I'm a 23 year old, and my mom has been BPD since me or my sister (who is 12 years older) can remember. I'm currently living with her after having a baby in my senior year of college. This is a big change since her volatile temperament and mood swings have caused me to move out for years at a time multiple times in my childhood, the last time being when I was 17. I came home to find the same miserable house and same miserable mother.
So now to get into the nitty gritty of what it's like in a few short sentences that i'm sure you guys will be more understanding of due to your involvement with BPDs, so I won't try to explain them away but to just put them down.
We have cable only in her room, which is a "treat" to be in. I clean the kitchen and living room, but she's the "slave" and "whipping post" around here. I keep her locked in her room whenever she's home by ignoring and doing my best to avoid ever coming into contact close enough to hear something come out of her mouth. ALL her friends and co workers tell her just how generous and wonderful she is. Don't know WHY she helps out with the kids and won't take a vacation. She doesn't vacation, by the way, because she has to be ready IN CASE I need her. This is obviously because i'm not a competent mom, I don't really mean it when I tell her "please, please ing leave! Just for a weekend!", and I constantly ask for her wonderful help. And when we argue, she'll just pick the lock to continue our conversation since I so rudely locked her out while we (she, basically) were talking. She also threatens to throw my cat outside and let him run away if I try to get my daughter and myself out of this situation. If you couldn't tell, this is heavily laden with sarcasm.
So the more expansive problems are there:
-Boundaries
-Parenting
-Sanity
First boundaries. As stated, she picks my lock so that she can continue arguing with me. She also steals keys, unplugs the internet and hides the cord, steals my phone or charger, etc. She will sit outside of my door (since I can remember) and listen to my phone conversations only to throw x,y,z back at me later or storm in when she feels my conversation or treatment of said other person on the phone is not acceptable to her. She even brags about using a baby monitor to spy on my sister when she was a teenager so that whenever her and friends fought, she could blame just her. Recently, I had to take a shift for a friend at work who watched my child but unfortunately (and she doesn't know how unfortunate it was) forgot to call my mom to tell her where the baby was. My mom ranted about how it was not HER fault that I was irresponsible and a poor mother who leaves her kids here, there and everywhere (eyerolls abound). It was awkward for my friend, who has never met her. She will also go through past phone calls if I ever use the house phone (which I have lately because my cell is failing, but strictly for family). I'll try to ask for advice from my family only to have her eavesdrop, go through the call history OR call everyone and systematically rant about the situation until she finds the other person I was speaking to. Making requests like "knock before barging into my room" (usually in the middle of the night while i'm sleeping for no reason which is VERY creepy and disconcerting) and "do you realize that you're doing this?" or "can you stop/can I have space" are FUTILE. I'd have better luck winning the lottery and moving out, but seem to have won the ty parent lottery instead.
Parenting is another issue. My child is now 9 months. When I was pregnant, her and my father made sure to tell me that they did not approve of me keeping the child. She, when I was 7 months pregnant, decided to tell me (while on vacation and talking about nothing even remotely related) that she had two grandchildren already, and didn't need another one. She also VERY recently said that my child was going to get raped because she was that type (of 9 month old) girl. WHAT? Are you ing serious? And the worst thing is that people I tell this to aren't even phased anymore. I may as well have told them that a deranged killer was in my house, and they'd have shrugged it off as the same old Saturday. The irritating thing is this-she wants to BE the parent. She decided to tell my entire family a secret that I told her to make HER feel better about some things I said years ago. Wow. Should have been smarter than that. She told everyone. No boundaries. I'd say i'm humiliated, but i'm not. I'm pissed. Pissed at her behavior. She also likes to watch the baby even if other people are watching her. That's because only SHE can watch her best and I leave her with strangers ALL the time which worries her (PS I've only left my baby EVER EVER EVEN ONCE with my sister, mother, 2 close cousins, and two good friends. Literally ever. 6 people.) She always wants to tell me that i'm abusing the baby by letting her climb on objects she (the 9 month old) KNOWS she shouldn't be on and can get hurt on (but what can't you?). If she walks on ANY surface in our house save one ugly, dirty, uneven persian rug then my mom flips out about my parenting and uses herself as the standard (what a joke). I also make my baby food and did not want to buy food for her ever. I was talked into buying food for trips out/unexpected emergencies and somehow this turned into she will NEVER feed the baby anything I make because she doesn't like the taste (and by she, yes I do mean my mom because the baby does like the foods I make). She refuses to even try. She then talks about the quality, as if my fresh grown, fresh prepared, hand made organic lalala creations are less worth than those generic, mysteriously sourced store-bought pouches that last for years on the shelf. Nutrient central. She's even dropped the bomb to my sister that she wants to take me to court for custody of my child because she has the best intentions for her and I do not. What a joke. This all coming from a woman who threatened to rear end a semi with me and her in it and kill us both.
