hello, jalbright~
sorry you are feeling this way.
i can relate SO much to the first couple recycles my exBPDbf had put me through, if i left him while he didn't have "back-up" he would leave lots of suicidal threats and cry and beg literally until i would say its fine, sure, stay. countlessly melting down just to stay in the relationship.
I never expected it, I thought our love was so real and so twin-souled... . that he was crying because he really loved me... . but that when "back-up" came around, he simply showed no emotion at all and took the last word and chance to leave to regain power.
I know you are hurting. It is such a nightmare and shock for the first week or so.
She is still your girlfriend? Do you think that the guilt feels better than the pain she causes you?
Small steps... .
The guilt I've felt these last 2 days is probably the worst emotional pain I've had since a close family members death 5 years ago. Maybe even more so bc there is such a strong element of confusion. So id say, yes, the guilt is worse than the pain she was causing. But they are two different beasts