decoding secrecy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex had this thing about secrecy that confused me for a bit.

She didn't want anyone to know about us. Of course later I discovered she was juggling a few of us at once.

She warned me about talking to certain people for certain reasons, mostly because of who knew who.

If I had spoken to certain people, I would get the third degree about exactly what I said verbatim.

Now I see these odd requests had nothing to do with privacy per se. They were about control, manipulation, isolation, and protecting a public persona.

Has anyone else had similar kinds of secrecy stuff?

[TippyTwo]

My ex had this thing about secrecy that confused me for a bit.

She didn't want anyone to know about us. Of course later I discovered she was juggling a few of us at once.

She warned me about talking to certain people for certain reasons, mostly because of who knew who.

If I had spoken to certain people, I would get the third degree about exactly what I said verbatim.

Now I see these odd requests had nothing to do with privacy per se. They were about control, manipulation, isolation, and protecting a public persona.

Has anyone else had similar kinds of secrecy stuff?

[Mr Bean]

I have similar experience. My ex doesnt allow me to talk about us especially after we fight to my twin brother. She was trying to control me. I think in her case its public persona thing. She  is also scared if anyone knows her true age. She thinks herself as religious, good looking, etc, etc. But actually everything is the opposite.

I also thought it was about secrecy. Its all BS. I chatted with my twin bro in instant messenger. She even read it what we chatted about. When i said something in the chat that she didnt like she complained. Who wanted to read in the first place anyway?

[crystalclear]

Mine was always communicating to about he whereabouts, but slowly he began to lie about it... . he did introduce me to all this best friends... . He hid all his 6-7 relationships both casual and serious ones. He lied to me that he had just 3 of which 2 were serious... . And he keeps in touch with just one (who dumped him, he waited fr her for 5 yrs and is married now)... . But he would always pry about every single guy i was with (even friends)... . I eventually discovered he went on a trip with a girl and gifted her stuff and took her home... . he also hid from me when he met his exGF (who is in touch with) just 3 month before he left me... .

Mine tried to pretend 'cool' in the first few months, but was agitated and furious if i spoke to my guy friends. Called them names. He dint like me keeping in touch with my ex BF (was my friend too) He always complained that i have more guy friends than girls. He would say "its not my problem is all your GFs are married and moved out of city, make new ones"... .

Then he did not like me talking to his guy friends' ex GF (she was a sweet girl)... .

Also if my phone was engaged when he called anytime of the day, especially in the evenings or nights (nt late nights)... .

I have no clue why he was so insecure, when i was loyal and faithful all the time... . For him i had to reduce or stop talking to all my guy friends... . He would say "every guy would like to have a girl like you" even when he knew i was madly in love with him... .

Not sure if this is a way to control us or isolate us... . but i am sure he painted me black to his family and friends... .

[babyducks]

They were about control, manipulation, isolation, and protecting a public persona.

Has anyone else had similar kinds of secrecy stuff?

I would also add shame to the list.  I experienced a bunch of half stories and vague answers that I think, looking back,  were shame based.   Something simple like her job history.   Most people would come out and say ahh I worked here for so long and there for so long and here for a while.   I got a lot of vague answers and a lack of detail.   Well there was another  I missed, or ignored.    (Suddenly there seem to be a lot of them.)   I pretty much got her whole history until she graduated college,  and then for the last 5 years or so,  the 25 years in between that were a black hole, that we were always going to talk about some day. 

There were a couple of parts of the her history/story that made my head snap back, like    And since she was very attune to my facial expressions I am sure as soon as I flinched that story got tossed into the bin of never to be discussed again.

[Bananas]

My ex had this thing about secrecy that confused me for a bit.

She didn't want anyone to know about us. Of course later I discovered she was juggling a few of us at once.

She warned me about talking to certain people for certain reasons, mostly because of who knew who.

If I had spoken to certain people, I would get the third degree about exactly what I said verbatim.

Now I see these odd requests had nothing to do with privacy per se. They were about control, manipulation, isolation, and protecting a public persona.

Has anyone else had similar kinds of secrecy stuff?

YES YES YES!  A lot of secrecy and evading questions.  He could tapdance around a question unlike anyone I have ever met.  Only my friends seemed to know about us.  My ex was also juggling a few.  We did have one mutual friend though, that knew about us.  That friend was the one who told me my ex was cheating.  Of course my ex blamed ME for ruining that friendship.

