Him having sex with others

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm trying to stay strong during this detachment 24 days of no contact. I'm able to get through the afternoons and evenings more than the early mornings, which are so empty and sad. The most painful aspect of this is that I can't stop thinking about him having sex with someone else. The intimacy. It kills me inside. The thoughts in my mind are graphic. I have suspicion who he is with but it could be someone else or multiple people. How do I stop this painful thought process? It's so cutting and paralyzing to me.

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm trying to stay strong during this detachment 24 days of no contact. I'm able to get through the afternoons and evenings more than the early mornings, which are so empty and sad. The most painful aspect of this is that I can't stop thinking about him having sex with someone else. The intimacy. It kills me inside. The thoughts in my mind are graphic. I have suspicion who he is with but it could be someone else or multiple people. How do I stop this painful thought process? It's so cutting and paralyzing to me.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I would just try to remind yourself that he's just doing that because he's empty and in a lot of pain inside too. It's validation that he exists, and it's also for attention. A lot of pwBPD use sex because that is all they have. They don't have a sense of self, so they use their survival skills (charm, manipulation) to seduce others to fill that gaping void they have inside. My ex was obsessed with me sexually. Partially because we were very compatible there, but also because it gave her a sense of importance, that she was needed and wanted. And I reciprocated those feelings big time. The one time I didn't when instead I chose loving, sweet intimate feelings after not seeing her for 2 weeks, it drove her to the other guy she was seeing for good. I chose to hold her, kiss her, stroke her hair and tell her how much I love her instead of giving into her pushing me on the bed and straddling me. I could sense she was mildly annoyed by that, but she mirrored me so well that she never really showed it- like I would do. I think about her with her new guy too... . but I also know that she only chose him because I forced her to, and that she is not as happy in that dept. as with me. Me and her had a sexual relationship 6 months before we even started dating. Her and the new guy have only been together 3 months. And I'm just guessing that now. I've stopped looking at her FB page after she FB creeped me a month ago and showed up at the same bar as me with him. Gave me validation that she had downgraded ( even the waitress there confirmed this with a glance), and she looked very unhappy, even though she claimed to be incredibly happy in an email 2 days later. Don't let the fact that he may be with another woman haunt you too much. She's not better than you. She's just filling a void.

[Rocknut]

I have the same fear. My ex dissapears, reappears for weeks at a time. He is a sex addict like many BPDs. When we started dating, he said "I would never cheat on you. That's my biggest fear." Then when he stopped going home after work, started dissapearing, I had graphic, horrible thoughts in my head. What if my boyfriend dissacoiated and got taken advantage of? What if he's raped?

Well, the last time we had intimate relations he mentioned cheating twice. The first night he said, "ahh you satisfied me tonight. you know sexual disatisfaction is the number 1 cause of cheating." I didn't know what to say. The next night we started getting intimate and he said, "be careful with it. I'll need to use it when im cheating on you."

who knows what he's doing. I nearly drove myself insane worrying about it. I'm on 2 different anti-depressants now.

[leftbehind]

I know it hurts, Siamese Rescue.  I had gotten confirmation that my ex is having sex with someone else last Monday.  It is his "between relationships" girl.  He had sex with her a bunch of times between when his last relationship ended and he and I got together.  Even though it hurts, this is his pattern, and he's repeating it.  Now that I know this, I'll never take him back if he ever does try.  

I'm sorry you're hurting.  But remember that the new people won't get any more from him than you did.  They will most likely just get used, and hurt.  

[Siamese Rescue]

How do people know if you look at their Facebook or not?

[BorderlineMagnet]

You can't tell unless you download a 3rd party app. But most of those don't really work. I could tell my ex did because I publicly checked in at a bar I was at, and she just happened to show up there 2 hours later. Not to mention she looked like she had been in a hurry to get there, and was very interested if I was dating a female friend I was there with (I wasn't).

[GreenMango]

I don't know how long you two were together but detachment is going to help its easier said than done though.  Not looking at his Facebook, opening up wounds, will help.  It's gonna take some discipline.  Starting somethings for you - number 4 on the lessons creative action.

Reframing thinking - thinking about the alternatives.  Imagine what a long term relationship with all the things make relationships more stressful if you don't have a good partner like kids, work, bills, etc. Then imagine your ex as is in that scenario.

Have you had a chance to read the lessons?

[whereisthezen]

SR,

A lot of us nons have had to face this fear and are all on different boards here.

