How do you tell the inlaws their son is pwBPD?

[Mcgddss]

My inlaws don't know what their son/ my huBPD has been doing because they live 3 hours away.

They have said they notice that he is angry more and always addicted to using the computer to edit photos.

I am trying to deal with them without letting them know until we get a diagnosis.

Has anyone been through letting the family know?

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[Jeansok]

Hey there, I am also a newbie. Long story short I didn't know what was wrong with my H the first year and a half of our marriage. We will be married 2 years this October. I just thought it was his own anger issues and guilt from us being apart before we got married. At first I thought he was bipolar but I'm 100% he's BPD. My inlaws also live about 2 1/2 hours away and they know some of what was going on. I told my mother in law I thought he had BPD and we were both going to be starting counceling next week. They notice weird behavior with him, but not to the full extent I have experienced it and I was careful not to be "blaming" of their son. They have said many times they are greatful for me because they know what I try and go through... . which makes me beleive this has been an issue in his past 2 marriages. I know, 2 right?... . how long have you been married? Do you have kids?

[Jeansok]

... . also my H has not been officially diagnosed either

[Rockylove]

I don't know that I'd say anything to them unless there is a really good reason for doing so... . especially if there is no diagnosis yet.  Part of the reason that my bf suffers so is because of his mother's emotional unavailability, the invalidation and the mysterious disappearance of my bf's father and subsequent denial of contact.  Not going to share that tidbit!  I wouldn't want to alienate my mother-in-law by suggesting BPD (she was a research editor and no doubt she'd look up all the info she could) if there was a possibility that she'd think I was placing any responsibility on her.  Way too much info!  (PS... . If we marry, I'll be wife #4 and none of them lasted longer than 2 years!)

[Jeansok]

Rocky I am wife #3... . my H parents are very supportive. I dont know where his BPD nature stems from. I just can't beleive these stories are dead on to what I experience. Im so glad I found this site... .

[Chosen]

My H is undiagnosed and as far as I am concerned, he doesn't think he needs any help.  My in-laws, at most, knows that he can be a difficult person but they don't know the things I went through.  H's sister also sometimes sense certain things are "off" with him- like his responses to certain things, but I suppose she too thinks he's just a difficult person.

I have to say, I haven't thought of telling the in-laws simply because it wouldn't help the situation.  First, he hasn't been diagnosed.  Second, the nature of BPD is that they do perform differently in front of different people, so it can easily backfire (and make you look like the devil).  And third, even if the in-laws knew, and they accept what I say, they don't necessarily have the tools to handle it- after all, we're here and we're still learning.  Worse still, if they blurt it out to their son then it ruins everything (his son's trust in them/ you, your relationship).  I suppose I won't consider telling them unless they have a strong suspicion that something is wrong and ask me about it, then I will assess the situation.

[Jeansok]

In my situation my H parents know something is off and has seen his weird behavior. Asking me constantlt how everything is. I felt safe with them knowing. My mither in law has even said thungs eluding to the fact I shouldn't say certain things in fear it will cause problems between my H and I. Like me say something to my H just as simple as dissagreeing. He hadnr even been to see his folks in a few years. Tho they have been up to see him. It wasnt until after we were married a year and a half ago I met them. Last christmas was we were supposed to go see them and as the time approached my H became detached and more excuses why we wouldn't be able to go last minute. Well I was tired of letting people down because of him I took the kids and went anyway. They were looking forward to us being there and prepared for so long. I told my H I wish he'd go with us. His dad told me "this was on him" and they all couldn't thank me enough for coming. My H when I ask him does he wants to do something hell indicate yes but "he cant or wont"   I know his parents an have seen them be dissapointed countless times because of him changibg his mind. I actually told my H I wasnt going to let people down anymore.

The night I went withought him he texted me how he wished he was there and missed me so much... . oh I should also mention this was the FIRST time I would have been in his hometown (not to meet his parents) but he let me drive 2 1/2 hrs alone with the kids anyway... . but after telling me how much he missed me he still didn't come and the next day I didnt gear anything out of him. I was "supposed to" be heading home before 4 and his mom made sure I was out if there at a decent time... . so it wouldnt make him mad. They know something and he's completely been rude qnd practically ignored them before when they xame to get our son for a few days... . he let his 60 year old mom carry the carseat and stuff down stairs by herself! In his right state of mind he would have never allowed that being the gentlemen ive seen him to be... . oh they can tell alright in my case

