Difficult times with out her

[LosingIt2]

My exuBPDgf and I have been NC for Basically three months. I have been at my mothers side this week after her third open heart surgery. It was a life or death situation and has been incredibly stressful. She is going to be ok. I know my ex loved my mom. Many people do. My exgf kind of viewed my my mother as the parent she always wanted, and my mother was extremely good to her... .  They were close. Honestly I have been more focused on my mom this week, but it hurts that my ex hasn't made any effort to see how my mom is doing. When my ex and I last spoke she knew the surgery would be sometime in May, but the date was not set. I assume she doesnt know that the surgery just happened... .  But she hasn't tried to find out. Again, things ended very badly btw us and I know I contributed to it. Still, somehow it really stings that she is so out of the picture during this time. What do you guys think?

[eniale]

I think you need all the support you can get right now and hope that you have family and/or friends who will stay close to you at this time.  But not sure if it should be your ex.  I believe you said NC for 3 mos?  Do you really want to break that by contacting her?  I know it's painful as she was close to your mom and she knew surgery was scheduled for May.  But contacting her to let her know could set back your own healing.  You are VERY vulnerable now & I know you are hurting.  I am going through a very bad time as 2 very close relatives have been hospitalized.  One now on hospice & the other re-hospitalized after mild stroke.  My ex really liked them but only saw them a few times... .  it would be wonderful if we were still together, but I have 3 mos. NC & will stick to it... .  realize your situation is different.  Have you seen a therapist?  I did & it really helped.  Best of luck with all your are going through.

[Validation78]

Hi Losingit!

Sorry to hear about your Mom. I pray that she will recover fully, and that you and your family remain strong to give her support.

I think it best that your ex keep her distance. After 3 months, if she is no longer part of your lives, she would probably create stress for you and your Mom by being involved. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care. Maybe she's being respectful of her place in your family now. This might be hard for her too, knowing that your Mom is ill, and I'm sure on some level, she does care, and is keeping you all in her thoughts.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[LosingIt2]

Thanks for the kind words. Eniale, im sorry to hear about your relatives. Stressful stuff. I am seeing a T but am away so it will be awhile before I see him. I can't really talk to my family about my ex as it seems irrelevant to the current situation. For me, this current situation makes it harder thinking about my ex sometimes. 

I also feel like my ex doesn't really get the gravity of the situation.  Theres like some kind of block when she has to empathize with something serious. At least thats what it felt like. I don't know how i feel about NC. My hands are tied and i really feel like its not up to me to reengage. The more time that passes the more i am concerned of not seeing her again. Its very frustrating!

[LosingIt2]

Guess I'm far off from acceptance.

[eniale]

To quote from your last post "The more time that passes the more i am concerned of not seeing her again. Its very frustrating!"

I know your plate is very full right now, but when you have the time/strength, it would help you to do some more "postmortem" work.  That really helped me.  By that, I mean understanding the difference between your perception of your ex, and the real person.  I was heartbroken, missed him terribly, and went through some very bad, lonely times.  But then I suddenly had some breakthroughs:  I was consumed by "clinging to the words you loved to hear" til I read some material on this site on that very subject.  I now realize that the very things he said to me he is now no doubt saying to his new conquest.  I also began to see him as a bottomless pit; despite his many accomplishments, his own self image is very poor and no one person will ever be ENOUGH to satisfy him.  I was just another meal on his food chain.  I truly, truly loved him.  He can fall in and out of love, but is incapable of being or staying in love.  I don't know your situation with your ex, but no doubt because you are so vulnerable now you are remembering all the good things --

I think you need to focus on what made the relationship fail -- & no, this is NOT being negative.  It is hard maintaining NC but this site has helped me so much & I hope it helps you, too.  Best wishes on your mom's speedy recovery.

[flynavy]

Losingit2... .  my therapist said i believe in a joking manner said I should right a short story about my experience after discussing with him wht happened.  He(therapist) started out as my grievance counselor for my wife and turned into the same for my ex BPD/NPD?HPD fiance.  So I did write a short story... .  everytime I read it, I re-affirm in my head the person she really is... .  not what I wanted her to be/thought she was/what she programmed me to believe.  I use the word programming because it IS exactly what they do.  In a sense I am de-programming myself with reality everytime I read it.  it did/does work for me and it has already served as an aid and tool for others who read it.  Here is just an excerpt from the story where I use a bullet list to summarize some behaviors/experiences she had that I believe made her what she is today... .  

