Were positive emotions bad?

[Claire]

I recently had a meeting with two colleagues looking to collaborate on some work. From some of the things they said, it seems that they are questioning my excitement for the project.  I do tend to be pretty calm and even-tempered, so I understand why they might think this way. The problem is that I am VERY excited about the project and just don't know how to make my face/body language etc. show that!

Reflecting on this, I noticed that growing up, positive emotions were not encouraged or allowed in our house. It was okay to be pessimistic/realistic but any dreaming or excitement was always crushed by a dose of reality.

This may be totally unrelated to BPD and may just have more to do with a pessimistic outlook on life. Either way... . I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to show the emotion I feel... .

[GeekyGirl]

Reflecting on this, I noticed that growing up, positive emotions were not encouraged or allowed in our house. It was okay to be pessimistic/realistic but any dreaming or excitement was always crushed by a dose of reality.

This is actually pretty common. Do you think that your mother felt threatened when you showed a lot of emotion?

[meridian]

I agree with Geckygirl.  I think it is very common.  Remember, borderline's focus on everything bad and wrong.  They thrive on drama.  If things are good and exciting they will focus on the bad.  It makes sense that you hide it.  Then they can't destroy it.  Try to enjoy!  Let it come out.  You are safe now.

[cleotokos]

Claire, I think I know how you feel. I'm very calm and even-tempered too, and I feel that sometimes people don't "get" me. Particularly my boyfriend, who gets frustrated as he feels he can't tell what I'm feeling at any moment. I never thought about it much, except I know being "sad" and acting depressed was always rewarded in my house (as my mom was depressed and always claimed it was a sign of her intelligence). When I grew up I realized if my mom was so bloody intelligent, why could she never figure out a way to be happy? Anyways, happiness and excitement weren't outwardly discouraged, but the negative sides of a situation were always quickly pointed out so I suppose it makes sense that I would suppress any outward display of happiness in order to avoid having my dreams pooped on (for lack of a better word... . ). Happy people were definitely equated with stupidity in my house. Anyone chipper or cheery was criticized. And for me, I've been like this for so long it's not even a matter of "letting it out", as I'm sometimes genuinely confused about what other people are doing that I'm not.

[isshebpd]

Claire, I definitely know how you feel.

I recently had a performance review at my work where they asked me to be more upbeat and social. I told them I'd try. But I wanted to point out that they knew what I was like when they hired me, and I'm a bit old to change my personality. I'm good at my job, but I've never pretended to be all sunshine and lollipops, or whatever.

And yes, genuine joy was rarely if ever expressed in my FOO. Holidays and special events were always rained on by uBPDmom's bad moods, often ending up in unpleasant drama.

Maybe there are classes for helping people become more expressive?

[musicfan42]

I have the exact opposite problem.

issheBPD-I'm not sure if there are classes for helping people become more expressive. DBT skills would help you to express your emotions-maybe try that? (I've info on it below). I know that DBT skills were originally designed for borderlines however there are useful skills in it that anyone can use.

You can definitely work on your social skills in work too. There is a book available on amazon called "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It has a lot of cheesy suggestions like smile and remember people's name but all of it works. The "influence people" section is excellent-I was doing the rest of the stuff anyways really but I learned a lot from the influence people bit so I would definitely recommend it to anyone.

I think that the DBT skill "GIVE" is very effective when wanting to build relationships with people. It's an acronym that stands for:

G... . Gentle (don't be sarcastic, don't attack someone verbally, keep your tone of voice steady-don't raise your voice too much but equally don't mutter... . talk in a clear tone of voice and make eye contact with whoever you're looking at... . eye contact is so important... . don't fidget... . don't look down at the ground etc... . I'm sure you get the idea!)

I... . Interested (act interested in what the other person is saying... . give the other person your full attention... . listen and pay attention to what they're saying... . ask them questions on what they want to talk about)

V... . Validate (find a grain of truth in what the other person is saying and mention that... . something that you can relate with. this gives you major brownie points with people!)

E... . easy manner (smile... . don't complain... . keep it light, make jokes if you're funny)

cleotokos-you could use the GIVE acronym with your boyfriend.

There is some info on DBT in the workshops section of the website however I'm not sure if it mentions the GIVE acronym.

