He has contacted me AGAIN

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

While I was typing a response to my last post about him contacting me three days ago with a blank text, he has contacted me again! UNBELIEVABLE! What is wrong with his new lady friend? Isn't she keeping his attention enough?

Anyway, this time it says "Are you ok? xo x 100000" (The "xo x 100000" he has sent to me from near the beginning)

I WANT to respond (but I will stop myself) that "I am awesome. My life has really turned around this last two weeks. I haven't felt this good for over 2.5 years!"   (2.5years being the time we were together)   But I'm posting what I want to respond here instead... . Its painful... . this detaching... . urrrrg!

[learningtowalkagain1]

While I was typing a response to my last post about him contacting me three days ago with a blank text, he has contacted me again! UNBELIEVABLE! What is wrong with his new lady friend? Isn't she keeping his attention enough?

Anyway, this time it says "Are you ok? xo x 100000" (The "xo x 100000" he has sent to me from near the beginning)

I WANT to respond (but I will stop myself) that "I am awesome. My life has really turned around this last two weeks. I haven't felt this good for over 2.5 years!"   (2.5years being the time we were together)   But I'm posting what I want to respond here instead... . Its painful... . this detaching... . urrrrg!

[Sleuth]

Even if your phone carrier can't block the number, sometimes the phone itself has the option to. It's like removing facebook friends updates from your news feed. I don't know if this is available on your phone but worth a go? I haven't been strong enough to initiate NC  or ignore the messages having said this, I replied but in a very uninterested manner. It's dwindling now but still throws me every single it happens though.

I also added a 'z' to the front of her name so it doesn't appear when I am scrolling for other numbers. You could always change his name in your phone book to 'delete' or 'don't read' or something to remind you to be strong also. I was a little ruder when I changed her name in my phone book... .

Good luck

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thanks Sleuth. I have investigated the phone though and no luck there either - I spoke to the manufacturers! Also, I have changed his name in my phone and I am sure that will help. I changed it two weeks ago (when he traumatized me) to Liar, Cheater, F*@kr! 

[Sleuth]

Ha. Nice work.

[Validation78]

Hi Learning!

What you are doing is hard!   It takes strength, determination and discipline.

When you feel weak, reach out for a friend. Keep in the forefront of your mind, how much better you feel without interaction, and know, this is healthy for you!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[jmc8899]

Hi Learning, he will keep trying.  When you do not respond, he will find an excuse to contact you.  No matter who he is with, he will feel empty and rely on others for validation.   One person won't do this for him.  My BPD ex never closed doors because he always needed someone to fall back on-well in his case, multiple women.   

Bravo on not responding yet... . Don't.   If you go a week without responding, treat yourself to something nice - dinner at your favorite restaurant, a spa visit or a new pair of sunglasses :-). It will get easier, I promise!   Keep setting limits/boundaries, it really helps and it feels really good when you stick to them.

[patientandclear]

Learning ... . yep.  "Are you OK."  What a question.

My ex used to not quite venture the question, but would add "I hope you are OK ... . " to emails we were exchanging about other topics.  I answered the other points in his messages but not that one.  It's funny, it's a question with no right answer even from their point of view.  If you're devastated by the awful betrayal they perpetrated, that's no good (they're bad, they will always ruin things).  If you're fine, that is also no good (they're bad, they're of so little value that you can just go on your merry way).  So I think it is really just a "touch" -- "please confirm you still care about me, that I still have the capacity to reach you & make you feel something."

For what it's worth, he is not in a good place.  You're not the solution to it for him and he isn't the solution to it for you, in all likelihood, but he is not OK and deep down somewhere he knows that what he did with you is not OK.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Learningtowalk, I think this is fairly typical and predictable.  Those w/BPD have a persistent side and will use any manipulation they can to get your attention.  But now that you know he will attempt to manipulate, usually through FOG (fear, obligation & guilt), you are forewarned and forearmed!  Don't fall for these tactics and try to stick to your path.  LuckyJim

[recoil]

LJ is right. 

