Unimaginable Guilt From Seperation

[jalbright]

It's been almost 3 days since my gfwBPD left and I think just had my worse moment yet. I was remembering the sight of her have an absolute emotion meltdown the night before and the morning of moving. She went back and forth between extreme sadness expressing her love for me and anger scolding me and being irrational. But when she very sad, she was in an uncontrollable sob and physical state, almost paralyzing. It was by far the most emotionally painful moment ive ever seen experiened by someone! I remember the 30 minutes that we literally stood facing one another at the front door bc she was so frozen with fear and sadness that she couldnt open the door to leave for likely last time.

It makes me feel for her so bad, it cripples me imaging the amount of pain she must be feeling. Feeling truely at rock bottom sad I almost want to go run to her and hug her just to take that pain away.  I dont know this maybe this is something that is normal to feel possibly. Its just tough to swallow feeling like i was the source of causing someone i love so much hurt. That is a heavy feeling.

[Clearmind]

Jal, 3 days is really early in the break up and it’s natural to feel pain and hurt.

You are not responsible for her emotional health. It’s my guess you have been doing this for a long time now. She is an adult who needs to stand on her own – you cannot continue to rescue her at the expense of you.

Borderlines are resourceful – they have spent a lifetime repeating patterns. Its unfortunate that this is another pattern.

Do something nice for yourself and try to stop punishing yourself.

[jalbright]

Yes I understand I'm not responsible for her mental health however hit hard when I know that I caused so much pain by breaking it off. I'm really trying to view this the way I should but it is oh so hard. I'm really hoping to start therapy soon bc this guilt is eating me alive right now. I just feel so much for her. This is my first morning back to work since the break up and I've had a blue morning. Mostly thinking about how she must have woken up and been an emotional wreck dredding going back to work too. I know I have to stop thinking this way. It's going to take work

[jalbright]

We exchanged some texts this morning and she's telling me how she's at work and an emotional wreck. She continues to ask "how could you do this to me? You don't care about me, you don't do this to someone you love!" Also saying "how she could never put me through what I'm doing to her now"

She is still angry that i stopped "trying" which i did ill admit that. it kills as i think the what if's had I in fact tried harder. however i clearly did t for reasons i should not ignore. I try to explain my reasoning and mindset but I have to learn she just won't understand.

[cal644]

I had a similar incident but this was about 3 months into our seperation.  My wife came to get some stuff from the house and the day before I received a text that I honestly thought was a suicide text.  She came over and cried hysterically - at one point I said are you sure this is what you want, you know what it will take to fix this (quit texting him and marriage counciling) it was at that moment when she went into a rage like I had never seen - saying how she hates me, she doesn't want a single memmory from the last 19 years, and more F - bombs than I have ever heard from her in my life. A couple weeks latter I saw her comming out of her councilor while my daughter and I were heading into my daughters theropist.  She was sobbing like the night I described - but she has to this day ever once wanted to try to work on our relationship - so how does she feel so much pain and yet refuse to try?  Or maybe she just can't face me because of her guilt?

[jalbright]

That's got to be rough cal644, sorry you h ave to deal with that. It seems though that so many people on this board had a BPD partner who quit trying to make it work, however, i was the one who clearly quit trying. Just an observation. I guess that fuels my guilt