Time with friends should be fun for me...

[Parents! Get help here!]

I came to this site for my exBPD however, my daughter13 is showing similar behaviors except with different things then I am used to from him.

I don't get out to socialize often with friends (like rarely because I am very busy), but when I do my daughter does not take it well.  She makes comments that I always go out, she says things like "oh that's nice" (in a sarcastic tone), she says to other people that I don't care about her.  Thinking about it, it is hard to even talk on the phone for long periods of time or to have company over.  It is all an issue that doesn't always happen, but it happens enough to be completely exhausting... .

[changingme]

I came to this site for my exBPD however, my daughter13 is showing similar behaviors except with different things then I am used to from him.

I don't get out to socialize often with friends (like rarely because I am very busy), but when I do my daughter does not take it well.  She makes comments that I always go out, she says things like "oh that's nice" (in a sarcastic tone), she says to other people that I don't care about her.  Thinking about it, it is hard to even talk on the phone for long periods of time or to have company over.  It is all an issue that doesn't always happen, but it happens enough to be completely exhausting... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

This disorder has its basis in fear of abandonment and rejection.  You going out with friends in her mind, is just that!  Maybe you could try planning something fun to do together after your outing, like for that evening or the next day?

Nancy

[changingme]

Bioadoptmom3,

I do plans things the day before, the day after.  That's the thing.  We spend so much time together but in the end it doesn't matter... . when I do get out she takes it hard and it can throw her off for the entire next day.  It is hard because if I am not out having the time of my life, the next day dealing with her is hard and sometimes I ask myself was it worth it.  There had been a few times she had a melt down before leaving that I didn't go.  I used to go through these things with her father and now history is repeating and I am tired of BPD running my life. 

[momontherun]

I completely agree it is exhausting in fact so much, I did give in a bit at a time. First it was friends in person then on the phone then clubs then work then the dogs. I finally woke up and realized how much I had let go 'to keep the kids happy and make peace' and was very angry - not at them but myself for allowing it to slowly let it slip away and had to stop! I decided to slowly take back my life just as I had let it go. Of course, this brought whining, disagreements, arguments, eye rolling etc.

I sat down with ds12 and explained to him I should never have let any of those things go so I am going to fix that and get back to what is important to me. It is going to be difficult however this is something I need. He of course, disagreed then realizing I am serious he sarcastically said 'your the mom, I am the kids so whatever you want to do' I smiled and said now your getting it then asked how would he feel if he was no longer able to spend time with his friends only seeing them at 'his work' (school), if he no longer was able to spend time with family and had to give up his sports all because someone you love wants to keep them all to themselves? This hit home with him for the moment. During our personal calls with dd15, I don't speculate what I am planning (except for her room, the yard or the usual traditions) rather just let her know what has already happened and how good it felt to be doing it again.

When it came time for me to go meet a friend I asked if ds12 wanted to go - he said no so I told him how long I would be gone and what I would like him to do with his time. He then sounded like dd15 and said go ahead and leave me, I knew you didn't care - this used to bait me. I told him I had to go but when I returned we would be talking about this. When I returned, instead of picking up the conversation where we left off I asked him if he knew what verbal abuse was? He said its what bullies use to attack someone with words. I said right then explained it happens all the time and at any age then asked so whats the purpose? He said to get their way and make themselves feel better. I said right so when you accuse me of not caring about you isn't that verbal abuse? He agreed I then explained when abuse happens it starts out really small using words then over time it grows into physical which could morph into much more dangerous ways. Just as you, I am a person too right? he said yea but your my mom and I came back with sure and a child and a sister and a friend and a co-worker... . we are all something to someone and we all have value. The problem starts when we allow others to mistreat us - when adults do it to kids its called child abuse which is very serious right? He said yes I then explained when kids do it to parents its called parent abuse - he said I was making that up as how can a child abuse their parents? So I gave him some reading to do: www.loupurplefairy.hubpages.com/hub/The-Silent-Suffering-of-Parent-Abuse-When-Children-Abuse-Parents then we went over all the signs together pointing out which ones were happening in our family then I told him I am taking back control then suggested we play a game or throw the football around a bit... . this got us off the subject and brought us a bit closer together.