Here's the DBT Skills Handbook-if you just scroll down until you get to the "interpersonal effectiveness" section, then you should see the GIVE acronym and more info on it... . www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf

There is also info in the handbook on how to validate.

[musicfan42]

I also meant to say that I feel like I was validated-given love/affection etc-when I was happy however when I was unhappy, I was told to snap out of it basically... . people got impatient with me etc. So I think that I learned acting bubbly=approval whereas acting sad=punishment almost or something... . I worked on becoming calmer and I feel like I get a lot more respect now but sometimes, I get the odd "you're too aloof/cold" remark now which I never would have gotten before. So I can kind of relate to how you're feeling but luckily, I can just revert back to my natural emotional self if someone gives me a comment like that. But I still haven't worked out any kind of balance-I keep wondering how emotionally warm I should be because I would naturally just dive into any relationship and I keep having to hold back... . slow down... . take my time etc. It's really annoying! I feel like I was punished for my emotional warmth in the past whereas now I'm basically being told to be myself! That it's perfectly okay to be chatty etc. Urgh!

[GeekyGirl]

From my experience--ANY strong emotions were bad and any emotions that differed from my mother's were wrong. This seems to go back to splitting and the whole, "If you're not with me, you're against me" mentality that some people with BPD (Queen/Witch types in particular) seem to have.

Just to illustrate this, I'll give an example: when my brother and I were teenagers, back in the early 90's, my parents took us to Disneyland in California. Neither of us was impressed; we'd wanted to see what we had heard about Epcot and the huge park that is Disneyworld in Florida. Being bored teenagers, we agreed that the park wasn't any better than one of the theme parks in the Washington DC area. We wanted to spend more time at the beach or doing some of the Hollywood touristy things. My mother got so angry with us that she stormed off and didn't see us for the rest of the day. My brother and I didn't miss the irony that "The Happiest Place on Earth" brought out a temper tantrum in my mother.

My point is, the reason my mother was so angry is that I didn't feel the same way my mother did. It's not like my brother and I refused to go to Disneyland. We just didn't think it was as amazing as my mother did. As an adult, I probably would have tried to muster up a little more enthusiasm, but at the time my brother and I were being teenagers, and my mother was the adult.

[cleotokos]

Geekygirl, you've hit the nail on the head (at least for my situation).

My mother was a depressed, angry, miserable person. If we (or anyone else) exhibited anything different, it was open to ridicule. The only approved emotions and opinions were that of my mother. She would browbeat us into having the same political views as her as well, and pronounce herself to have encouraged her children to have "open minds" (because of course, anyone with an open mind would come to the same conclusions she did!). If we weren't just like her, she must have perceived it as a rejection of her.

[isshebpd]

"eye contact is so important... . don't fidget... . don't look down at the ground"

musicfan42, those are my major problems in communicating in person. They are all symptoms of my PTSD from child abuse/neglect. Maintaining eye contact, in particular, is very difficult for me. It makes me very uncomfortable. I'm sure people have thought I was disinterested, or even dishonest, when I wasn't. :P

Thanks for resources, I had forgotten about that Carnegie book and I think I will buy it.

[musicfan42]

You're welcome issheBPD

If you find eye contact really hard, then maybe try to focus on a specific point-focus your gaze on the person's hair or jumper or the wall behind etc... . you get the idea. And just put your hands down at the side-don't clench your fist... . just relax your hands. I know these suggestions are probably simplistic but I find that if I'm feeling nervous, then relaxing my body will actually relaxing my mind too.

[super dalit]

I think this is very common.

When a BPD parent, the dominant one, in this case, my father, set a negative tone, we were all expected to follow it. My mom remains to this day one of the most negative people I have ever known.   

I remember that on the few occasions  that my father did take us out to movies, he expected us to sit quietly, not laugh at anything funny, not scream at anything scary, and if we did, we promptly got called down and told to be quiet.

Anything good idea I ever presented was quickly squashed by one or both of them. My mom to this day brings up a negative anytime we talk. And it is rare that we do talk, very rare, but she often begins her response with "*gasp* you're daddy doesn't like that"


Proof therein of BPD's trying to assert their  thinking in place of others.