Do they miss you when you're not around? Or, playing "hard to get"

[allibaba]

The thing about dealing with the space and uncertainty, the push/pull is that it bothers us so much because we're codependent.  We feel attached to our pwBPD, and therefore go on these rollercoaster rides with them.  Emotionally healthy people either leave the pwBPD when they start the "games," or they just get their needs met elsewhere. 

Wow can I relate to that!

My husband is in a serious funk since Wednesday and only recently I am learning not to ride with him on it.  Each morning I am having to walk away from him because he turns verbally abusive - I haven't been finishing packing his lunch or making his breakfast!  Good news though.  He hasn't starved yet.     I actually thought that his whole world would collapse if I didn't make him a meal.    Maybe I thought that he would starve to death 

I am going away this weekend and I'm looking forward to the space (regardless of whether he comes out of the mood or not)... . its his mood to have and deal with.

That being said and back to the topic at hand... . I just sent him a message to let him know that I will miss him while I am gone.   I kissed him and told him that I loved him last night.  And I am making a special trip home this afternoon to see him before I leave ... .     

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HazelJade]

Had anyone had any success at dropping little reminders during periods of not speaking? How often should said reminders be dropped?

When my husband storms off in a huff I make sure that he knows that I love him unconditionally throughout the huff.  That is because I am not playing a game and I am not trying to manipulate him back into coming back to me.  His biggest fear is being abandoned and I don't want him to confuse me giving him space with me abandoning him.  I am married and we have lived together for 10 yrs.  I am comfortable that I am the most important thing in the world to my husband.  I know that because he needs space doesn't mean that I should break contact... . that is just our situation.  Everyone is different.

I don't think of it as dropping reminders... . I think of it as Reminding him how I genuinely feel about him... .   it doesn't matter whether I am being painted black or not... . I try to disconnect from that and do what is right for me.

Allibaba, your posts really impressed me.

Of many, many posts I have read these are the the ones that gave me the clearest image of real love, strength, confidence and mostly, freedom of mind.

God bless you, your husband is really lucky to have somebody so special beside him. And he must be special too, in his own way. I think if there is a right attitude for coping with BPD, it's yours.

Thank you. It made me feel really good reading you.

[benny2]

Yes I do think they miss us. I also remained silent during episodes and sure enough after a few days he would contact me. He would never tell me that he missed me, but he would say things like, "I have not slept for days" or "I sure sleep good when your here". I think that meant he missed me. I'm not sure if they miss us in the same way that we miss them though seeing as so much of the relationship on their behalf is based on need. I do agree that its probably the things we do for them they miss the most. They are just so self absorbed. I think its a good idea to let him come to you. Give him something to think about. Its hard, I know, but it worked for me.

[Mian]

Allibaba, thank you so much for your positive post about telling your partner you love him, even if he is in a bad frame of mind!

I'm a new member, but I have been reading the posts on this site for a long time. My relationship of 2,5 years has been a roller-coaster ride and I am still trying to figure out whether I want to get off the ride or not. Reading through all the boards I found a lot of negative comments on living with a BPD partner, even on the Staying board. For me, I keep reading as much as I can about BPD to understand better. I do find it hard to go through the abusive (verbal) periods, the breakups and then the get back together again. A lot of times I find myself walking on eggshells, waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Trying to help my BPD partner often turns into disappointment... . for me, because my expectations are too high. He is trying hard, I see a big improvement and let my guard down, meaning I forget his way of thinking and dealing with emotions. He gets confused and frustrated and then, usually, after 10-14 days lashes out at me. We have been going through this cycle for a long time now. We moved in together, we split, we moved back in together, we split again... . He only learned he has BPD 2 years ago and has tried several times to get help. Unfortunately he has not been able to stick with it. He is taking medication but does not see a councilor on a regular basis. Usually I stay pretty calm when he explodes but recently I've been losing it. I am tired and feeling depressed at times, mostly because I feel like I'm doing the best I can without any positive result, either for him or for me. I know it is very difficult for him to deal with his emotions and I can see that I have been triggering him with all my best intentions. I have tried to not contact him, but that doesn't work. I miss him and worry about him, he feels abandoned and that makes him go on another rampage which triggers me to go into yet another useless argument with him. I should have learned by now, arguing is not getting us anywhere. He often indicates he wants to be by himself or just spend some time with mates. I found that hard to accept, especially the spending time with his mates because that usually means heavy drinking. And alcohol does not go well with BPD and medication! But me letting him know I have trouble with him going out (because I am predicting things will get out of control again) starts another argument. Setting boundaries has proved to be difficult because if I say I will not accept verbal abuse, what is the repercussion when he does abuse me? One week no contact? Two weeks no contact? Or do I end the relationship? We are not living together, he is by himself and I live with a friend. We have been arguing over the last 3 weeks, he has been very abusive and I've been very angry. I am soul searching right now and reading everything here is making a lot of sense to me. I know I need to make the right decision FOR ME. That does not take away the fact that I do love my BPD partner. But I need to heal and get my strength back before I make a decision. I have, for now, decided to stay in my relationship but with a time out from arguing and fighting and trying to help him. I do not respond to any abusive text messages or phone calls.

