Every Day Is Worse And Worse

[cult]

I was so looking forward to my partner's return. She left last Tuesday and returned yesterday afternoon.

Ever since April she has been in a deep depression, likely compounded by PTSD. She is in therapy and in the pipeline for meds, but no meds yet. Our relationship as it has existed for 10 years has essentially been dead since then. She is no longer present in the relationship or anywhere else in her life, really. Ours was a loving and affectionate relationship, the best I have ever experienced and IMHO the best anyone could have wished for in many ways. Well, that's all stopped since April.

So anyway, she gets home and I am excited, delighted to see her. Things were OK for a while but as always lately, every time I try to discuss my needs in the relationship, she explodes, refuses to compromise with me, and tells me she has nothing to give me. I asked her to spend more time with me, and to spend the weekends with me, and she refused to even consider making that commitment. She was very rude and abrupt about it, as well. If she had been more considerate of my feelings while still saying she couldn't do it, I think it would feel better. At least I would feel important to her. But at this point, unfortunately, that is not what happened.

At this point I am miserable when we are apart and equally miserable when we are together. I miss her so much when we are not together but feel frustrated and ignored when we are together. I am like a thief stealing little bits and crumbs of her attention and affection where I can. It's not freely given as it once was. It feels horrible no matter which way I turn. I just can't win.

I am falling into depression myself because of her coldness, all this stress and uncertainty. I have depended on this relationship for 10 years. I have built my life around it. I support the two of us financially and to say I am resentful about it, especially now, is an understatement. I burst into tears at random times. I don't know how I am managing to function. I cannot believe that this is my life. What is happening to me? What has happened to my baby?

I just don't know what to do. I am just miserable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

hi, are you both married or just exclusively dating? and yes, 10 years is a long time. Sounds like you need to set some boudaries for YOU. I know boundaries are so important. You shouldn't feel sad. Esp. since you choose to stay in the relationship. And why doesn't she pay towards any of the bills? does she work. Sounds like you have resentment building up. And I see the love/hate relationship style, I know that feeling when... .  when they are gone you miss them so much but when they are their alot of tension and hate build up.

Do you have any outside friends or support system?

Please keep posting, you are not alone.

[arabella]

 

Did you say you were working on codependency issues? A lot of what I'm reading in your post sounds SO much like where I was at before I realized how much of it was CD. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to do work on yourself.

It sounds like your gf is really overwhelmed emotionally right now. That puts you in a horrible spot. I know that you need support too, we all do, but she just isn't in a place where she can provide that. The more you ask, the more you're pushing her away right now. This is where you need to start finding others sources for yourself. I find coming here to post helps me a lot. Do you have friends or family you can lean on? Are there support groups in your area that you could hook up with? Perhaps a group for partners of people who have survived abuse or a CoDA meeting?

You've been together with your partner for a long time. This is a drop in the bucket. But that drop can make a huge splash if you don't take care of yourself. This is an opportunity for you to spread your wings a little and remember that you are a great person with a life outside of your r/s!

[cult]

Thank you, Arabella. I appreciate your help. What workshops might help me? Is it OK if I send you a PM? I'm in bad shape today.

I am very CD and I feel like as long as the current situation continues I am unlikely to make much progress. What has helped you in your situation?

I know I am making things worse and only pushing her further away from me by continuing to ask her to be the person she used to be. Last night and this morning were both very, very hard. I woke up early and could not stop sobbing. She was awake, so I went to her and asked for a hug. She gave me one and told me she loved me, but it was mechanical. I am a thief, like I said. I can't believe things have gotten so bad so quickly.     As much as I tell her I can handle giving her space, my actions are proving that I cannot. At least not THIS much space. Not without boundaries, and I do not have any boundaries yet.  I am still paying for everything and we still live together, although she is gone as much as she is here these days. Maybe this is where my boundaries start.

At the very least I must stop making it worse... .  I am going to check out some of the helpful hints on the sidebar. I don't know how much longer I will be in Staying, I think I am more in Undecided now after last night and this morning.

[House of Mirrors]

Hi

The only thing I can offer here as a fellow CD is that you will cling to a relationship no matter how bad or difficult it gets. It will usually cause you a lot of pain to do this but you won't care because you love her more than you love you. Your pain is worth trying to fix or save her. If you could fix or save her then everything would be OK right? Except the sad truth is that you can't fix or save her - she can only choose to do this herself. She is not your responsibility no matter how much you tell yourself she is. She is responsible for her own stuff.

