blocked and de-friended

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know this has probably been asked before, but why do they block and de-friend us on facebook? My ex deactivated her account after we split, but I noticed that she recently reactivated it, however I am blocked and de-friended.  It makes me feel like I was the bad guy.  Its like a slap in the face.

[heyhey]

I know this has probably been asked before, but why do they block and de-friend us on facebook? My ex deactivated her account after we split, but I noticed that she recently reactivated it, however I am blocked and de-friended.  It makes me feel like I was the bad guy.  Its like a slap in the face.

[Clearmind]

I wouldn't base her actions on your worth heyhey - maybe something to look into as to why you feel this way.

Its likely she feels shame, its likely she doesn't want you to check in on what she is doing/saying, its likely she simply is being impulsive and will open a new account just as quick as she closed the last one.

Who knows really! Can you really be friends with an ex - where the relationship was toxic.

How are you going? How is your support network?

[heyhey]

I really didnt expect to be friends with her, its just the fact that I feel like the bad guy.  Im doing well, this forum is a blessing.  By the way I changed my screen name, my ex knows I use this forum id hate for her to see me pining for her.

[leftbehind]

HeyHey, sorry you're hurting.  My ex unfriended me on facebook too.  I think in his case, if I'm out of sight I'm out of mind, so that means less hurt for him.  One thing I've learned from this site is that they lack object constancy.  If you search for it here you'll find a lot of info (basically means their brains are wired for "out of site out of mind". 

Its likely she feels shame, its likely she doesn't want you to check in on what she is doing/saying, its likely she simply is being impulsive and will open a new account just as quick as she closed the last one.

I think Clearmind is right - it could be any of the above reasons.

Hang in there, it gets easier

[goldylamont]

my humble opinion is that if it felt like a slap in the face, then it was intended to feel that way. in my situation i've learned that my instincts about things like this are mostly correct, and i'm thankful to be able to trust those instincts.

i actually defriended my ex many months ago, but for my own personal reasons of not giving myself an avenue of checking in on her, and also because i had to judge her by her actions... . she was no longer any friend of mine; so i defriended her because it was the truth. i defriended her but felt no need to block i wasn't worried about her contacting me, i didn't do it to "send a message", i did it for myself. fast forward 6 months and my ex starts contacting me again, being super friendly. it was nice and all our exchanges (1 phone convo, a few texts, initially she messaged me on fb) there was no negativity or argument. but, in the nicest way possible i removed all reasons for her to communicate with me. i'm in a new r/s now and don't want to cause any trouble by communicating with ex. and also not interested in trying to act like everything is all good all of the sudden without even acknowledging why we stopped being friends in the first place. a couple weeks later i find out she had blocked me (we already weren't fb friends, but no blocking going on before)... . it, of course makes no sense to block someone--because they *didn't* engage with you?

it's irrelevant to try and understand why. what i can say is that this person is a master at the creepy art of passive aggressiveness. i wouldn't beat yourself up about feeling bad about it. you were blocked at best b/c your ex didn't take your feelings into consideration at the least, or at worst b/c she wanted to send you a hateful message. either way this hurts and is understandable to be hurt. it's natural to be hurt, so that's ok. but i'm sure you've been working through plenty of other, bigger issues from the r/s so just let this fall into the bucket of sillyness that you know one day, will no longer hurt you. let time do the healing on this one

[Sleep doc]

Oh hey hey - I wasted many a moment wondering about this.  In fact it was the event that made me realize what exactly I was dealing with.  Mine unfriended me on Facebook because I chose to just ignore her.  She was literally manipulating me just to keep me around so that I would be attached and she could keep me as her friend and tell me how much fun she was having with everyone who wasn't me.  Once I finally realized I had been manipulated FROM THE BEGINNING I just decided I'm done with this and I chose to ignore her.  She called me once, two days later she texted, and that night she unfriended me.  That fast - a ten month relationship and we were now no longer friends because I chose to ignore her for three days and take time for me.  Then four days later she texted to find out if I was dead and to get a hold of her.  And then things got REALLY creepy.  I went to NC maybe two months ago I think (I've honestly forgotten) and of course she contacts all the time.  When she defriended me she came up with this insane excuse about deleting or deactivating because of pornography on her account or something dumb (no 25 yr old female deletes her account... . just FYI).  Then of course to cover she had to block me or else I would know she was lying.  Now two months later she all of a sudden shows up as a friend on mutual friends list (ie. this is a person I would recommend as a friend).  She had removed the block which of course merges with all of her silly intermittent calls and texts.  She just wants me to now "that I should give her the chance to be a great friend to me". 

What can I say man - it really is just an impulse control issue and because they just want to get a rise out of you.  Any attention is attention... . if you ignore it, they will care for a little bit but it will disappear eventually.  Yeah it's a slap in the face but don't take it personally.  They don't know how else to deal with their feelings.  If you are out of their line of sight, then they can pretend like you don't exist.  And that is the only way they can move on. 