I did call him today just to say: I love you.

I know this post is very long and maybe a bit all over the place, but I needed to talk about how I feel, without reservation or walking on egg shells. I think everyone here can be of help to and maybe sharing my experiences can help someone else. I would be nice to find more positive reactions but I guess once you and your BPD partner find a way to happiness you don't post as much anymore... .

[allibaba]

Allibaba, thank you so much for your positive post about telling your partner you love him, even if he is in a bad frame of mind!

I'm a new member, but I have been reading the posts on this site for a long time. My relationship of 2,5 years has been a roller-coaster ride and I am still trying to figure out whether I want to get off the ride or not. Reading through all the boards I found a lot of negative comments on living with a BPD partner, even on the Staying board.

Hi there... . yes its hard!  I think that a lot of the negativity (even on the staying board) is because we tend to surf the board and post on the board when we are having issues (SO is in his or her horrors).  To some extent or another, we all tend to ride that roller-coaster that you refer to and its easy to forget why we are with our BPDs 

Setting boundaries has proved to be difficult because if I say I will not accept verbal abuse, what is the repercussion when he does abuse me? One week no contact? Two weeks no contact? Or do I end the relationship?

I remember having a hard time with this too.  For me, its not about making my BPD understand that I am laying down a boundary... . initially I tried saying "You will not abuse me."  or something silly like that... . and then leaving the house for a period of time (I live with mine as he is my husband).  Frankly this just didn't work.  He saw it as an invitation to fly across my boundaries to prove his power.   

I think that having 'no contact' be the consequence of abuse would probably be perceived as abandonment in my house... . and frankly who could have a relationship that way.

What I started to do was walk away from the conversation when it turned verbally abusive with some sort of statement of why I was doing it.  This morning my husband called me a name because while I was helping him get ready for work - I wasn't able to find his work shoes that he had inadvertently hidden behind a chair.  As soon as he did it, I stopped helping him and walked outside.  He was going to start a tirade into why I was worthless... . he came outside and said "I was still talking to you [insert name]."  I said "sorry I am done.  you called me [X]. Have a good day."  He stormed out of the house... . but did NOT go into the tirade!  (Bonus). 

This weekend he was doing some work in the yard and something didn't go his way and he called me a name... . and actually stopped about a minute later and said "that was inappropriate.  I shouldn't have called you that I am sorry.  I am just frustrated about X."  You could have blown me over with a feather.  This is the same guy who used to go into absolute tirades every morning blaming everything under the sun on me.  The name calling sometimes lasted for 15 min at a time and I just stood there like a useless idiot.

We are not living together, he is by himself and I live with a friend. We have been arguing over the last 3 weeks, he has been very abusive and I've been very angry.

I found that when he is abusive and you are angry is the best time to start implementing.  I know it sounds odd but he will be able to see a firm change in how things are running in your relationship.  I did have to find a way to separate from my anger at him... . because all of these actions need to be done with love.  You love him and therefore you will not let him abuse you.  Its not healthy for him, for you, or for your relationship.

But I need to heal and get my strength back before I make a decision. I have, for now, decided to stay in my relationship but with a time out from arguing and fighting and trying to help him. I do not respond to any abusive text messages or phone calls.

I did call him today just to say: I love you.

  It sounds like you are in an ok place.  Finding your strength and doing the right thing by avoiding those situations where you constantly JADE.

I would be nice to find more positive reactions but I guess once you and your BPD partner find a way to happiness you don't post as much anymore... .

Its true... . take some time to look at the success stories board.  That was where I realized that this really could work for me.  People don't post the positives very much.  I found the idea to remind my husband that I love him all the time... . a long time ago on some relationship communication board.  Frankly it didn't stop some of the bad stuff happening in our relationship... . but it probably saved our marriage a few times while I was finding my way to this site!

