Emergency help... but I know "forcing" doesn't work

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My grandmother has BPD and I'm now convinced that my mother does as well though she has not been diagnosed and has never had any mental health issues that have caused her to seek help. But her behavior is very similar to so much that I've read and saw in my grandmother. And things have reached a crisis.

My mother is in a very very stressful situation - mostly of her own making. I won't go into excruciating details because it's a long story, but she is managing a business that requires dawn to dusk responsibilities, 7 days a week. She is very controlling and none of the help can do "anything" right. She has run off all the good people and is left with a revolving cast of folks that really can't get it right. Her health has been in decline for the last year - she isn't eating or sleeping properly. The stress level is so intense. She frequently feels like she is going to pass out.

I usually spend one or two days a week with her with my two little kids, helping around the place and also just visiting.

The last few days have been truly awful. Crying, screaming, throwing things, destroying things, the works. She has repeatedly said "I can't cope anymore!". Then yesterday she talked over and over about suicide. Not just an empty threat of "I just wanna kill myself" but truly saying she wanted to do it, blow her brains out, drive off a cliff, hold her breath and disappear, etc. While I truly think this was all part of attention seeking behavior, I can't help but worry. She was raging and screaming at 10 PM last night, woke my kids who then were also crying. I was so freaked out that all I could do was pack up and go (my dad was there so my mom wasn't alone). I had nightmares all night.

I feel as though she needs to be removed from the stressful situation (the business) but she also said that it was the last project she wanted to do in life and without it, her life meant nothing. But then she said it's killing her. Catch-22... .

I know I (we - the rest of the family) can't FORCE her to get help. I've been reading about strategies to help a BPD person and have been working on them but those take so much time. I was more than willing to do that. Until now. She has that uncanny ability to turn it on and off - one of my brothers has managed to never see her in a rage - so it's not like I could have her involuntarily committed (as if I would do that anyway... . shudder... . ). How can I press the issue? If she is really suicidal she needs help NOW. Either way, I don't want my kids around this behavior anymore.  But abandoning her? Telling her she can't see my kids? If she wasn't suicidal before, won't that push her over the edge?

:'(

[mcdoogle]

My grandmother has BPD and I'm now convinced that my mother does as well though she has not been diagnosed and has never had any mental health issues that have caused her to seek help. But her behavior is very similar to so much that I've read and saw in my grandmother. And things have reached a crisis.

My mother is in a very very stressful situation - mostly of her own making. I won't go into excruciating details because it's a long story, but she is managing a business that requires dawn to dusk responsibilities, 7 days a week. She is very controlling and none of the help can do "anything" right. She has run off all the good people and is left with a revolving cast of folks that really can't get it right. Her health has been in decline for the last year - she isn't eating or sleeping properly. The stress level is so intense. She frequently feels like she is going to pass out.

I usually spend one or two days a week with her with my two little kids, helping around the place and also just visiting.

The last few days have been truly awful. Crying, screaming, throwing things, destroying things, the works. She has repeatedly said "I can't cope anymore!". Then yesterday she talked over and over about suicide. Not just an empty threat of "I just wanna kill myself" but truly saying she wanted to do it, blow her brains out, drive off a cliff, hold her breath and disappear, etc. While I truly think this was all part of attention seeking behavior, I can't help but worry. She was raging and screaming at 10 PM last night, woke my kids who then were also crying. I was so freaked out that all I could do was pack up and go (my dad was there so my mom wasn't alone). I had nightmares all night.

I feel as though she needs to be removed from the stressful situation (the business) but she also said that it was the last project she wanted to do in life and without it, her life meant nothing. But then she said it's killing her. Catch-22... .

I know I (we - the rest of the family) can't FORCE her to get help. I've been reading about strategies to help a BPD person and have been working on them but those take so much time. I was more than willing to do that. Until now. She has that uncanny ability to turn it on and off - one of my brothers has managed to never see her in a rage - so it's not like I could have her involuntarily committed (as if I would do that anyway... . shudder... . ). How can I press the issue? If she is really suicidal she needs help NOW. Either way, I don't want my kids around this behavior anymore.  But abandoning her? Telling her she can't see my kids? If she wasn't suicidal before, won't that push her over the edge?

:'(

[mcdoogle]

Sigh. I've been reading more and more on this site. I was interested in BPD when my grandmother was diagnosed but I had such a distant relationship with her anyway that it didn't much matter to me. I've been researching BPD for a few months now but this crisis has really sent me deep into the material.

On the Karpman Triangle, I'm the rescuer. I knew I had been an enabler to my mother's behavior in the past. Once I came to that realization and was strong enough to stop my own behavior - about 6 months ago - my relationship with my mom has actually improved. I used to be the rescuer... . who then didn't do it right and became her punching bag. Since not rescuing her self-created situations any more, I'm never at fault for doing things wrong. I have two kids and my mom kinda respects that I'm busy (an infant and a toddler... . of course I'm busy!) so that is the implicit reason I'm not rescuing these days.

Part of me is wondering if this is just a huge plea from her to get me back in my usual role. I think this is the "extinction burst" I read about here.

So... . maybe I don't need any advice. Sit and wait it out. The more I've dwelt on this, this fewer options of "helping" her there seem to be. I will continue to strive to get her in therapy but I no longer feel this is the huge crisis I thought it was last night. She is just manipulating me. Why can't I keep remembering that?

I spoke to my dad today. He totally blew off all her suicide talk. He rarely plays into her games - probably why they've been married for so long.

ARG!

[nomom4me]

Seems like you are cast the rescuer, that is a tough role to shed.  Try putting some space between you and her, don't jump when she says jump!  Easier said than done I know, use technology - maybe try setting a special ring tone for her number.

Maybe try letting her go to voicemail, if you have a recorded suicide threat you can take that to the authorities and have them deal with her - seems harsh, but as long she is snaring you in her web she will likely keep up the same tactics.

[mcdoogle]

Thought I would update on my mom's current spaz out.

She apologized profusely the next day for exploding in front of my kids. For the first time in a long time, her apology didn't sounds trite. Usually it's "sorry if you took what I said the wrong way". She was very quiet and calm on the phone and didn't want to talk long. She encouraged me not to come to see her that weekend, and I didn't.

It's very hard for me to limit contact much more. I know that sounds like an excuse! But I work with my dad and during the day when I need to talk to him, I call and she frequently answers. Or I got a call from their number and I don't know if it's mom or dad. When I do speak to her on the phone, I make it quick.

And my usual weekly visits are also business related. Sigh. She runs a "family" business. I consider myself one of the good people she has run off. I still have a few odd jobs to take care of. I'm trying desperately to hand them off without sending her over the top. Fortunately, the work my dad and I do together has nothing to do with that.

I went against my better judgement and gave my mom the ability to take an entire week off from her life - I would handle EVERYTHING. She said there was no way because of X and I told her I had already planned to do Y, etc, etc. I had all of her objections planned and already covered. My husband was furious at me for doing this. But I told him - if she takes me up on the offer, she could come back far less stressed and be able to be a member of our family again, or if she denies it then I know I can never help her in relieving stress. Guess what? She didn't take me up on the offer. The day rolled around for her to leave and she said she just had too many things to do.

Ah. Feels good actually. I fulfilled my desire to rescue her, was denied and now I have no more need to perform that role. (at least for now... . I know I backslide. I go through this every couple of months it seems)