rollercoaster24
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living apart six months
Posts: 362
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« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2013, 02:52:05 AM » |
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Hi bb12,
This is yet another of my big posts, so excuse me. This situation may not be like yours, but it may give you some insight, and hope it all helps you to see the dynamics involved in a BP affected family.
The ex BP in my life, (one week now) is almost 46 years old. For the past 13 years, he has cycled back and forwards to his elderly parents, every time he runs out of money and has nowhere, (see no one) else to go to.
When I met him, we were friends for several months first, and I did not find out the real truth about him, (from his parents) until it was waaaay to late.
He had told me he had a mining degree, (this was true) and he was 'in between jobs' because he had been 'helping out' his older brother for the last two years, at his brothers request.
The truth about that? His brother only needed his help temporarily, and asked him to house-sit, (look after the cats and answer the phone) for a
few weeks whilst he got out of town quickly. The brother's wife, had been stealing off companies she worked in admin for, to the tune of around a $150,000, so the law, (and several angry business men) had finally caught up with her, and she was in jail. Hence the reason the brother got out of town for a few weeks when the business men started dropping by his house or ringing up.
I wonder what his thinking was, in placing his mentally ill brother in his house to answer the door?
From the way BP talks though, he isn't afraid of anyone, and often makes violent threats and comments about people in general, worse if he happens to know anything about anyone close. So maybe he encouraged his brother to use him, that is a very likely possibility.
The reality for BP, was that he was often running out of money, having already been unemployed a year or more, and staying at his parents when his brother rang him with his latest drama. It suited him to go stay at his brothers anyhow, as it was a damn site more comfortable, (swimming pool and all mod cons at his fingertips) than the shed at his parents. When his brother returned, they would drink and smoke pot together, hanging out, but the old unresolved pain and conflict was there between them from their history together, (they had a lot to do with each other over their lives to date). So it was inevitable that they would end up in fights with that much baggage and resentment.
The older brother knew that BP had bigger issues than even he did, so eventually kept BP away from his job/social life, to protect other people's privacy, and safety (very smart). BP was very hurt about this, (which I understood, but I also understood why his brother had to protect people that BP once knew).
The way BP tells his story his brother would ring up and plead him to come over, he would get there and then his brother would become aggressive and tell him to F**Off, he also HAS to always be the victim, so he tells it that after he house-sat for several weeks, his brother kicked him back out on the streets again, (his parents shed!), because he was finished using him as a backstop for his wife's crime ring.
Knowing the way BP was when he lived at my place the first two years of our 'interaction', the real truth, is that BP used to ring me after his last violent outburst at me, (apologise and beg that he needed to see me again and yes, he needed help he was sorry). He would drive back down from his parents, and I would often be greeted at the door, with a snarling wild dog look on his face, or the Spanish Inquisition would push past me, (what, no loving hug?).
I would insist he would drive off and calm down somewhere, or I would drive off myself if he wouldn't and I could escape safely. Usually, he would have parked behind me, stolen my phone or wallet or house keys, so I would not feel comfortable walking off and also leaving him alone in my home, given the way he invades other peoples privacy. His ability to think fast on his feet to manipulate, never ceased to stun me, before I knew it, and had prepared, he would have made a lightening fast move, so I could not 'escape' his wrath, and sense of entitlement.
Life was utter heaven and hell, mostly hell. But I clutched on for that sense of heaven soo tight, it almost killed me. I always loved him, and just thought if I could be loving and understanding and supportive, try to help him feel secure, that he would love me back, and stop treating me so badly.
When he got intermittent reinforcement from me, he could then turn around and call me 'an abuser'. This is a joke, because I was firm and assertive and less likely to be verbally abusive, unless I had already been tortured for several hours first, liked a caged animal being poked, and kept awake, is how I felt most days/nights during his episodes.
It is also not safe for a woman to walk around this city at night alone, so that was never an option for me anyway, (to just walk off into the darkness to get away from his provocations.
Sometimes he would arrive and be nice, for a few days, but he would always want to 'make love' immediately after arriving, so I would feel like I was being used, even though he said it was not ever about sex for him.
It was certainly the 'Cycle of Violence' over and over again... . every 3 days for 2 years. Was he on drugs? Likely he was, all the signs outwardly and inwardly were there, he was obsessed that everyone in my life and his was on it, (except his other family, although he ranted every day that the brother I mentioned earlier was a regular 'meth user'.
Over the years since he became more disordered in his thinking, (full blown BP), he often got into physical confrontations with male members of his family/extended family/friends. He has an assault charge on his books, but his intelligence managed to talk him out of a permanent record, (so he thinks). Mental Health recently informed me, (because I was his partner) that the notes written on his file with that charge, are that they believed he is a 'sociopath' and advised me to get a restraining order and stay away from him forever.
Silly me, kept going back.
He often made threats against his Father to me, in his daily denigrations of his parents in general, and last year, he again ended up having contact with the police, because he threatened his Father with a heavy weapon.
When I later spoke with him about how it happened, BP, (the victim of his Father!) said that he believed his Father was hanging around him like a homosexual, and BP didn't like his Father getting in his very masculine way, (BP was fixing mechanical objects like 'real men' do).
The fact that he often calls his Father a homosexual, makes me wonder if his Father has sexually abused him at some point in his life. But when I hear all about how the Father treated the Mother all these years, and BP and the Mother implying the Father was always cheating, and still is, I am not sure which gender identity Father is!
The Mother finally relented! and 'allowed' the Father the chance to call the police over it. This resulted in BP having a 72 hour restraining order placed on him, his Mother was hearing from me the types of things he was doing to me as well, 4 attempted murders, (1 was premeditated). Along with the never ending horrific verbal abuse... . provocation, sleep deprivation, assaults, stealing, stalking, threats, financial abuse and the rest.
This was during conflict with him, where he ceased to stop, and I was asking him to leave my house please. He never would, amping up the violence and refusing to go off and calm down, and screaming horrific abuse at me, sometimes for hours because I couldn't escape my house.
The intermittent reinforcement I served up (when held prisoner in my own home) was enough for him to turn the tables around, and blame me for what he did. They always say they were provoked into whatever they do, (the victim).
As for the rest of BP's siblings, his eldest brother has two younger children, both him and his wife mostly do not visit the parents, (time is a factor here too), but BP often rants it is because 'he' is there.
BP has a sister, (she is the youngest), is married, and has diagnosed Bipolar Disorder, she works part-time for her husband in his electrical business, and visits her parents once or twice a month, (she talks to BP her brother whilst there). Sometimes he is OK with her, and others he perceives her as being rude to him about not working, and other comments, however BP doesn't realise that he has often been very rude first.
I do not condone his sister making comments like that to him, but it is like he has absolutely no memory of his own actions, even from minutes before. Who can tell if it is selective, or there is some other deeper psychological issue in there?
BP is always still invited to Family Birthdays/Christmas/parties/dinners/events however, he chooses not to go, because he says he feels bad because he is poor, and cannot afford to anyway. (I understood this and often validated his feelings as much as I could, except the violent ones).
He often would ask if I wanted to go without him, but given I have anxiety in crowded places, I declined anyway, even if I did not have anxiety, I would turn it down simply because he would hold it against me later if I went.
Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
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