Late night meltdown :(

[mango_flower]

I'm just so tired of this.

7 months out.  I'm living life.  Hanging out with friends, getting stuck into work, playing sports.

I don't have time to think about her as much, and I have good days.

But when the bad days come, they're no easier. 

Tonight I'm just sitting here with tears running down my face. 

I checked an old email account tonight, as I signed up for a website with it.  There was an email from her, from about 3 weeks ago.  She must have sent it there by mistake, as I stopped using it about 3 months after we got together.

She had emailed to say she'd been reading back over our old emails and they made her sad as we were both so sweet in them.  But that it had helped her realise she'd made the right choice.

a) I'm frustrated as I just don't understand that logic at all.   If our emails were so sweet that they made her sad, how can that have reaffirmed her choice?

b) I'm crying my eyes out because the email was actually really sweet, told me she hopes I have a good future.

c) I'm heartbroken that she is shutting down that account - I'd never do that - I like keepsakes and stuff, clearly I mean nothing and what we had means nothing.

d) I'm devastated that she isn't regretting her choice one bit.  There was always a little bit of me that hoped she'd always wonder what if, and see me as the one who got away (selfish of me I suppose)

I'm just a bit of a mess tonight.

[Sango216]

Hello mango_flower!

I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad night. I'm going to tell you something that a friend of mine told me.  You've set the bar very high for your ex.  From here on out, whoever she dates won't be as wonderful, understanding, or as loving as you.  It takes a lot to be with a pwBPD.  She may not realize it today, tomorrow, or next week.  It could be years from now, but eventually she will see what a great person she missed out on.  By then, you'll have moved on. 

Sending hugs your way!   

[mango_flower]

Thanks Sango   

Unfortunately (fortunately?) she is already engaged to her new girlfriend.  Who seems just as understanding, loving and compassionate.  And boy does that hurt.

I don't understand how she does it! x

[Sango216]

I'm sorry.  In that case, I'd pray for the two of them and hope that their relationship does not face the same challenges that yours did (even though I know the chances of that happening are slim).  That's what I'm doing with mine.  It hurts to see them with other people, but we must remember that unless they face their own personal issues, it will be difficult for them to sustain a healthy relationship.

[Bananas]

Hi mango_flower,

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug   as I had a similar experience with my ex about a month ago and it also caused me to have a meltdown.  

A similar email filled with sweetness yet reaffirming our breakup, and then the next day he returned a painting I had made for him of his dog after she died.  That one hurt.  I would have at least thought he would have wanted that keepsake as it was his dog.

So yeah, a, b, c & d as you listed above.  And my ex is also already engaged after less than 3 months.  You are not alone.  I hope you feel a little better in knowing that.  

[expos]

And my ex is also already engaged after less than 3 months.  You are not alone.  I hope you feel a little better in knowing that.  

I hate to be harsh, but I have to laugh after reading this. 

Engaged 3 months after you split up?  What a trainwreck in the making.  That is some seriously disordered thinking.  I know it hurts, but it is not a matter if this new relationship fails, it's WHEN this relationship fails.   

You dodged a bullet bananas, you'll be OK in the long run.   

[recoil]

I think I asked my ex to marry me approximately three months after we started dating.  I was so head-over-heels in love with her.  Did that engagement work out?  Nope.

Funny how many people have this disorder and are so alike.  You'd think we're all talking about the same person.

Luckily for us, we are out of the relationship.  Embrace that and enjoy.  We get to move on to better things. 

[me757]

My ex also got engaged 3 months after we broke up. There are a lot of looming train wrecks... . One day you will be so glad you got out. Hope you feel better.

[Bananas]

And my ex is also already engaged after less than 3 months.  You are not alone.  I hope you feel a little better in knowing that.  

I hate to be harsh, but I have to laugh after reading this. 

Engaged 3 months after you split up?  What a trainwreck in the making.  That is some seriously disordered thinking.  I know it hurts, but it is not a matter if this new relationship fails, it's WHEN this relationship fails.   

You dodged a bullet bananas, you'll be OK in the long run.   

Thanks.  Reading your post, admittedly, made me laugh a little too.  It does seem very disordered when I look at it objectively.     

