Finally made up my mind...

[BorderlineMagnet]

So I've been going back and forth between radical forgiveness and revenge on my current ex gf w/BPD. And I'm choosing revenge. I can detach once I've caused her as much pain as she has caused me. After 2 ex's w/BPD enough is enough. Now don't worry, it will not be physical revenge, but emotional. It's all contingent on her making contact with me at some point, but if she doesn't I'll bait her into it by getting into a relationship real quick. I'm sure that'll interest her. At that point my plan is simple. If you're a fan of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you may have heard of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System. I'm going to D.E.N.N.I.S. her and when I get to the "S" I will eviscerate her with my words and leave her totally abandoned. I'm sure this will crush her, being entirely alone- their worst fear. Yeah I'm sure they feel constant pain and fear from their disorder, but this will be pain I caused, just as SHE caused ME pain. I know this is not a popular choice, but I'm tired of seeing these people leave nothing but destruction in their wake. Once this is done I think I will have some of what she took from me back, and then I can move on. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

[mrclear]

Dear Borderlinemagnet,

I understand where you're coming from. It's the injustice of it. The Borderline just seemingly moves on without remorse, empathy or closure, while we suffer in the wake, mortally wounded, processing and desperately seeking answers. It is only rational for us that we want the Borderliner to be held accountable for what they've done.

Don't think that the Borderliner is not suffering. Their disorder tortures them everyday of their lives. People who suffer from BPD suffer. Imagine a life filled with constant doubt, chronic emptiness and a never-ending fear of abandonment. Living in constant fear that you yourself and your loved ones may discover your true self to which you yourself have no access. Pushing them away when they get too close and pulling them close when they distance themselves. To loath yourself for who you are, to never trust the truth and to never enjoy love with the peace and serenity it deserves. 

Eventhough I understand your motives, revenge won't work here. After all your planned antics, the Borderliner will simply twist and project everything back on to you. You'll be black again and back to square one. The Borderliner will again move on like nothing ever happened.

In the meantime you will be giving them excactly what they want: attachment and value. Stability in their instability.

Reflect on what you really want to achieve with this. Love and hate are similar emotions. They both force us to feel. You are unwittingly keeping yourself attached to your object by projecting these emotions onto them. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. This is the worst thing you can do to a Borderliner: Don't care, move on and be happy. Don't contact them, ever again!

An eye for an eye leaves both people blind and you deserve better.

atb, mrclear

[BorderlineMagnet]

I never said they don't suffer, and I will not be projected back on. I've been with 2 of them in a row, so I'm not in the dark about BPD, ok buddy? I will be in control this time knowing what I know, and I will crush her. It's just I will be the one to make her suffer, which for me will be justice. I will make her fear of abandonment come very true, and my words will cut her deeply. I'm a nice guy, but I have a very good way of cutting others down with words, and her being not as intelligent, she will have little to no defense. And the "I" before the "S" of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System will guarantee me some great sex that will leave her totally off guard for the verbal assault I will lay down on her. Lol, I don't care about being black after this. I hope I'm pitch black, and that I'm the biggest villain in her little tales of woe for years to come. At least THAT story will be true, but I bet she'll leave out the parts that got her there. And actually it will leave me with one reeeeally good eye that can look upon her and see her suffer, then look towards my future finally

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Hey Magnet-

Just gotta say, I know how you feel, man. You seem to be pretty angry about her behavior. That's totally understandable. I believe that almost every single one of the thousands of people that have come on bpdfamily.com has been angry. We have been treated badly and it has hurt us immensely. All these people on bpdfamily.com have been overcome with all kinds of reactions to this bad treatment. Like me- I went through a lot of grief, sadness, disbelief, anger, and more. Even fantasizing about revenge. I know a lot of people here do that too. This is a common response to the things we have been through. I think most people here will understand how you are feeling.

Now one more thing. I know that you are ultimately going to do what you want. That's your choice and your business. Just food for thought- What you are thinking about doing seems to me like you are just copying her. Acting like the person who has done what is unacceptable  to you. Like I said earlier, I understand your feelings here, but just think this through a little. Manipulating 2 other people (your ex and another person you get into a relationship with just for this purpose), for the express purpose of causing pain. You said you're a nice guy and I believe it. I'm nice too. And lots of us nice people have times when we think that revenge would make us feel better. Usually us nice people also are intelligent, and we get through those times without compromising our integrity.

Magnet, you're a good guy. Things will get better. Hope you can be strong enough to rise above this without the crutch of revenge. Best of luck to you whatever you do.

RWO

[mrclear]

Hi Borderlinemagnet,

I didn't mean that you were ignorant about BPD. If my post implied that, I apologize. We've all had our experiences and my own also involves 2 BPD r/s. The last one being 15 years of marriage. I think all of us pretty much know what we're talking about here   .

If my post sounded condescending or patronizing, it was not my intention. It's just my own, personal view on your situation and you are free to process that information on your own terms. I think we're all just trying to share our experiences and knowledge and are trying to help as best as we can... . I believe that's what these boards are about. Sharing, helping, processing, healing, moving on.

