Facing Reality

[eniale]

Just read a post from member who said they are hindered in recovery when they read that sometimes a person's ex pwBPD makes contact and "I would love that."  That saddened me.  No progress towards healing can ever be made til one gets past this.  I had to get over "clinging to the words I loved to hear" and realize that in the beginning, my ex would say anything to win me over.  He now is probably saying those exact same words to his new woman, and probably next year, to another woman.  I was just another meal in his food chain.  He is a bottomless pit.  Loving words he wrote on cards are not worth the paper they are written on.  THAT is reality, not the fantasy I had of the life we could have together, even though he said he wanted us to be together forever.  That is why some pwBPD break people's hearts.  They may mean what they say when they say it, but truth is not a constant with them, it is a variable.  This is not being negative, it is facing reality, painful though it may be.  You have to swim up through the pain to get the oxygen of healing.  If my ex were to ever contact me, I would listen to him, but I would not be the same person:  I would be extremely wary, knowing that even if he wanted to change (see a therapist, etc.)  it is very likely he is INCAPABLE of changing.  Does not mean he is a "bad" person, just a very, very damaged person who broke my heart and can be a danger to my sanity/well being.  You have to be proactive in protecting yourself and moving forward with healing from these terrible wounds.

[apple]

When you realize that having NC is a blessing you are healing. Some folks don't have the ability to be NC with children and "co-parenting" but still have to deal with chaos as well as the pwBPD not respecting boundaries or acknowledging anything.

don't cling to the words said or written as they really don't have any meaning to them. My uBPDexw posted on facebook 2 weeks before the split that "I have the most wonderful husband" I know its hard to emotionally grasp and come to terms with but pwBPD are basically emotional con artists. The behaviors from which they operate are fail proof to the unsuspecting and knowing.  It's like the con artist that gets the elderly to sign over their retirement money but in our situations we gave our hearts, minds, souls and lives.

Heard this earlier today and thought old phil may have had a pwBPD in his life.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNrAm-R1m2Y

[eniale]

Thanks Apple,  WOW, I watched the Phil Collins video.  Yes, separate lives... .  but song says "For NOW, we'll go on living separate lives."  In my case, I don't think it's just "for now"; I face the reality it's "for always" -- I really loved him, but even if he wanted to change (doubtful) I don't think he is CAPABLE of changing.  That's part of facing the reality.  I try not to think too much of the feelings I had for him.  Too painful.  He showed me who he really IS; the person I loved was only my perception of him.  During our last conversation he said "you deserve a stable guy."  So he does have some self-awareness.  In our year long relationship, only once, after one of his many rants, did he apologize and say "I don't know what gets into me sometimes."  It is just so sad when you have had so much love to give & so much in common.  Such possibilities forever gone.  But he devastated me with his outrageous duplicity and I have to save myself by NC.

[apple]

eniale, The "for now" is the possible reference to re-cycling.  "for always" is the only way to live without psy & emotional suffering.

"He showed me who he really IS; the person I loved was only my perception of him."

That is what I mean by emotional con artist. The mirroring and idolization in the beginning is the how and why we carry that perception during the relationship. The "So much in common" could have also been mirroring as well.

":)uring our last conversation he said "you deserve a stable guy."  So he does have some self-awareness."

He could have some self awareness or be playing the victim pity card for manipulation?  My ex has zero awareness or has never acknowledged it to me.

NC is a blessing and NC or LC is a necessity in order to heal from the deep wounds. Things will get better

[eniale]

Apple --

Thanks for your comments.  As for "who he really is vs. my perception of him" he repeatedly wanted assurance of my faithfulness to him & even while he was establishing a new relationship told me "when it comes to other women, you have nothing to worry about."  I perceived him to be honest & trustworthy.  He was neither.

Things in common:  This was true.  We definitely were of the same mind when it came to politics.  We loved indy films & loved the same documentaries.  So it's sad to have lost that.