[Mr Bean]

My ex just got married a few days ago after 3 months she told me she got someone new. We had been together for 3.5 years. Yeah they are so alike. The funny thing sometimes i think they would live happily ever after and the disorder would be gone 

Am still devastated though

[Bach Cantatas]

When down, I sometimes try to mentally place myself in the position of the person who had a relationship with my BPD sufferer before we both encountered each other. It sometimes amuses me to think that, if he had experiences similar to my own, he was silently cheering me on (if he ever learned of my existence and early involvement with her) as I drew her further from him! I certainly have similar feelings myself, now I am in his shoes... .

Of course I miss the joy and happiness that we here all remember in the "Idealisation" phase, but I like to remind myself that I was but one link in a chain that extends far back before I encountered her and will sadly continue far into the future. I try to see this episode of my life a simply one that I will learn from. 

[clairedair]

Hey mango_flower

I am so sorry about this latest e-mail. 

I've had several letters/e-mails/phone calls like this. - from past experience, my ex writes this kind of thing (sweet but still managing to tell you that you weren't up to scratch somehow) to reassure himself that he's made right choice in leaving and to assuage guilt. 

It might make some sense if you had been begging her to come back but you have done the opposite (which might actually be part of what's behind her message - wanting you to react?) 

And why do it if she really is happy in new relationship?

We're human - no-one likes to have to read this kind of thing even when logically we know that it says more about the author than the reader.  Keep reminding yourself of your reality - don't buy into her 'reality'.

and to the others... .

my ex is getting married this week to someone he started seeing 6 months ago and was engaged to within 3.  What is it about the 3-month mark?  I've been OK but starting to struggle a little last night so it was reassuring to come here and remind myself that so many others have had the same experience.  I haven't met her yet but I honestly think I will thank her (and give her a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells as a wedding present... . )

[GreenMango]

Mango to Mango - her emails and the contradictions aren't going to make sense. It could take years to fully understand the dynamics of the disorder and the only thing you end up with is an understanding of the disorder.   

Acceptance is hard.

Here's something to consider - since you've already been exposed to these emails - is sweep all your accountants for her emails and delete them.  All of them.  And block her address on all these emails accounts.  And take those picture and put em I'm a box duck tape it closed and squirrel that bugger away.  It's hurting you to see these things.

Sometimes we have to be more protective of our own emotional health and it takes doing things like not looking at these things until we are over it.

[Mr Bean]

This 3 months mark, i have started to think if its a coincidence or they all usually get engaged or married within 3 months 

[mango_flower]

Mine got engaged at the 3 month mark also! (I didn't mention that in my original post).  Wow.  What is it about the 3 month mark?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I don't know why this hit me so hard.  I guess it's like a slap in the face, because there wasn't anything I did wrong! Yet I still wasn't good enough in her eyes.

So many beautiful, sweet emails.  She read those words right off the page, went through them all apparently - we'd both laid our hearts bare - yet it affirmed to her that she'd made the right choice.

That is what hurts... . and I guess the fact that she seems happy with her decision, when I am still scared about life, nervous for my future, distrustful of people... . like she is walking away scot free with a clear conscience, and I am still in pain.  And that hurts. x

[leftbehind]

Yeah, Mango Flower, I hear you.  My ex seems happy as a pig in sh**, as he moves on with his life.  Maybe he is the one that will get off scott free.  But the next girl will most likely experience what I experienced:

*Amazing times in the beginning, full of love, sex, romance, and compassion

*Then at a certain point, he will stop initiating sex, making her wonder if she still has his interest.

*After that, he'll start to dissociate, becoming spacey, ungrounded, and act like a little kid that doesn't like to be touched.

*She'll notice him adding more and more female friends on facebook, and wonder who these women are and what place they have in his life.

*Next he'll start to drink excessively & shut down emotionally, while continuing to be friendly and charming to her in a superficial way.  

*He will change something drastic about his (choose one) diet, wardrobe, spiritual and/or political beliefs when he starts to mirror someone else.  She'll begin to have a funny feeling, but won't be able to pin down what's happening.

*He'll continue to see her/sleep with her/tell her he loves her, but somehow she'll feel he's "not really there."

*Finally, he'll break it off, throw out all her stuff, unfriend her on facebook, cut all ties, and the only explanation she'll get is that he had a "Spiritual Shift" and their energies don't match anymore.  

If she's anything like me, she'll then wonder what the heck she did, blame herself, felt like she lost the love of her life, and end up entering therapy to deal with the trauma of the breakup.  She'll end up avoiding people, places and things that remind her of her beloved.  