If this is your path, then I wish you well. Let us know how it worked out for you... .

atb, mrclear

[lifesentence]

I wish I could feel angry enough to want revenge. All I feel right now is guilt, shame and a sense of responsibility to my BPD wife even despite all the trauma she's put me through.

Just need to stop being such an extreme caretaker and start looking after myself for a change.

[WalrusGumboot]

I was going to join the chorus of those not recommending the revenge route, but then I remembered an old girlfriend. I was totally crazy over her, but she really didn't know what she wanted out of life, so she had no problem dragging my heart through mud when she wanted. In the end, she broke up with me for another guy. I was very angry at just how easy it was for her. I moved away to another city to take a job, and six months later she calls, admitting her mistake, and wanting to get back together. She flies out for a weekend and we have a wonderful time. I loved being in so much control and she groveled to win back my devotion, and I led her on like she was. Before her return flight home, I let her have it and that I had no intention of getting back together, and it was payback time for the pain she put me through. I have to admit, it was strangely satisfying. I also have to admit, it DID help me shut that door forever.

I think you feel you need this, and you are probably right. Good luck.

[Sleuth]

The best form of revenge is living well.

[Clearmind]

... . and what if she then kills herself?

[almost789]

I can honestly see where you are coming from Borderline Magnet! I wanted to get my pwBPD back too and I did. With awful horrible words, I felt justified, for what he did to me was just as bad. Here's the problem, after the initial blow back you'll feel great! Then, if you have a concience, guilt will kick in and you will find that your revenge is hurting you and probably far more than you hurt her. Especially once you find out that they are the ones with the mental illness not you. They don't do it on purpose, and you did it on purpose! They couldn't help themselves and you can. You had the advantage, they didn't. That makes you worse then them! Don't do it. No harm.

[BorderlineMagnet]

If she kills herself that was out of my control. What if I had killed myself? No, she will be crushed if my plan works perfectly. I just want her to lose everything like I did. Her job, her friends- everything. I want her to be so destroyed that she even has her kids taken away. She's already giving her 3 year old behavior problems, and her 8 month old is doomed to grow up to be like her mom. I've seen her paint her son black after she had her little girl. At this point I just don't care. I cannot control anyone's actions but my own. If she wants to hurt herself, then that's her choice. Something tells me she'll be broken, but will skank it up with a new guy and tell him how awful I was within days. But that's fine. I just want to see the pain on her face the moment I begin to lay in to her about how her life will never end happily. How she will never have a real relationship. How she will never know love, and how I will never be that nice guy to her again. I will be her enemy from that day forth, and I will always have an unkind word if she decides to cross my path again. Right now she thinks I miss her, and want to be her friend... . so the set-up is there. Just gotta wait for this white trash piece of ___ she's with to screw up, or her to have her fears, or for her to want me sexually (I know that part wasn't a lie. She couldn't get enough and probably kept me around strictly for that). Then it's ":)" for ":)"emonstrating value to start it off. My value will be how kind I still am, and how good a lover I am... . then it's allll downhill for her from there :D

[BorderlineMagnet]

Summer,

Nice thing about me is I can turn my conscience off and on at whim when it comes to certain people/situations. Family is really the only people that get a pass to me in this area. They are bulletproof. She will be nothing more than someone who hurt me, and I hurt her back. End of story, Que Sera Sera... .

[BorderlineMagnet]

And after 2 borderlines in a row... . I really don't care if they can't help themselves. Still doesn't make the pain they inflicted any easier. Yes I will be in control, and I don't care if it's on purpose. People can think I'm a bad person for doing it. I don't care. I just care about crushing her so I can move on. So I can finally move towards happiness.

[KellyO]

How about you get some professional help for yourself.

[almost789]

Well then, Karma's a bitxx and I suspect if you have no conscience then that's the reason why you get what you get in the first place. How bout you take some responsibity for yourself? Why did you get into another relationship with your second borderline person in the first place?

[snappafcw]

Borderline Magnet back in January I too got crushed by my second BPD I know deep down there is so much good in her but for two months I couldn't heal at all after all the confusion lack of closure and love. Thanks to this community though I know she is sick and I wish her nothing but love and the best. I too experienced anger but never once did I wish anything bad to happen. If anything the worst I wished was her to hit rock bottom and only so she would get help or ask me for help (I was co dependent) but I know she needs to want to heal for herself and I just hope she finds happiness without me.


I never wished pain in her, never wanted to cut her down or destroy her or anyone in my life for that matter. Although I understand your anger I think their is a much deeper issue here. No offence. I hope you find peace god bless.

[WalrusGumboot]

I want her to be so destroyed that she even has her kids taken away.

What about settling with her being so destroyed she finally seeks professional help, for the sake of the kids?