As a CD, until you question why you are there, what unmet needs you have both now and from the past) and face your own pain and feelings you will most likely remain in the pain you are currently in. It is NOT easy to recover from CD but the more you pursue and focus on the other person, the more you will run away from yourself, your needs and any potential happiness you are capable of.

I don't mean any of this to sound harsh (far from it - I would call it a reality check from one who knows and feels your pain) but until you recognise these facts you will remain in the uncosnious pain of your actions.

I hope this helps,

HoM

[jedicloak]

Hi Cult,

Welcome to the club - this is a good place to be! A couple thoughts... .  run, don't walk to an Alanon meeting in your area - they are everywhere - usually everyday in different places. It's NOT just for people living with alcohol issues. I began going a month ago - it has been SO helpful. I come to this board/website nearly everyday... .  it too has been SO helpful. Saved me really. Find a counselor in your area - they helped me a TON too.

I didn't understand from your post... .  so things were good for 10 years and then she had a trauma and now has PTSD or she has had PTSD for 10 years? PTSD is it's own issue - I would suggest reading everything you can about it and talk to a counselor who understands those issues. PTSD leaves the person feeling out of control of themselves and your gals upset/irritation/insensitivity has to do with her feeling powerless - NOTHING to do with you.

[jedicloak]

Hi

The only thing I can offer here as a fellow CD is that you will cling to a relationship no matter how bad or difficult it gets. It will usually cause you a lot of pain to do this but you won't care because you love her more than you love you. Your pain is worth trying to fix or save her. If you could fix or save her then everything would be OK right? Except the sad truth is that you can't fix or save her - she can only choose to do this herself. She is not your responsibility no matter how much you tell yourself she is. She is responsible for her own stuff.

As a CD, until you question why you are there, what unmet needs you have both now and from the past) and face your own pain and feelings you will most likely remain in the pain you are currently in. It is NOT easy to recover from CD but the more you pursue and focus on the other person, the more you will run away from yourself, your needs and any potential happiness you are capable of.

I don't mean any of this to sound harsh (far from it - I would call it a reality check from one who knows and feels your pain) but until you recognise these facts you will remain in the uncosnious pain of your actions.

I hope this helps,

HoM

Yes, this is EXACTLY right. This is MY experience too. Take the time to really read and internalize this - save you it can!

[cult]

This is exactly what I needed to hear/read. I already attend at least 1 CODA meeting per week, and have a CoDA sponsor so I have started but you guys are right, I am focusing totally on her and I do love her more than I love myself. I hate myself and I blame myself for many of her problems. I know this is nonsense but it IS the way I feel.

I am starting to think that I cannot heal myself and remain under the same roof with her. I don't think I am strong enough to do that yet and I don't know if it is wise or safe for me to even try, anyway.

I am definitely clinging to this relationship, CLINGING for dear life. A new friend just told me that I had to let it go. I know that unless I let go I will drive myself insane. I am already to the point of needing antidepressants and anti anxiety pills to function. If this continues on it will only get worse.

I was actually considering moving 1500 miles across the country, leaving behind everything and everyone I love, simply because SHE wants to move. She didn't even consult me about moving, just announced that she wanted to do so. And I was ready to go along with it!

I am so lost!

[briefcase]

Hi cult, sorry you are going through a tough time.  We know what that's like.  It sounds like you need to spend a little more time taking better care of yourself and detaching a bit from her.  In these relationships, its easy to get sucked into their orbit and let their emotions and needs dominate our lives. 

If you haven't read them, you should definitely check out the Lessons here --->

[Cloudy Days]

I am also very codependent and working on it  I think a few things that helped me is that I actually read my husband's DBT book. It works for them when they start getting better so why wouldn't it work for us too. Being in the moment is very important. When she is not around, and you find your thoughts are consumed by her, try some mindfulness techniques and live in the moment. Every time I start getting anxiety that is caused by my excessive worry of my husband and his actions I try to breath and focus on what it is that I am doing. It's made me a much happier person and it's let me detach from him with love. I spend more time on me, drawing, watching my favorite show, playing with my dogs ect. even washing dishes. I know you are already going to meetings, I bought the book Codependent No More and it helped me to see what I was doing that was Codependent and man was I! It helped me to see what I was doing wrong and why I was doing it.

[arabella]

Cult - I'm so glad to hear that you found a CoDA sponsor. That's a big step in the right direction! Knowing what you need to work on really is half the battle.