Instead of trying not to think about this, is there a list or letter you could write yourself and read when the thoughts come. Forming new habits, validating your own fears and needs is important care for yourself to get through it. Meditation helps as well, recognize the thoughts will come and they will go away, watch them leave, watch tgem come, watch them leave again. The lessons here can help you focus on you more as understanding BPD can help give you back your own time and self when disengaging from the negative thoughts or unhealthy behaviors of others.

What can you do to reinforce your mind that fear isnt going to win and that you are confident your health and life is more important than dreadful thoughts? Journaling, I statements & nurturing yourself is helpful.

Really sorry for the pain, I know it well, you can overcome it! 

[whereisthezen]

Rocknut,

Sending you hugs! It's very good you're taking care of yourself given the circumstances, stick with it, self care will help you get through it. It will pass. Strength to you!

[slimmiller]

At the risk of sounding crass and crude here, their life is empty and hollow in so many ways. I have described mine to a friend and compared here inner worth as empty and hollow as a vagina. Its empty and she finds fulfillment in the quest of having it filled. Only at that moment or while she is being pursued to have it filled does she feel alive. Not trying to sound crude but that seems to validate them. (Sex and they look at it the way a wayward undisciplined animal may look at it) Maybe its that primal instinct that drugged us. I know it was the case for me.

We nons associate love with the above described act. They dont, at least not in the normal sense like we do.

So in that aspect, yes it tears me up to the core knowing that she is doing the exact same thing with 'him' that used to be special for us (or so I thought)  But on the other hand its just another hollow meaningless thing and she just changes the name and face with the person she is doing it with.

Another thought I have on the subject, men are always blamed for making decisions with their penis and I agree this may be the case but in my case she is definitely making decisions with her vagina  Up to and including using birth control. Somehow in the past birth control always made her sick when we were together... . go figure now she seems to be able to use it

Just remember, to them its real in a way but not as we view it. Their intimacy is not sincere its just a weapon in the real sense. Maybe sexually predatory.

We deserve and are capable of REAL

[mrclear]

The problem with all these ruminations is, that we are giving the Borderliner an identity. One they didn't have to begin with! The Borderliner has no sense of self, so in the idealization-stage, he/she steals yours. They become/mirror/project whatever you want them to be. The "soulmate" fantasy. They will do it with sex, adoration, service, money or whatever tools they have at their disposal. It's a way to hook you and become valued. The Borderliner idealizes untill their fear of abandonment and losing their incomplete self, kicks in.

You have "helped" them build another "false" identity that they don't really subscribe to and, in the long run, won't accept. Their own, flawed self will ultimately emerge and be projected on to you: Devaluation.

Now to your specific problem: We all hate thinking about the ex-BPD you adored, were intimate with and the person that we knew, being in bed with someone else. The problem is here: We never knew them. They don't even know themselves! You have to realize that the Borderliner is now mirroring someone else. He is not the same person you were with and won't be with the next, and the next, and the next. He won't be doing the same things he was doing with you and whatever the next person does, the Borderliner will never be filled, satisfied or happy.

Dissassociate them from who you "thought" they were. They are and were not that person. Take care of yourself now and make sure no one ever does this to you again. It's simply abuse and you deserve better... .

atb, mrclear

[KellyO]

You have "helped" them build another "false" identity that they don't really subscribe to and, in the long run, won't accept. Their own, flawed self will ultimately emerge and be projected on to you: Devaluation.

Well said, and something I just realized myself about something that happened in our relationship. Lemme explain if I can: In my country we become members of state church as babies, it is a habit. When you are adult, you can resign (is that right word?) yourself from said church. I have done that, so I'm not a "member of church" anymore. My ex was. When he heard about me not being a member of church, he said he did not understand why do people do that. I said I don't see myself as a christian person, and I don't want to pay taxes to church because I don't use their services. Few weeks after that he had resigned him from church too. He was very nasty to me at that point, and angry all the time.

Now I know why. He resigned himself from church because I had done so. I never gave him a slightest hint that he should do so, but in his head it obviously was clear that he had to do so because  I had done so. It is so ridicilous and absurd I only now can connect these things: him resigning form church and his behaviour towards me getting much worse (and it was not good to begin with). He did it to mirror me, but it build resentment in him and he couldn't hide it. What kind of person does that? Person with no identity and no self. Person so weak his very exictense depends in his ability to mirror people around him. For him this is love! I believe he really sees himself to be a victim of me and I sort of forced him to resign from church and whatnots. I would never even hint that someone should do as I do! My mind does not work like that.

