The Double Sided Coin

[bb12]

So I have reached a remarkable stage in my recovery where I just don't care.

And this is a stunning and liberating phase. The pain has been worth it and I live life with a clarity I have never known. But as I question that clarity ( questioning has been my default mode for so long) is it a new level of consciousness or does it just feel new because I am out from under the BPD cloud?

My answer is that it is indeed a new level of clarity and not a post Stockholm clarity, for both the mind and body are still, and I am not sure I have ever experienced both before... . at least never at the same time!

The pervading questions then are these: are we the exact opposite side of the same coin?

And were we only susceptible to their guiles because of this proximity?

If a pwBPD was damaged in infancy and needed to create a false self to survive it,  could our own damage have been so severe as to only attract False Selves as we sensed their damage and were programmed to fix it? Identical twins, one left handed one right- handed. Their pain internalised and ours externalised... . a different reaction to the same level of trauma... . as codependents seek to build esteem from external sources.

I look back on this relationship and feel I was building up to it. Obsessions with people were becoming more severe as I got older... . even as I ended these r/ships with the last remnants of my healthy boundary function. I just couldn't let go. Stuck in Lonely Child and ill equipped to handle the burden of singledom... . of a level of introspection so demanding of my time and attention.

So as I head toward ambivalence about my ex... . as I approach a level of not caring that he seemed to get to in 24 hours instead of 24 months... . were the keys to freedom in the aknowledgement of the severity of my own problems? For when this acceptance happens and another possible reality opens up, forgiveness arrives... . and finally, the question:

Is any of this even about them?

Bb12

[Maryiscontrary]

These are such insightful remarks. I am uncertain how to advise, because I am going through these periodic waves of rage myself these last few weeks. I have this clarity of which you describe, and it is broken up in these waves of intense rage. I have a bunch of piggybacked recent traumas, and it seems that each piece of crap is waiting in que to be processed. Digest one, and another hits like a nuclear bomb.

Maybe you have processed your que of crap. what do you think?

[catsprt]

It can be a long process that some compare to peeling of an onion and it seems very human to be seeking support when experiencing rough spots. It takes two to tango, a threesome is one too many. Like the thread .

[catsprt]

I realize that my reply might be cryptic. It is unintentional, I heard too many stories during my youth to be doing the same.

[Cumulus]

BB, this is very thought provoking. My sense is you're right. I liked the way you expressed it when you said, their pain internalized, ours externalized. Waiting for each other. It would also explain why we feel such caring love and compassion towards them when our friends can see them more plainly and are asking us what do you see in them?

So is any of this about them? I see it as a continuum. In the beginning it is all about them, at the end it is all about us and in between it gets mixed up between the two. I say this because in the beginning it is most often the behaviour of the BPD that causes a rift so wide or pain so unbearable that the relationship is destroyed. A relationship that is usually built on the flimsiest of materials. A relationship that is usually one sided and controlled and manipulated by the pwBPD. At the end, because we have realized that we have only our own behaviour and life to be accountable to, it then becomes all about us. I don't think it is a straight road between the two points but one that takes a lot of turns and sometimes dead ends. I believe that is what makes the difference. Either we travel the road and get to that place where it is all about us or we set ourselves up to recreate the story all over again. Thank you for sharing.

[livednlearned]

I read something once about abusers and the abused.

Abusers had no sympathetic witnesses growing up, while the abusee had at least one. A sympathetic witness does not need to be a person, necessarily. As I got into my BPD relationships, I think I wanted to be their sympathetic witnesses, except that weren't really looking for one. At least mine didn't.

Not sure exactly how that squares with what you're saying, but to me, it says that being abused is only a hair better than being the abuser, at least in terms of the conditions that primed us for our respective dynamics. I don't know about being opposite sides of the same coin. That just makes me feel bad thinking about it that way.

My own answer, though, about whether this is even about them: no.

[bb12]

Great replies Cumulus / LiveandLearned

Loved the sympathetic witness theory. One of the most confusing things I experienced with my exBPD was his awful treatment of me, followed by over-the-top remorse... . but only because someone else saw him do it. He did many worse things that went unrepented - purely because no-one else saw him to them and told him it was wrong. They really need other people to chide them and would not naturally come to remorse.

I liked your observation about the trajectory of our journeys Cumulus. Unless it becomes all about us, I suspect you are right - and we are doomed to repeat the lesson.

I just feel so relieved to be emotionally detached from it all now. At last. Never thought I would get to this place. And from this vantage point I feel as though i can see how life works - perhaps for the first time.

I can still have moments of disbelief... . that his abuse happened... . that someone can genuinely lack empathy and paint someone they loved completely black overnight... . but I don't get stuck when that disbelief happens now. I shake my head and let it go. I don't attach to it.

The coping skills we learn from this abuse really are incredible



bb12