This is typical and very predictable.  Just the other day, my ex came into my office for "work related things" that could have been done via e-mail or over the phone.  She snuck an "are you OK?" into the conversation.  I answered "Yes" and tried to do so with as little emotion as possible.

The past keeps knocking.  Don't answer.  Let it stay where it belongs.

[LuckyEscapee]

There is some really good advice on this thread, that even after some time in the sunshine  I still learn and benefit from.

I am moving to a new job soon and I know this is a likely trigger for another approach, so I plan to reduce the risk by blocking as best I can. Great tips, thank you.

[confetti]

It's so strong of you to post what you want to reply with here.

It takes really strong ambition to get better in order to not give in, so its a small step, and someday a milestone!

Any reply to his "Are you OK" or any other message is attention (or sometimes who gets the last word).

If your ex wants to know what you're doing, let silence speak for you!

Have a good day 

[Murbay]

My ex used to not quite venture the question, but would add "I hope you are OK ... . " to emails we were exchanging about other topics. 

patientandclear, I use similar words when responding to friends and acquaintances as a way of being polite, or I say "Hope all is well... . " I guess it just depends on the context and how it is coming across. Just as if someone contacted me and wrote that, my response would be "I'm good and how are you?" and just leave it at that. However, I think sometimes we look from the viewpoint of our exBPD's needing and wanting validation so it does change the dynamic a little.

I think in terms of learning's message, the xo's on the end are what changes the meaning and that one is probably better being ignored 

[Mark2430]

As hard as it will be, you are making a decision that is in the best interest of you and your own health... . It will be difficult in the short term and there will always be moments that you will miss her after all you loved her, but the reality is they don't love us in the same way we love them... . Everytime I have started to miss my ex I write a letter to explaining to her how much I care and then I make sure I write about all the things that hurt me and were just absolute crap... . And I never send it but I go back and keep reading it and when I read it to myself I always think "you made the right decision to move on" and then I delete the letter and I keep repeating the process I am 6 weeks NC right now and I haven't felt like writing a letter at all this week, and it seems to get easier, I think it's easier sometimes to try and look at yourself and her as a seperate couple and almost like you are watching through a window, does it look like a healthy relationship... . You can see from these boards long term is almost impossible ... . Luckily we all have each other for support... . Hang in there

[patientandclear]

My ex used to not quite venture the question, but would add "I hope you are OK ... . " to emails we were exchanging about other topics. 

patientandclear, I use similar words when responding to friends and acquaintances as a way of being polite, or I say "Hope all is well... . " I guess it just depends on the context and how it is coming across.

I'm sure we all use "hope you're well" in innocuous communication.  It's different when it comes from someone who just betrayed important promises to you and refused to address the issue or do anything to repair or prevent the damage.  "Hope you're OK" or "are you OK" in that context means "that awful thing I just did to you, it wasn't that awful, was it?"  Don't get me wrong, I can empathize with the desire of pwBPD to reach out after these destructive ruptures, hoping all is not lost and maybe something can be retrieved from the wreckage.  But obviously, we are not OK.

[Murbay]

You are completely right patientandclear, it does come across as patronising and condescending to say the least.

[LetItBe]

I'm sure we all use "hope you're well" in innocuous communication.  It's different when it comes from someone who just betrayed important promises to you and refused to address the issue or do anything to repair or prevent the damage.  "Hope you're OK" or "are you OK" in that context means "that awful thing I just did to you, it wasn't that awful, was it?"  Don't get me wrong, I can empathize with the desire of pwBPD to reach out after these destructive ruptures, hoping all is not lost and maybe something can be retrieved from the wreckage.  But obviously, we are not OK.

Exactly.  This is along the same lines as my ex's offer of "friendship or support" after his betrayal and refusal to acknowledge it in any way.  No, thanks, I'll stick to real friends who really do care about my feelings.