He'll then move on to the next one, and be happy as a pig in sh**.

Repeat *Repeat* Repeat... .

[patientandclear]

I've had several letters/e-mails/phone calls like this. - from past experience, my ex writes this kind of thing (sweet but still managing to tell you that you weren't up to scratch somehow) to reassure himself that he's made right choice in leaving and to assuage guilt. 

It might make some sense if you had been begging her to come back but you have done the opposite (which might actually be part of what's behind her message - wanting you to react?) 

And why do it if she really is happy in new relationship?

Claire is right.  From the distance we have and you don't (because we are not the recipient): she is writing it for the same reason she got the new girl's name tattooed on her arm -- to try to assure herself she did the right thing, made the right choice, this time it will stick.  Obviously there are some things that don't add up in her mind, pre-eminently how sweet you two were with each other and how happy she was with you.  Um -- yeah, that's a problem with her current story of having found The One or the The Real One or The New One.

She seems really fixated on getting you to agree that what happened was OK.  My ex was that way too.  He couldn't (and can't -- currently out of touch for months because I am not agreeing with a choice he made that affected our relationship) deal with my lack of agreement that he's managing his relationship choices well.  I don't go out of my way to communicate disapproval, but when asked, I have shared my view that he is losing something important, and he really doesn't appreciate that.

I think your stance -- that you are neither trying to mess with her choices nor are you affirming them -- makes it very hard for her to be sure she is doing the right thing.  So she is trying to poke you into either blessing her decision, thus relieving guilt; or taking a persecutor stance in the Karpman Triangle, where you profess your true love and want her back and pursue her (saying things like "yeah, it was really good between us, why are you making this stupid choice? we belong together!" so she can reject you and solidify her current course.

All you need to take from this is that she did make a poor decision, one which was both self-destructive and very harmful to you; and she is not comfortable with where she's at now.  Undoubtedly this is exacerbated by the "engagement" and coming pressure to commit to that new relationship in a real way.  Engagement is a promise, which pwBPD are pretty good at.  Marriage is an action conforming with a promise, which is a whole different ball game.

She is incompetent at relationships.  I would not want to be the current woman, that is for sure.  Can you imagine how bad she'd feel if she knew how much emotionally fraught communication your ex has been launching your way in the past few weeks?

[Changed4safety]

My ex is 30, and has been engaged four times.  In our last few months living together, he put the pressure on to get me to marry him, but I kept hesitating--I have been divorced and I just knew somewhere deep in my soul that this wasn't going to work.  Maybe it was the over a dozen women online he cheated on me with, or the fact that he refused to get a job ($100K GONE in four years taking care of him... . that I really didn't have... . ), or the fact that he was violent and destroyed things, or the fact that he choked me three times. 

I left but we recycled for a year.  When he finally begged me to come back and give us another chance, claiming I was "the one" and he would "come if I ever called for him" etc. etc. and I refused a final time, he started seeing someone the next day.  And suddenly there are no more friendly texts, I've dropped off the planet.  He "accidentally" forwarded a text about how great his life was and how "my lady friend said some nice things about me." and then apologized if it "triggered" me.  He assured me it was "casual."  Two weeks later he is bragging about how "my girlfriend" was on Jeopardy.  (She won... . 30K... . enough to keep him happy for a year or so... . )  I had to learn this on his FB.  What a punch to the gut.

What hurt about that was not that he has someone, but that he is claiming her.  He refused to acknowledge me (and without giving too much away, I am a moderate celebrity in an entertainment field we are both interested in) for, actually years.  (I was older than he was.)  Even then, he never bragged about me on his page.  Each time the "girlfriend" bomb has dropped on his page, it's after he's tried to initiate "friendly" contact and I haven't responded.  Wonder if there's a connection or if I'm reading too much in it.

Therapist thinks I am hurting over the lack of acknowledgement--I was in his life four years, supported him completely, forgave him for cheating, funded his hobbies, and this girl is suddenly "my girlfriend" for being on Jeopardy. 

Sorry, hijacked--but wanted you to know that there's yet another person out there who is stunned at how quickly and seemingly completely they can just stop "loving you forever."

