I've got that weird sick feeling in my gut.

[Rockylove]

Long story short... . I've been staying at my son's house while training for my new job.  I've been here for the past 3 weeks and have 1 more week to go.  I've enjoyed the time away from my bf and I miss him, but not the way I thought I would.  That's a good thing.  I don't feel that I can't be without him.

We're getting along wonderfully at the moment.  I've been working like a mad woman and he's been working diligently getting the house back in order.   I've only been home 3 nights in the last 3 weeks though.  I'm wondering if things will revert back to the craziness or if the peace can continue when I return home in another week.  We had one moment when I thought we'd have another go-around the last time I was home, but I was able to divert it by validating and listening to him.  I'm not walking on eggshells, but I still have this underlying weird feeling~~like I know I'm in for another blasting and I'm waiting for it to happen. 

I know that I've had issues in the past with anticipating something going "wrong" when things are looking really "right" so I'm seeking wisdom here.  It's been drilled into my head that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is and I'm having difficulties with enjoying the peace.  What the heck is wrong with me? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[cult]

Long story short... . I've been staying at my son's house while training for my new job.  I've been here for the past 3 weeks and have 1 more week to go.  I've enjoyed the time away from my bf and I miss him, but not the way I thought I would.  That's a good thing.  I don't feel that I can't be without him.


I know that I've had issues in the past with anticipating something going "wrong" when things are looking really "right" so I'm seeking wisdom here.  It's been drilled into my head that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is and I'm having difficulties with enjoying the peace.  What the heck is wrong with me? 

First of all, way to go for reaching a place where you are OK being without him. That's a place I really, really want to reach and you give me hope that it is possible.   

Second of all, I totally understand the anticipation of disaster. "Catastrophizing" is how we refer to it in CoDA. The advice I've always been given is simply to do our best to live in the moment and allow life to unfold. That seems nearly impossible for me to do myself but I'm told that is the best way, so I offer it to both of us now as a reminder that all of our worrying will not change (or even influence) the outcome of events in any way.

We cannot control or change them, or their behavior. This to me is my key to sanity.

[jedicloak]

I agree. We've been conditioned to anticipate the other shoe to drop - usually right on us! The way to manage that is to be mindful - live in this moment right now - focus on your breathing, what do you notice in terms of smells, sounds, nuances of your environment in this exact moment... . it takes practice for sure. But when you are tempted to go into the future (future-tripping) and anticipate how things will unfold... . remember, no one has a crystal ball. Hope this helps.

[Rockylove]

Thank you, both!  I know these things intellectually and I can usually get to that "happy place" in my mind... . I'm not sure what's keeping me in the funk at the moment though.  Perhaps it's the upcoming marriage.  Cold feet?  Ugh!  Right now everything is perfect... . but my experience has me convinced that perfect is an illusion.  When things were absolutely "perfect" in my last marriage, my husband was secretly opening credit cards, spending thousands of dollars on alcohol, expensive gifts and dinners (none of which I ever saw), setting his girlfriend up in an apartment and well... . living a double life.  I really don't think that my bf is doing any of that, but fear has me tangled.  I can't seem to shake this feeling and I'm getting pissed at myself about it!   

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

  Sorry to hear about that. I've had similar thoughts and fears, since my ex-wife cheated on me as well. I'm still a work in progress, but I have tried to keep "my stuff" from marriage #1 from playing into my current marriage. It's hard to let go of those fears, but I've felt a lot better since I put a lot of effort into doing so.

  I can also relate to that feeling of sickness when you think about the next period of dysregulation. All I can say about that is to tell you how I've finally come to think about it... . My thinking process on this specific situation is probably a mindfulness exercise... . I KNOW that my wife WILL have another episode. I don't know when it will be. I don't know how intense it will be. I don't know how long it will last, and I have no idea what will trigger it. In the meantime, which could be an hour, or three weeks, there is peace. I have a window of opportunity. Do I spend it thinking about something that I KNOW is going to happen, or do I enjoy the moment? Either way, the next episode is coming, regardless of what I do in-between.

 :)on't know if that helps any, but I've found a way to make it work for me pretty well. Hang in there!

[Rockylove]

As always, your words are comforting, Codep.  My mind has been occupied (for the most part) by work and for that I'm thankful.  I suppose I'm just out of sorts because I'm away from home right now.  I think what I fear most is getting too comfortable with what appears to be the really great times and letting my guard down then getting blind sided.  I do hate it when that happens!     Can we never be vulnerable?  This suit of armor is getting heavy and needs constant polishing.  Perhaps it doesn't fit me all that well either... . does it make my butt look fat? 

[zaqsert]

This suit of armor is getting heavy and needs constant polishing.  Perhaps it doesn't fit me all that well either... . does it make my butt look fat? 

Not at all.  You look great!   

It probably doesn't exactly help that although you have been away, it sounds like you may not have had much time for yourself recently.  3 weeks, spending most of the day working/training, living in someone else's house (your son's rather than yours).  Will you have a chance to get a bit of you time, maybe this weekend?  That might help you re-energize, which could help you process the feelings you're experiencing.

[Rockylove]

This suit of armor is getting heavy and needs constant polishing.  Perhaps it doesn't fit me all that well either... . does it make my butt look fat? 

Will you have a chance to get a bit of you time, maybe this weekend?  That might help you re-energize, which could help you process the feelings you're experiencing.

Funny you should say that, zaqsert!  I always say "I need time to process" but right now it's steal a few minutes here and there which is not all that effective.  Perhaps it will help that I'll be able to enjoy the sunrise on our front porch Sunday morning... . nothing better than a cup of java in my favorite porch chair and the dawn of a new day to get my head out of the fog. 

[waverider]

I agree with Codep, it will happen at some stage. The difference is are you in a better place to let it wash, without making things worse and without tearing you apart?

In other words its not about whether he has changed, but rather have you?

[Rockylove]

In other words its not about whether he has changed, but rather have you?

I have... . very much so.  I love him... . no doubts about that, but I'm not hinging my life on him being in it.  If he is that is a great thing... . if he's not, I'm still me and I have a wonderful appreciation for life.  It's just difficult at the moment and I'm getting over it.  I know I can survive without him... . I've done it for over 50 years... . I can do it for however many more I've got.  I want him in my life but I don't need him in it.  That makes me feel confident and strong

[waverider]

You may feel a greater desire to maintain more "alone" time so that you can maintain that stance. I have to keep reminding myself, as it is easy to subconsciously slip back into the codependency/enmeshment mind set.

[Rockylove]

You may feel a greater desire to maintain more "alone" time so that you can maintain that stance. I have to keep reminding myself, as it is easy to subconsciously slip back into the codependency/enmeshment mind set.

You're very right, waverider.  I'm glad I've got my job, friends & family to divert my attention some times.  My bf is very important to me, but he's not everything.  I've put myself in that position too many times and I don't want to repeat the past... . I've got a present that needs tending to