Why and how easily could he detach?

[crystalclear]

As most of the non- BPD person in the relationship,  I am still comprehending 'whys and hows' of the behavior of the pwBPD who claimed to love me and spend his life with me.

I know I will never get this answer from him ever, so hoping I could understand from you guys;

He called it off in January and never called me again after he asked me to not contact him again in February.  In march he met a new woman through a family friend. After 2 meetings they decided to get engaged in April, and heard they are marrying next month. 

I knew he always wanted to settle down soon as he thought it would get difficult to find a pretty or good girl if he postpones anymore as he 33yrs already.

How could he detach from our relationship so quickly and get engaged within just 2 months,  I am sure had he met her earlier he would dump me much earlier.  As he just seemed to display disinterest in spending time with me January itself. All he did was blame me mostly for his anger and never show any positive behavior to work on our relationship. I tried my best to convince and cajoled him to restore togetherness but alas

[bb12]

Hey crystalclear

It's just part of the illness. It's an attachment disorder. They attach too quickly and detach very painfully. Add to the mix, a diminished ability to empathise and they're not able to relate to the pain they leave their ex's in.

What did you learn about yourself from all of this?

What was it about this person that made you lock in?

And what were the red flags that you can perhaps look for next time?



BB12

[Cumulus]

Hi crytalclear, those were important questions for me as well. I needed to understand BPD, how he could think and act the way he did, really seeming like two different people. In fact one of the last times I spoke to him at the end of the relationship I asked him if he was two different people. His response, vague as was usual, "something like that.".

So I began to try and understand on my own, reading books and articles and finally finding my way to this site. The first book I read "Walking On Eggshells" was so validating in helping me understand what I had been dealing with. I have learned a lot but will never completely understand the mind that has BPD. I don't know if its possible for us nons to ever realize what goes on in their heads.  I eventually was able to move away from that line of questioning and begin to question myself. To try and understand what got me in that relationship and what kept me there.

I hope you find your answer. 

[crystalclear]

Hi bb2,

He does not know he suffers from this disorder. And since i had no idea about it while i was with him i could not pick the red flags which i now noticed as i retrospect.

We met up for official dinner/drinks (he is my work counterpart) - He was not someone i would usually be attracted to at the first sight but his confidence, smart talk, gentleman mannerism but MOST importantly a man with a HEART. It was a LDR if he yelled at me for anything or lost his cool he would quickly apologise and cry saying that he never wants any negativity between us. He called me or texted me several times in a day and say how crazy he was about me and how much he loved me. He made meet all his best friends and his friends told me how happy he was since he met me.

However slowly these arguements were more often as he said my social lifestyle like partying or meeting friends (esp. guy friends) made him jealous and insecure that he was not with me. I reduced these but his anger developed into abusing me emotionally and physically at times when he was drunk (push me, block the door, he grabbed my hand so hard that it left bruises, hit me with blanket, throw glasses/mobile phones on walls) he apologised for this weeping and pitty sobs first few times but then stopped apologising or crying or even caring to ask the next day - like he dint want to talk about it or he would say i was too drunk to remember what i did. He made me believe that i was the root cause of his anger - so i tried everything to make him happy and bring back our relationship to a more stable state... .  never happened... . he never changed... .  all he said in the end was why was i doing all this only in the last few months and not in the beginning... .  it was too late to change anything he said.

As i analyse today, i think i was too emotionally stuck with him like addicted to him irrespective of him controlling me or his behavior. We were to get married this march but everything changed since last September when i called off our engagement so we could first resolve the issues (which he agreed on too) but his took the path of detachment i guess. Beginning with 'i need time to put my head together', next 'silent treatment' when his calls and texts reduced drastically, and then he continued to blame me for his frustration... .  the arguements always were about me and my actions... .  and i wondered if being social was something wrong, if partying with friends was wrong... .  if meeting new people was my mistake... .  why doesn't he trust me? but he would bring the past instances when a few of my guy friends expressed interest in me... .  but i always pushed these guys away and cut off my contact with them... .  at times i think i was foolish to be transperant and honest about day-to-day updates with me... .  because he always hid from me whenever he met other girls during our relationship... . he once went on an overnight trip with a girl... .  or met his ex gf... .  all these were always hidden from me... .  when confronted he would cover it with another lie or deny it... .  

[crystalclear]

Hi Cumulus,

Thank you for sharing your experience... .  perhaps this guy had 2 faces or sides too... .  

I read that book you mentioned, and it does explain the pathology of pwBPD and it is helpful.

I just do know how this person could move to another girl (into marriage) so quickly... .  was it because he was scared like he said or was it because this is also a pattern... .  and would they find happiness in marriage or would 'boredom and detachment' soon follow... .  

Do they have a steady patter or do they actually end up finding 'the person' for life who changes them as they are now married and would do anything to stay in it... .  ?

[Cumulus]

Hey cc, mine moved into marriage very quickly and stayed married for 35 years. He found "the person", and that person was me. And he would do anything to stay in it, why? I'm not sure but I think having a safety net was a part of the reason. So why not you and why someone else. I can't answer that with any certainty in your case but in mine I believe he found me accommodating, easily manipulated and willing to shoulder most if not all of the load of life's problems. Maybe the other woman had more of those characteristics then you did. Maybe he sensed you were looking for a partner and he was looking for a caretaker.

So what have you avoided by not marrying a person with BPD? A roller coaster life. A life filled with horribly deep sadness, unreal highs and a state of constant trepidation. A lonely life with your needs unmet. A life where you feel you need to protect your children from their father. A life where at some point you have to say is this worth it. Anyway, that was my experience.

I wish you healing and when you are ready a new relationship that is deserving of the love and care that you put into it.