Laid off, expensive social obligation, freaking out

[isilme]

I was officially given my 30 days on the 15th.  All in all BPDBF has been pretty good, but he finally admitted to his parents this last week he's behind on property taxes, and they got him to realize that actually meant he could lose how (our) house.  He's been docked for sick/out days quite a bit over the last year, and its eaten up my small savings and his keeping up, but tonight I think it all just hit him.  He wasn't bad (for a pwBPD) at all.  I just realized that when he's pretty even I make the mistake of assuming he's paying attention to both me saying I'm broke after a wedding I'm in we have to travel to his weekend.

I never really thought I'd be let go, my stupid wishful thinking and inflated thoughts of my usefulness, and so I figured we could make the wedding it'd be tight but doable.  I've never been honored to be in a wedding ever, and figured past the 3 month mark there was no getting out of it.  To save money, I may have to miss the early day before rehearsal, be amuse the hotel stay is too much.  I'm rambling, just feel like a jerk.  A wortess jerk.  How can I enjoy this trip m owing we're broke?  How could I back out at all given I did t k ow till 13 days ago I was getting laid off?  My savings have always been he short term savings for holidays and trips.  BCF is supposed to save for prop taxes and home upkeep (I've paid a lot of the repair bills, and all utilities, for our car, and my own debts).  BF hit a long sore spot with me when he panics about money he claims I have a free lunch because he pays 'rent' (prop taxes).  I point out I pay all utilities 1-2 groceries and make up for when he's short, like this last year when he missed work AND paid an arm and leg to finish school.  He took that as me blaming him for us being broke.  No, it's been a bad year, sucked dry my savings, and he paid tuition instead of taxes.

Sorry, I'm typing mostly because I'm quietly freaking out about work, this 4 hour away wedding and trying to find a new job that will still be close enough for us to manage with the one car.

[isilme]

Sorry for typos, not thinking clearly.

[Grey Kitty]

  You sound pretty overwhelmed. I hope your financial situation improves soon.

This is the personal inventory board where we get to ask probing questions... . uhm, did you have a question that we can help with?   

[isilme]

I really just needed an ear to keep from breaking down, to keep my own emotional wellness in better check to not slip back into invalidating behaviors as stress gets to both BPDBF and me.  NC with family, and no T in my rural area, so I come here.

[Rose Tiger]

Praying for you, praying for doors to open for employment, praying for provision and for peace and comfort.    The internet is a wonderful tool to find who is hiring.  You can research places that are hiring.  You can surf interview hints.  Sometimes if you have an interview with a particular company, you can google their interview practices and find good answers. 

[isilme]

Thanks.  I've actually got an interview for today - it's a bit of a bummer because the other person who got laid off with me is also interviewing for it, and the job description is strange, listing half the skills I can fulfill, and half the skills she can fulfill.  I mean, I can do it all, but some is more her realm of budgets and secretary stuff, and some is more "me", like Photoshop and presentation/computer tech skills.  I'd not mind if it goes to her - she just bought her 'retirement' house, and had been counting on 2 more years solid fulltime work to help pay for it, and she's been someone to talk to about the dysfunctional family I come from (my APDdad worked on the same campus, so I had to explain to her about his stalking and why I didn't want to be around if he was). 

A big part of this is it makes me feel scared I'm no better than my BPD/bi polar mother, who doesn't work and feels entitled to whatever she wants at the moment.  I know that's irrational on my part, but since I was 15, and started to accept that Mom was not a healthy person (took a few more years to see it with dad - I was splitting them pretty badly by then, needing Dad to be 'all good' and so I've tried to avoid being anything that reminds me of her... . down to my choice of shoes (never wearing loafers, ever).  A big part of my self esteem comes from knowing that I may not have family to talk to, but by-God I'm taking care of myself and BF and I, BPD aside, can make a good team when he's not all dysregulated, and when I'm not having problems with depression.

But I have a hard time feeling like a good-for-nothing-mooch if I ever need help, be it help moving something heavy, or money in a pinch.  I had an really nice boss at my old job get onto me for being ashamed to ask for a ride to and from work when my car was in the shop.  He'd catch up to me walking, and chide me for not asking for help.  I feel so guilty if I do, though.  BF's parents offered a short term loan, which we needed for the property tax and accepted to get caught up, but I feel like such a jerk for needing it.  I spoke to BF's mom yesterday, explaining it to her, and she tried to assure me it's okay, it's what family does... . but I just don't understand such help/support. 

