In the middle of RTC treatment, no longer questioning but embracing it w d13

[Cici]

 

It was suggested I start a new thread to better represent where we are now.  I had such inner turmoil about placing my d13 in an RTC in Utah.  It was not what I expected and I had no control.  I hated it.  That was 3 months ago TODAY!  She is upstairs taking a nap in her own bed home on a week long visit.  I marvel at how she is at peace with herself.  She doesn't push back, argue or negotiate about the smallest thing.  I didn't even realize how much she did argue with me.  Because our arguments weren't yelling volatile disagreements, I would've told you she didn't argue with me. But she also never just agreed to do what I asked.  Now, I am shocked   how often I've heard the words, "ok mom".  Compromise happens on the first try... . i.e. she wanted to bring her I pad upstairs to play a game on it, (no internet connection).  The RTC rules stated to limit screen time at home, I told her I thought she had a lot of screen time and if she needed a nap she shouldn't take it upstairs.  She didn't try to negotiate, she just said ok and put it down.  I am in awe. 

I have never been so happy to be wrong. I was convinced this treatment was going to do more harm than good because her behaviors weren't as extreme or as difficult as many of her peers in the program.  It was definitely not what I had thought it was going to be.  But it doesn't matter, it has changed her.  It's only day 2 at home and less than 24 hours has passed, so I am careful to be realistic.  But I'll take what I've got at the moment.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Wonderful to hear CiCi!

If she starts to "push limits" (a Falcon Ridge term) it will be good to ask her if that is what she is doing.

What other skills has she learned that you can remind her to use if difficulties arise?

Here are a few that my d came home with:

Take self time (go to self)

Breathe deeply

Get in wisemind

Use negotiating skills

Express your feelings and what needs those feelings represent

Set healthy boundaries for self

Most of the time these skill reminders were expressed in the form of a validating question. IE:  I can see that you are upset, do you need to take some self time?  I can hear the excitement (or anxiety) in your voice, can you breathe deeply?  Instead of arguing about this I am going to first be sure I am in my wisemind, are you in your wisemind? Can you sit down with us and negotiate about this request, I can see it is important to you?

I can see that you are upset, can you express your feelings in words and let us know what your needs are based on these feelings?  We are concerned about the uncertainty of this environment/person/situation/relationship, what boundaries have you set to protect yourself?

Keep in mind that your d has skills to call upon and can be interacted with accordingly.  In some ways she is different now.  This gives you the opportunity to respond differently as well... . to reinforce this improved version of herself!  



lbj

[griz]

cici:  That sounds wonderful.  I hope you have a GREAT week together.

Griz

[Rapt Reader]

CiCi... . I'm so glad to see that your daughter is doing so well so far    After all the angst you had letting her stay at the RTC, this must be such a relief for you, and validation of your difficult decision to let her stay there against your reservations. Yaaaay!    I truly hope her week home continues to help her grow in her new "identity" and help you to trust that the professionals at the RTC are on the right track. I'm sure your story from the beginning of your experience up to just this minute is helping many parents 

lbjnltx... . Thank you so very much for the information you posted above; since my adult (36) dBPDs returned home from a Dual Diagnosis program on April 4th (where he was first diagnosed with BPD), I've been glued to this website and in reading your story about your daughter, I learned about Neurofeedback T. He's been going since April 18th--starting at every other day for 2 weeks, and then 4-5 times per week (sometimes 5 days in a row!) ever since. Along with his meds (for ADD, Clinical Depression, Social Anxiety & Hyperactive Thyroid--all diagnosed many years ago, prior to the stay at the DD program), his Outpatient T (for past Substance Abuse issues), and his Psychiatrist sessions, the Neurofeedback T seems to be making the difference this time in his recovery (he'd been in and out of "normal" rehab twice in the last 3 years).

I just wanted to let you know that he is practicing the techniques you mentioned above, in order to help himself deal with life and his family members. I'd noticed the changes in how he was handling things since we brought him home on April 4th, but didn't really have words to explain it. Your checklist above put the light bulb over my head, and will help me to help him if he ever "forgets" to use a technique... . Giving us the right language to use to remind our loved ones with BPD how to get back on track is priceless. Thank you so much for your expertise in navigating these difficult waters. 

[jellibeans]

good news cici... . keep us posted... .

[Cici]

Just a quick note all going well with dd visit.  I bring her back to Falcon Ridge on Tuesday and we expect her to graduate sometime in June.  Structure and sleep are paramount to keep her level but she recognizes that and is totally cooperative to maintaining an 8:30-9pm bedtime.  My challenge will be not to get complacent with her routine an schedule once she comes home. Planning now for her IEP meeting and specific accommodations she will need to start 9th grade in addition to therapy services we are putting into place.  Keeping vigilient and grateful for such a positive home visit so far.

