Being around functional and healthy families when you have BPD parent(s)

[pastthemission]

First I just want to say ugh.  A friend of mine graduated from medical school yesterday and his parents and brother came.  His brother is physically disabled so they had to drive literally across country.  They are the nicest family ever and take his brother's physical needs in stride.  I love them to bits, but I keep finding myself getting really sad/jealous.  With my BPD mom everything is a struggle and she's complained about having to go to every event in my life.  I know my parents won't come to my PhD graduation because my dad's physically disabled and my mom is just ugh.  So it's amazing seeing someone's family be so supportive but it also reminds me of how unsupportive my family is. 

My mom actually sent me a facebook message a few days ago (the day before my dad got a CT scan to see if he is still in remission from cancer).  It was her usual trying to start a fight, telling me how she was always there for her children and how hard it is to have an ill spouse.  I guess seeing parents who are actually there for their children is that much harder.  In fact my friend's parents are really proud of me and my husband for our academic accomplishments whereas my mom (who has a high school diploma only) just says 'why is it taking so long' concerning my graduate degree.

I guess I had to just get that out in a forum with people who would understand how I'm feeling.  It's hard to explain it to the people around me because my husband and my friends don't come from situations like mine.  The last few days have just made me realize how much my mom's refusal to get treatment has ruined milestones in my life.   :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi pastthemission!  

I can really relate to what you're saying here. I find it very hard looking at 'normal' families and seeing the loving way they interact with each other. Sometimes it seems like it's in my face all the time when I go outside, constant reminders of what my childhood was not like. My mother has also ruined some great moments for me, constantly undermining my efforts but when I succeed in spite of her she takes credit for my success.

The good thing about seeing how normal families interact is that it shows you that there are other ways to deal with people and makes you realize that how things were in our childhood really wasn't normal at all. I had gotten so used to all the craziness that I didn't even see a lot of things anymore, certain behaviors bothered me but I wasn't even aware of how crazy those behaviors really were. Seeing and reading about healthy interactions has really opened my eyes.

[Claire]

Hi pastthemission,

I can also relate to your feelings of sadness and jealousy and longing when you see loving family relationships. It's just hard.

I like what Kwamina says about how the healthy families can help teach us about "normal" relationships.

And, I just want to say, your PhD is something to be proud of. It's a great accomplishment no matter whether your family acknowledges it or has supported you through it or even attempted to understand what you're doing. I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with. I'm just starting my PhD and my parents think it's pretty stupid.  It helps me to just focus on the good/healthy/positive relationships in my life. I hope you have plenty of people to celebrate with you and make you feel special when you graduate 

[pastthemission]

Thanks to both of you.  Having my eyes opened to how wrong my childhood was has been a very long process.  One of the ways I came out 'unscathed' and able to function on some level was by minimizing almost everything that happened to me or internalizing the reasons for it.  My therapist still have to tell me after two years of therapy that what I went through was severe abuse, but there's part of me that says 'well no, I didn't get physically abused (that often) and I was sexually abused so it wasn't that bad'.  Then I see normal loving families and it just hits me like a tidal wave.  But, I did get to go birding with my friend and his family and it was very very nice.  They even thanked me for helping them find some common birds around here. 

I definitely believe in surrounding myself with positive people.  Over the last few years I've ended some friendships that weren't healthy, specifically where boundaries weren't in place.  One of those friendships the person has tried to contact me in very odd ways, first sending me e-mails from her 4 year old daughter through her e-mail account (I asked her for space and she didn't respond and instead blocked me, my husband, and my sister on facebook) and more recently by "accidentally" using my debit card information to buy herself 50 bucks of takeout food.  I got it figured out with the bank and the take out place and she sent me a non-apology with a passive aggressive subject about how I didn't want to talk to her.  My dad is always asking me how I attract people like this and it's so frustrating because I attract them because I only just recently learned I can set boundaries with people and that no it isn't normal for people to act certain ways.

[Claire]

I only just recently learned I can set boundaries with people and that no it isn't normal for people to act certain ways.

Right with you on this one! Nice to know I'm not the only one learning these things later in life... .

[Weird Fishes]

Yes to everything in this thread.

The best part is when they ask what my parents do.  "My mom is an unemployed alcoholic and I don't know who my dad is."  There's a conversation stopper!