As another problem, I told the bride I was not going to be able to make the early morning rehersal for money and work reasons (BF can't miss the hours - his job is in some jeopardy, too), and that I'd also gotten an interview meaning I'd not be able to take off in time for the 4+ hour drive.  Her mom texted me, telling me she'd foot my hotel bill to help us out, that it was no problem.  I tried to tell her, "No thank you, it's not fair to the other bridesmaids, and that 2 nights we can handle", but she's insisting, now.  I don't know what to do.  Do I accept, and save money but feel like a louse?  Do I just plow ahead and pay my way, even though it would save us $200?  I have no one really to ask.  I don't want to ask BF, because he'll get offended he's not making more money and it will trigger his hurt feelings over my job being the main 'bread-winning' job. 

Does anyone else have a hard time accepting help?

BF had made some comments that hurt a lot the night I posted.  I was trying not to take them to heart, knowing it was his dysregulation speaking, and that I should just ignore them and leave the room.  Which finally I was able to do.  He apologized yesterday, saying he knew he was ugly to me and that it was't right - a big difference from how he'd respond a few years back. 

Please, wish me luck on the interview today, and that I may get a few more responses to my other applications, especially in case this job goes to the lady who is also interviewing today.  Thanks.

[Grey Kitty]

Here's wishing you luck, plus peace and confidence while you are at the interview!

As for accepting the money for the hotel--here is another way to think about it: (Assuming well-meaning functional people as opposed to emotionally enmeshed guilt-tripping people)

Kind people like to offer help to others when they can. The bride's mom probably wants you to be there and happy... . and wants the bride to have the joy of your company... . and is glad to take the money problem out of the equation for you.

It is nicer to graciously say "thank you" and accept the help when it is kindly offered.

I'm really glad your bf is coping in ways that are better and kinder to you now! That would be one more load on your shoulders that you don't need!

[sheepdog]

You're not a worthless jerk and unfortunately, the night you found out you were laid off, your partner said hurtful things to you.

You sound frustrated and rightly so.

I'm not that great at advice but just know vent here, get it out and that we care.

[arabella]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you on your job interview - I hope it went well!

As for accepting help... . Yes, I have a very hard time with that too. I'm getting better. I came to realize that sometimes I need to accept help in order for others to feel good about themselves in wanting to help me. Sometimes refusing well-intentioned and sincere offers of help from others is more selfish than just accepting. It can be very frustrating for the giver!

Your bf's family would be far more upset if you lost the house than they would be by lending you the money to pay the taxes. They want you both to be secure and settled and, if they have the means to help, I think it is a kindness to just let them. As for the hotel, I think as Grey Kitty does - the bride's mother has an interest in seeing her own daughter happy and stress-free on her wedding day and she seems to genuinely want to see you happy too. The hotel bill is a small price to pay to make sure things run more smoothly for everyone. I actually paid for quite a bit extra for one of my bridesmaids when I got married. She protested but I knew she couldn't afford a lot of the stuff and it was FAR more important to me to have her there, not stressed out about the costs. It would have upset me if she hadn't graciously accepted my financial help - the last thing I needed to be arguing over was her letting me help her! Obviously the bride (and, by extension, her mother) care about you, otherwise you wouldn't be in the wedding party to begin with, right? You prayed for help in this difficult time and the powers that be have provided it - embrace it and remember to send that positive energy back out for someone else in the future!

[Rose Tiger]

It does feel good to help someone out.  It can be hard to accept help, when we feel unworthy.  I wonder how to overcome that, to combat the lie when we feel low self esteem.  Self talk I suppose to counteract the lie.  You are just as worthy as anyone else.  You are human, not perfect, you don't have to achieve perfection to be of worth.  Look at little babies, they don't do diddly squat but oh aren't they so precious, just for being, not doing.     Think about how adorable you were when you were a cute little kidlet, so lovable, so worthy.  Who drummed that out of us?  Let's take that power back.