[lbjnltx]

Great news CiCi!  Enjoy your visit.

June graduation... . that is fast!

Do you believe she has learned and solidified all the skills she will need to succeed at home?

[Cici]

 

dd's visit home has gone as well as anyone could possibly ask.  She has spent one on one time with each family member has been open and honest about her experience at Falcon Ridge and even thanked me for sending her there.  I broke down into to tears of relief when she said that.  When asked what was the best thing about Falcon she said the way the staff treated the students, that they really cared about you.  She was very surprised about what some of her peers will do when involved with drugs, how to get them etc... . some of those stories really shocked her.  She's not "street" savvy and she is a very youthful 13 y/o.  I hope those stories and realizing the destruction drugs cause to a person's life, body and soul will help her make good choices in the future when she's faced with drug and alcohol use in High School.

She had a very emotional and difficult conversation with her dad about getting a cat, he said no.  She persisted for over an hour, it's rare for her Dad to say no to things.  She really thought she could convince him and got frustrated, cried, negotiated.  But he held his ground and said no.  She was able to handle that disappointment and that emotion without wanting to hurt herself in anyway.  I stood by and bit my tongue not wanting to intercede between them but being very wary of how emotional she was getting. I finally had to intercede and stop the conversation when he wasn't able to.  It was just going around and around.  She went to her room for a few minutes, calmed down and we talked about how that conversation went.  She agreed she got too emotional over being told no but also recognized she handled her emotions well.  (Not wanting to cut)  I asked her if she felt triggered or had any urges and she comfortably said no, not at all.  I'm well aware we have a long road to go.  Even though this visit has gone so well, I know there is more work to be done.  We have an in home therapist she was able to meet and seems to really like and I am hoping the state (whom is providing the service) will authorize a few more weeks with her to help us as we transition d13 back into the house.  

We are hoping to have a conference call with her T before we leave for the airport.  dd wants to stay home until her graduation later this month. Her Dad has said if T agrees he would agree.  Apparently another peer went home for a visit and then stayed home for several weeks and came back for graduation.  We have services that can be started here within the week so I am comfortable with her staying home.  She deserves to graduate and I think it's important that happens, so if she stays home we will travel back for that.

Her Dad (stbx) has decided not to give me any money this week although I am travelling with dd back to Falcon.  My credit cards are maxed due to all the travel expenses so I don't know how he expects me to rent cars, hotels meals etc.  If T wants her to come back to FRR I won't fight it, but then sbtx has to give me some cash for travel expenses. He also hasn't paid any tuition since she has been there and T is aware of that, so I don't know how or if that will influence her decision today.  

lbjntx:

I think she has learned the skills, we will need to work hard to solidify them over the summer and I need to understand exactly what those skills are.  With DBT the skills are clearly defined, I wish they used DBT at the Ranch, they don't currently.  She is able to take self time when she needs to and that seems to be the most used skill for her at the moment.  I'm learning not to solve or fix her problems and not just talk but LISTEN to her.  I'm looking forward to having counseling sessions with her, we've gotten so much closer and I see her through a different set of eyes.  I recognize now that many of her behaviors were truly anxieties not just being difficult.

Well that all for now, I'll post later today or tomorrow regarding whether or not she stays home or we travel back to Utah.

Thanks for all the concern and support.  These boards are such a blessing.

 

[lbjnltx]

Sounds like a really good first home visit CiCi!  So very happy for your family.

When your d gets back to FRR will she petition the staff and her the peers in her group for a move to the transitions unit?

Good job handling the circular argument situation between your stbxh and d13!

A phrase that everyone can recognize and respect:  "Let's table this for a while"... . another way of saying "let's all take a time out from this discussion, calm down, self soothe, and get in our wisemind and come back together using our skills to work it out to everyone's satisfaction/understanding".

Although the ranch doesn't teach DBT they do teach DBT skills.  Those skills are called by different names than the ones commonly used in formal DBT.  The terms the ranch uses are more loosely tied to mindfulness terminology... .

Has your d13 learned about "wisemind"?  This is important for her to understand and for all the members of the family to grasp as well.  Is her T calling it something else?  Try to get all the terminology down so that you can "speak her therapeutic language"!

It is highly highly important that the family practice the same skills that they expect others in the family to practice... . yes?

How is PPC going for your d now?  Has she had her first meeting? 

