New Member: Mom with BPD

[Jamonine]

I am completely convinced that my mom (step-mom, but raised me) has BPD. She never really showed signs, until my dad was thrown over a 4 story building and almost died. The accident brought a lot of feelings for her out and her behavior became really dysfunctional. She is a practicing therapist and really knows how point the figure back to you in a manipulative way. Recently, my dad filed for divorced and she moved closer to me. I was hoping that being closer to family, it would give her incentive to feel stable, security in belonging somewhere, and direction. She is definitely a high-functioning BPD. She is an amazing therapist, but really can't hold down any interpersonal relationships, without it being co-dependent. The hardest thing for me is to maintain emotionally intact when she tries to pick an argument when she feels detached from me, having good boundaries and not validating a co-dependent relationship, and not knowing how to response to her when verbal vomits all over me when I don't fill a need she has. She is truly a wonderful person and I love our good times; however, I have 3 little children and a husband to protect. She won't admit that she has BPD and will not see another therapist (her last one, who she saw for 12+ years, let her go). Her having BPD is the ONLY thing that makes since with her erratic behavior. I want to do my part in understanding her and being a loving daughter, but it is hard.

[Being Mindful]

Dear Jamonine,



I'm so glad you are here seeking information and support. This is a great place to learn about BPD and gain understanding how you can help yourself in your relationship with your stepmom.

One of the first things I thought of as I read your post is value based boundaries. This is a key piece to keeping a healthy relationship with your step-mom as well as keeping you "safe" from her verbal vomits! Here is a link to get you started on boundaries:

Boundaries Tools of Respect

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Do you have brothers or sisters for support with your stop-mom?

Looking forward to getting to know you better and learning how we can help.

Being Mindful

[ennie]

Welcome! 

While the BPD person in my life is not my mom (I am a stepmom, and the BPD person in my life is my SDs' mom), I sure can relate!  My mom is also a therapist, and a very challenging person in my life.  She, too, is a great therapist, and has a hard time with interpersonal relationships.  While I do not think that she has BPD or is mentally ill, I think she has some characteristics that sure remind me of the BPD person in my life, but in a much milder way.  For her, I think that being a therapist and being involved in a lot of personal growth work allows her a sense of intimacy and progress in her challenges that is difficult to achieve in less formal relationships.  I tend not to judge that, but am just glad that she is able to help people and herself while getting some of her needs met. 

I also definitely notice that the BPD characteristics in my stepdaughters' mom's life come out under stress, particularly traumatic stress.  She does especially well when trauma first hits... .  and then things degrade. 

I admire your desire to do your part in being a loving daughter, but it sounds to me like you have already succeeded!  Being loving does not mean lacking boundaries; in fact, I do not think there are any rules for how "being loving" is supposed to look.  I personally find myself feeling more loving when I am able to have clear boundaries, particularly with my parents, who live nearby. 

I also really love the workshop on values-based boundaries to which Being Mindful referred you, because it places the focus on what you value and love that is being compromised, rather than on making rules to control another person. 

What behaviors does your mom engage in that seem BPD to you?  How are you concerned she will (or has already) affect your husband and children?  I would like to better understand how she is presently affecting your life. 

I look forward to seeing you here more!

[P.F.Change]

 

I was hoping that being closer to family, it would give her incentive to feel stable, security in belonging somewhere, and direction.

If she has BPD, you can't make her better. She needs to learn stability on her own without using other people. That is a Therapist's job to help her with. 

... . verbal vomits all over me when I don't fill a need she has. She is truly a wonderful person... .

Do "truly wonderful people" behave the way your SM does? What makes a person wonderful? Also, you say she is an "amazing therapist." Maybe she is--but I am curious about how you concluded this. Is this what others say about her?

You are in a great place to find support. We also have lots of helpful articles and workshops. The links BeingMindful gave you are a good place to start.  Feel free to look around at others also. You deserve to take care of yourself and your children. It is ok to say no and to hang up or walk away when you are being abused. Do you have your own therapist to support you as you practice honoring your boundaries?

Wishing you peace,

PF