My husband is sick and stressed this morning... . but he was 100x better than he's been in the past when he felt the same way.  I started implementing boundaries using my current approach about maybe a month ago... . Grey Kitty gave me guidance.  I posted a conversation of our typical mornings and he gave me some concrete examples of what to do.  The next morning I tried it.  Go check out the thread... . I think that its called DEALING WITH VERBAL ABUSE.  Feel free to post a typical example of verbal abuse that you are experiencing and see if any of us can make suggestions of how to respond.

Now its me that wrote the novel... . but I have seen a pivotal shift in my husband since I started this.  We have been working together around the house on weekends (again you could blow me over with a feather).  My husband cooked, cleaned, did laundry with me this weekend (a year ago... . he sat on his butt and watched tv while I struggled to do it all) this weekend.  Most importantly we were able to have intimate conversations about us and our life without him losing it.  This stuff really works.

[allibaba]

Allibaba, your posts really impressed me.

Of many, many posts I have read these are the the ones that gave me the clearest image of real love, strength, confidence and mostly, freedom of mind.

God bless you, your husband is really lucky to have somebody so special beside him. And he must be special too, in his own way. I think if there is a right attitude for coping with BPD, it's yours.

Thank you. It made me feel really good reading you.

Thank you.  That is very kind of you.  I believe that my husband and I are good together and as long as I stay healthy... . that I will drag our relationship with me.  We won't ever have a "normal" relationship unless my husband decides to go to therapy and address the issues at the root... . but we have a shot at having a really good relationship!  Finding this board and the advice of some of the senior members is saving my life and I am really really really grateful for that.

[bruceli]

Giving space really seems to work!

As does giving - as someone else called in on another thread - a "ping" once and a while as a friendly reminder that you're there whenever they're ready.

Last night, I got some great advice from a male friend whom, after I found his insight into my bf's brain uncannily accurate, revealed he also has BPD. Though he confirmed the splitting, he also said something about my bf's behavior that I hadn't thought of before: "He's pushing you away so he can self-destruct." And desperately grasping for a sense of control after increased closeness; by contacting him, I was denying him the very space he needed. We devised a plan to leave him alone for a week, then sent a "I know you need space; looking forward to hanging out again."

Naturally, after all this plotting and planning, my bf ends up texting me last night with a polite "thank you" for the magazine I left at his house. I replied the next morning with "glad you enjoyed it." It's not a full return to normal, but I'm still happy!

Back to the subject, while I know all pwBPD are different, my BPD confidant claimed it was likely that one would be missed, though after a period of solo introspection... . hence the need to give them as much solo time as they need. Good advice!

This is SOO accurate... . This really gave me a huge a-ha moment.  Exactly what BPDw does before she comes back to reality.  If it wasn't for her son and needing me to help with him... . she would have hit the self-destruct button months ago I feel... . This was great... . thank you... .

[nomoremommyfood]

Giving space really seems to work!

As does giving - as someone else called in on another thread - a "ping" once and a while as a friendly reminder that you're there whenever they're ready.

Last night, I got some great advice from a male friend whom, after I found his insight into my bf's brain uncannily accurate, revealed he also has BPD. Though he confirmed the splitting, he also said something about my bf's behavior that I hadn't thought of before: "He's pushing you away so he can self-destruct." And desperately grasping for a sense of control after increased closeness; by contacting him, I was denying him the very space he needed. We devised a plan to leave him alone for a week, then sent a "I know you need space; looking forward to hanging out again."

Naturally, after all this plotting and planning, my bf ends up texting me last night with a polite "thank you" for the magazine I left at his house. I replied the next morning with "glad you enjoyed it." It's not a full return to normal, but I'm still happy!

Back to the subject, while I know all pwBPD are different, my BPD confidant claimed it was likely that one would be missed, though after a period of solo introspection... . hence the need to give them as much solo time as they need. Good advice!

This is SOO accurate... . This really gave me a huge a-ha moment.  Exactly what BPDw does before she comes back to reality.  If it wasn't for her son and needing me to help with him... . she would have hit the self-destruct button months ago I feel... . This was great... . thank you... .

No problem! Though it's really my BPD friend - who considers his help penance for the damage he's done to women in past relationships. I had never considered self-destruction as an option and it was eerily correct. Still, big shock to go from expecting the usual BPD relationship issues and getting hit with something perhaps much scarier!