[Jeansok]

... . I think it depends on the relationship and situation as far as telling your in laws... . but im very brand new at this and thats just my case. I think u should do whats best for u and like chosen said might not be the best to tell them but wanted to share my experience. My husband when we finally went to see his family together - broke down in front of them admitting he needs to fet help but not exactly for what... . I was there supporting him and they could see that so In my xase I dont think its a shock or feel like im trying to cause problems. I am not perfect myself and do have my own issues. I just dont understand what made him this way I know it doesnt always stem from a bad childhood because he didnt have a bad one. In facr was really involved in his church and youth in HS. Wasnt until his early 20's he even started drinking. He was married to his first wife 5 years and of course according to him she was the craxy one and found out she accused him of abusing her. Hmmmm ... . his second wife he said lasted about a year and she ended with him over text. He used to be in a job where money wasnt an issue andnow he's been through 4-5 jobs In oast year and a half and we practically live paycheck. He did manage a company for 7 years before the mortgage industry headed downhill. He's 38 now and this was about 6 years ago. Since then he's had a ton of jobs. Not that thats always a bad thing but with BPD from reading walking on eggshells is pretty common... . I kind of got ofc topic there sorry :-)  just things kept coming to me and I found myself on another topic

[Jeansok]

Once again I'm sorry for the typos I have been doing this on my phone

[CodependentHusband]

Voice of experience here... . But take my unprofessional opinion for what it is worth. I've been down this part of the road before, with having involved my in-laws by informing them of the chaos and erratic behavior of my wife for about the first 18 months of my almost 3 year marriage (2nd marriage for me and my dBPDw, BTW).

Being 100% honest here, involving my in-laws was a big mistake in my case that I would definitely have handled differently if I knew then what I know now. With that said, 2 good things came out of it: 1. My father in law was able to get my wife to a psychiatrist. Something I tried my best to convince her to do on my own for all of the right reasons, but was never successful with on my own. 2. My wife got a diagnosis for BPD, a condition that I knew next to nothing about, up until about a week before her visit to the psychiatrist.

I can now say with certainty, that those two things, as positive and helpful as they sound, were not worth the backlash. Why do I say that? Well, some significant damage was done to my marriage by my actions. I'm not going to mince words about that and make excuses about how I had no idea what damaging effects my actions could have on the marriage would be (even though that would be true). I feel now that I have to own my part in what my actions have caused. It seriously eroded the trust my dBPDw had/has in me. Trusting others is already a big challenge for many people with BPD, and what I did only served to prove to my wife that I couldn't be trusted to not talk about her behind her back.

Another thing that happened was that while she initially embraced the diagnosis and seemed committed to getting treatment, that changed within a few months to what seems to remain a full blown denial of not only BPD, but a denial that there is anything wrong whatsoever. It really is true that a pwBPD must absolutely want to get better on their own, and any attempts to persuade them into treatment will end up making things worse 95% of the time.

I want to point out that this response isn't directed at any particular person. I'm speaking in generalities here based on my personal experience... . So, what is to be gained by informing anyone, friends, family, co-workers of a suspected or confirmed BPD condition? What good will come of that? Their role is not to be a therapist, so, they can't help treat the pwBPD. Their role isn't to try to force the pwBPD into treatment (and doing so only serves to making things worse).

Maybe as a non we hope to get some support from our in-laws by telling them what our pwBPD is doing... . Fair enough, but I'd suggest getting specific support about difficulties with your partner elsewhere, like your closest friends or family members from your side of the family. It's just not worth the risk and high likelyhood of damage to the relationship in my opinion to involve the in-laws. If it is validation that you want, rest assured that they are probably well aware of the fact that the pwBPD is sometimes quite difficult to deal with. Having a name/label for it may not be as helpful for them as it seems to us at first. All of my close family on both sides know that my wife was diagnosed with BPD, and to the best of my knowledge, not one of them has researched what it means and how to best support the pwBPD.


Sorry if I sound judgemental and/or critical about this topic. I'm probably passionate about it because it's one of my regrets in life to have discussed my wife's behavior with my in-laws. That's not because they haven't been supportive of me... . In fact, they have been wonderful, and seem to think the same of me, but it hasn't directly benefitted me or my wife in any significant way.