Feel better... .

[heyhey]

I guess what hurts is that she does want me out of sight and mind. I guess I feel that if I ever meant anything to her she would atleast keep some connection to me. She is back with the father of her child which is a good thing but it still hurts to just be discarded and forgotten I guess I thought I meant more to her than I did.

[Clearmind]

I guess what hurts is that she does want me out of sight and mind. I guess I feel that if I ever meant anything to her she would atleast keep some connection to me. She is back with the father of her child which is a good thing but it still hurts to just be discarded and forgotten I guess I thought I meant more to her than I did.

You are in good company - we all thought the same thing.

Heyhey, when we learn more about BPD it becomes a lot clearer as the reasons why being friends is very difficult for us and them.

The relationships cycle - unfortunately they come to an end.

Leaving and grieving/Being "friends" after a break-up

[jmc8899]

My ex is back together with the mother of his son - even after he trashed her to me and anyone else who would listen.  Your ex may be hoping for a reaction, for you to notice you were unfriended, contact her and ask "why did you unfriend me?".   Just continue NC.   And if you think she is happy in her "new" relationship, she is not.   People who keep returning to ex's need to learn the definition of insanity, which is repeating the same action hoping for a different result.

[heyhey]

Ive done a tremendous amount of research on BPD and have read A LOT of posts on these boards. I can clearly see the pattern in everyones stories and its easy to see that none of this is our fault. However, I just cant help but take what happened personally,  I guess its all the emotions that came along with my relationship, im still working on that.

[goldylamont]

Ive done a tremendous amount of research on BPD and have read A LOT of posts on these boards. I can clearly see the pattern in everyones stories and its easy to see that none of this is our fault. However, I just cant help but take what happened personally,  I guess its all the emotions that came along with my relationship, im still working on that.

i just wanted to say heyhey that i think it's cool that you realize that you are taking something personally, although you seem aware that ideally you shouldn't. it's good that you know this. forgive yourself for taking it personally and just know that over time when your emotions have had their say that you will be able to not take it personally. letting out your feelings here about it is a great first step to letting these emotions flow, so that someday you won't need them anymore and they will let go. keep it up 

[heyhey]

i just wanted to say heyhey that i think it's cool that you realize that you are taking something personally, although you seem aware that ideally you shouldn't. it's good that you know this. forgive yourself for taking it personally and just know that over time when your emotions have had their say that you will be able to not take it personally. letting out your feelings here about it is a great first step to letting these emotions flow, so that someday you won't need them anymore and they will let go. keep it up  [/quote]
Thanks I needed that

Wow I suck at re quoting

[VeryFree]

Mine defriended and blocked me. Probably from the beginning of our separation.

I didn't even notice untill I saw a discussion from a mutual friend, where messages were missing.

Good for her: try to forget me as soon as possible, get over with it and hopefully go on to the next victim (the poor guy)!

I will do the same (well, not the guy).

[marbleloser]

There's an upside to this heyhey.If she unblocks you,be ready for a recycle attempt.

[recoil]

Just continue NC.   And if you think she is happy in her "new" relationship, she is not.

Kind of sobering when you think about this as it relates to our relationship with them.

Using this thought, they were not truly happen when they were with us either (excluding idealization phase one might imagine).

Ouch.

[standfree]

Oh she done this to me as well, after i said i did not JUST want to be friends, she only unfriended me, i was the one who done the blocking after some really nasty text messages she sent me, blaming me for all & how happy she was with her new man. Funny thing is, i stay in quite a smallish community were's most people know every-body else business, the new man who i know, is also blocked, iv have been painted black to him, i have blocked her family & his family too, i do not want them snooping on my page & i dont want to go snooping on there pages, i dont care anymore. She is now HIS problem, I did have a urge to help him, but why bother? This has all happened with-in the last month. we have great sex in the shower one week, she abandons me the next, then starts idealizing a new guy the next. FRIENDS? no way, i'm not going to be left on the shelf, so she can think she can have me back when it all goes wrong with this new guy, i wont be recycled again. I have learned so much about myself. Quite frankly she can get stuffed... .

[heyhey]

There's an upside to this heyhey.If she unblocks you,be ready for a recycle attempt.

The only problem with this is now ill be anticipating her to un block me.  I just want to not care anymore.

[Sleep doc]

When you don't care anymore - that's when she'll unblock you.  That is the cruelest way to do it, and man they just have this creepy sixth sense in executing that way.

That's what happened to me but by then I didn't care anymore.  It's now become almost like a science experiment to me.  I just really want to see almost how BPD she is - like how many different ways will she try to recycle, how many times will I be unblocked, friended, then maybe defriended, texted, told I'm horrible, missed as a friend, etc, etc.