[Peterpan]

Good point MrClear

I have all these same thoughts in my head... . he couldn't manage it with me (properly) which really hurts deeply... . does he keep HER there becasue he CAN with her?,is she the one getting all the things I never got?

The one who actually has his promises met?

The one he buys little gifts for?

Then I read up on here and decided, maybe she was for a short time,but very probably not now.

If she was that good, better than me, more loving, gave more, more whorish, more sweet and angelic,,submissive?whatever... . then why   keep coming back to me?

I asked him once, please don't tell me all this if you're saying these same things to others,,he said "I'm not saying the SAME things to anyone else actually!

One of the rare moments that I felt he was being honest... . but then another thought... . of course he isn't, he is giving the same impression to others, but using the words which THEY as individuals like to hear!

He felt justified because he doesn't actually use all the same words!

Mine actually started calling me his sweet angel for a few months, a minor thing I know... . but not for me,,it was a new thing, not my pet name... . and only lasted for a few months?

We can obsess with these thoughts,,beat ourselves up over them, think of nothing else all day long and not sleep at night.

They will be getting exactly the same as us in terms of cycles only, however she/he likes their sex,

Pedestal

Devalue

Discard!

Wash... . rinse... . and... . repeat!

None of them mean any more than the other to them... . they are ALL the' love of their life' when they are new and oblivious to the BPD's real empty self!

Then, once conquered,they are ALL an object, a posession, boring like an old side table, devalued... .

and then discarded at the point of not being useful to them anymore because you started to suss them out and question their behaviour.

This is what I keep telling myself over and over in my head, I have to, it kills me inside to think of him with someone else, and I actually heard them making out together, all the moans and groans!

Try to keep thinking this of any possible other woman... . in a few weeks YOU will be going crazy with his contradictions and lies and subtle put downs.

Don't ever compare yourself to any others... . thier looks, weight, hair colour, personality, financial status,,none of it matters one iota!

If it gives them attetnion... . they will chase it and do their best to secure it! But it is not any better than you!

Don't harbour the thought that he is actually 'making love' to anyone else,,he is NOT, he is simply securing some much valued attention for himself.

Take care xx

[leftbehind]

The problem with all these ruminations is, that we are giving the Borderliner an identity. One they didn't have to begin with! The Borderliner has no sense of self, so in the idealization-stage, he/she steals yours. They become/mirror/project whatever you want them to be. The "soulmate" fantasy. They will do it with sex, adoration, service, money or whatever tools they have at their disposal. It's a way to hook you and become valued. The Borderliner idealizes untill their fear of abandonment and losing their incomplete self, kicks in.

So true, Mr. Clear I need to keep reminding myself of this daily.

Pedestal

Devalue

Discard!

Wash... . rinse... . and... . repeat!

None of them mean any more than the other to them... . they are ALL the' love of their life' when they are new and oblivious to the BPD's real empty self!

Then, once conquered,they are ALL an object, a posession, boring like an old side table, devalued... .

and then discarded at the point of not being useful to them anymore because you started to suss them out and question their behaviour.

This is exactly the way it was in my relationship, Peterpan.  Good for 8 months, then at the very, very end when I started noticing things (he's not initiating sex anymore, he seems distant, he's not affectionate anymore, he's detached)  he pulled the plug and ran.

[Billa]

The problem is here: We never knew them. They don't even know themselves! You have to realize that the Borderliner is now mirroring someone else. He is not the same person you were with and won't be with the next, and the next, and the next. He won't be doing the same things he was doing with you and whatever the next person does, the Borderliner will never be filled, satisfied or happy.

Dissassociate them from who you "thought" they were. They are and were not that person.

atb, mrclear

it's really difficult to assume, but, nevertheless, true.

I'm struggling to accept it, that's more, at the moment I can't.

[tailspin]

SR  

This tore me apart for the longest time... . but I eventually realized sex for those suffering from BPD is more of an object/fulfillment fantasy... . and I want intimacy and love.  Sex (for my ex) was a way to subject me to control and an opportunity to use me as an object to fulfill his need to dominate.  Sex was an opportunity for him to feel something as opposed to the nothingness he otherwise felt.

It was at this point that I decided... . I don't want him anymore.  And when you don't want someone anymore it really doesn't matter who they are with.

tailspin

[VeryFree]

She hurt me. During our r/s, but also now on our way to a divorce. She hurt me really bad.

Although I still can't understand why (sure BPD, but I'm not totally ready to accept that as a fact of life), I know it happened. I also know she will never apologize for her behaviour and take a different approach.