The kids here are the innocent party. They didn't choose their parents. Becoming the ward of the state may not be better for them.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Yeah I know it's not a popular choice, and I have been to therapy. I'm just left with the feeling that if I return the pain to her that she inflicted on me, regardless of how she may already feel, then I can move forward with my life. Her kids will be fine. They have great grandparents. And one of them is a cop, so I'm sure they will bail her out if she spirals too much. But being more on the high-functioning side, I just really wanna expose her more than anything else. I want people to see that she is a sick mess, and not to trust her. Ever. I'm tired of people giving borderline's a pass just because they are sick. Sick people do messed up things, and it doesn't make it ok just because they are ill. She will suffer, be broken, then we will both move on. Ya know this is all contingent on her contacting me again in the first place, so I may not even get my chance. Then like some of you say, karma can continue to have its way with me. But is it really very karmic that I was nothing but nice to my previous BPD ex and she did nothing but torture me? One of them has to pay. I'm picking the cheater. She's number one on my ___list.

[recoil]

I see your anger.  To me, anger is good.  You are processing the events.  Are you sure you want to go to the "dark side" though?

The mental energy to plot, scheme and execute your plan may not be worth the results and effort.  She's used to things not going her way.  This won't be any different.  Can you cause her pain?  Sure.  But she causes herself pain - daily.  Pain is what she knows.  To me, it's what they expect.  The story of Moby Dick comes to mind for some reason.

To me, the most damage I can do to her is to do absolutely nothing but live my life to the fullest.  It's the ultimate form of abandonment.  Be happy without her.  I see the pain in her eyes when she talks about her ex (she left him) moving on and getting married.  That's true pain.

Any attention given to her, negative or positive, feeds her.  I wouldn't want to do battle with mine.  She has falsely accused people in her past.  I don't need that kind of drama in my life.

I want happiness.  Let Karma do it's thing.

PS - I know some things that are coming for my ex.  I see what Karma is going to do.  I'm content with sitting back and letting life do its thing (need some popcorn).

Karma > BPD.

[turtle]

Indifference.

It's the only way... . and getting to the place of indifference takes time.

I wish my crazyx nothing.  Not good things. Not bad things.  Not anything.

I don't care if he's sick, healthy, rich, poor, able, unable... . whatever he is/isn't has NOTHING to do with me.

turtle

[snappafcw]

Some people need to learn to forgive for their own sakes. Holding on to bitterness will only destroy you which ironicly is much like BPD.

[PDQuick]

And after 2 borderlines in a row... . I really don't care if they can't help themselves.

A snapshot of something you will understand much later in your recovery... .

After 2 borderlines in a row, you might ask why you can't help yourself.  Is it BPD-Magnet or BPD-Recruiter or maybe both?

Bowen, the father of Family Systems Theory,  says we select mates who are at the same level of emotional maturity. You both are operating in more or less the same emotional space.  Bowen, btw, define emotional immaturity as unrealistic expectations.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=88299.msg12210274#msg12210274

So the pain you are suffering from is from the relationship - the partnership - not one person in the relationship.  

The anger is hiding that because it is so painful to face.  You're hurting because you want her back - anger is helping you avoid that too.

It will take time to face the facts (or real emotions) as the facts hurt. The anger is a defense mechanism and it sometimes goes into overdrive (dysfunction).

Might be interesting to file this note away and look at it later.  Some day you will be teaching someone else this  

Yeah I know it's not a popular choice, and I have been to therapy. I'm just left with the feeling that if I return the pain to her that she inflicted on me, regardless of how she may already feel, then I can move forward with my life. Her kids will be fine.

It's not about popularity (us) - if you do this, none of our lives will be different.  It's really about people trying to help you see yourself.  We're good at that because we've been there (and someone helped us).

I looked up the DENNIS plan.  



What's the first step here, buying her roses? Nice dinner? Recycling?  

Take a deep breath 'magnet.  You're in phase 1 -------- >

Start reaching for phase 2. Understand what it is your mind is hiding under that anger.

[see Detachment Leads to Freedom in the right margin]

[BorderlineMagnet]

Naaaah, I'm still going through with it. I guess my resolve to right what has been done to me is just stronger than others. I really don't care if its a dark path. It's the one I choose, and I WILL be satisfied at the end. Soo just because I was with 2 BPD's I'm as emotionally stunted as them. I don't think so. The first one I thought I could save. I was wrong. The seconded mirrored me to the point of me falling in love with my own kindess, sweetness, and desire to make my loved ones feel loved. I chalk it up to bad luck. Just because I can turn all that good off to protect myself, and right a wrong does not make me like them. Just makes me a little more devious, yes, but it also is going to help me heal. Folks, you love your pain away or turn the other cheek all you want if that's what satisfies you. I'm not judging. I'm choosing to inflict what was inflicted on me back on my "thing" of an ex. I don't want her back anymore, I want her to be destroyed and know it was because she hurt me. Oh, and the ":)"emonstrate Value can be anything. How nice I was to her after what she did, how good a lay I am, how nice my body is, my good job... . You name it. Whatever she finds value in.

[PDQuick]

the ":)"emonstrate Value can be anything. How nice I was to her after what she did, how good a lay I am, how nice my body is, my good job... .

Interesting.

OK, then its settled.  Nothing more to discuss here.

Keep us updated on how it goes.

[benny2]

I went down the revenge road myself, did I feel better? for awhile, short while. Did it make the pain go away? Not really. What did I gain from it? Just another malisious game. Not worth it.