Any Advice for Mum to be with uBPD Mum?

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Everyone! This place has been so good at helping me get though my therapy and learning to cope with my uBPD Mum i thought id check in with you all on some advice!

My husband and I are trying to get pregnant and are in the early stages, you know check ups, going off birth control and all that. My mother has expressed quite bluntly many times that she "doesnt want to be a grandmother". She is completely crazy. She ruined my wedding completely. Everything that should have been fun and exciting, like dress shopping and menu tasting turned into a huge horrible fight and I wasnt able to enjoy anything it all. The day itself was a disaster and she was a complete nightmare!

I know that she will see a pregnancy as a total attack on her. Even me saying i spent the afternoon with a friend with a baby sets her off! How should i handle it? Is there anyone else in a similar situation whos been through it? We are LC at the moment after a huge rage episode. I see all my friends getting pregnant and having these amazing months with their family and mums and i just know that i wont get that. It hurts so much looking at friends weddings and their photos where everyone is having an amazing time and all i got was insults and fighting and drama! I dont want a pregnancy to be the same. I have so much regret and grief over my wedding day, and i feel like i was robbed of so many happy moments.

Ive been in therapy for quite some time and im coming to grips with the fact that i will never have the mother i want, that at best ill have a relationship thats rigid in boundaries and lovelessness. I have a great bevvy of women around me who love me and support me, but at the end of the day im still going to have to deal with uBPD mum!

Do i tell her we're trying? Or wait until we are pregnant and 12 weeks? Either way there will be some imagined slight in either of these. Do i tell her were trying and get the fight out of the way early?

[GeekyGirl]

I can see why you're nervous about telling your mother.

I have a hunch that since your mother is already making comments about being a grandmother, she likely already has considered that you are trying to conceive. Has she told you why she has these strong feelings? If you have some insight, it might help you plan out the "I'm pregnant" conversation you're dreading.

It's so easy (and natural) to feel some envy when you see your friends and their mothers.   I completely get that. What's good, though, is that you recognize that you do have other women to help you. It's not a substitute for a supportive mother, but having others to role model good mothering behavior and give you some support will go a long way.

When to tell your mother? That'a a tough call. What would be the benefit in telling her that you're TTC now? How would you react to her criticism and comments?

I wish you and your DH the best of luck! This is an exciting time for both of you--regardless of how things go with your mother.

[Cordelia]

I know that she will see a pregnancy as a total attack on her. Even me saying i spent the afternoon with a friend with a baby sets her off! How should i handle it? Is there anyone else in a similar situation whos been through it?

Wow, if I were you I would also be extremely hesitant about sharing much of anything baby-related with your mother.  At the VERY least I would wait until the 12 week mark.  Why have a fight about something that's still in such an early precious stage, when you need calm and a feeling of safety more than ever?  I would strongly consider not telling her at all, if that's an option.  My mom's attitude was just the opposite of yours (she always said she couldn't WAIT til I got pregnant, offered to come stay with us and provide free childcare, etc., but always with this creepy "that baby will be mine more than yours" attitude) and I made the decision not to inform her of my pregnancy at all.  We weren't speaking anyway, before I got pregnant, but I did rethink things when I found out I was expecting, but ultimately came to the same conclusion.  Unfortunately people like your mom and mine are dangerous, especially to children.  Think how she was with you when you were small and then decide if it's good for your future kids to be around someone like that.  Once I started thinking in those terms - that now I'm going to be a mother and it's up to me to create a safe environment for my kids the best way that I can - the decision was actually easy.  Not emotionally easy (I still wish I had the kind of motherly support during pregnancy and the early years of parenthood that some people get), but the right decision was clear. 

I think for whatever reason BPDs start acting out in more extreme ways when their children become parents.  I've seen that even with my enDad (who is separated from my mom, and I still speak to), and I can only imagine how it would be with my mom.  It will be a time for you to set new boundaries to keep yourself and your growing family safe, and renegotiate the relationship with your mom in some ways.  Unfortunately if my experience is any example it will be difficult.  Get lots of support from other people in your life - friends, inlaws, siblings, other family, whoever you are close to - so that you don't miss the opportunity to just openheartedly celebrate the arrival of a new soul in the world and a new chapter of your life, the way it should be celebrated! 

Wishing you good health and many good experiences along this journey!

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi GG and Cordelia,

GG, all my life, even when i was a child (actually, come to think of it mostly when i was a child) all i have heard from my mother is "dont have kids, they will ruin your life, dont get married, all men are scum, they will cheat on you and your kids will just break your heart" to me! HER CHILD! Not so many months ago she lost it after i mentioned i had been at the park with a friend and her baby. She said that she didnt want to be a grandmother, that i had always said i wouldnt have kids (i was always the pacifier, i always agreed with her) and that i couldnt go back on my word.

