rough week for my poor mom

[enough abuse]

What a week it has been for my poor mother.  I just admire her for her strength and am so proud of her for sticking to the program and not allowing herself back into the circle of abuse.  Although this is so difficult.  My UBPD sister is what I call "severe"

So it was a pleasant almost getting our lives back to normal few weeks.  After my mom being here for 6 weeks recovering from spinal stenosis (my sister wanted her to stay in pain and get local treatment in the rural community, she was mis diagnosed and did not see any proper medical professionals)  Since I am a NP she is very compelled to prove she has as much medical knowledge as I do with no education.  Mom had gotten home (2 miles from her) and had not seen or spoke to her which was sad but good because it was peaceful. 

Last week my sister texted my mom to ask her to go to grandparents day for her kids at school, something my mom has done and enjoyed for a few years.  My mom texted she would go.  Monday my sister texted her the time and schedule.  Mom said fine.  As the day went on my sister ended up calling my mom and noting but trouble nasty to my mom of course much of the hate was about me.  She has said I am the favorite, I do nothing wrong, nobody ever trusted her and on and on... .  we have heard all this SOO many times, nothing ever changes. 

When the kids got home from school, she first had her 11yr old call my mom and tell her she did not want my mom to go to grandparents day.  My mom asked her if her mother told her to call and she said yes.  My mom said why don't you want me to go?  She said "we don't know how you will act"  My mom asked her "how do you think I will act" and she had no response.  Then her 12 year old son had to call and say the same thing.  This totally broke my mom's heart.  Those kids have always loved my mom dearly.  My mom has done everthing for them and has never had a bad experience with the kids.  Then her 14 yr old called later and was literally yelling and swearing at my mom.  Calling my mom a liar, telling her she ruined the family, swearing at her... .  this is very very out of sorts.  In fact in the fall the kids were on the tail end on the circle of abuse and this kids sat at my mom's kitchen table and poured her heart out to my mom about what had been going on in the house.  MY sister be friending a widowed guy with 3 kids and how very involved he was in their family life.  How my sister threatens to divorce my BIL and just many things.  My mom gave her support, assured her confidentiality and was expressed much love... .  so this very out of sorts.  So she went to these desparate extremes using her kids to hurt my mom.

Then after all this and her husband called to just carry on all the above.

On Thursday she texts my mom and said her son had a ballgame at 6 and she should bring a chair if she would like to come.   Seriously?  This is the kid that called Mon and told my mom they did not want her at grandparents day so why in the world would she go to the ballgame? Although we know the poor kids are innocent and being used... .  what is this teaching them... .  you and talk to your grandma this way and then in 1 days she is suposta brush off the abuse come to your ballgame and all is well... .  No so... .  My mom did keep going back for years, but as the abuse has gotten worse and with counseling my mom has learned to stand up for herself. 

Now she is texting my mom and my mom has completely quit responding.  She then says to my mom your are ignoring me, what did I do now?  She is so sick, we know we can't do anything but oh the pain.  My mom is 71yrs old has been widowed from my dad 29yrs next month, has been a wonderful mom and given her life to us. 

My mom said the other day she told a friend "If I knew I would have had a kid like that, I would never gotten married and had kids"  My mom NEVER NEVER says things like that... . I could really feel her pain in those words.  My mom is a woman of strong faith and for her to make that statement was huge.  My heart breaks as she is 2.5 hours away and alone. 

I found out today on her facebook she puts tons of captions and posts about how much her kids mean to her and how she has great kids.  Also posts tons of the captions about "mess with my kids and you better run" I speak my mind.  and tons of those things.  The first thing that crossed my mind was I know a very disturbed individual who posts very simmilar things and has actually had her kids taken away from her and many social and psychological problems... .  my sisters facebook is just like her's... . wow.

At leas she is leaving me alone, personally... .  totally destroyed me verbally... .  but my poor mom... .  I just pray for her.

[jrx]

I'm sorry to hear about what you and your mom have gone through. It must be hurtful seeing how your sister is influencing the children in a way that's so punitive to your mom.

[P.F.Change]

  enough abuse.

I can understand why you are feeling sad for your mom and angry at your sister. It sounds like you do not have much direct contact with your sister, is that right? What is your relationship like with her kids?

It sounds like your mother knows how to take care of herself if she wants to. It is hard, though, when children are used to manipulate. It sounds like that is what your sister is doing.  It must hurt both you and your mother to see that happening to them, and to feel powerless to make things better.

How are you taking care of yourself? Do you have a therapist of your own to talk to?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[enough abuse]

PF,

Yes, I do have a therapist who has been very helpful.  I saw a psychologist about 3 years ago when I really started putting all this together and I have recently seen a social worker. 

My relationship with my sisters kids WAS good.  However now my sister apparently has them convinced I am a terrible person who "tells my mom what to do and she only listens to me" She has filled their minds with terrible things.  I hold on to the memories they have with me and how I have always been consistent with them and always told them I love them. 

At Thanksgiving time due to the high school my niece goes to made it to the state football championship which was taking place near my house, my sister asked and I excitedly offered to have Thanksgiving at my house for my sisters family and my mom and we could all go to the game.  My sister basically assumed I would not care if a single male neighbor and a widowed male friend of hers with 3 kids would all come and stay at my house also.  My sister has very inappropriatly befriended this man and he and his kids involvement in my sisters family to say the least is not healthy.  I told her he was not invited to stay at my house.  I met him once and my husband never met him.  When I said they were not all able to come, my sister immediatly said they would not be comming.  She then told me how she told the kids that I ruined Thanksgiving... . oh no... . it was her choice not to come.  At that time the 14 year old who was swearing and very nasty to my mom, told my mom a lot of things that were taking place with this man in their home... . I called my niece to tell her it was her mother that chose not to come to my house for the holiday and they were certainly welcome.  I also told my niece her mother has a problem and grandma and I have seen a professional and things she does is not the fault of the kids and we love them very much.

MY sister interogates the kids on conversations between them and my mom and I.  So the whole family is now saying I owe her an apology.  I discussed this with the social worker who assures me I should have no regrets for saying what I did.  Hopefully some day down the road my niece can remember this and it be helpful.  My sister is now blatting that I told her kids "she is mental"  not quite... .

I pray for the kids as they to are on the "circle of abuse"  right now at the top, everything is better for ever for them... . mom is the best... . give it time... . they will round the circle once again as we all have.