Really need some emotional support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I separated from my UBPDSO at the end of April, but got back together for a couple of days, then we had a huge fight and he left 11 days ago. I told him if he didn't get help, I couldn't imagine our relationship continuing. He said he didn't want to be brainswashed, etc., same excuses, but just 2 weeks before that, he was very interested in therapy. Anyway, he left, and instead of thanking my lucky stars, I feel devastated. When he left the first time, I was fine. Happy, even. This time, I feel like the walls are caving in. I don't know what made the difference. Anyway, he has cut off all communication, except he answers my email once in awhile, which YES, I did send. I tried to reconcile while holding my ground regarding his needing counseling. So tonight we emailed and he was just giving me single sentence answers, and indicated he really felt better without me, and was doing fine. Always before when he's left he has been a basket case. But now I feel like a basket case. I wrote him again and told him to please pull it together so we can talk or else my feelings might start to change towards him and it would be too late for us. This came from a really sincere place, I was not trying to pressure him. It's just that in order to move on I have to harden my heart towards him. But if we are entertaining the idea of getting back together, I can't.

So, instead of sending it, I just ERASED it, because I realized that if he waits too long and I get over him, that would be in my best interest, so why bother to warn him? I know I am rambling and this is probably really hard to follow. I just feel like I have lost any power I ever had in this relationship and my resolve to leave comes and goes.

[mary_sunshine]

I separated from my UBPDSO at the end of April, but got back together for a couple of days, then we had a huge fight and he left 11 days ago. I told him if he didn't get help, I couldn't imagine our relationship continuing. He said he didn't want to be brainswashed, etc., same excuses, but just 2 weeks before that, he was very interested in therapy. Anyway, he left, and instead of thanking my lucky stars, I feel devastated. When he left the first time, I was fine. Happy, even. This time, I feel like the walls are caving in. I don't know what made the difference. Anyway, he has cut off all communication, except he answers my email once in awhile, which YES, I did send. I tried to reconcile while holding my ground regarding his needing counseling. So tonight we emailed and he was just giving me single sentence answers, and indicated he really felt better without me, and was doing fine. Always before when he's left he has been a basket case. But now I feel like a basket case. I wrote him again and told him to please pull it together so we can talk or else my feelings might start to change towards him and it would be too late for us. This came from a really sincere place, I was not trying to pressure him. It's just that in order to move on I have to harden my heart towards him. But if we are entertaining the idea of getting back together, I can't.

So, instead of sending it, I just ERASED it, because I realized that if he waits too long and I get over him, that would be in my best interest, so why bother to warn him? I know I am rambling and this is probably really hard to follow. I just feel like I have lost any power I ever had in this relationship and my resolve to leave comes and goes.

[VeryFree]

Hi Mary

Tough thing you're going through right now.

I think I know how you feel, because I more or less made the same trip (in a different way). During my 10-yrs marriage I often thought about quiting and thought that would be best. My stbxBPDw would think differently and I stuck by her, trying to help (that was before I knew about BPD).

We were close to getting professional help, something she really wanted for us both, but at that time she arranged the downfall of our marriage: she became violent and filed charges against me.

Before her violence and even after it, I did like you did: writing, talking, trying to get together again. Months of thinking, talking to T, reading on these boards learned me a lot about BPD, but even more about myself: why I was in this r/s, why I desperately wanted to stay with her. I still feel a lot of pain about the loss of my r/s, about the loss of years, about me not able to have a healthy r/s, but every day that passes is one closer to a happy future. A healthy future.

Just to let you know: there are more people that are/were where you are, but evantually there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Use these boards to learn about BPD, but also to learn about you.

Share your story, share your feelings. For me it was a big relieve.

[Validation78]

Hi Mary!

I know what you are going through right now, and how it feels. It's tough, separating our hearts and minds. If you listen to your gut instincts, you will have the right answers to all of your questions, stay or go? Contact him, not contact him? etc. When you are ready to follow your instincts, you will be better able to set your course, and feel better, whatever you do.

While you are sorting things out, take care of yourself. Take a good hard look at where you are and what you want from your life and relationship. Be brutally honest with yourself, plan decide and act. Make decisions that will lead you to a heathy place, and turn to your friends and family for validation and support. Love yourself above all others.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[patientandclear]

Mary:

I think some clarity about what you're doing with the talk about therapy would help here.

Are you setting a real boundary?  Are you saying that you won't be in a r/s with him unless he engages in therapy?  Or are you wanting to stay with him even if he doesn't, and you also want him to get therapy?

Those are really different postures.

If it's the former, a real boundary, then it makes sense to communicate it to him (which you have done) and then leave things there.  You can communicate that you still love him but you are letting him make his own decisions about this and you will accept whichever way he chooses to go on that front, albeit with sadness if the answer is no therapy and thus, no r/s.  If you take this route, you need to follow through.  Boundaries that are announced and then trampled or withdrawn set up a big communications mess for the r/s going forward -- neither person knows if the other person means what they say.

If you mean to set a real boundary, you don't want to confuse the issue by making it sound like you might be open to a r/s without therapy too.

If you do want the r/s regardless of whether he does therapy, then you should clarify that and probably stop talking about therapy.  That's his choice he needs to make for his own reasons.  You pushing it may very well feel like "brainwashing."

I am guessing you are feeling like a basket case because you took a position that you aren't quite comfortable backing up (not being in the r/s unless he would get therapy) and now you kinda want to backpedal and you can't find solid ground under your feet.  I totally understand this.  After my ex broke up with me, he wanted to explore getting back together.  I said I would love to -- if he would explore his issues with intimate relationships and why he exited ours so abruptly and brutally, because I couldn't go through that again (that was before I knew about BPD and the near-inevitability that I would go through that again, therapy or no).

I thought I was being all healthy.  You probably did too when you said what you said a few weeks ago.  I was anticipating, though, that he would respond to my healthy boundary with "gee, that's a good idea, you're so special and what we have is so important that I will totally do that!"

What I hadn't factored in was him looking at my healthy boundary and saying "no thanks" and heading off to get with another woman who wouldn't require him to look at his issues with intimate relationships.  When he did that, it was like a punch in the gut -- "hey, that's not what's supposed to happen!"  And then I spent a lot of time (still do to be honest) regretting that I asked him to do that introspection.  Because I really wasn't ready to lose the r/s over that.

Whether I made the right or wrong choice is a separate question, and whether you are right or wrong to insist on therapy as a requirement for going forward with this guy is a separate question.  I think the answer to why you feel so crappy right now is that you haven't come to terms with the consequences of having set a boundary and yet you did.  So I think  you need to spend some time with yourself being clear on whether therapy really is a deal-breaker for you at this point.  If it is, you've been clear, and you should keep communicating consistent with that -- don't send signals that actually you just want him back no matter what.

If it's not, then, you can tell him you've reconsidered.  Not saying that is the right recipe for long term happiness, but you can certainly change your mind.  Just do it clearly and directly, if that's what's happening, don't muddy the waters by acting like yesterday's boundary is just forgotten and obscuring that you are actually making a new & different decision.