What to do with r/s's that are triggers for BPD

[lizzie458]

dBPDh's biggest trigger right now is the fact that my r/s with his parents sucks.  We are all nice to each other in person, but there's nothing of substance there - and that's because I know they talk crap about me with each other and to H... . and they are so enmeshed with H and his other siblings that our marriage is in danger because he aligns with them against me whenever he gets the chance (he frequently assumes that my healthy boundaries are a personal dig to his parents), also they never mean what they say or say what they mean so it's exhausting trying to have a r/s with them.  I really don't feel like trying to have anything beyond a cordial acquaintenceship.  For a while I thought maybe I had the wrong idea about them since most of my info came through H who has severely distorted perceptions, but I am finding out that they are pretty much who I thought they were:  judgy, two-faced, enmeshed, triangulating, narcissistic, codependent people.  H has bad-mouthed me quite a bit to them because he never individuated, so they're still his only confidantes    T suggested we all go to lunch and H apologize to them for painting a negative picture of me, and reinforce that we are a team and he will not be talking to them about our marriage anymore.  I'm all for "faking it till you make it" (since H is light years from actually wanting to cut the umbilical cord), but I doubt H will actually be able to keep that up for long, if at all.

What would you do in this scenario?  I don't see NC or even LC with them as an option here because 1) they're IL's and 2) H is making himself sick over this - he threatened divorce over it.  I don't want to be controlled by his rages (he accuses me of trying to control them whenever I institute a boundary), but I have the sinking feeling I'm going to have to "cowgirl up" and at least play nice since I chose to marry into this horde of crazies :-/ 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[jedicloak]

Couple acronyms at the end I don't know... . but either way... . yes, I understand exactly where you are coming from.

My .02 is this... . the only realistic way of managing this is maintaining your boundaries with the parents as they are. Your boundaries are working because they are reasonable - they will keep you safe. Your H has issues as does his family - if and when the pain of doing things the way he is doing them gets too strong, he'll do something different - that's it. The parent's are not likely to ever change. Your H *may* possibly if his pain goes too high. If he continues to get triggered about r/s issues, your best friend is the boundaries you erect to deal with that.

This isn't a pretty scenario, but this is my experience. Best to you.