I agree with you both, not is not the time. Cordelia, i have been told by my therapist that she is so extreme that i wouldnt be able to leave any babies or children with her. I know its going to be a nightmare, but you always kinda hope it will be different. But i know it wont be.

This woman has made my physically ill in the past. My doctor thought i had a brain tumor i was so sick from the stress of dealing with her. I cant even imagine trying to deal with that while pregnant! I would love to not tell her but im not sure it would be worth the fallout.

Thanks for the advice and support! Its such a blessing x

[GeekyGirl]

GG, all my life, even when i was a child (actually, come to think of it mostly when i was a child) all i have heard from my mother is "dont have kids, they will ruin your life, dont get married, all men are scum, they will cheat on you and your kids will just break your heart" to me!

Oh my goodness, that's a very hurtful thing to tell your child!

The good thing here is that you're an adult and you can now decide whether or not to have children. You will not have the same experience your mother did; that's just not possible. It sounds like you've thought things through and you're taking some very healthy steps towards raising a family. 

Cordelia, i have been told by my therapist that she is so extreme that i wouldnt be able to leave any babies or children with her.

I have to tell you, that's been a challenge for me. Many of my friends have supportive parents, and they leave their children with their parents all the time. It's much harder for us to have a date night, as we need to find a sitter or ask a friend to babysit DS (my in-laws are 300 miles away). I'm sure that my parents would watch DS, but we (DH, me and my T) all agree that leaving DS alone with my parents is a bad idea.

Keep us posted on how you're doing!

[Islandgrl]

Hi nonBPDaughter

My view would be to hold off as long as possible from telling her.  You've got to take care of yourself particularly when trying to conceive.  I know it's exciting and that can make you want to tell everyone you can but I think it's just not a good idea to share these things with a BPD, especially when your mm has such a negative reaction.  I would wait till well past 12 weeks - maybe 18 or so when you will start to show.  That way you can enjoy the experience and deal with any negatives without the additional stress of your mothers behaviour. 

I am pregnant at the moment but i Haven't yet told my mom (Iam 24 weeks ).  I don't live in the same country as my mom at the moment so I'm going to hold off as long as I can  as my mom does her best to ruin things for me like yours does.  It's tempting in a way to tell her - because I always hope somewhere in me that she will change and even though she was horribly abusive I want her to love be and be proud of me.  But I'm at the stage now where I accept that I don't have the mom that my friends have, I have my mom.  I'm not going to give her the chance to ruin this experience for me or to hurt me or my child.  My sister and brother are enmeshed (brother was probably all good child but sister was also given some degree of all good treatment although both took their share of abuse) so they may try to make me feel guilty for minimising contact but I am going to try to keep firm to what I want and to try to ensure I don't end up doing something I'm not comfortable with. 

[mcdoogle]

We actually got secretly married before the wedding because I was afraid my mom would ruin it somehow. She found out I was pregnant rather early as morning sickness was severe and I couldn't hide that while out with her! But if I had to do it all over again, she would not have been involved in my wedding plans (I was actually diagnosed with a form of heart palpitations during that time!) and I would have not told her about the pregnancy until I was over the early hormonal roller coaster.

It sounds like you live near your mom. The pregnancy is not the only part to think about. The birth! I've heard some horror stories about crazy mom's demanding to be part of the birthing process. I had prepared myself for this, but just to be unpredictable, my mom claimed she was too busy to come see me while I was in labor. I had already asked that no one beside my husband be allowed in the room. Any respectable birthing place will let you make a list of people to be there.

Good luck! 

[jase]

The birth! I've heard some horror stories about crazy mom's demanding to be part of the birthing process.

When my nephew was born, my uBPD mother was caught trying to sneak into the delivery room (my sister clearly told her she didn't want her in there with her) and she was thrown out by hospital staff.

Regarding babysitting, my sister is in that same quandary.  It's easy for her to drop my now-three year-old nephew off at her house (she only allows him to go when my enStepdad is there), but she's really getting concerned about her behavior around him.  She's gradually reducing the amount of time he spends with her, which is going to cause drama in itself - my mother has no boundaries and has completely over-reached WRT my nephew and his upbringing.

Sad, really.

[Cordelia]

The birth! I've heard some horror stories about crazy mom's demanding to be part of the birthing process.

When my nephew was born, my uBPD mother was caught trying to sneak into the delivery room (my sister clearly told her she didn't want her in there with her) and she was thrown out by hospital staff.