[Islandgrl]

Hi

I also know how you feel - boundaries were also an issue for me especially with boyfriends.  Also I understand what you mean that people don't get it.  I'm pregnant and people keep asking me what my parents say/ think and when they are coming to visit, etc.  I often gloss over the issue as I suppose I'm embarrassed but I am tempted to give a conversation stopping explanation like weird fishes - "my mother is a raving violent lunatic and my father is a pointless alcoholic who didn't say a single word to me last time he saw me even tho it had been 20 years".  But I dont! My mother also takes credit for my success, if I bring up how she behaved when I was a child, one of her things is to say she couldn't have done that bad a job as I turned out alright.  She has the gall to take credit for my academic success even tho I found out I got accepted to Uni when she came storming through to the living room having opened the acceptance letter (addressed to me) dragged me across the room and pinned me behind the door hitting me and screaming about how she wasn't "hiting paying for that" (my course was funded with no need for fees).

I'm so sorry you feel that your mothers behaviour has ruined milestones in your life - but you are now surrounding yourself with good positive people.  Also you have done really well in spite of her.  Very well done on your phd.  I hope it helps to come on here and speak with people who understand.   

[pastthemission]

It has definitely helped to come on here and talk to people.  I got another e-mail from my mom yesterday that was pretty innocuous but when I responded she was all "Agg, She spoke to me".  What is up with people thinking I'm not speaking to them?  I responded back and told her there was no reason for her to think that, but writing to me like that did make me less likely to speak to her.  It's kind of weird that my ex-friend and my mom are acting so similarly.

When I got accepted to college my mother flat out refused to give me the information I needed in order to apply for aid.  I finally got it from her when I told my dad how important it was and got him to go upstairs with me to their bedroom and basically take it from her.  I went to college when I was 16 and I was the one who had to do all of the applications for federal assistance and the family loans.  One year she 'forgot' to give me the paperwork which had been due almost a month before I finally found it.  Her comments the entire time were basically 'well I never got the chance to go to college, etc. etc.'.  I hate how the behavior of people with BPD makes me want to punch them.  It doesn't help either that I've been diagnosed with BPD (the diagnosis is a little up in the air though) and am working very very hard to change my relationship patterns, but I just keep coming up against the same childish behavior over and over again no matter how I respond.

[Islandgrl]

Hi pastthemission

Our moms sound a lot alike!  I'm also trying to change my behaviour too to be more positive and to change a whole host of bad habits.  I've never been diagnosed with BPD but I do worry that I have BPD traits at times because of being the "all bad child".  I'm having a baby at the moment (my first) so it terrified me that I would behave like my mother, so I came here and am going to do some intensive work on myself. 

Re what you said about mom and ex friend acting similarly - I suppose part of it could be that you are falling into a particular role around them.  I don't mean to say their behaviour is somehow your fault or your responsibility - it isn't at all.  But it's easy to fall back into a familiar role with family and close friends even without meaning too - I know the way I interact with my family (or used to, I haven't seen them for two years) frustrates my best friend as I do fulfil my part in the family dynamic. It's hard to change as BPD moms will be resistant to this but ultimately you can't change them - you can only change you.  It is frustrating to get the same response even when you have changed your behaviour but ultimately, I think you have to stick with it and let her be her.  I don't know if its a BPD thing but my mom is very stubborn, to the extent she's capable of change at all, it's only going to happen at a snails pace.  I know what you mean about punching tho, I get angry too that I let her wind me up when I would rather not care.  But I suppose I do care so I just need to deal with the anger and process it. 

[nomom4me]

In some ways I was lucky to grow up in a "progressive" (hippy) area with lots of children of divorce.  My dad was out of the picture by the time I started school, but I never felt weird about not having a dad.  My mom was very good at throwing parties and most moms would be in awe at "how she does it on her own" my sister was a second mother, and many of the early teen milestones were crossed with her, she took me to get my ears pierced and bought or made most of my clothes.  My sister isn't the most calm person, and is enmeshed with my mom - it's been more difficult for me to make and maintain boundaries with my sister because she kept the peace growing up and filled in the massive gaps my mother left.

As an adult I moved to a more conservative area and it was in my 20's when I met more "normal" families, it was just strange to me at first that both a mother and father would visit their adult child, stranger that my friends actually wanted me to meet their parents.  I didn't deal with the loss of my dad until my 20's (he died when I was young) and I am jealous of my friends who now have children of their own and actually look forward to their parents visiting - I have no idea how that feels.