My ex is very secret with everyone.  He has lied so much I think he may realize it is better for him to stay quiet lest he trip up, even though he would deny everything if he got caught.         

[KellyO]

When my ex-bf did this, it was always about shame. His relationship history was a mine-field, he tells everyone he has had only 2 relationships. That is a lie, but it is a lie he tells to himself too.  Everything doing with relationships and women seem to be a mine-field with him, and all covered in lies. So I have no slightest idea what the truth is and what he is hiding, because he hides it from himself too. When it comes to relationships, he is like two people, and one does not know what the other half does. It is bizarre. He really thinks he is an honest person, so I think when he lies because of shame, he does not see himself lying, he is just hiding up something in himself, and for him that is not lying. He believes everyone does that. So... . because everyone is dishonest, he acts like a judge and the jury. I was interrogated about every single aspect in my past, he hated the idea that I had been married and engaged and whatnot. He just said that every man is like him, and those who say others are lying. So, what he wanted was a 40 years old virgin. And I'm not joking. This all is shame-based. He has shame about himself, and so he A) made himself to believe he was pure as snow B) tried to shame me so it would be me who is shameful. I'm sure he does this with every single woman. Most seem to be sane enough to dump him early, and so he tells himself it was not a relationship in the first place, and he was not into that woman anyway.

[learningtowalkagain1]

My exUBPDbf wasn't so much secret about past relationships and life, but very opinionated and called all the exgfs and the exwife crazy and said horrid things about them. He groomed me constantly when we first started dating, saying he had slept with many women in our area (he was the first I had dated in our area) and that if we were out that I might get approached and harassed by some jealous woman (big ego?). Also, not to listen to anything that anyone said to me about him, but to share it with him because he said he was the type of person that people either loved or hated and that the haters would try and poison my mind against him. I realize it was all brainwashing now. He did a lot of talking about other women and people, so it escaped my attention that he "missed" telling me about a few women he had chased and never gotten (that other people ended up telling me about) that he would get in touch apparently with when we had suffered a fallout. When confronted he would never admit anything - like Bananas said:"He could tap dance around a question unlike anyone I have ever met!" He only had two male friends himself (which I had thought strange - said he was more into family) and wanted to spend every minute of every day with me. I was so naive to his manipulations and brainwashing.   

[Murbay]

Oh yes, it's very common.

Caught my ex out on a couple of lies and took the brunt of the rage. There were many more lies I uncovered but said nothing about out of fear of the same response.

According to my ex, she is the most selfless person around and that is her public persona. It just took 3 appointments with my Therapist before she revealed her "other" side to him because up until then, I was the villain.

She contacted my exgf's ex on facebook. He told her he split with my ex because he wanted someone adventurous and good in bed. She made herself out to be just that in an attempt to mirror him. When I confronted her, after the rage dies down, she said she had done it for me to try and find out if my children were ok because that's how selfless she is and how thankful I should beto have such a caring wife.

She told the current target that she went to marriage counselling to sort out my issues because she had already been told she had none and I was the cause of everything. Therapist certainly didn't see it the same way she did. His actual words were "The entire family's logic is ******" How many therapists do you know, contact you out of office hours because they are the ones angry at something your ex has just done?

[MontyD]

I became aware of secrets, cover-ups, lies about 9 months ago.  Stories changed over time and statements like "I don't want to talk about it" when the pressure was on.  Nothing ever seemed to match up, I took everything at face value, never asked about the other half of the story.  

For example, She told she ran away from home when she was 15, went across country, 4000km.  But couldn't, wouldn't tell me how she got home.  Nobody had ever asked her that, and of course she was unprepared, didn't want to talk about it.  She had told that story to her previous ex's, but they were never suspicious enough to follow through.  Blinded with sympathy. Poor girl.

Her sisters tell me she never ran away. "We would know, we lived at home with her !"

I started investigating these stories and half truths. Asking my friends who knew her, she has no friends, people I know who she worked with, we live in a small town, and I find that nothing she told me was never quite right.  I even chased up some of her ex's, and I have become friends with her ex-husband.  He didn't know about BPD, but she gave him hell for the 12 months they were married.

I chased up the stories for about 8 months, became an obsession I suppose, but today, I have no idea who she is, where she as been, and what she has done.  

What I do know is that I was told a total fabrication of her past.

If she said it was raining, I would have to go outside and have a look !

That was one of the reasons I had to let her go.

Monty