[mango_flower]

Wow Leftbehind - seems you know his patterns well!  My ex was totally different to that and I know nothing about her past really, I wish I did, maybe then I could feel reassured that it was just a cycle... . but who knows!  You do wonder how happy they are when they lay there in bed at night though, just in their own head... . and I'm betting not very!

Patient and Clear - again, you have a way with words and just like your username, that post was well worded and made intuitive sense to me.  Thank you.  I guess I'll never know where she's at in her head.  I tell you though, if I could have one wish (other than world peace, health for everyone etc) it would be an hour of my ex taking veritaserum (the truth serum in Harry Potter!) and me being able to ask her whatever I wanted... . that would be amazing... . !  Thanks for the different take on this, I feel slightly heartened now

Changed4safety - Thank you for sharing your story!   I totally get that - before my ex deleted me off facebook, she flaunted her new relationship ALL over it.  Knowing I could see everything.  She quite often wrote something along the lines of "Awesome day today with my wonderful girl, love her loads" or something, as a status, but she took this to a whole new level.  Every profile picture was of the two of them together - she didn't do that with me either!  Ouch.  It hurts when you gave your all and somebody else gets to be the nice shiny new toy! 

[clairedair]

I tell you though, if I could have one wish (other than world peace, health for everyone etc) it would be an hour of my ex taking veritaserum (the truth serum in Harry Potter!) and me being able to ask her whatever I wanted... . that would be amazing... . ! 

I don't know if this would actually help because it would depend which hour you chose! 

I don't think my ex ever really lied to me.  When he said I was the one he wanted to be with, that was the truth.  Next morning, the truth would be that he had only reconciled with me because he thought it was the right thing to do/for the kids' sake etc.  In addition, if I asked him why he had done something a month ago, he would not necessarily remember it (especially if it was something very hurtful).

I feel that he cast the Confudo charm on me:

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_spells_in_Harry_Potter

    Description: Causes the victim to become confused, befuddled, overly forgetful and prone to follow simple orders without thinking about them.

[clairedair]

Had to add this one too given our discussion of how we felt we were 'hidden' only to find the new partner is paraded to friends, family and Facebook

Disillusionment Charm -     Description: Causes the target to become invisible, or close to it.

[confetti]

Yeah, Mango Flower, I hear you.  My ex seems happy as a pig in sh**, as he moves on with his life.  Maybe he is the one that will get off scott free.  But the next girl will most likely experience what I experienced:

*Amazing times in the beginning, full of love, sex, romance, and compassion

*Then at a certain point, he will stop initiating sex, making her wonder if she still has his interest.

*After that, he'll start to dissociate, becoming spacey, ungrounded, and act like a little kid that doesn't like to be touched.

*She'll notice him adding more and more female friends on facebook, and wonder who these women are and what place they have in his life.

*Next he'll start to drink excessively & shut down emotionally, while continuing to be friendly and charming to her in a superficial way.  

*He will change something drastic about his (choose one) diet, wardrobe, spiritual and/or political beliefs when he starts to mirror someone else.  She'll begin to have a funny feeling, but won't be able to pin down what's happening.

*He'll continue to see her/sleep with her/tell her he loves her, but somehow she'll feel he's "not really there."

*Finally, he'll break it off, throw out all her stuff, unfriend her on facebook, cut all ties, and the only explanation she'll get is that he had a "Spiritual Shift" and their energies don't match anymore.  

If she's anything like me, she'll then wonder what the heck she did, blame herself, felt like she lost the love of her life, and end up entering therapy to deal with the trauma of the breakup.  She'll end up avoiding people, places and things that remind her of her beloved.  

He'll then move on to the next one, and be happy as a pig in sh**.

Repeat *Repeat* Repeat... .

While I'm sure some people have a different story, mine was exactly like this.

It's comforting I guess to not feel like the only person in such an isolated situation, it really wasn't too unique at all, apparently.

That's still really hard to hear. I might cry.

Mango ~ you sound wonderful and I hope you're doing okay since you posted this.

[Changed4safety]

Mango_flower, thanks for your kind words.  Hm... . maybe we should all study Defense Against the Dark Arts... .  

[mango_flower]

I am loving the Harry Potter references! (I'm a massive fan!)

Just an update in case anyone is still following:

Today she emailed to my WORK email (yes, boundaries, hello!).  And she basically said that as I haven't replied to her emails she will assume I am ignoring her and if I don't reply tonight then she will get rid of my stuff.