Yes, Murbay, "patronizing and condescending" are excellent adjectives here!

Good for you, learning, for honoring your truth and posting here instead of responding to him.

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thank you all so much for your wise words of advice.  I must admit it is hard to reach out to most of my friends because they think I got rid of him a long time ago and that I am over him. They cannot understand how he gets me back in. I can really only be honest with two friends and I even find that hard, but during my massive grieving this time I have been reaching out to them, although I have to do that pretty sparingly because they will tire of it.  I am so glad for this support here on the board too. I am relying on it at the moment. I have been very busy and unable to post even though I have wanted to so much. This is the first opportunity. But I have made the time to at least read, re-read at times, the valuable comments posted on no just for me but for other people in what sounds like almost identical situations. I didn't realise there were so many people caught in a similar trap.

I am still sickened to the stomach at the thought of him, still having flashbacks to the night I found him with the "other woman" and told me he was calling the police on me, dreaming of him every night... .

Unfortunately though I had a weak moment (I am sure lack of posting and inability to "exercise my demons" aided the weak moment. After another text "How are you now, ... . (my name) xo x 100000" on Sunday I responded yesterday by cutting and pasting a lot of the "loving, supportive" words in text he has been sending me the last month before I discovered he was onto another woman (eg I love you, I miss you so much, I am always there for you, I wish I was holding you, You are my dream girl, my heart remains with yours, every breathe I take I take with you and every thought is sent to you express post, my heart loves your heart, I am heart wrenched and cry most days etc etc, blah, blah). I sent them back to him on Monday. A day and a half later I got:

"Be your confident self ... . (my name) and thrive your way through this next phase upon you :-) xo x 100000." WHAT? What does this mean? Please shed some light?

So now I am back to square one. I BLEW 17 days NC and have to start all over again.  :'( :'(

[Rose Tiger]

Ah but you are wiser now.     The wonderful words he sent weren't heartfelt on his part, you can tell by his chinese fortune cookie response, which is like a nonresponse.  No meat.  All fluff!  No relationship can live on empty calories like that.  You have my blessing to respond, a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.  Just kidding, don't do that.   

[recoil]

The dribble he sent you angered me so much, I just blocked my ex to prevent me experiencing that in the future.

Of course, she can still contact me at work (her MO) -- but she can't text or call me afterwards!

[Healing4Ever]

learningtowalk: wow - your ex sounds a lot like mine- when I expressed sadness and frustration that he was ending things right in the weeks leading up to a major registration exam of mine (I had requested that we leave the decision to end things or not on hold until after my exam - only 3 weeks away at the time, and maintain the LC so he could figure out his stuff) - his response was "yes, it's unfortunate that you're in this situation, but I've seen you get through difficult times and I know you'll do really well".

Your ex's last response sounds like the same kind of thing - and it's infuriating.  It completely removes any sense of their own responsibility for contributing to the situation.  I didn't even know how to reply when mine said what he did... . I think I ignored it and requested NC until after my exam.

I am not very good at picking out the aspects of BPD at work - others here do that so well - just thought I'd pipe up with my similar story. 

H4E

[fromheeltoheal]

I found the hooks my BPD ex got into my psyche were very deep, a lot deeper than I had imagined, and that didn't start to become clear until many months of no contact.  And then I got an email 'coincidentally' on what would have been our anniversary, and the emotions took off all over again.  Not her fault really, she's got a disorder and she's doing the best she can to survive, including trying to use me to soothe her again, and what got created between us was a very loaded bond, core trauma meets core trauma, which is why the hooks were in so deep.

So how bad do you want it?  If your relationship was anything like mine, you're heavily conflicted, but know the 'right' thing to do is get the hell out.  How far are you willing to go?  Instead of blocking his texts you could get a new phone, or number, or account, whatever it takes, to cut the technology completely off.  And if you do that, there might be some heartache because on some level you still want to hear from him, maybe to get what you never got.  It won't happen.  My advice, and take what you need, leave the rest, is to talk more to those two friends you can talk to, get professional help if you need it, and imagine a future without him, so you can start creating it.  And of course type here all you want.  Good luck!

