New contact... Not sure of his intentions

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I haven't talked to my exBPD since February... . We broke up in January, then resumed contact in February until he realized that I blocked him to stop receiving messages from him, and he contacted me in a different way, told me that I was a "disease" and that I never loved him and a lot of crappy and insulting things and blcked me so I could not answer back... . So I had not heard anything from him until Friday, he sent me a mail that just said:

"My mom died on April 8th. I don't believe there's a conspiracy anymore. I miss you"

Nothing else.

I haven't replied and I don't think I will, although I still have my doubts. I think this is just something he did to manipulate me because he wants the extra attention (I'm sure he must be with someone else by now), but it has been almost 2 months since his mother died, so why tell me now? Besides, I'm not even sure of how much could he be hurting, because when she was sick I had to convince him to visit her and he didn't want to be with her and kept fighting with her and stuff like that. I'm not saying he didn't care for all, but I feel he's just using her death to inspire... . Pity? compassion? Don't know 

The conspiracy part just makes me think that he wants me to believe that he is "ok" now, Which I still think it's a lie (if he is doing so well, why is he reaching out for me?) and then "I miss you"... . The whole message just feels like something written to get me to react.

It feels off not to say anything at all, since this was someone I once loved and it's not like me to receive this type of message and ignore it, but I think replying would only open that can of worms and I really don't want to do that. Don't know what to think out of this, and there's this 10% in me that feels guilty and thinks maybe I should say something :s

I just wanted some opinions by people who knew how BPDs act and could help me figure out this whole thing   thanks   

[wondering128]

I haven't talked to my exBPD since February... . We broke up in January, then resumed contact in February until he realized that I blocked him to stop receiving messages from him, and he contacted me in a different way, told me that I was a "disease" and that I never loved him and a lot of crappy and insulting things and blcked me so I could not answer back... . So I had not heard anything from him until Friday, he sent me a mail that just said:

"My mom died on April 8th. I don't believe there's a conspiracy anymore. I miss you"

Nothing else.

I haven't replied and I don't think I will, although I still have my doubts. I think this is just something he did to manipulate me because he wants the extra attention (I'm sure he must be with someone else by now), but it has been almost 2 months since his mother died, so why tell me now? Besides, I'm not even sure of how much could he be hurting, because when she was sick I had to convince him to visit her and he didn't want to be with her and kept fighting with her and stuff like that. I'm not saying he didn't care for all, but I feel he's just using her death to inspire... . Pity? compassion? Don't know 

The conspiracy part just makes me think that he wants me to believe that he is "ok" now, Which I still think it's a lie (if he is doing so well, why is he reaching out for me?) and then "I miss you"... . The whole message just feels like something written to get me to react.

It feels off not to say anything at all, since this was someone I once loved and it's not like me to receive this type of message and ignore it, but I think replying would only open that can of worms and I really don't want to do that. Don't know what to think out of this, and there's this 10% in me that feels guilty and thinks maybe I should say something :s

I just wanted some opinions by people who knew how BPDs act and could help me figure out this whole thing   thanks   

[Rose Tiger]

Coping mechanism is to work on the sympathies of another with a woe is me hook.  They are fishers.  Doesn't matter what kind of fish they catch, it's all to garner attention.  It's how a person with BPD self soothe.  It's nothing personal towards you.  He is using three lures on the hook, your sympathetic nature, your wishes for a healthy relationship and desire for his love for you.  A one-two-three punch.  He probably has a few lines out in the water, not just this one.  He's just waiting for a bite.  A horrible way to exist, being so empty you need to reach out to avoid feeling the emptiness.

It's not you in particular that he wants, anyone will do. 

[wondering128]

Yes, I agree with you. I think he just wants to have a lot of people "there" for him, to give him attention, because it seems that it's never enough for him, that it doesn't matter whom he is with, he just wants more and more. I also thought that our birthdays ware coming up (mine is on wednesday and his is a week later), so maybe it asn't such a coincidence that he chose this date to write sth. Anyway, I still don't ant to answer. I feel a little bit guilty, but I already was "there" for him and it only brought me pain and confussion, so I don't wanna go back.

Thanks for your reply!

[Rose Tiger]

You see things pretty clearly, that is great!  It took me a long time to accept that he didn't see anything special in me and to not take it personally.  It's a very serious disorder.  Especially at times like birthdays and such where he would ping me.  He doesn't understand why it is not cool to play with other people's emotions.  It's up to us to protect our hearts.

[wondering128]

Yes, you're completely right. I still take it a bit personally, but I keep thinking that I have to protect myself first and that there's nothing else I can do but to stay away. He wrote again yesterday, saying "Hi, I just ated to make sure you received this message: My mom died on April 8th. I don't believe there's a conspiracy anymore. I miss you"

And again today, saying "Hi, I need to make sure you're not answering me because you don't want to and not because you're not receiving my e-mails. Could you do me the favor of telling me if you're receiving them? That way I'lll know the door is closed.

