Hello
I´m having some trouble with my uBPDexgf. We dated for 3 months, then she went NC for a month, then we rejoined for 4 or 5 months, and she was absolutely happy. But I sensed that there were some very strange issues regarding reciprocity, empathy, these things everyone here knows what I´m talking about. And I didn´t know about BPD then, so I played the needy, critical, demanding boyfriend, until she broke up and went NC for another month, and got in a messy disregulated state, not being able to eat, almost anorectic. I then came across this community, and learned a lot about her and about me. I´m also in therapy, so I´ve pretty much understood it all about what made me sacrifice may needs, etc. But I really love her, it´s not just about a lonely child messing with an abandoned child.
After a month NC, I initiated contact, she liked it, but she had been all that time in a hyper disregulated state, triggered by the end of our r/s. She was really confused, couldn´t understand if she loved me or not, and couldn´t stop thinking about it, until she got in a really bad shape and needed to get away from me. I tried her to accept to meet me, with a whole different attittude -
[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], acceptance, etc. -, and she accepted, but cancelled again before we met, because just the thought of meeting me again triggered her to feel that everything would repeat, and she´d go through the same suffering she went when she broke up. After that, another guy showed up and she got involved with him, but felt like she was betraying me. I got furious with that, and then it was I who said it was the end of us.
Another month later, I calmed down and called her in fb chat, we had a conversation, and she told me that she didn´t got much involved with the other guy, it was only a kiss, she started crying and cancelled it. But she didn´t tell that to me so that she could get rid of me and have her space. She even told me she got involved with him so that she could get free from me, she said it was like a cry for space.
When we broke up, she told me that she feels some discrepancy in us, something she can´t explain, and that really got me thinking, because I felt that too. Now I´m getting to my 2 questions:
1., I also feel that strange feeling that something is blocked with us. We like each other a lot, we feel great making love, but when we´re just hanging out with each other, there´s something that gets stuck, we sometimes have no conversation and feel like we´re bored, which is very strange, because I absolutely love her, I´m certain of that. I think that this blocking feeling comes from two things: me being insecure and unable to be spontaneous with her, and her having a strange absence in the normal interactions - she doesn´t act like other people, there´s something awkward in her, it´s like she´s only able to tell jokes and be in a superficial style all the time and can´t evolve to other ways of relating, deeper, or more complex, than that. So I feel that I have to be all the time telling jokes, being interesting and creative, or else she won´t "follow me", and she´ll get that feeling of something wrong with us, and she´ll get frightened and run away. Does anyone feel this too?
2., I think she´s different from the conventional pwBPD in that she´s the one who avoids me, and I´m the one who chases her. She´s never been jealous, and she says she´s got some strange disconnection from people, like she can´t feel empathy, simpathy, desire of being with people. I though that maybe she´s got something related to schizoid, or avoidant PD, I don´t know. She has an extreme need to be held and validated, and loved, but it´s like this is so difficult to her, that she somehow chose to be alone. When she relates to people, she always feels like she´s inadequate, and she´s got a passive-agressive rage about people, she needs to diminish them out of her insecurity, and at the same time, she feels guilty about that and acts very submissive with everyone. Her greatest problem is not to be able to say "no" to anyone. She´s really complex... . Does anyone relate to this? Am I "mis-diagnozing" her as BPD?
Anyway, after 4 months, suddenly she´s ok about being with me, she doesn´t get sick with the idea anymore, and we´re seeing each other again. But this time she doesn´t want a commitment, she still feels that maybe there´s something wrong with us. It´s true that we relate better physically than in plain conversation, and sometimes we use it as a means to overcome intimacy difficulties. Yesterday and today we were together, it was very good, we´re both pleased. But I felt again, at some point, that we were stuck, like not having a fluid interaction, not knowing what to say, almost bored with each other, if we´re not having sex. It´s really strange, and I have to understand what happens with us there, why can´t I relate to her as easy as with other people. She´s very inteligent, very creative, very everyhing, but it seems like that she can´t just hangout and enjoing the company, it´s like she gets bored and needs some extraordinary thing to happen, some very funny jokes, some very interesting games and seduction, or else she just stands there feeling bored. Please help me understand: is it possible that we both feel so good about each other but that are not meant to each other? Or is this the PD blocking our intimacy?
Thank you and sorry for the long post