So, what now? Well, I can tell you that my quality of life is much better now. I can tell you that although my marriage is nothing like what I had initially thought it would be, but that my marriage is overall good. I can tell you that I love my wife more every day. All of that is true. My wife has no desire to get treatment, so, I'm sure that these positives I mention seem to make no sense. All I can say is that I've worked awfully hard on really working the tools and methods here such as Radical Acceptance, detaching with love, validation, SET, listening to my wife way more than talking, and finding a way to see her as more of an equal, despite her weaknesses (of which we all have in one area or another ouselves). For me, it's been well worth the time spent.

Do I have bad days? Sure. They come, but are a lot less frequent and nowhere nearly as intense for me. I REALLY care about you other nons here. When I joined the site my life was in absolute chaos. I want you to know that it can and will get better if you stick with the program here. Stretch yourself and try to really understand and practice what the experienced nons say is the best approach. I promise it works. Best of luck to you all. I'm really sorry that you are going through a hard time. Always hold on to the hope. If I can do this, I know that you can too.

[Foreverhopefull]

Up to about 2 years ago, dBPDh and I kept everything about this from everyone, it was very hard... . for me. I had no support, no one to talk to or anything. He just said that he was used to being alone,so he didn't care (I knew that was bull sh$t).

Then, after a very scary night, I had no choice to talk. He went into this very scary and physical rage and I had to call the cops. I had to call my family to come pick up our dog and me... . I couldn't hide the 4 patrol cars and 8 cops at my house or my busted lip or the haNPDrint on my neck. I couldn't hide it from them anymore when then heard me tell the cops he was BPD and had been drinking heavily and not taking his meds for the past week or so or when there was 6 cops holding him on the floor and he was screaming to them to kill him like the rabid dog that he is. The closet had busted wide open for the world to see.

Since then, it's been full disclosure all the way. It was the best decision we have ever had. After 10 years without talking to his family, he gave me permission to contact them and tell them everything (he still refuses to see them). Since then, no one asks questions. They ask I am, how he is and that's it. It was a major relief for me, I know have the support I need to ground me, he has less worries about what people will think... . He's motto right now is "how bad can it be? They know I'm nuts already" (believe me it's his words)

[Jeansok]

Thank you CodependentHusband, I am completely brand new at this and am sure I am not doing everything correctly, just in my case I mentioned to my in laws briefly but haven't said much more about it. They know something is off, but thank you for the advise as a seasoned person it really helps.

Foreverhopefull, I had a similar experience one night when H was drinking... . I had to call the police and stay with a friend that night - first and only time that's happened, but the fits of rage can def be scary... .

I'm a newbie here and this is all very much helping me learn

[waverider]

My situation was a little different in that my partner has been diagnosed with psychiatric illness most of her life and was accepting that (though misdiag with OCD plus other issues rather than BPD). Her family was kind of in denial of mental illness and treated her old school style of just needing to get her act together.

What I did was send both her mum and her adult son(who lived with his dad since he was 9, now 23) a copy of the eggshells book, and said this is what she has do you recognize any of this and does it explain anything. This was after I realized she was BPD and she had been diag, but was still blocking it. 2 years ago.

To this day I dont think either of them has read it, when I enquire they just say they haven't time. My partner knows now I have done this and she is grateful, and she now accepts her diagnosis.

BUT after she accepted diagnosis and realized there was no quick fix, and help was in the too hard basket she was shattered having to accept many of the dramas in her life were down to her own behavior. The next 5 months resulted in a total of nearly 20 overdoses with 15 trips to hospital in an ambulance as desperate cries for help. Keep in mind she has been in acceptance of being mentally ill all her life this was just a new diag. Rather than going from thinking you are fine to "no sorry all the screws ups are your doing and there's no pill for it".

So be careful, do not explain anything to anyone until they are ready and wanting to hear the truth. Odds are they can do nothing about it anyway.

Shooting the messenger is a big risk with this disorder, even the sufferer is best left in ignorance of the dx until they are wiling enough to do something about it. You say disorder, they hear total failure, you hate me, you are the one then accused with with the problem.