If you feel that you need more space in order to heal, then go along with that feeling. If your pwBPD is away half the time already, that means she has somewhere to stay, she will be okay. You need to heal for both your benefits and she clearly needs some space right now too. You don't have to end the r/s to have space - just take it down a notch and see how it goes. One step at a time!

You can PM me absolutely anytime - you don't need to ask!

[tiff]

This thread is so helpful to me.  I'm realizing that I love my BPDbf more than I love myself.  I like myself, but I'm not good to myself.  Thank you for posting everyone.  I needed to read this. 

[jedicloak]

Oh yeah, I get that too. I did send my BPDw to the other side of the country to be with her parents for 3 months because I literally could not live with her 1 more day... . no way, now how. 8 years of doing it wrong was my limit. Her being gone has been the VERY best thing for me. I attend Alanon, read books, practice boundaries, learn about how I can be happy when she isn't, etc, etc. Saved my life and perhaps our marriage - we'll see. You're doing the right things... . keep coming back because we care and we get it! There is hope.

[cult]

So last night after work I went to a CoDA meeting, and it was very helpful. It seemed like everyone who shared was speaking directly to me.

I went home half convinced my partner would have left due to the fact that I acted out on my CD in the morning. Instead I found her home on the couch, waiting for me. She greeted me like she was happy to see me and reminded me that we had talked about going out to dinner, which I had completely forgotten about  .  I apologized for forgetting and told her we would go out over the weekend. But it wasn't a big deal. I told her I needed a meeting and she understood. I reminded myself that I had sent her an email AND called before I went to the meeting and she did not respond either time.

It's not 100% my fault that we ended up not going out to dinner last night, but I am glad that she remembered, and I think she may have missed me and been waiting for me to come home.

She told me a little about her day. I showered and sat with her on the couch for a half hour or so. It was nice just to spend time with her. We just talked easily, did not argue. I did not press her for details or ask her a bunch of questions, something she hates. I tried to just share moments with her and it felt good.

She's about to leave for two or three days to her sister's. This is normal routine. So I will not see her again until likely Friday.

The feedback I have received from you all here and others is invaluable.  The biggest thing I am getting is that I do need to detach and let my GF heal, and begin my own healing process. It is very frightening for me. I don't really know any other way to be except obsessive, compulsive and controlling - the big CD traits.

This morning she tenderly caressed the side of my face and told me she loved me as I prepared to leave for work.  I wish I could have just held that moment in my heart and left for work, but instead I told her to give me her hand to kiss, which she did. I am worried now that I was once again asking her for more than she can really give, but then part of me says to just let it go, that it isn't a big deal and after 10 years is nothing of consequence, except as a reminder that I do constantly push her for more, more, and more... . that I don't enjoy what she does give me because I'm always gunning for more.

I want and need to learn to accept what she gives me, because even in her compromised state she gives me things.

But it's certainly better than where I was yesterday.

I will be on here throughout the day. I will do my best to support others as you are all supporting me.

The beat goes on.

[House of Mirrors]

Cult,

Big   to you. This is a very tough time for you and very scary I would imagine. Really glad to hear you are already on your healing journey.

I was just wondering if you know what is at the root of your codependency and whether you have acknowledged or explored that yet? It can be a dark scary place that we run from but once you face and deal with it it will no longer have the power to drive your actions unconsciously. You will start to see your impulsive behaviours more clearly and maybe re-direct your efforts to yourself.

If you have emotional abuse in your background (and you would be surprised at how many things this actually covers) then I would highly recommend Beverly Engel's books (particularly 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship'. She also has a website and I believe does speaking engagements in the US. She is based in TX  I believe. I have found her words of wisdom and clarity an invaluable resource.

Just acknowledging that pain you are experiencing from clinging to this relationship and sitting with your unmet needs is a good place to explore. From that pain comes wisdom. My feeling is that maybe you never experienced love from parental figures in your life and maybe don't know what that feels like. The feeling I get about the way you express your emotions towards your partner is that you desperately want her to love you in an all-consuming (or at least tangible) way but are being met with push/pull instead. This could be part of the repetition complex - re-creating a childhood relationship situation in order to resolve it differently in adulthood in intimate relationships.

A good first step is to commit to reading books that will help you with YOUR (not her) emotional development. Try and treat yourself with the love and repect you automatically give to your partner. See if you can commit to letting go of the outcome and don't forget to breathe... .

We are all journeying together and it isn't easy so do reach out. I know I do and the people here are lovely and very wise.