[patientandclear]

NC is a tool, not a goal, so don't beat yourself up for having responded.  Not that I am recommending continued contact, especially given how careless he's being with your feelings, but your response really couldn't have been more appropriate.  You directly confronted him with the contradiction between acting like he cares if you're OK, and the intense hurt he inflicted.

His answer reflects an utter inability to take responsibility, be accountable, or change his behavior in light of its consequences for others (so, pity the women still to come in the chain).  "It's all good because you're strong and you didn't really need me anyway, right?"

He would much rather that that be the case, of course.  He probably feels some guilt at some level and is attempting to reassure himself that he is OK.  And also wants to reassure himself that he hasn't lost your attention and interest completely.

He is very dangerous emotionally.

[fromheeltoheal]

He probably feels some guilt at some level and is attempting to reassure himself that he is OK.  And also wants to reassure himself that he hasn't lost your attention and interest completely.

Yes.  My BPD ex's attempts to continue a 'friendship' were clearly an attempt to use me to soothe her, she had plenty to be guilty about, and also to lessen the feeling of abandonment, since I left her and disappeared.  That's OK, she's doing what she thinks she needs to do to navigate her life, and I'm putting me first, since I'm the only one who will.

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thank you RoseTiger for making me laugh. I have only been thinking today that I maybe could start looking at the whole 2.5 year on & off relationship as laughable, and that might lift some of the feelings of anxiety, frustration, abuse, manipulation, betrayal, deceit, control, fear etc etc I never realised that he lied to me soo much and on so many levels. And Recoil - good response. And Healing - mine sent me into trauma last year a week before three exams by grossly abusing me when I got scared of the way he was talking and wanted to leave his place and he had a major "episode" physically restraining me, taking my phone and then locking me out and called the police and he then blamed it all on me and convinced me that it was all my fault.

Yes, Fromhealtotoe he definitely got deep into my psyche as yours did with you. Every time we have broken up in the past he "runs into me" somewhere in our local area and says its because we are so deeply connected by our love and hearts that the universe constantly throws us together!  Funnily enough, I have not been running into him these last 2.5weeks (basically I think he has stopped stalking me - he knows my routine and could easily "run into me again".

But Patientandclear, you hit the nail on the head every time and thank you for your support and continued comments. You must have been educating yourself about BPDs for sometime - you seem to see through mine so easily - much better than I do. And he is definitely onto the next relationship and hooking into her now - I am sure it is the woman I saw him with. You see the NC 'in person' that we had 6.5 weeks (March) before I let him back in the door for a night and then let him destroy me 48hrs after with another woman, was initiated by me. He had a meltdown, I reacted (not pretty) and the situation blew up, we parted ways and he sent me some horrid texts. Then the next day he "ran into me" and approached saying "sorry, blah, blah, blah" and I didn't even look at him - I pretended he wasn't there and kept walking. Then twice I saw him when I was on outings and disappeared before he could see me, I changed my routine and went into hiding. I guess this must have had a major impact on him and may have made him look for a new victim thinking he had lost his chance with me? Then he started working on me by text weeks before I let him back in the door - but perhaps he was already working on the new girl getting his hooks in? I just don't know why he worked on me to get back in if he was moving on. And isn't his text that he sent Tuesday "Be your confident self ... . (my name) and thrive your way through this next phase upon you :-) xo x 100000." indicating that he has moved on and he doesn't want me anymore but I will be fine "thriving through my next phase" with someone else? What do you think?

I definitely want off the merry-go-round. There is no way I will EVER go back now. I just have to get myself far, far, far away and keep away and hope the new girl keeps his attention for enough time so that I have a chance to heal. :'(