Urgh.

I'm still not engaging though.  My dignity is worth more, I will not be blackmailed or manipulated into replying.

She told me she didn't want to be friends.  She deleted me from facebook.  She hasn't repaid my money.  That makes it pretty clear to me. 

[schwing]

Hi Mango_flower,

Today she emailed to my WORK email (yes, boundaries, hello!).  And she basically said that as I haven't replied to her emails she will assume I am ignoring her and if I don't reply tonight then she will get rid of my stuff.

Urgh.

I'm still not engaging though.  My dignity is worth more, I will not be blackmailed or manipulated into replying.

I would write off your stuff as in the long haul it will be used as a string she can tug on whenever it suits her.  Maybe, if you get lucky, she'll return it if you catch her in a good mood.  Still, I would bet that even when she threatens to get rid of your stuff, it is a bluff (unless she impulsively decides to do so to spite you).

Mine got engaged at the 3 month mark also! (I didn't mention that in my original post).  Wow.  What is it about the 3 month mark?

How long does it take for infatuation to peak?  How well do we really know someone before 3 months of time spent together?  At what point does real intimacy and familiarity start developing?  How long does it take for a person with BPD (pwBPD) before their disordered feelings (i.e., fear of abandonment) start to kick in?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I don't know why this hit me so hard.  I guess it's like a slap in the face, because there wasn't anything I did wrong! Yet I still wasn't good enough in her eyes.

Whether or not you were "good enough" is just her rationalization.  Actually I wonder if it's your rationalization of her behavior.  You didn't do anything wrong.  But her disorder is running unchecked.  She left you because her disorder drove her to leave you.  And the way she chooses to interpret her disordered behavior and feelings is to blame you.

So many beautiful, sweet emails.  She read those words right off the page, went through them all apparently - we'd both laid our hearts bare - yet it affirmed to her that she'd made the right choice.

As I see it, she sees it as a right choice because on paper you presented one way (i.e., beautiful, sweet, etc... . ) but in her mind, you presented another way (i.e., she believed at her core that you were going to abandon her).  And so in her mind, you were duplicitous.  And so it was the right decision to leave you.  Right now (I assume) her disordered feelings have not begun to overwhelm her with her current attachment, and so she believes that she has made the right choice.  Until the right choice becomes the wrong choice, and she will need to have her tattoo surgically altered... . it is just a matter of time.  Although some people (nons) are more tolerant of painful situations than others (some people will last a lot longer in an unhappy relationship than others) -- I was with my uexBPDgf for about five years.

That is what hurts... . and I guess the fact that she seems happy with her decision, when I am still scared about life, nervous for my future, distrustful of people... . like she is walking away scot free with a clear conscience, and I am still in pain.  And that hurts. x

I think you are in pain, because she hurt you.  She is happy with her decision because she lives in a kind of delusion.  :)elusional people can seem happier than rational people... . at times.  Is her conscience clear?  Is she really scot free?  She still has to live with and deal with her disorder.

I'm just so tired of this.

7 months out.  I'm living life.  Hanging out with friends, getting stuck into work, playing sports.

I don't have time to think about her as much, and I have good days.

But when the bad days come, they're no easier.  

Tonight I'm just sitting here with tears running down my face.  

I checked an old email account tonight, as I signed up for a website with it.  There was an email from her, from about 3 weeks ago.  She must have sent it there by mistake, as I stopped using it about 3 months after we got together.

This is one of the reasons why so many non's choose to go N.C. (no contact).  The chances are high that the outcome of any kind of contact we get from our exBPD loved ones will always result in pain.  And what are we holding out for, when we do hope for some kind of positive contact?  I think we are holding out for a spontaneous cure; that they will suddenly come to their senses and no longer be disordered.  I think it is just as likely that they will spontaneous combust.

She had emailed to say she'd been reading back over our old emails and they made her sad as we were both so sweet in them.  But that it had helped her realise she'd made the right choice.

a) I'm frustrated as I just don't understand that logic at all.   If our emails were so sweet that they made her sad, how can that have reaffirmed her choice?

She's leaving out part of her thinking.  Probably because that part of her thinking is the most disordered part: her disordered fear that you will abandoned her.  Why put it out there when it can be easily refuted by evidence?  The feeling is in her "gut."  She doesn't need proof for it.  But neither will she subject it to any kind of scrutiny.

b) I'm crying my eyes out because the email was actually really sweet, told me she hopes I have a good future.

