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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: How to behave around a BPD ex?  (Read 3571 times)
Undone123
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 250


« on: May 23, 2013, 02:04:49 PM »

Obviously a normal ex, I'd just be very polite to, and keep it brief... .

My BPD ex, has been horrible, hates me, and is going to a place I will be at. Now I am not changing my plans. This is my thing, and she knows it. She knows I'll be there... .

How do you act when you bump into them? Just ignore?
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maciej

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2013, 02:17:06 PM »

I am going thru the same thing! It's as if my ex is now trying to take on my lifestyle and go to the places I hung out at before I even met him, doing things and going to places that he had never even been to before and even refused to go to with me. Not only is he showing up where he knows I will be but he's bringing his "new gf" with him! How rude and disrespectful! Clearly they are doing this just to get a reaction out of us and hurt us. I tried to say hi when I saw him and he flat out ignored me! He acted as though he didn't hear me and had no idea who I was. I think that's what hurt the most after dating for 2yrs! My best advice is to just try to act like it doesn't bother you no matter how hard it is. Unfortunately you have been left with only 2 options... . continue going to your places and don't let them run you off or cut your losses and find new places to hang out.
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jmc8899
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« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2013, 02:21:08 PM »

The best thing you can do is act indifferent, as difficult as it is.   Your ex wants to be able to tell himself and future partners that you were the crazy one, not him.  If you're overly nice, he will say you're still obsessed with him.   If you ignore him, he will say you hate him.   Just be polite and somewhat friendly.   Keep the conversation brief... . Pretend you are getting a phone call or have to meet someone. 
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Bananas
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« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2013, 02:31:56 PM »

I work with my ex.  I try to just keep things professional.  It is hard.  He alternates in between ignoring me, acting totally normal like we are still best friends, some stalking behavior, and lately I have been getting the evil stare... .

I feel like I can't win in this situation.  No matter how I act it gets turned around, and his reactions are not consistant.  But I would agree that acting indifferent seems to work the best for me. 
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Undone123
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 250


« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2013, 02:38:10 PM »

It's crazy, she is even starting the same masters at the same university as me? She seems interested in things, she hated I liked... .

What's with this? do they try and engulf your life even though they hate you?
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egribkb
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2013, 02:48:43 PM »

Whatever you do don't be put in a situation where you are alone with the pwBPD. Make sure you have witnesses or recordings to battle potential false charges.
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jmc8899
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« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2013, 03:56:59 PM »

Why do they do this?   I've been wondering the same thing.   My BPD "ex" told me he could never be with me and was in love with someone else.   I told him we can stay friends but no more crossing the line (no more flirting or physical relations).   I stuck to those boundaries, and he has been whining to mutual friends about how I don't want him anymore, randomly showing up where I'm hanging out and finding excuses to contact me.   It's bizarre.   When I've broken up with guys I've tried to avoid them.   

My explanation would be that he doesn't want me to be happy.   I think it kills him that I'm moving on with my life and am clearly happier without him.   Misery seeks company.   What he wants is for me to want him, to sit home crying over him and to be waiting in the wings.   For a while I was that girl, but I'm not anymore.   

Keep busy, and in the case that you do encounter the ex just try your hardest to act indifferent.   They WANT drama.   They WANT a reaction.   Don't give them the satisfaction.
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Undone123
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2013, 04:10:23 PM »

I was like you as well up until this week! just waiting in the wings! Even though has been someone else, and reengaging exes... . etc. I was like "oh its the disorder". But they are still responsible for their actions regardless... . 

Now as of this week I am like you! Just want to get on with my life, and avoid her really!
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Healing4Ever
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« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2013, 06:16:19 AM »

I can relate.  My exuBPD and I broke up about 2 weeks ago, and I asked for NC until I write my exam in June.  Like Dank, maciej, and jmc8899, he seems to be going out of his way to passively-aggressively NOT give me this space.

For example, he wanted some stuff at the house (I'm living here and most of his stuff is still here).  I asked that he stop just popping by to get stuff (he literally walked in during my mother's day brunch with the kids), but instead set up a time to come by and grab a bunch of his stuff so I can leave and give him space to get what he needs.  He said no to that, but has since set up 3 separate times to stop by (past 2 weeks), sometimes with only 5 minutes notice, to pick up just 1 or 2 items.    Even my daughter noticed this behavior (I didn't say a thing to her)- and she joked that if he keeps coming by for only a couple things at a time, it will take him over 50 years to pick up all his stuff.  (Actually - this became a very funny moment, because then her and my son started arguing about how long it will take him to get all his stuff, and then started doing the math in their heads, and decided he needed to own 2600 items to keep coming back once a week for 50 years  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

While it may seem that I'm not being very compassionate to him, I see that I asked for what I needed (NC for 3 weeks), and although on the surface he's saying ok, he really is continuing to do what he was doing before.  But if confronted, he would just deny and say that I asked for a heads-up, so that's what he's doing.  I asked for NC.  They can be very subtle and sneaky.  It's exhausting.
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