Values.

[FindingStrength]

I am really struggling with setting boundaries that are based on values right now.

I think a big part of the problem for me is that I don't really know what my values are.  I feel like I have a totally different set of values when it comes to my uBPD mom/enmeshed family and everyone else. 

For example. I value honesty, both being honest with other people and having them be honest with me, yet I have absolutely no problem lying through my teeth to my family if it will minimize conflict.  I value respect but do not have respect for my family and allow them to treat me without respect.  I value creativity but have allowed my family to repress my creative urges by criticizing them throughout my life. 

I tried to sit down and create a list of values for myself but ended up either self-doubting by saying "that can't really be a value if you have never defended it before" or "that isn't a value if you do it with one group of people but not with your family." Or I end up creating values that are purely reactionary and rooted in anger.  Even now, reading back what I wrote in the paragraph above this one strikes me as being reactionary instead of reflective by saying "these are my values BECAUSE I was denied them."  I think it is so hard to separate both what I was told I should believe growing up from what I actually believe, and also what I need for healing and growth and stability vs what I need because of my anger and resentment of my childhood.

Does anyone have advice on understanding their values having grown up with someone with BPD?

[Clearmind]

Good question FS.

You can have values and not know how to exercise boundaries to protect them!

Having a BPD parent can sometimes mean that your boundaries were often crossed.

If honesty is a value - how would you know your value is being crossed? What boundary could you establish to protect it in the future.

Use a past example if you like.

Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

[Cordelia]

I agree - you don't have to live by a value 100% or never let it be compromised in order for it to be your value.  Sometimes I think it's even healthy to bend a bit according to the situation.  For example, your value might be that you value being spoken to with respect, and you decide you won't associate with people who aren't able to do that.  Well, your teenager is going through a rebellious phase and expresses it by using insulting language toward you.  Are you going to throw him out of the house?  Or realize that in this situation, although you wouldn't normally tolerate this kind of behavior, you are going to treat him with love and patience, calmly explaining that this is not the way we speak to each other in this family, and asking him to change his tone.  That's just thoughtfully adapting to a situation, it doesn't mean that being in respectful relationships isn't an important value to you. 

The problem of course is in a relationship with a BPD, there often isn't a thoughtful adaptation to a situation but rather a situation in which your values are under attack simply because they're your values, and a sign that you are a different person than the BPD.  And especially growing up with a person with BPD, you likely didn't have much of a chance to explore and talk about your values with people in your family in a safe environment.  I replaced some of these experiences with my interest in philosophy and religion - I love to have opportunities to talk about ethics and values and what's important in life, I think because I didn't get to have those discussions in my family. 

So rather than judging yourself harshly because you're not living up to a certain set of values with 100% consistency, I would advise just taking some time to explore different ethical systems, different approaches to living a moral life, and see what appeals to you.  Whatever you choose doesn't have to be the last word, either.  Ideally we continue growing in wisdom and our understanding of right and wrong over the course of our lives. 

When dealing with a BPD I think they actually set the bar pretty low, as far as values go.     If you decide that you value being treated with a minimum of respect, i.e., not to be insulted to your face, have your personal property destroyed, your trust betrayed or your decisions undermined for no reason, that is likely enough to end any relationship with a BPD if you decide to live according to those values.  It's really just deciding that you value YOU, and not letting the manipulative tricks of a BPD outweigh that.