It is sweet now, perhaps because she doesn't know exactly how to feel about you.  Before reading those e-mails, she was devaluing you.  But after reading them, how could she devalue you?  So she wishes you well.  It makes no sense... . to someone without BPD.  For non-disordered people, attachments don't evaporate into thin air.  For pwBPD, it sort of does.  :)on't interpret it as some kind of judgement towards you, it has nearly nothing to do with you.  It is part of the disorder.

c) I'm heartbroken that she is shutting down that account - I'd never do that - I like keepsakes and stuff, clearly I mean nothing and what we had means nothing.

You are heartbroken.  :)o take care of yourself.  Healing from a broken heart is not trivial.

Again, for someone who is non-disordered, the keepsakes and memories and attachment, do not just go away.  But for pwBPD it can and does, and as I understand it, it has to do with their lack of object constancy.  My understanding is that for pwBPD, they are in a sense still working on their attachment to their parents (their object).  For non-disordered people, we learned at an early age that our parents are specific individuals.  And that we would not expect to be nurtured or taken care of by someone we didn't recognize to be our parents.  I'd argue that pwBPD didn't quite make it to this stage of their emotional development.

If you look at infants at an early age, you might see that their attachment isn't quite the same as toddlers at a later stage of development where if they lose sight of their parents, you'd think they were abandoned.  But as they develop further, they develop a greater tolerance for being further and further away from their parents.  To the point where even if the parents are not in sight, they are still ok because they trust that mom or dad will be back soon.

Well for pwBPD, their emotional development got stick somewhere in between.  In a sense, they've never internalized the security of knowing that mom and dad are just around the corner, even though they can't see them.  This is why they go through that enmeshment stage in our BPD relationships: where they cannot tolerate not being with you all the time, or at least not knowing where you are all the time.  In a sense, at that stage of our relationships, we are their externalized mom and dad.  To the rest of the world, they seem normal... . but only because they have a mom and dad at that time (i.e., us).

So while your gf was with you, you were virtually the most important person in the entire world to her... . at that time.  But at the same time, as you became more important to her, you also started to remind her of that abandonment trauma that she did suffer as an toddler.  And her fear of abandonment began to dominate her, until it made more sense to her to look for a new mom and dad, than to tolerate her disorder feelings (or even make sense off them) while with you.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, she's behaving now as if you meant nothing to her.  But you did mean everything to her.  It's just that she's broken in a way that makes it next to impossible for her to sustain intimate relationships for very long.  Her best shot at a "stable" relationship is to find someone with a compatible dysfunction.

d) I'm devastated that she isn't regretting her choice one bit.  There was always a little bit of me that hoped she'd always wonder what if, and see me as the one who got away (selfish of me I suppose)

She doesn't regret her choice because it wasn't a choice.  It was an impulse that she couldn't ignore anymore.  She may describe it as a choice because it sounds a lot better that way (to herself) -- it is human nature to rationalize our behaviors especially when we are in denial of our true motivations.

You might have been the one that got away.  But you don't know how many other perfectly committed and wonderful persons she's already gone through this cycle with, nor do you know how many more she will find in her future.  In a sense they all "got away."  And there's no point compare yourselves with each other because your other characteristics have nothing to do with why she left you all.

Best wishes, Schwing

[mango_flower]

Oh Schwing... .

I wish you could know how much your post meant to me that you took so much time to reply.  Thank you, thank you, thank you

I have read it through three times, lots to digest!  I don't know where you get your insight from but it's incredible.

x

[clairedair]

schwing

a thank you from me too.  I've just posted on another board trying to reflect on my feelings tonight and your response to mango-flower has been really helpful

Claire

[leftbehind]

So while your gf was with you, you were virtually the most important person in the entire world to her... . at that time.  But at the same time, as you became more important to her, you also started to remind her of that abandonment trauma that she did suffer as an toddler.  And her fear of abandonment began to dominate her, until it made more sense to her to look for a new mom and dad, than to tolerate her disorder feelings (or even make sense off them) while with you.

Wow, this is so helpful.  I keep wondering what I could have done differently to keep my ex.  But it sounds like even if I had done everything perfectly, the intimacy would have triggered his abandonment fears and he would have still broken it off.  Thanks Swing.