After that when he starts up I simply tell him that's parent abuse - I am a person too which stops him in his tracks... . when he apologizes, I thank him - either way I move the topic to something else like when I get back we could... . , tomorrow we could... . what would you like to do tomorrow? This gives him something else to focus on. If it doesn't, I reinforce I am doing this now for me, later we can do something for you - you have a choice to make either stewing on this or move on either way its happening and I am not going to allow you to abuse me any longer. After awhile, he started to get used to the change and the warning is becoming less frequent and we are all that much happier. Now the true test will come when dd15 comes home however, by then the boundaries will be in place and I will be more confident not taking the bait.

[vivekananda]

Hi changing times, welcome to our parent's boards 

Those teen years are a challenge aren't they? and then to have the concern with BPD, makes it a whole different ball game.

You have had some good feedback here. The reminder that is based on the fear of abandonment, and the reminder to return to our values based boundaries.

What I would like to remind us all is the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). When our kids are doing such as you describe, they are pressing our parental guilt buttons. They are using well-worn, tried and tested methods to get what they want. All they are doing is using those techniques that have worked for them in the past. So, it's time to reteach them. It's a learning opportunity to grasp - the teen years are so critical to help our kids regulate their emotions and behaviours. similarly, we benefit from working on understanding what's happening and make sure we don't allow our emotions create a FOG for us.

The best way to teach them is to practice values based boundaries and validation.

Have you read Lundberg's "I don't have to make everything all better" It's a highly recommended manual on validation for parents.

cheers,

Vivek    

[changingme]

Thanks everyone.  Great suggestions.  I will give them all a try. 

I have not read that book, but I have seen it mentioned a few times here. 

I like the talk about parent abuse.  Never really thought to spin it that way for her. 

Another issue we have is when she sleeps out somewhere else.  Even if I am at home alone and she sleeps out at a friends, for example, she always comes home so distraught the next day. Aside from the crankiness from being tired, her emotions are all over the place and her anger can be through the roof.  Does anyone have similar situations?  I am trying to put my finger on why she gets that way.  Can it be related to feeling abandoned even though I may be home watching a movie and she is the one out at a sleepover?  It is a huge issue because I have gotten to a point I had to put a stop to sleepovers, which is kind of sad since she is a teen and that is what teen girls LOVE to do!

[vivekananda]

I would be interested in what others have to say. This would be my take on it.

pwBPD have trouble with relationships. When they have a relationship, they invest so much into it, but it also 'does their head in'. It is an effort to be on 'good behaviour' such as with a sleep over. So, they would probably be keeping extra tabs on controlling their behaviour - this I would think a good thing. During a sleep over, the talk and chit chat covers risque topics, it is very bonding, challenging things are discussed - including what horrible people the parents are! You would remember. So all this talk would need to be processed and absorbed. All this talk is a challenge to emotional regulation. The chit chat can be highly emotive. So not only is there a relationship that needs to be negotiated, but the challenge of the topic of conversations needs to be regulated.

You would know that MRI studies have shown that pwBPD have limited neural pathways between the amydala and the prefrontal cortex... . so they have less ability to regulate themselves. It requires a lot of hard work for them to call on their 'wise mind'. So, apart form late nights, having values challenged, being in a different environment, she would have been under a barrage of 'controlled emotions'.

So, thinking this way suggests to me that these sleepovers are a good thing. because they are teaching her to modify her behaviour. I suspect however that for them to be better managed, it would help if you put strategies in place. The easiest one is to arrange that the next day she can have a timeout sort of day, with no expectations upon her. It would be good if you could have a one on one time with her first thing she gets up - maybe a breakfast out or something, so that you can 'chew the fat' and give her the opportunity to talk. And give you the opportunity to validate. Of course, as mums, we would want to cut straight to the chase and talk about what happened the night before. But that would not be the point of the brekky so much as having a focus for you on improving your relationship, I would think. You would need to develop her trust in you, to give her space to talk about it - if she wanted to.

I hope that makes sense. I expect though that others who are currently in the thick of the teen years, may have a different perspective. My dd is now 32... . if only I knew then what I do now... .

cheers,

Vivek