Big hugs,

HoM

[cult]

Hi there,

Yesterday my partner ended up staying home instead of going to her sister's. She did not say why and I did not question her about it. I would like to believe it was because she wanted to spend time with me, but it could have been because her sister told her she was not needed. She asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner, so we went out and had a nice time. We came home and went for a walk. It was OK. She kissed me good night, and while it was nice (I guess) it is becoming small solace - very small - for everything that I have lost.  I did a good job not acting out in my codependency. But I am feeling little comfort.

I woke up upset again this morning but I did not immediately turn to my partner to soothe me. I soothed myself and did not mention it to her. I am glad of that. This is real progress for me. We hugged and kissed goodbye this morning, but it was (as always lately) at my initiation. My partner no longer initiates any physical contact with me - this from someone who previously could not keep her hands off of me (and I loved it).

On my way out the door she mentioned that a potential freelance job she had lined up for the weekend might not pan out so she "did not know what she would do this weekend." I can only assume that she is setting the stage for running away this weekend as well, just like she has done for the last two weeks. This weekend is Memorial Day weekend and I have three days off. I hoped we'd spend it together, but every time I ask my partner to spend time with me she refuses. Her refusals are becoming more forceful.

I am not being treated lovingly and respectfully. I am upset, angry and confused. I feel like a fool. I am throwing myself at her and she does not want me. She does not want to spend time with me, or email me to see how my day is, or talk to me. I learned yesterday that she IS spending considerable amounts of time with a friend with whom she talks about her PTSD. She texts him all day long and spent several hours with him on Monday and again on Tuesday. She posted a pic on FB that he took of her. Yet, she has every excuse in the world for not spending time with me.

Clearly she isn't so depressed that she is declining contact with everyone.

I am mad and upset. I deserve better.

[House of Mirrors]

Cult,

Really sorry to hear that. I did wonder if her distance was coming from a place of having her needs (or at least some of them) met by someone else.

You are making really good progress but Rome was not built in a day so take it easy on yourself. One observation that I make about myself (my counsellor made me aware of it too) is that I can put a lot of physical and emotional effort into fixing my SO and any problems with him or the r/s and it is quite stressful and emotionally draining. Sometimes we can get so caught up in 'fixing the perceived problem(s)' that we forget to be kind to ourselves and take time to acknowledge what our needs are. That is the whole CD dynamic - caught up in external distractions that stop us from addressing our needs, finding our voice and refraining from following the CD script.

I would invite you to write down what your needs and your feelings are right now. After a long relationship in which the drama must have taken its toll on you, take this time to assess where you are and what you need for YOU moving forward - whether that is in a relationship or not. Somehow you need to find a way to fulfill those needs that does not rely upon a SO in your life. Think about where you can hand some of the responsibility back to her - emotionally, financially or otherwise.

Try not to agonise over her or the relationship if you can (and i know that is very hard to do) and really focus upon you. Read some books, talk to a counselor, talk to friends, reconnect with hobbies that nourish you, have some FUN - allow yourself to do that. After draining your battery on a SO for a long time it can be easy to forget what fun even is!

Be kind to yourself Cult and let your future unfold without forcing it. It is all part of your journey. Easy for me to say and hard for you to do I know 



HoM

[cult]

Thanks everyone. This process is so hard!  I have focused so much of my time, attention and energy on my partner (all of it actually) for so long that I really do not know who I am, what I need or what I want.

My very demanding job keeps me busy during the day (although I am ALWAYS thinking about her/us) at least for the next few weeks. This is good, because at least I have something to focus on and many distractions. I am a teacher and summer break will be starting soon. I feel that will be the time when all of this will truly start to ... . what? break? explode? come to some sort of fruition?

At this point I really can't fathom the idea of the r/s ending. At the same time it's hard to deny that as unhappy as I am without her, I am not really any happier when she is around.

What I really want is for things to go back to the way they were, so I don't have to endure this searing pain. I really believe I am going through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. The shock is beginning to wear off. Right now I'm being batted back and forth between denial and bargaining. I mean, no matter whether the r/s continues in a modified form, the truth is that the r/s I have had for the past decade is over. So it IS a grieving. A mourning.

My needs right now are for companionship and compassion, primarily. My feelings? Shock, anger, depression, the deepest and darkest sadness I have ever felt (exceeding even the death of my father), desperation, disbelief, loneliness, and overwhelming fear. The word that comes to mind most often when considering my feelings in this r/s, especially the past year, is paralysis. The truth is I haven't been happy in a while either but I am in a certain role in the r/s, and I was determined to see it through.

