologize for it.  I'm just saying I was all in when we first met... .  I truly felt she was another love of my life... .  I was wrong... .  in keeping with psychological pablum... . it is a fact that the physical part of relationships typically continue after breakups... .  even in divorces which I have no experience at but I do read a lot... .  

[Clearmind]

You can disagree - I'm not judging you

Why did I not become this type of person... .  I am an adult child of an alcoholic... .  saw... .  been victim to... .  things a young child should not have to endure... .  

I’m also the product of an alcoholic household. My emotions were negated.

Sex provided me with validation, my ex needing me provided me with validation.

An alcoholic parent can have a huge bearing on our adult life.

[flynavy]

Peace clearmind... .  agree... .  I have the scars to prove I am an ACOA... .  my bother is a bad alcoholic... .  I became the go to guy... .  the fixer... .  I am so grateful that i found my true soulmate and had the time we had together.  Even while she was dying she taught me true selflessness... .  worrying more about me than her own self.  I do know that I do have co-dependent tendencies so I guess I was vulnerable from a number of aspects... .  The good news is that I am confident I started to investigate suspicious comments and yellow flags from a compelling "spiritual" venue... .  I am 60 years old and got my first tattoos memorializing my wifes memory... .  I have two Latin sayings... .  Semper Mecum - Always with Me and Numquam Periit Amor - Love Never Dies

[eniale]

I've said this before, but I think pwBPD are not bad, just very, very damaged people.  Some people have rotten childhoods & come out o.k., others very damaged.  I think there are several theories as to origins of BPD.  My conclusion is that you have to understand what motivates them.  I think they know right from wrong, but their own tremendous needs supersede all else.  Analogy:  a person knows right from wrong but is starving & has no money.  They see a loaf of bread.  See what I mean?  No matter how handsome/beautiful, smart, accomplished, talented, I think pwBPD have a self image akin to a bottomless pit.  Nothing is ever enough to fill them up.  I have gotten to the stage where I think I was just another meal in his food chain.  Understanding his problem is helping to heal me.  The tremendous hurt of his actions will always be a part of me, his duplicity outrageous, but I am detaching from him and sometimes can view him almost with compassion.  I see forgiveness on the horizon, but never again contact with him.  Bottom line:  the acceptance of all we might have had together is just very, very sad.  But you have to face reality to heal yourself.