Could we ever love enough?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been 6 months now since I filed from my stbexw - and the thing I still struggle with is how could my love not have been enough.  I gave her all the love, attention, patience, kindness, values, and morals that she never had growing up.  I struggle - how could that not be enough?  How could she take what most people long for in life and throw it away?  I am doing so much better - but that is the question I constantly struggle with.  :'(

[cal644]

It's been 6 months now since I filed from my stbexw - and the thing I still struggle with is how could my love not have been enough.  I gave her all the love, attention, patience, kindness, values, and morals that she never had growing up.  I struggle - how could that not be enough?  How could she take what most people long for in life and throw it away?  I am doing so much better - but that is the question I constantly struggle with.  :'(

[LoveNotWar]

I know, you entered the relationship with love and caring, you were sincere in that and expected that to be reciprocated because that is what happens in a normal healthy relationship.

But she is NOT healthy! She doesn't know how to have a normal,healthy relationship. You look at this from a totally different place than she does, her understanding of reality is not accurate.

I've worked with emotionally disturbed children for 30 years and I know you can't cure or even manage mental illness with love.


I'm sure you were very good to her and loved her very much but because of her mental health she cannot reciprocate. It's probably not that she doesn't want to, she probably CAN'T.

[wanttoknowmore]

cal,

The pure love is without any expectation of reciprocity. But, we are humans... . we desire something in return for what we do. If you truly loved her and she doesnot want the love... .  then, the most loving thing to do is ... . to do what she wants... .  in other words, set her free from bondage to you emotionally and physically.  Save that love for someone who needs it and willinbg to give back something which you need in return.

[marbleloser]

cal,You can't fill a bucket that has holes in it.No matter how hard you try.

[cal644]

Some great advise - she has said so many things that make me feel she doesn't feel she deserves the love - when I said I love you with my whole heart - her responce was you shouldn't! She has told me she doesn't know how to be a good mother or wife becuase she never knew that growing up.  She has also said that she is just a shell of a person. She has also said - how can I love you if I don't love myself - I don't know who I am. She has also told me to just let her go.  It's sad - breaks my heart.  But then when I try to let her go or to detach - she rages at me for not caring - and how it is all my fault.  I hate this ---hate, hate, hate this - I wanna reach out and help her but I can't.

[WalrusGumboot]

but that is the question I constantly struggle with.  :'(

To make it even more confusing, after I filed and detached emotionally and started being flippant towards her, the more she seemed to be turned on. I guess I could have "saved" the marriage if I started being an a-hole towards her. She might not have abused me so much, but I would be so out of character that I would have been equally as miserable.

Bottom line is that there will be questions that will probably never get answered. At this point, I can accept that and be OK with it.

[hithere]

I guess I could have "saved" the marriage if I started being an a-hole towards her.

Nope, tried that. I just ended up feeling bad about how she treated me and about how I treated her.  I am convinced there is no way to have a happy relationship with a person with BPD, period!

[eniale]

In my personal experience, love is not enough.  After proclaiming I was the love of his life, he wanted to be together forever, we were meant for each other, I had nothing to worry about when it came to other women -- he said "I met someone who bowled me over."  He said "This is so hard because I know how much you love me."  So my efforts were not in vain, he KNEW, but it was not ENOUGH.  You cannot fill up a bottomless pit, which is how I now view him.  Never ENOUGH women, friends, money. No one person, no matter how much love they have to offer, will ever be enough.  Not your fault.  These are sad, confused, conflicted people.  You yourself will be less confused if you realize SHE DOES NOT THINK AS YOU DO.