Regarding babysitting, my sister is in that same quandary.  It's easy for her to drop my now-three year-old nephew off at her house (she only allows him to go when my enStepdad is there), but she's really getting concerned about her behavior around him.  She's gradually reducing the amount of time he spends with her, which is going to cause drama in itself - my mother has no boundaries and has completely over-reached WRT my nephew and his upbringing.

YES.  The stuff I've heard on these boards have made me EXTREMELY leery of letting my mother into my life when my kids are small in any way.  Everything from lawsuits being filed to take custody of the children away from their parents, to "simple" undermining of the relationship between the parents and the children through lies and manipulation.  I can all too easily imagine how my mom would behave around my kids (mostly on the spectrum of over-possessiveness, undermining parents' decisions, and being overly affectionate towards the kids when they are tiny only to abruptly turn on them once they start showing signs of independent thought would be my guesses in my own particular situation) and I just don't want that in my life or my kids' at all.  They don't deserve to be exposed to that kind of behavior, and neither do I.  My kids will have plenty of people in that generation who love them in their lives; I doubt they'll miss having a psycho bio-grandmother around. 

[NonBPDaughter]

Thanks everyone for the support! i really appreciate the advice, sounds like the best thing would be to wait until as late as possible to tell her.

She is just horrible. She wont be a possessive interfering grand mother, she will go the other way... . she will refuse to participate, create dramas and be generally aggressive. I dont think ill have to worry about her during the birth, like the engagement and the wedding, she will probably go out of her way not to show up! She will be put out and not want to be involved at all.

Mcdoogle, luckily we live on opposite side of the country, it keeps her physically at a distance. She would like to move close but has got herself in a bit of a bad situation financially and work wise.

Thanks again for the advice everyone! And good luck to you all in your own journeys. xx

[aubin]

Dear nonBPDdaughter,

I also recommend waiting as long as you can before telling your mom about the pregnancy. I waited until I was 16 weeks (and had started showing). Now I'm 36 weeks and am a bit nostalgic about the days before my mother knew about my pregnancy. Since she's known, she's decided to be "involved" which means calling me each week and being quite unsupportive in many ways. The worst thing: when I told her I was pregnant, she insisted on throwing a baby shower. I was against it originally but finally relented. Well, the shower never happened. She basically disappeared for a few months, then claimed that she never agreed to organize the shower but only agreed to host it at her house. Then she decided she wants to throw a shower again, but this one taking place one week before I'm due and at her house, which is a 5 hour drive from my house. I said no. Now she's talking about throwing a shower a month after the baby is born. Ugh. She also told me several times she didn't want to be present at birth but now is pushing to be there now that she knows I have other family members who will visit around my due date. It's all very frustrating but I'm trying to keep as distanced from her emotional manipulations as much as possible.

My therapist has suggested that I go on LC with my mother while setting firmer boundaries with her regarding my child.  I've also been drawing on the support of friends and other family members as much as possible. One of the hardest parts of being my mother's daughter is that she isolated me so much in her BPD bubble when I was a child, that I didn't really learn to accept support from other people and ask for help from others. Rather, I constantly turned to her even though she never gave me the support i needed. The challenge now, especially with becoming a mother myself, is to learn to draw from my support network of friends and family and not worry about what my mother will feel/say/think/do.

Ok, that was rambling a bit. But maybe a little bit of my story might help you.

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Aubin,

Thanks so much for sharing. I hope you dont have too much stress during your final stages. I know what you mean about asking for and accepting help. Im realising now, as i work through dealing with my mother in therapy, just how much she affected me and in ways that i never noticed. I am so hopeless in social situations, and i take even the most minor thing from my girlfriends to heart, i am so totally stressed out by change- the years of chaos by my mum and the constant parade of friends and boyfriends and apartments and jobs i can never keep up with her! As a result even the smallest change in plans , like changing dinner times stresses me out! Im getting better at dealing with this, and mu husband helps but its a challenge!

its such a mixture of emotions, and i know you all have been through it all. Its such a beautiful happy exciting thing but we always have this big black cloud floating over us threatening us at any minute! We are not really tallking much at the moment. After a huge rage episode, i have been staying away. She doesnt feel like she should have to call my sister and i, that its our duty as daughters to make the effort all the time. The funny thing is when i send her a text or call her i am met with short one or two word responses to anything! theres absolutely no engagement from her on any level whatsoever! My therapist tells me that she is doing this to punish me for my boundaries and to try and initiate a rescue response from me! (no chance).

Even though i am not yet pregnant, just trying, i do think ahead to that phone call, how weird it will be after hardly speaking for many months, and i absolutely dread the aftermath. A lot of her friends dont see her crazy, but maybe i think this will highlight to them and her that theres a problem. If her reactions to other happy events in my life are anything to go by... . world war three is coming! There wont be any offers of a baby shower!

I wish you luck too aubin! xx