As a kid everyone knew my families story, a few friends parents' allowed me to stay entire weekends and took me with them on vacations.  No one ever said anything negative about my mom, it was usually phrased as "she has so much on her plate" but I'm grateful that I had other single mothers looking out for me.  Especially when I was dating and met the boyfriends parents I dreaded the "what does your dad do?" question and pitiful looks that followed.  I have few friends who are close with their mothers but when I do hear about a fun day someone spent with their mom I am jealous.  Sometimes I can't even believe it, recently a friend was in a rather racy dance performance and invited her parents... . I can't begin to relate to having family who is that accepting.

[pastthemission]

Re what you said about mom and ex friend acting similarly - I suppose part of it could be that you are falling into a particular role around them.  I don't mean to say their behaviour is somehow your fault or your responsibility - it isn't at all.  But it's easy to fall back into a familiar role with family and close friends even without meaning too - I know the way I interact with my family (or used to, I haven't seen them for two years) frustrates my best friend as I do fulfil my part in the family dynamic. It's hard to change as BPD moms will be resistant to this but ultimately you can't change them - you can only change you.  It is frustrating to get the same response even when you have changed your behaviour but ultimately, I think you have to stick with it and let her be her.   

I think you're right about me falling into familiar roles because at some point that role helped me survive.  I can't change the way my mom acts, but that doesn't mean that I need to let her behave in inappropriate ways towards me without saying anything.  Unfortunately the rest of my family believes in being passive so she doesn't throw tantrums so it's just a frustrating situation all around.

[pastthemission]

In some ways I was lucky to grow up in a "progressive" (hippy) area with lots of children of divorce.  My dad was out of the picture by the time I started school, but I never felt weird about not having a dad.  My mom was very good at throwing parties and most moms would be in awe at "how she does it on her own" my sister was a second mother, and many of the early teen milestones were crossed with her, she took me to get my ears pierced and bought or made most of my clothes.  My sister isn't the most calm person, and is enmeshed with my mom - it's been more difficult for me to make and maintain boundaries with my sister because she kept the peace growing up and filled in the massive gaps my mother left.

This was how it was with my sister too.  But then she started acting like my mom and always telling me that I got more than she did when I was younger, etc. so our relationship kind of fell apart.

[kharma]

I can certainly relate to how you're feeling. I"m often a bit jealous of people who come from functional families--whether a one parent, or two parent household. Anything that is functional is better than the madhouse I grew up in.

My parents are a bit different, in that they will go to a graduation ceremony or any event dedicated to me, but later on will express their jealousy and envy towards my accomplishments. My mother would even loan me money for textbooks, but then provoke arguments and fights that would impede my path to furthering my education. It's like torture.

[Finding Courage]

For me, this is one of the hardest parts of having a uBPD mom.  I feel a lot of sadness that events that should be a positive situation are often colored by having to manage her behavior.  I had to have a whole action plan for how to manage her for my wedding.  And I limited contact with her when I had a baby.  I also graduated with a graduate degree and she made the whole day about her.  In fact, everything is always about her, no matter what.  Sometimes all of this makes me very angry and other times sad.  

[Calsun]

Dear PasttheMission,

I really connected with what you wrote.  I've spent most of my adult life struggling with relationships and professional goals and feeling like a failure because I was just not able to really get my life going, despite my gifts.  And I always compared myself with others negatively, those who had successful marriages and had children and jobs they felt proud of. And I have felt sadness about all of that.  And I was endlessly compared to other kids by my UBM when I was a child.  I hated that.  And so I always felt bad inside, lesser than other people, sort of like a child of a lesser god, like I was loved less because I was deserving of less love and had less value as a person.

I went to an event of young artist friend recently.  His whole family was there, parents, grandparents, supporting his art.  I got half support for my art from my family, for me it was marginalized into the role of a hobby, undermined, attacked, and was made fun of for what I created as a young person.  And I felt sad that I never had that love and support for what was precious to me, for what I loved to do.  My development of a gift that was every bit as precious as my young friend's was not nurtured in the same way, so that I was not able to go out into the world with the same confidence and joy.  Perhaps, that can change going forward.  I do understand your sadness.  

Calsun