She's coming home

[KsMum]

Got a text this afternoon, from my daughter, saying she's coming home "if that's ok". I messaged her back to say that we didn't ask her to leave in the first place, but now she's made the decision to come back I've realised that I'm not ready yet (. It's been so calm here & I was going to tidy her room to, but I haven't gotten around to it.

She's got an initial assessment on the 28th & I'm also a bit worried about that because last time she ran way she was ultra polite & considerate during the first few weeks back at home, so I'm thinking that might mask what she goes through normally & she might not get a diagnosis. Anyone know what the procedure is in the UK? This'll be her 1st psychiatry appointment.

I said I'd go with her if she wanted me to & she said ok, but I don't know if she was saying ok to the whole text I sent or just that bit.

Oh dear, I'm in a bit of a turmoil.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Dear KsMom,

I hear excitement mixed with apprehension in your post... . understandable.

What skills have you learned to help make this as smooth of a transition for everyone?

How can we help you get better prepared?

lbj

[vivekananda]

oh dear, how confusing it can all be. Turmoil is a good word... . a bit of fear, excitement, hope... . I hope it pans out well.

There are many tools to assess BPD. If that's what the T (therapist, in this case a psych) wants to see if she has or not, he can apply one of these tests. This is discussed on pg 43 of the National Clinical Guidelines for Managing BPD. This was published this month in Aust but it is still relevant to you because the information is international, you can download the pdf from the link below:

National Clinical Guidelines for Managing BPD (Aust)

As lbj asks, what tools will you use to help you through this time? What can we do to help you prepare yourself?

cheers,

Vivek    

[peaceandhope]

Ksmum,

I went through the same thing with my dd.

I did not know she had BPD. I thought it was pms  

I went through some cycles of she coming home and being nice initially and then once she settles down, I did not know when she would flipped out and I had to WOES.

At this point in my life, I do not want her ever come back to my home.

I hear the apprehension and fear in your message.  The question is: are you ready for it?

Peaceandhope

[KsMum]

I decided to prepare for her return by moving the dressing table out of her room (she's been wanting it moved for months). It took me the whole day because I had to tidy her room as well & move tons of stuff in my room.

At 7 I facebooked her to say I was moovign it & she replied "Ahhh cool!"

At 9 I facebooked her to say I'd lost my phone under stuff in my room, so if she was going to txt me, to use my old number. No reply.

At 11 I texted to ask if she was coming home tomorrow instead. No reply.

Now I'm sitting here wondering it she was expecting me togo & fetch her. But she hadn't told me what time. Ho hum.

[KsMum]

What skills have I learned? - I don't think I've learned any skills yet, sje's been gone for 3 weeks & it was after the first week that we started talking about the posibility of BPD. I've been scouring the internet ever since & actually, I think I *have* learnt something 1. I need to find a DBT therapist for her if she's diagnosed & if she doesn't get referred tp DBT & 2. I beed to try to validate her. I'm also going to have to try to temper her interactions with her Dad, he's still angry & wants to have a "talk" with her when she comes home.

What can you do to help me prepare? - I've no idea really  . Perhaps if you could magically fill my head with all the knowledge there is in the world about BPD as I sleep tonight

Let's see what tomorrow brings. She might have expected me to just turn u & bring her home, if that's the case I guess I'm going to have to get through her annoyance in me for not doing what she expected, without me knowing what time she wanted to come home before anything else. I dare say I'll have done something wrong in tidying her rool.

Still, onwards & upwards eh

[Being Mindful]

Hi KsMum,

To start your learning, I'd recommend starting with learning about value based boundaries. Then, define yours and be prepared to enforce them everytime. Right along with that is validation. Have you seen the links here on these topics?

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

So, my daytime is your night time and I have been busily singing a song for you hoping you could hear it in your dreams. It goes like this: in a catchy lilting tune:

What do we do with BPD?

Use boundaries and validate!

What do we learn with BPD?

Acceptance and detachment!

Anything else? yes!

Open your heart to the universe

and practise and plan.

Now I don't know that you heard it because there seemed to be some obstructions in the ether, so I thought I'd better write it out for you. Then I realised that it was not any good anyway, because it took me a year to write those lines... . it doesn't come easily.

Ksmum we're in a marathon, get your gear on and start training!

I recommend you get 3 books now and read them in whatever order you feel like: Valerie Porr "Overcoming BPD"; Lundbergs "I don't have to make everything all better" and "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend.

While you wait for the books to arrive here's a link to what Being Mindful wisely suggests:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Please, ask questions, let us know how we can help, ok?

Vivek      

[KsMum]

Thank you

Just being there helps at the moment.

She didn't come home yesterday in the end, but she's home now & it's all good ... . so far . (I just hope her & her Dad can get on well enough).

She loves how I reorganised her room so *that's* a relief! We'll be ok for a bit now, I'm sure, as she appears to have had time to re-charge her batteries. She's got two gigs on Sunday, so she'll probably be shattered on Monday. She's also having trouble sleeping tonight, is that common with BPD?

[KsMum]

PS - I just opened that link on boundaries & it looks far too interesting for me to be reading it a 20 to 3 in the moring, so I'll have a look tomorrow.

Thank you again

[vivekananda]

let me know what you think... . there's an excellent book people tell me, I have it on order.

Re sleeping, you were up at 2.40am? Were you keeping each other up? Maybe some good physical walking would help... . and a relaxation tape to go to bed with... .

cheers,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceandhope]

Ksmum,

Glad to hear that things went smoothly. Enjoy your precious moments with her.

Peace

[KsMum]

I sleep very odd hours, my prefered sleep pattern is bed between 2 and 4am & getting up between 10am & mid day. Sadly it's going to take me a while to get out of that routine because now I have to get up at 6.30 again to sort out my daughter's lunch & get her to the station by 7:45. Yesterday & came back from dropping her off & went back to bed LOL.

[vivekananda]

gee ksmum, I don't know how healthy that sleep pattern is. I'm glad you need to rise early to get dd moving. There is a good reason why birds wake at dawn and sleep when it's dark. Just 'cos we have 'lectricity, doesn't mean we need to use it 

I try to be abed by 10pm and rise about 7am (I need 9 hours sleep) - if I'm not keeping these sort of hours, I turn into a pumpkin 

Viv   

[KsMum]

For me it's a good healthy pattern, I get a good 8 hours sleep with the additional benefit of time on my own at the end of the day. I'm my husband's carer and that time on my own is very important to my sanity. Sadly, when I have to get up early it's a balancing act over what gives me more benefit, more sleep or my time on my own.

I don't get up early to get my daughter moving, it would increase her stress levels inordinately if I made any attempt at getting her moving , we hardly even talk, it's much safer that way. I get up early to drive her to the station so she can get to college as near to on time as possible. I used to try to gee her up if she was going to be late but that used to send her into a rage, so I just bite my tongue & wair.

[vivekananda]

I can understand that now, we do need time out to think quietly.

When our dd was just 12, we lived in another country for a year. Dh would get up and get her breakfast, check she was in prepared and then return to bed - we stayed well out of her way, she was just impossible. Me I wanted to call her behaviour into order, but dh and I couldn't get on the same page, so I gave in. I don't know how much I could have done anyway, but I wish I knew what I know now - I feel that together dh and I could have changed the situation with validation and boundaries.

And if I had understood the importance of acceptance and detachment and mindfulness and compassion when she was a baby, then I feel that the whole story would have been so different.

Good luck with those mornings Ksmum 

peace and sanity to you,

Vivek