The financial component to all this is a very frustrating reality.  As if dealing with a beloved child with disorders is not enough  

Doing the best we can with what we have to work with.  That's all you can do. 

Is the financial component a heavy piece that is determining when she leaves the program?  It wasn't the heaviest piece in my d's circumstance, and it did play a role.  That is the reality of life.

Can the clinical director have a "chat" with your stbx and let him know that your d needs to do more work so she needs him to financially support her stay at the ranch?

I'm sure you have had that discussion with him... . don't imagine it went very well.

[Cici]

We are on our way to Utah and back to Falcon Ridge.  T felt that dd needed to finish her work there and stbx realized I couldn't travel without money for expenses.  We expect she will be graduating this month, their is family weekend Coming up, don't know how I'll pay for that travel expense yet but something will pull through.  If all goes well upon her return I expect she would graduate then or shortly thereafter. 

The next step at the ranch is for her to go on trans, right now they have suspended trans group as 2 of the 3 or 4 group that are currently there were having a lot of problems and they suspended trans to get everyone back on track according to dd.  She will have to investigate that and petition for it.  She has taken at least one PPC meeting, she still feels like she is being bullied at times but is embracing the ppc process.  I was told by her case manager Karen that when I drop her tomorrow a.m. that her T wanted to meet with me, wasn't expecting this, probably a recap of the visit and next steps etc. 

I'll be glad to get home tomorrow night... . I'm a bit travel weary now. East Coast to Utah 3 times in less than 3 weeks... . I'm toast and tired... . but happy. 

 

[jellibeans]

I am happy things continue to go well for you and your dd... . very good news from you... . take some time to recover and rest a bit. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[angeldust1]

Oh Cici,

I am thrilled for you.  How I wish I could say the same thing about my pwBPD39.  It seems you have caught it early enough to make a difference... . a huge difference. I only wish I'd had the insight or the knowledge you had at that age with my pwBPD39.  I don't even think this knowledge was available back then.  His father was Bipolar and that was enough to contend with,  in and of itself.  I couldn't see my child hurting.   Hooray for you ... . so this can be helped with enough insight and early on.  I know you must be relieved and proud of her.  I know I would be.

Good luck in the  continuance of her progress... . a job well done... . by you!

Sending good wishes your way.

Angeld

[Cici]

Quick Update,  D13 and I travelled back to Falcon Ridge Ranch last week.  We have a conference call tomorrow with myself her dad, her T, and her "wrap around team" which for this meeting will be a LCSW that will assist me in resourcing services and a family support person (another mom) whom has gone through a similiar process.  This is part of our state behavioral health system that I am so happy I was able to tap into.  So we are getting support and coordination of care at every level.  I think things are really really good.  I'm going to ride this wave.

[jellibeans]

hey I cleared my messages... . such good news... . good to get the support and help... . sounds all good. So happy for you and your dd.

[mggt]

Dear CICI,  So good to hear things are going well keeping you in my thughts  

[Cici]

Quick Update:

DD is coming home! She graduates on the 14th from Falcon and I couldn't be happier.   The challenge now is to maintain a highly structured environment at home.  So I am signing her up to volunteer at a local Equine Therapy program and she will most likely step down to an IOP program a couple days a week as well.  Lots to do  now for me in the next week but I am optimistic and have better resources in place now.  Feeling blessed and grateful.  So happy to have been so wrong about the RTC placement.

Wishing everyone well.

[lbjnltx]

Dear CiCi,

I'm sure you are busy making arrangements to attend your d's graduation/family weekend at FRR.  Also busy making sure you have all the support your d needs when she comes home.

Be sure to take lots of tissues into the graduation ceremony... . you are gonna need 'em! 

Safe travels to you all!



lbjnltx

[Cici]

Home now with d13, it is just plain good to have her here.   We left Falcon Ridge Ranch on Friday about 3 mST, took a detour in Denver got to visit with an dear friend unexpectandtly and landed home at the Jersey Shore about 630 am Monday EST.  She (d13) is doing really well.  She is vocalizing appropriately, i.e."mom, you are using a lot of words to express what you mean,". IEP meeting with the school on thursday and IOP meeting on Monday.  The biggest difference is the ability to compromise.  She is the first to offer a solution and a compromise that is in the middle of the road most of the time and when the answer is just no, she is accepting no, after she feels HEARD. 

Just our nirvana moment in the journey... . more to come I'm sure. I won't take away from her the work she has done or what the RTC has given her though. No matter what the future brings, she has created and worked for her place in this moment of peace she has.  Thank you God.

[mggt]

Dear cici, So happy your d is home and all is peaceful I will continue to pray for peace for you and yours so happy for you yay... .