Years ago we moved to Las Vegas for one year. My partner had a really good job. I was miserable and so we moved back home. Her first job back here was awful and she threatened to leave me and go back to Vegas once. I never forgot the words she said: I love you but I can't depend on you. I vowed to become someone that she could depend on, and in many ways that was the seed for our current situation. Not that I wasn't CD before, and she is CD too. But I was triggered into high gear with this statement. Later, after she lost another job (the last one she's had to date), she blamed me for "making us" come home, even though it was HER idea. I accepted this blame and the guilt. Expectations, resentments... . it just goes on and on... .

[House of Mirrors]

Cult,

All I have is 

I too am a codependent in a very long term relationship with a uBPD partner and it is very difficult trying to change things / come to terms with the way the relationship is / BPD behaviours / whether to stay or leave / reconcile my needs with his lies.

You have the support of the good people here. I know that for me, that makes at least some positive difference. I guess we just have to be brave right now and change some of our behaviours or we will just get more of what we have had.

My situ is slightly different; on the surface he is acting like an angel which is keeping me sucked in. Under the surface he is being deceptive and lying which is making me very sad. I am trying to take each day as it comes but some days are hard and I feel very sad and alone BUT at least is it a fresh and encouraging thing that I am acknowldging and trying to deal with my own feelings rather than just make it all about him. I think I need to do some reading about my stuff though... .



HoM

[cult]

Cult,

All I have is 

I too am a codependent in a very long term relationship with a uBPD partner and it is very difficult trying to change things / come to terms with the way the relationship is / BPD behaviours / whether to stay or leave / reconcile my needs with his lies.

You have the support of the good people here. I know that for me, that makes at least some positive difference. I guess we just have to be brave right now and change some of our behaviours or we will just get more of what we have had.

My situ is slightly different; on the surface he is acting like an angel which is keeping me sucked in. Under the surface he is being deceptive and lying which is making me very sad. I am trying to take each day as it comes but some days are hard and I feel very sad and alone BUT at least is it a fresh and encouraging thing that I am acknowldging and trying to deal with my own feelings rather than just make it all about him. I think I need to do some reading about my stuff though... .



HoM

Right back at you, HoM. 

Your feedback and insights have been very valuable and helpful to me. You are right: turning the focus on myself is the ONLY way. It's just so hard to do. Like turning around the Titanic. How long have you been in your r/s?

My CoDA groups and sponsor are enormously helpful; however I need counseling too. I am starting to look into my options there. And this board is an invaluable resource.

My SO is a runner and a hider... . so her behaviors currently are very much par for the course. I think that for at least one year, probably longer, she was doing what your SO is doing (going through the motions on the outside, different story on the inside). It just all exploded this year. I started to break out of my proscribed role which knocked down the whole house of cards... . I finally admitted to myself that the financial setup is not sustainable and talked with her about it and that was ONE of the instigators of her current distancing... . truthfully if I am honest, she has not chosen our situation (where we live, etc). She has allowed herself to be dragged by me for the last couple of years. She hasn't existed. So it's reasonable and logical that she would have a lot of feelings about this and would not want it to continue. Even without the rape, the depression and the PTSD... . what a mess!

Let's keep helping each other focus on OURSELVES and acknowledge what has to be dealt with in ourselves and by extension in the R/S. As my sponsor says, bringing light to the darkness one catacomb at a time... .

[House of Mirrors]

Thanks – I need a hug. Glad to help. I feel helpless here most of the time and am very much a beginner with the BPD stuff, I bow to the far superior knowledge of most of the people here. However, I know how it feels to be codependent and to struggle. I think like me you don’t want to quit and that is such a CD trait. No matter how hard it gets we weather the storm. I do think that WANTING to change helps you to turn the Titanic around more easily (I see like me, you like using seafaring analogies  )

I too am trying to break out of my usual role, this has been very recent. Do give counselling a try – someone experienced in CD issues and relationship dynamics would be helpful. Maybe if they have some knowledge of BPD issues that could be helpful too but the focus should be your CD and maybe your family relationships / childhood issues.

Twelve years today we have been together – loong time. Shame I feel sad today…maybe because I know I can’t have the relationship I really want and it will always be darkness and light and not light and truth.

Do you know what would be much easier? If we didn’t love them so much and we loved (and valued) ourselves more. I guess that is a work in progress. I will try and help you stay on course with that and maybe you will also help me stay on track. Our natural tendency seems to be focused on having extraneous problems to solve….re-focusing on ourselves and being more selfish would help I feel.

Maybe things will improve and you should rename this post 'Every day is better and better'?

We can but hope!

HoM