Take it personally - it will help you heal.  She will unblock you eventually. She needs to be loved and the old will become new again.  Just a question of what you will do when that happens... .

[neesieden]

I deactivated my FB account at the beginning of the year, and am so pleased that I did!

No looking at ex's profile as she would never block me, no photos popping up from mural friends with her in them, as they do when you least expect them to!

The best thing I did, I don't miss it at all!

[Billa]

well, I understand perfectly, I've been blocked on Facebook and Whatsapp. I was the one who defriended him, but that was because, after telling him it was over, as he was behaving in very cruel way and I was really angry, the following day I'd realized he had put me into the acquaintances list again. It was the third time in two months, and every now and then he would pop out posting something I could see which was very hurting for me, something he did on purpose. So when I realized he was doing the same thing, it made me mad and I defriended him. As soon as he realized it, he blocked me to de-block me after two days. At that point, I wrote a Facebook message to him to tell him that I had defriended him just because I was very angry, but that I still love him. He wrote me back saying that as soon as the system would let him do it, he would disappear from my screen and my life for ever. And that's what he did. It was the 14th May, I'm still blocked and it is very painful for me. As heyhey has said, it is as if I were the guilty one... . it's devastating.

[goldylamont]

At that point, I wrote a Facebook message to him to tell him that I had defriended him just because I was very angry, but that I still love him. He wrote me back saying that as soon as the system would let him do it, he would disappear from my screen and my life for ever. And that's what he did. It was the 14th May, I'm still blocked and it is very painful for me. As heyhey has said, it is as if I were the guilty one... . it's devastating.

classic power move. it sucks. he did all of his fandangling just to get you to admit that you still cared about him. and when you did he jumped ship to try to prove he cared for you less. think about how important it is for a BPD to *prove* that they don't care about you at all. it sucks. but Billa, know that this person was as enmeshed with you as you were with him no matter what fake crap he does online. oh my, to think what these people do just to feel strong themselves. you allowed yourself a moment to be vulnerable on his behalf, let down your guard just for a second and the cheap ass used it to try and say (to himself, to you, to the world) "i don't care about her anymore. she's crazy". gaslighting has taken an online personality. you aren't the guilty one, or the crazy one. and yes it feels devastating. is the only way to deal with a sociopath to be sociopathic towards them? tell me it ain't so!

[cal644]

Within two weeks of filing - my wife not only blocked me and removed me - I found out she deleted all pictures of me and her, our our family from her FB.  19 years of marriage, she messes up, and then the first thing she does is try to remove any memory of me, she also did the same thing when she came to get some of her stuff from the house saying "I don't want a single memory of the last 19 years".  It hurts and it hurts bad.  How in such a short amount of time we go from being the love of their life to nothing.  I also had a cousin that went through this - a year after the seperation she brought every single thing that had to do with them or with their daughter, left it on boxes on his front step and left the state.

[Billa]

He wrote me back saying that as soon as the system would let him do it, he would disappear from my screen and my life for ever. And that's what he did. It was the 14th May, I'm still blocked and it is very painful for me. As heyhey has said, it is as if I were the guilty one... . it's devastating.

well, it was the 14th of MARCH, not May... .

[FollowingBliss]

My ex is back together with the mother of his son - even after he trashed her to me and anyone else who would listen.  Your ex may be hoping for a reaction, for you to notice you were unfriended, contact her and ask "why did you unfriend me?".   

I think it really depends on the borderline. My ex husband blocked me on facebook, while continuing email contact. His family blocked too.  I guess he didn't want me to know anything about his "new life"

[findingmyselfagain]

Who knows? Each pwBPD is unique. There is the disorder and their distinct personalities. Mine seemed to be the extremely insecure, acting in type. We stayed FB friends for a few months after the official b/u. She didn't de-friend me until I started calling her out on the sudden ending of the engagement. We didn't even see a counselor once. A long time afterward I found out she was having severe panic attacks at the mere thought of marriage. There was "so much" that she couldn't stand, but of course she couldn't name a single instance or fact, and it was all my fault. Is that someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?

I managed to find her blog and I only see fantasy thinking, some highs and apparent deep feelings for the men who cycle into her life, along with extreme lows. Much of her feelings must have been hidden during our r/s. The few of her friends and co-workers who talked to me afterward confirmed my instincts... . they were all surprised at how fast she fell for me and mystified at how fast she ran away. They agreed that BPD fit her to a T. The real question is why I was satisfied with someone like her... . ?

Interestingly enough we messaged each other through FB at one time. I'm not sure why she didn't email me by regular email. I think she may have wanted me to see her profile pic with the new guy at the time. I thought it was odd that if I was such a horrible partner why she didn't de-friend me or block me when we broke up. Who knows why they do what they do? I don't even think they know. It's best for us to look at ourselves, get healthier and move on.