It really was like walking on eggshells….cause ya never knew what would send her off into a rage.

WHO SHE REALLY IS and the types of behavior she exhibited and perhaps why she is what she is:

•   May have had inappropriate contact at young age with male family member….she actually divulged this to me early on but wouldn’t say who because she said….”she did not want me to hate this person”.  This too may have been one of her lies to get me to be her “the knight in shining armor” to come to her rescue and feel so sorry for the victim.

•   In a sexual relationship with an 18 year old boy/man when she was 13 and stayed with him all through high school…making him 22 when she graduated…true.

•   Married early to an abusive alcoholic for a short time

•   Married again because she was pregnant.  Stayed with him 10 years because he had $.  As soon as his business fell apart she divorced him, 4 kids unfortunately for them, later

•   Began quite a promiscuous (sorry…just a lot of different guys) lifestyle after her divorce and then met a guy in her development and actually got engaged to him and then called it off for what reason no one really knows

•   Moved by her sister and started dating her now boyfriend (8 years now)

•   Would still see her first ex husband…even go on vacation with him.

•   Tried on line dating and getting fixed up by friends and seeing guys who are reps from work on occasion while she is in a so called committed relationship with her current boyfriend.

•   All the time keeping her personal life very private from her family and probably only one real friend…who let’s just say has the same moral fabric

•   She has fling with guy she met in a home improvement big box store because he is a “snappy dresser”…her words.  Cops/bounty hunters come to her house because he is wanted for identity fraud and goes to jail.  She may still see him/talk on occasion.  He was a married man.

•   Went out with a much older man who lost his wife …almost got married till the children intervened and stopped it.  I hear he was probably 15 years older maybe more.  He had a lot of money….see a pattern.  Her current 8 year boyfriend has a lot of money.

•   She meets me while committed to her current boyfriend

•   Accepts my marriage proposal

•   Accepts her current boyfriends proposal for marriage 2 weeks after accepting mine and dumps me…it was done very “coldly”

•   Starts seeing me for sex 2 months later while engaged – unbeknownst to me!

•   We start seeing each other regularly (4-5 times a week…mainly sexual) while she is engaged

•   I ask her to marry me again after seeing her for 8 months again…she says yes…again.  Still not sure if she is still engaged to the other guy

•   We come home one day and find a big penis drawn on her car and stuff thrown off of the deck and broken…could it be her disgruntled boyfriend who sees me there at her house everyday.

•   I start full investigation because something comes over me (compelled to do so)

•   When I find out the whole story, I call off wedding 1 month before

•   She is outraged, will not leave, becomes physically and verbally abusive

•   Finally leaves the next day

•   She is back with her current boyfriend but still rendezvous with me for sex on a routine basis

•   Her boyfriend find out one night and shows up at my house…I have to call the police because they would not leave my front yard

•   She still sees me for sex in hotels etc. while she got back with her current boyfriend again…God knows what she told him to make that happen?

•   She continues to text/call (and me too so I am no angel I guess)until I finally say enough is enough on April 24, 2013….Know why…she is in Florida text flirting with me…I meet her at airport to surprise her when she gets in ….guess who also is there.  I do not confront…but it is affirmation just how sick she really is…they were holding hands/smiling/ like an engaged couple should I guess!

•   Just sold her house…I painted it and spent a lot of $s on rugs, the listing on line, her first husband did landscaping for her at this house and her current boyfriend put in driveway and double decker deck…as far as I know any way.

“So what would make a seemingly intelligent, successful, loving, caring man, who just went through a terrible ordeal loosing his wife to cancer get and stay involved within this circle of Insanity”?

Did I say that the SEX was over the top!  Guess what guys….if it seems too good to be true….IT IS!  It was only about INTENSITY for her…not INTIMACY like it was for me.

I’ve asked myself that question now and after a lot of research I have figured out that I was extremely vulnerable and was essentially taken by a con artist (albeit a sick one but a con artist non the least) who betrayed my trust, my love and took me for around $20K in gifts, paying bills, gifts for her kids, car repairs, home repairs etc.

Please hang in there... .  be there for your Mom.  I pray you find that strength I KNOW we all have down deep that gets us through some tough times.  Utilize this site!  I for one would have never admitted a web site could be therapeutic/helpful... .  I was WRONG.  I have actually felt a bond that is indescribable albeit digital... . it is real!