Is it possible to take on traits of BPD partner?

[Granum]

I have separated from my BPD ex boyfriend for 2 weeks now.  I've been getting texts and emails last few days from him -- while a fraction conciliatory, he quickly makes his apology about himself and complains I have not apologized nearly as much as he has.  All of this in the face of me drawing a firm boundary with him --i told him, he either goes into recovery for his late-stage alcoholism and cornucopia of disorders (he is undiagnosed BPD, but has been diagnosed with PTSD, and dysthymia), or I will not be in his life.  I have tried to explain the boundary is for me - to heal from the damage done from the countless times of raging and his scary drinking episodes and the ongoing emotional abuse and what feels like sexual abuse (pretty sure he is a sex addict on top of everything else).  It is not to "punish" him or "control" him as he has accused me of.

I have been much stronger at drawing this latest boundary with him (I have been lousy at keeping boundaries with him in the past) and focusing on my life. I have since landed a fancy new job. (haven't started yet).  And then I started reading today about FOG and other traits of personality disordered folks (the "top 100 traits" and i started to think -- I fit some of these, could i be trying to emotionally blackmail him (FOG) into getting into recovery by playing on his fear of my vanishing if he doesn't? while it is true, I left because I could no longer stay in what felt like an abusive relationship even though I loved him, --- I would be lying if I said I never thought my ultimatum might have the affect of hastening him towards his rock bottom.  I actually do not think it will - I think he will just go through his BPD cycle with some other unwitting victim.  But sure there is some hope in me that he will relent and get the help/treatment he so desperately needs.  Is this also a form of emotional blackmail?

[heyhey]

I suppose it is possible to mirror our BPD partners, ive read that everyone has some type of borderline trait. However your ultimatum was perfectly natural, I dont think you have anything to worry about.

[benny2]

I have also read the 100 traits and suprisingly my ex fits most all of them, but it has made me wonder if I have some disorder myself . I can put people out of my life with no remorse, (ex hushand). I have a tendency to not know what I want at times. I have a strong fear of rejection and hate being alone. I often thought  my expwBPD and I have such similar personalites, and that was before I learned of the BPD. However, I do not split people nor do I use anyone to fullfill my needs. Maybe the similarities I was seeing were just him mirroring me. It can all be pretty mind boggling and scarey.

[Clearmind]

Meet our resident  . Fleas are not something you 'catch' from your Borderline partner they are issues inside you prior to you even meeting your partner - these are traits which drew you to your partner.

We all learn our relationship skills from our primary care givers - generally your parents - we also tend to choose partners that are our emotional equal.

Food for thought! Dig deep and look at the relationship dynamic when you were growing up - here in lies the answer to why we chose this relationship.

[benny2]

So true clearmind and I even told him today that I also have issues and maybe thats why we have been drawn to each other for so many years, but I have dug deep and I can't see why I would have these issues as far as gowing up. I had loving parents, but I did lose my mother at a young age and never was able to say goodbye to her, I somehow think this may have been something I never got over and maybe has caused my own abandonment fears.

[Clearmind]

So true Benny - my father was present yet emotionally absent and my mother was an enabler. I played the role of my mother in my relationship/s and I chose men like my father. And yes I had my own abandonment trauma from childhood. The idealization phase soon fixed that - only to be re-abandoned when devalued - striking resemblance to the pattern of my childhood.

I have  yet they are fewer in numbers to what they use to be - I have done a lot of piecing together and healing from my childhood. Sounds like you have too 

[Granum]

Thank you clearmind and benny2 --- clearmind, I had the exact same childhood.  father present but emotionally unavailable (still is, and is deeply controlling and I have suspected NPD) and mom the enabler.  mom grew up as the sole non-drinker in a household of men - four brothers and her father who were all raging alcoholics.  only my mother and grandmother were not.  but mom never was treated for all she went through.  a lot got passed on. 

gosh, i hate to think of myself as the emotional equivalent of my ex BPD, as he is QUITE sick.  but I have started the hard work of healing for myself.  I have wondered many times what kept me there in this relationship, and even lately, allowing myself to hope that he may choose treatment and get into recovery.  but to lean on the outcome is just asking for disappointment.  i know this.  he sent me pictures of himself today -- out fishing with buddies.  he seems to want me to know just how much fun he is having despite our break-up.  he looks TERRIBLE.  like his disease is just getting the best of him.  it was best to see from a distance.  im glad it was.  thank you for your posts.

[goldylamont]

if we look at emotions on the level of energy we can see how all our interactions (with anyone, not just with BPD) are a passing of energy back and forth between two entities. people hook our attention (we give them our attention), we communicate with each other and leave impressions on each other. i understand all of this is in the area of psuedo-science so i'd like to preface what i'm saying with, this is just how i feel--i feel there are instances when a pwBPD can pass onto you some of their anxieties, anger, rage and/or fear. this thought really solidified with me when talking to a past friend of my ex who thought something was wrong with her. she (past friend) told me that whenever she saw my ex's name (in a text message, or facebook, etc.) that she got a sharp and cold feeling. a physical feeling of high anxiety almost to the point of physically shaking. i got exactly the same feeling when seeing my ex's name for quite some time (no more luckily). physical anxiety. i thought for me it was b/c i was still recovering from the r/s and actually i'm sure this is normal to some degree for anyone going through a breakup. but hearing that a plutonic woman friend of the ex experienced the same physical discomfort as i really hit home. during the worst of our arguments my ex would reach such a high state of anxiety--or hatred? anger? fear? or some mixture of it. she'd be almost shaking with this energy. eyes wide, very intense and fearful. a few times i remember looking in her eyes and feeling the intensity. i do feel it was moments like these that some of this energy was passed into me, reorganized some of my psyche so to speak. b/c this is precisely the same physical feeling that both i and her friend would feel when seeing her name for a while. again, this is all subjective but thought i'd throw it out there... .

[KellyO]

For me it was very important to find out how much I acted like my ex-bf. It was a lot. So, when I learnt about projection and many other stuff, every time he did something that hurt me (50 times a day), I tried to find out if I have done something similar to someone, no matter who. Yes, every time. He threatened me, I could see I have threatened people in my life too. He blackmaled me, I could see I have blackmaled people too 10 years ago. He lied to me, I found I lied several times a day. This is about your shadow side.

I have spiritual world-view, and in my healing it was crusial for me to think that everything has purpose, and I create my life. If I had created this awful relationship (by inviting this person in my life), it must have a reason. If we don't see our shadow, universe will show it to us, in other people, in situations. I'm sure if I wouldn't have learnt from this relationship, my next bf would have been even worse. I had a goal: to stop attracting people like this in my life. There had been so many before him. I had become a doormat.

I don't think my ex-bf would ever want to be with me anymore. All the drama is gone. Last time we saw eachother, he got very nervous because he could not make me carry his nervousness like I used to. I'm immune. Come to shout at my face and I just walk out of door without any other reaction. Lie to me and I will not get angry, but think that I don't want to be with people who lie and walk out.

NOothing can be projected to person who knows herself and accepts her faults. Projections sort of bounce of me back to him. He needs someone to blaim in his life. He had a choice, he could be with me or not, and he choose not. If I would be the person he met for the first time, he would have said yes. I think he is a bit scared of me now. I must admit, it does not feel bad.

I knew I was codependent, I knew I was like addicted to him. All those feelings are gone. I sort of had to hear him saying "no" to me, after all that recycling and me trying to bend backwards for him... . knowing he did not want me anymore because I was healthy!