Sanity is last. Her "friends" are a big part of this, and her projection is another. Her friends, first off, are the ing bane of my existence. All I hear is "My friend so and so said", "My friend so and so thinks", "Why don't you ask my friend so and so?". Newsflash-I don't give a about your friends. I don't care about their opinions on your one-sided, overdramatized, and probably completely fallacious stories. I don't need lectures from people who are (for the most part) as much of a mess as you are, either. Of her four best friends, all have stopped talking to her for a long period. One who is rich never talked to my mom until her homes were all foreclosed on. She only talked to her for rides and money. Another stopped talking to her decades ago because my mother and said rich girl made fun of her not wanting to dye her hair and continue being ugly and grey-haired. In her (mom's) mind, they're still BFFLs. Then there's another one who is cool and down to earth. We got along, and she outright stopped talking to my mom after finding out that spending time with her wasn't enjoyable. ZING. And the last was divorced by her husband a decade or so ago and had the NERVE to call my mom crying about it sometimes. Well my mom showed her what was what, and told her that she was taking away her precious sleep and that she actually had a job that required her. I believe the convo ended with " you bhit" and hanging up, which is my mom's favorite way to use the phone (unexpectedly hang up whenever she disagrees. She's empowered now, and has to start "doing for B (herself) now". I digress. The point is that ALL of these friends stopped talking to her for a decade or so. Two of them came back to talk to her recently, and it's given her the self-righteousness she needs. "WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CAME BACK?" is always the question, and not "why do you think they left in the first place?" So i'm just sentenced to be thrown on the phone with random friends of hers without warning to be lectured on how loving and kind my mom is and how much she does and I need to stop being ungrateful. All I want to do is scream I PAY FOR IT WITH MY SANITY, but I don't. I've tried talking with a few family members about it, but I realize it seems just too ing crazy to be real life unless you're in the midst of it. Which brings me to another problem-her projection. She will yell at me for hours and hours, then once I tell her to just "shut up and leave or I will" she chastises me for arguing in front of my child and she feels bad for her. If I ever call her on it and i'm not arguing (99% of the time), she ignores it casually and just talks over me as usual. It used to be bearable, but since having a baby she's all empowered to have me serve her every whim and purpose be it weed-pulling or listening to her (silently) bhit (about me to me) because she just needs "someone to listen". She's doing for B now, and she's not going to be "a slave" anymore. But somehow, whenever we argue she says like "you would fight with the moon if you could!" or "why are you so angry all the time? I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT! YOU!" or "I spend all day cleaning and working while you just sit around" when I spend all day at home with the baby making her food and playing and doing around the house like cleaning only to go every evening to my waiting job that (unfortunately) doesn't get me enough to move out in this area.
It's just all driving me insane. On the one hand, I want to just calm myself and know that she's already over 60 and has to die at some point, but on the other hand I know that truly evil people live forever. In all seriousness, I just don't know what to do. She constantly pushes me to the edge then taunts me to hit her and it takes every fiber in me not to (and i'm NOT violent). Every day I hope that she won't come home from work or that she'll just move away or die. I know that's horrible, but I just can't take it. I'm stuck in this house and have been. I'm saving up money, but there's no hope in the near future and I don't know how much longer I can go on living with this blatant CONSTANT emotional abuse. My sister is partially NC, my dad and his wife dislike/avoid her, and she's single so she treats me like her house husband "whipping post slave" (not to take her words from her). It's truly like fighting with a 16 year old queen bee. I'm going out of my mind. I've tried everything from ignoring her and putting headphones in or leaving (she'll track me down or argue with me regardless of whether i'm listening), i've tried being out of the house as often as possible, I've tried doing nice deeds like cleaning HER ROOM (she kicked me out of her house for the bazillionth time in response), and i've tried "being the bigger person", and NONE of it works.
I'm desperate for a solution and some salvation. I've given her my 23 would-be best years of my life, and I can't stand it. I'm literally losing my mind and all I think about is putting the cat and baby in the car, driving as far as the tank gets me, and figuring it out from there. I can't stand it anymore. Does anyone have any advice/live in the BPD lions' den and have coping techniques?