[byfaith]

I spoke to my mother in law one time about my uBPDw's behavior or accusations towards me. I only spoke to her because I know she is a common sense person and genuinely prays. I just wanted to get a womans point of view on what my wife said she was feeling because I felt my wifes thoughts were abnormal. (my uBPDw says that I am just as bad as someone who actually commits adultery because I had thoughts about a woman 8 years ago while I was married to my previous wife)  I never told my mother in law her about BPD though. I just said your daughter suffers with mental illness which my mother in law already knew my wife battled depression since she was a teenager. My uBPDw is now in her early 50's. My mother in law has vowed silence on this. I don't burden her any longer with anything. I have only shared with 3 people on the matter. Its hard because there are behaviors that alienate you from other people and you really can't say anything. If my wife found out I have said anything to anyone that would be the ultimate betrayal and I could never be trusted and would be tagged a liar about all things. My wife has already asked me if I have spoken to anyone about this I had to say no "I have not". 

[allibaba]

Well, some significant damage was done to my marriage by my actions. I'm not going to mince words about that and make excuses about how I had no idea what damaging effects my actions could have on the marriage would be (even though that would be true). I feel now that I have to own my part in what my actions have caused. It seriously eroded the trust my dBPDw had/has in me. Trusting others is already a big challenge for many people with BPD, and what I did only served to prove to my wife that I couldn't be trusted to not talk about her behind her back.

I can really relate.  Although my husband didn't realize that I was talking to few select close people and although my comments always came from a place of love... . it just wasn't right.  I feel like I broke his trust.  I told one person about the BPD but at the end of the day, I don't think it really did any good.  The thing was -- I should have been working on myself and my role... . not focusing on him.  At the end of the day, I was able to go back and cover up some of the 'sharing' that I had done.  I basically told the family that I took responsibility for some of the craziness in our house and that it was inappropriate of me to put blame on him.  They accepted my comments at face value and moved on.

Sorry if I sound judgemental and/or critical about this topic. I'm probably passionate about it because it's one of my regrets in life to have discussed my wife's behavior with my in-laws. That's not because they haven't been supportive of me... . In fact, they have been wonderful, and seem to think the same of me, but it hasn't directly benefitted me or my wife in any significant way.

Again I can relate!

So, what now? Well, I can tell you that my quality of life is much better now. I can tell you that although my marriage is nothing like what I had initially thought it would be, but that my marriage is overall good. I can tell you that I love my wife more every day. All of that is true. My wife has no desire to get treatment, so, I'm sure that these positives I mention seem to make no sense. All I can say is that I've worked awfully hard on really working the tools and methods here such as Radical Acceptance, detaching with love, validation, SET, listening to my wife way more than talking, and finding a way to see her as more of an equal, despite her weaknesses (of which we all have in one area or another ouselves). For me, it's been well worth the time spent.

Do I have bad days? Sure. They come, but are a lot less frequent and nowhere nearly as intense for me. I REALLY care about you other nons here. When I joined the site my life was in absolute chaos. I want you to know that it can and will get better if you stick with the program here. Stretch yourself and try to really understand and practice what the experienced nons say is the best approach. I promise it works. Best of luck to you all. I'm really sorry that you are going through a hard time. Always hold on to the hope. If I can do this, I know that you can too.

Wow again I am in the same place right now.  He has no desire to get treatment but working these tools is really working.  I love my husband 1000x more today than the day that I met him... . and that was a decade ago. 

The few conversations that I have with people that know there is something OFF with my husband (it was only recently there was a little crack in his external persona)... . I tell them lovingly that I am starting to understand where he is coming from (actually I really am) and that I was contributing to his behavior (again the truth).  I don't ever label it for what it is because at the end of the day... . I don't think that it would add anything positive to our lives.

[Mike76]

Good Question and I would love to know... .

I sent I email to her dad several months ago... . she has a very broken relationship with her family.

I thought I had a starting point but it got now where... .

I said... . "I am sure you can you see (your daughter), is struggle... . as a parent do you have any suggestions"

The response I got was  "In the couple conversations I have had with her, I think she is telling me false information.   The only thing I can say about it is she needs professional counseling."

There was no offering to help, or open lines for communication.

So I am really stuck... .

[waverider]

Good Question and I would love to know... .

I sent I email to her dad several months ago... . she has a very broken relationship with her family.

I thought I had a starting point but it got now where... .

I said... . "I am sure you can you see (your daughter), is struggle... . as a parent do you have any suggestions"

The response I got was  "In the couple conversations I have had with her, I think she is telling me false information.   The only thing I can say about it is she needs professional counseling."

There was no offering to help, or open lines for communication.

So I am really stuck... .

Thats because they are often stuck themselves, they would have had to deal with issues in the past. To some it is hard times they prefer not to relive. They also may feel like they are betraying their daughter by adding into the issue. Some are just glad its not their problem anymore.