Therefore I know we will never be together again.

Therefore I couldn't care less about her having sex with somebody else.

When I'm ready I probably find somebody to be intimate with again. Knowing (hoping?) that, why would I care about her having sex?

[Bananas]

Now to your specific problem: We all hate thinking about the ex-BPD you adored, were intimate with and the person that we knew, being in bed with someone else. The problem is here: We never knew them. They don't even know themselves! You have to realize that the Borderliner is now mirroring someone else. He is not the same person you were with and won't be with the next, and the next, and the next. He won't be doing the same things he was doing with you and whatever the next person does, the Borderliner will never be filled, satisfied or happy.

Dissassociate them from who you "thought" they were. They are and were not that person. Take care of yourself now and make sure no one ever does this to you again. It's simply abuse and you deserve better... .

atb, mrclear

Perfectly said.  This has been the hardest thing for me as I know my ex has a new gf. 

However, I work with my ex so I have the opportunity to observe him without interacting with him.  He is mirroring his new gf and has become someone I don't even recognize.  He acts different and even looks different.  In the rare moment it is just the two of us in the hall he looks so vacant and empty.  Saying a polite hello to him as we pass one another feels the same as saying hello to a stranger I pass on the street.  There is nothing there.  We were so intimate and talked every single day for almost three years, yet I find myself asking myself, who is this person?  So wierd!   

[leftbehind]

Bananas, this is how my ex was at the very end (maybe the last three weeks?  he admitted that he had been thinking about breaking up with me for three weeks before he did it).  I felt like he was already starting to mirror someone else, and he started to feel a little bit like a stranger.  Not totally, because we were still together so he was still mirroring me in part.  A big clue was him radically changing his diet.  At one point I even said to him, "Getting ready to date again?"  because my intuition was screaming at me.  He just giggled.

At the end when I confronted him after he broke it off, he truly was a stranger.  Acted as if we had never been more than the most casual of aquaintances.

[expos]

Siamese Rescue i went through the same things when my ex-wife said she was "seeing someone" a mere three months after our divorce.  I felt like I wanted to vomit and I immediately went into panic attacks and depression.  It really ___ed me up, BAD.  It was so hurtful because my wife and I had a lot of intimacy/sex issues due to her low libido and depression in our relationship and rarely had sex, so the fact that she could be possibly sexual with someone so quickly, and not give herself to her own husband who REALLY loved her, was just soul-crushing.   Who really knows the extent of her relationship, they could have just been dating and never really got intimate, but it's what goes on in YOUR HEAD that kills you.   To this day, I have no idea if she's with someone or not... . sometimes, I think she was just lying to hurt me... . because it seemed so calculated.

I really do feel your pain however... . it is constant, sharp, and can ruin you.

My advice to you is just to ignore ignore ignore.  Don't even try to contact him.  As a woman, you have it much easier in the dating game when it comes down to locking down a mate, so get yourself out there and start dating even if you really don't feel like it.  This is part of YOUR recovery.  If you are not ready for intimacy, that's perfectly fine, just go out and have a good time and occupy yourself with other guys.

When you resume dating, it is very awkward, you feel completely "off", and your date will not excite you in any way.  It's really hard to describe.  My first kiss post divorce lacked a lot of spark, and you'll wonder what is wrong with you, but just give it some time and you'll come around.

Don't worry about your ex, he'll end up destroying his next relationship due to his awful behavior anyways, count on it.

[benny2]

Yes sex is a tool that my exBPDbf uses to attach. In fact, it has gotten to the point where that is all we have left. I feel used and alone. I can no longer do this.

[recoil]

This is what helped me:

I've had a number of relationships since 17 (I'm 42).  Four of them lasted over two years (one lasted 14); many more did not.  Every single one of them, with the exception of my late wife, moved on after we broke up.  I broke up with some of them; some of them broke up with me.

Many of them are FB friends.  They are all married, they are all Mothers.  So, every single ex I've ever had has moved on; as did I.

None of that bothers me now (it did at the time of break-up, naturally).  That's normal.  Now, I wish every single one of them the best life has to offer.  They all seem to be in good places and that warms my heart.

Why would my experience with my uBPDexgf be any different?  Long term, it won't be.  Time heals us.  It has every time before and it will again.  It might take longer because of the circumstances -- but it will happen.

Four months ago, I was a mess.  I am much better today.  Am I 100% detached?  No.  But I get closer to it with every passing week (and we work in the same building; so it's tougher than a normal break-up and under the circumstances).