When he said "you deserve a stable guy" -- although he was capable of lying, I think he really meant that.  On occasion, he could really reveal himself, but I didn't pick up on it.  He was very accomplished & once I said "you have a lot of self confidence" & he replied "it's only a façade."  I think that was absolutely true:  despite his many accomplishments, I think his self esteem is zero.  Inside he feels a bottomless pit; hence, no one woman will ever fill it for him, and he cannot ever have enough friends (he wanted me to remain "best friends" (!) even after revealing his cheating.

Agree with you about recycling; "for now vs. for always" -- For always comes with a high price of loneliness, sadness, but ultimately peace of mind.  Gradually we process everything (postmortem work) & things do get better.

[apple]

eniale, The remaining friends thing is the most bizarre part for me after what I have been through. My exw acts like she hasnt done anything and that nothing has happened between us and will try to talk to me about her woes and her life.     She will use talking about the kids as an opening. It's like she just doesnt f-ing get it and I have more or less told her what I think of her in the past when I had had enough. It never seems to sink in   

I guess PwBPD don't acknowledge or cant acknowledge the damages because of their shame.

[Rocknut]

":)uring our last conversation he said "you deserve a stable guy."  So he does have some self-awareness."

He could have some self awareness or be playing the victim pity card for manipulation?  My ex has zero awareness or has never acknowledged it to me.

NC is a blessing and NC or LC is a necessity in order to heal from the deep wounds. Things will get better

After insane rages, my ex seemed to have "moments of clarity" where he would apologize, beg for forgiveness. He would tell me, "you deserve so much better. you deserve someone who doesnt do drugs. you are so much better than me." I never knew if it was a real apology or manipulation. It happened at least 3 seperate times.

[MockingbirdHL]

During the 3+ years my dBPDh were / are / have been together he's had several moments of awareness regarding his disorder, his behavior and thinking. Those are the hardest to let go of ... .  He KNOWS its irrational thinking, he KNOWS its overwhelming emotion distorting the facts ... .  Why can't he SEE that right now?

Because he's in too deep right now?

[eniale]

Some of this will always remain a mystery... .  

Only once did my ex really apologize.   He said "I'm sorry about today, I don't know what gets into me sometimes."  He had many, many rants, criticized me a ton of times, but never again apologized.  I do think he has some awareness of his problems, but he is an older man and maintains he has had a "marvelous" life, so I guess he does not really want to change.  Like a lot of pwBPD, he has had many, many, many relationships.  In the past, when we hit a rough spot, he would say "we will make this work because we both want it to work."  That gave me hope!  So I hung on, and actually things did get better, but that's when he cheated.  I think he really likes the variety and doesn't want an enduring, devoted relationship.  Said to him I deserve better than this, and he replied "you do."  If he had said he knew he had a problem & wanted to try to make things work, I would have stuck by him as I really, really loved him.  But in the end, he cheated on me and said what we had was not enough.  That ended all hope for me.  SO... .  I said GOODBYE, and meant it.  I will not allow him to ever hurt me again.

[fromheeltoheal]

Just read a post from member who said they are hindered in recovery when they read that sometimes a person's ex pwBPD makes contact and "I would love that."  That saddened me.  No progress towards healing can ever be made til one gets past this.  I had to get over "clinging to the words I loved to hear" and realize that in the beginning, my ex would say anything to win me over.  He now is probably saying those exact same words to his new woman, and probably next year, to another woman.  I was just another meal in his food chain.  He is a bottomless pit.  Loving words he wrote on cards are not worth the paper they are written on.  THAT is reality, not the fantasy I had of the life we could have together, even though he said he wanted us to be together forever.  That is why some pwBPD break people's hearts.  They may mean what they say when they say it, but truth is not a constant with them, it is a variable.  This is not being negative, it is facing reality, painful though it may be.  You have to swim up through the pain to get the oxygen of healing.  If my ex were to ever contact me, I would listen to him, but I would not be the same person:  I would be extremely wary, knowing that even if he wanted to change (see a therapist, etc.)  it is very likely he is INCAPABLE of changing.  Does not mean he is a "bad" person, just a very, very damaged person who broke my heart and can be a danger to my sanity/well being.  You have to be proactive in protecting yourself and moving forward with healing from these terrible wounds.

Very healthy.  Good for you!