The approach I took was to give them tools and tips on how they could relate better with their daughter, rather than asking them to help me. Some may welcome this as it is something positive to help the parents relationship with the child. Whatever you choose feel your way slowly, and be prepared to drop it as not productive. Some may even take it as a criticism of the family or their parenting. Especially when you consider genetics and family background can have a role in this. You may even find the disorder or related disorders in the family, but as an "outsider" it may not be obvious to you. I certainly suspect this of my partners family, but they are all high functioning, but there is a feel of facade around them, and lack of empathy/self serving is definitely ringing bells. So caution is  required.

Have you asked for opinions on the Coping and Healing Boards where there are parents dealing with a BPD child? I know at the support groups I go to there are many parents tearing their hair out a with BPD children. The devastation they feel can be as much if not worse then a partner. Most fear suicidal consequences, and of course they feel responsible at times and dont have the option to leave.

[waverider]

I don't ever label it for what it is because at the end of the day... . I don't think that it would add anything positive to our lives.

Neither would they have any real idea what BPD is, it would just sound like excuse making psychobabble. You have to live it to know it

[iluminati]

I've told my in-laws that my wife is BPD, and it worked out well.  I think it worked out well because 1) I had a diagnosis and 2)  it was related to current, actionable information.  There's no point in hiding a major crisis if it's obvious. 

In my case, my in-laws didn't seem to care.  Once I explained what BPD was to my MIL, she just said "Oh OK" and hasn't said anything about it since.  My FIL was just obsessed with it being his fault somehow, and didn't really ask too much about the details behind it all.

Remember, someone with BPD is in that spot because something went really, really wrong with their family.  Do you think they'll be able to help much unless they've done a lot of work themselves?

[NoSocks]

Hi there,  my situation as it stands now is that my uBPD's family do not want to know whats wrong. They are either in complete denial or don't want to make it their problem. Two Christmas's ago I asked my mother-inlaw for help as her son (my uBPD) needed extensive help. She said calmly and clearly that she didn't want to get involved. Background info - my H has been diagnosed with depression since childhood. The tid bits my H has shared about how he's treated his mom let me know that she knows how violent he can be. Not to mention the suicide attemps, the police being called. I have even tried speaking to my H pastor who married us and after the first meeting with him where he said he would talk to the family he no long pursued helping me. But, this pastor works for my H brother. I know how awful that assumption is, but it is the truth of my sad situation.

[Chosen]

Sadly, even though the in-laws may be close to your spouse, they are still rather detached since you don't live with them (if you all live together they probably would've noticed something "off" by now).  Therefore, I think they will likely choose denial- maybe not denial that something's wrong, but denial of him having a "disorder"- it sounds serious!

And to be honest, if they have to take a side, they will probably take their son/ daughter's side rather than a son-in-law/ daughter-in-law's side, no matter how your relationship to them may be.

[waverider]

In short it is a difficult balancing whether to or not.

The real question is what are the benefits, how can it help you, apart from feeling validated in your view of it?

I found it just another source of stress and frustration that adds little.

[Mcgddss]

Thank you everyone for all the great posts - being a newbie they have given me a great view of the disorder.

Should have mentioned that my uBPDh had cancer as a child in the '70s.  This is the event that caused his trauma/lack of trust.

He has 4 medical diagnosis already.  They are used to me being the one to communicate about his health.  We are now getting into the psychiatric diagnoses - depression and short term memory loss.

I have a good relationship with his psychiatrist, but of course he is away on sick leave right now.  I am waiting for our meeting with our new counselor.  I mentioned the meeting last night and uBPDh said "It's not on the calendar" but it was.  Will post again after that meeting.

Thanks again!

[jonnyz]

I don't know that I'd say anything to them unless there is a really good reason for doing so... . especially if there is no diagnosis yet.  Part of the reason that my bf suffers so is because of his mother's emotional unavailability, the invalidation and the mysterious disappearance of my bf's father and subsequent denial of contact.  Not going to share that tidbit!  I wouldn't want to alienate my mother-in-law by suggesting BPD (she was a research editor and no doubt she'd look up all the info she could) if there was a possibility that she'd think I was placing any responsibility on her.  Way too much info!  (PS... . If we marry, I'll be wife #4 and none of them lasted longer than 2 years!)

what makes you think being wife number 5 will be any different than the other 4 marriages?  especially if he is not getting therapy.  Just a thought.