If I don't get an answer, I'll see where I can find your cellphone number to write you. I need to clear that doubt. Medical advice. Happy birthday in advance"

Right now I'm reaaally not sure whether I should answer to say I got them or what. Just recently I started to feel better about the whole thing, like I didn't feel as heavy as before, you know? It's not that I feel 100% ok, I know I still have a way to go, but I felt better, as if a poison is finally leaving my body. Right now I don't feel bad, I just feel kinda pissed off for him using his mother's death to manipulate people.

Should I tell him I received the e-mails or just leave it at that?

[Murbay]

Probably the best advice anyone will give you is to ignore and delete the messages and not respond in any way. Responding, even if on neutral terms will give him a way in and set you back again.

This appears to be an extinction burst in the way that the messages are becoming more frequent. There is a double edged sword in the message today. He wants you to respond to him so that he knows the door is closed. By responding, he will actually view it as the door still being open. The best way to show the door is closed is to not respond.

Concentrate and focus on what you need to do in your life and carry on along the path you have set yourself. It is very difficult when someone they are using a death in the family as manipulation to try and trigger a guilt complex. If anything, it proves that nothing has changed and that things are probably worse. You are better off away from it all and as difficult as it might be right now, responding in any way would create more problems for you.

[Sleep doc]

Maybe this will help - the last time I responded because someone close to her had died it turned out he never really died.  So I would say these people are not beyond: a) exaggerating the value of the loss of a loved one to engage you again and b) literally making up a death that never occurred.

I would say if you have the strength to move on... . move on.  You deserve better and detaching is the first step. 

[feelingcrazy7832]

Sleep Doc - Wow! Making up a death to get a response! My god, and I thought my ex was disgusting for making up an alleged rape by my friend.

Do not respond. If it's been six months and he waited two months to tell you, I would NOT respond.

[recoil]

I'm so envious of the people that get to go NC.  I have to see my ex at work all of the time and it's starting to anger me (all the little pokes she does).

[Rose Tiger]

The absolute most kindest response, is no response.  Any response at all gives him a green light that you are available for use as a self soothing mechanism.  You are well on the way to not being a security blanket for an emotional disordered human being.  Do you understand?  That not being there pushes him towards getting help for his disorder?  Plus the added benefit to you, moving on, taking care of yourself, moving towards health yourself?  I find that any contact, no matter how insignificant, pull me back into worrying about him and his welfare.  My ex has been taking care of himself for years, no issues.  I'm the one in danger with every contact, the longer I go with no word, the better I feel, the more hopeful I feel and then contact takes me back several spaces.  No good for him, no good for me!  He is not looking out for you, you have to be the strong one, for both of you. 

[Bach Cantatas]

I find that any contact, no matter how insignificant, pull me back into worrying about him and his welfare.  My ex has been taking care of himself for years, no issues.  I'm the one in danger with every contact, the longer I go with no word, the better I feel, the more hopeful I feel and then contact takes me back several spaces.  No good for him, no good for me!  He is not looking out for you, you have to be the strong one, for both of you. 

This is very well said and makes complete sense. Thank you.

[letmeout]

I enjoyed this thread, it clarified why my ex sometimes would tell me that someone died (when they didn't). Incredible.

[learningtowalkagain1]

Wondering, I have had mine send messages in the past when we were in NC about some huge trauma or another in his life and he would ultimately suck me back in. When I didn't respond, he would send several like yours did asking me to respond to let him know the door was closed and the messages would get persistent.

Mine told me in the first week we starting dating that his dad was dying of bowel cancer and didn't have long to live - he went all obviously pensive, quiet, solemn and sad so that I asked what was wrong. He had tears streaming out of his eyes and choked on his words. 2.5 years later his dad is still going strong, was never at the stage he said he was and he and his dad continually butt heads - but I see it now, particularly after the posts in this thread - as one of the hooks he embedded very early!

Rosetiger, that was a big message for me too, thank you.

I would have to agree with the rest of the comments - no response. I learned the hard way this week when I responded again to mine. It only opens a door for him to respond again and so the circle continues. I can't wait to say that I have had 6 months NC!

[wondering128]

Your answers have really helped me! Thanks! Yes, I realized that it's not that's he's in pain since he waited 2 MONTHS to tell me! Maybe I would react different if he had told me when it happened ( I kno that he's not making this up because we were still together when his mom as diagnosed... . And I saw her lose her hair and it as a VERY aggressive cancer because it all happended withing a time space of 3 months, from the moment she was diagnosed until she couln't walk anymore... . So I know he's telling the truth but I also know he's just saying it to inspire compassion).

It's awful, the things that they do to  pretending rapes or deaths... . Sometimes it's almost impossible to believe that this type of things happen, until you live them and you realize they do happen.

I won't respond. Thank you all for your answers! You're really strong people and it's nice to know that everything gets better in time

[letmeout]

I got a track phone, the kids and I gave him that cell number. I responded a few times to him, and then turned it off and never turned it back on. I heard that he use to text message it all the time, but I never looked at it again. Problem solved with the temptation to get sucked back in.