Do I explain to her why I'm not contacting her?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So she just reached out through email (the only means of communication left open).  She's not being apologetic or begging for me to take her back or anything.  She is more just expressing pain that I severed all ties with her. 

Do I explain to her why I'm not contacting her or do I just maintain my silence?  I don't want to get sucked back in but I also don't want her to think I'm trying to be purposely cruel. 

[Tordesillas]

So she just reached out through email (the only means of communication left open).  She's not being apologetic or begging for me to take her back or anything.  She is more just expressing pain that I severed all ties with her. 

Do I explain to her why I'm not contacting her or do I just maintain my silence?  I don't want to get sucked back in but I also don't want her to think I'm trying to be purposely cruel. 

[Vindi]

ITS best if you maintain your silence, after a while she will have to figure out you are just not interested in "any contact"... . No contact means just that... . NC... . sometimes you may not have the chance to say "don't contact me ever again"... . etc... . but if i was trying to get in touch with someone, and kept getting no response, nada, nothing, after a while i'd figure that, that person has just moved on and is not interested... . cuz bascially if you were interested you could get in touch with her.

[bondafc]

No, absolutely not.

NC is about healing for you, not her.

a.) The BPD won't let her understand anyway.

b.) It will just re-set the clock back to zero for you.

Delete any and all messages... . period... .

Me, I bought a nice pen and a note book.

At the top of the first page I wrote:

"It's NOT OK, that she... . "

Then, in bullet form, wrote down every nasty,stupid, insensitive, thing she said or did to me... .

Whenever I get the urge to reach out or respond to an email, I re-read the list... .

Respect.

[Changed4safety]

I am wrestling with this too.  I feel so guilty. 

[Confusedandhurt]

I wrestle with this very often.  I try to remind myself that the only time my ex has contacted me was when she needed something.  It's really sobering for me to know that, but it's true.  What hurts is that even after all of the times I have made it clear to her how much I have been hurt, she continues to contact me when she needs something.  No empathy whatsoever.

Stay strong... .

[patientandclear]

I have a different view. I don't see why it's necessary to behave like WE have BPD & have no empathy.  I think disappearing w/o an explanation is cruel no matter who does it, especially to someone w/abandonment issues. What's the harm in "Please understand that I need time & space to heal. I wish you the best but nee not to be in touch."

There is no NC "clock" we're scoring ourselves by, right? NC is a tool for healing, not a goal in itself. I think starting off in a way you yourself can be proud of is helpful to peace of mind when you're on the hard path of detaching from a BPD r/s.  Having explained, you can follow through--it doesn't make it harder to adhere to NC to have explained yourself first, at least in my experience. In fact, when my ex reached out after about 3 months of NC, it was much easier for me to reinforce my decision & maintain NC because I had explained gently & respectfully why I wasn't going to be in contact.  I believed in my decision & didn't feel guilt about it.

[aviator7]

Patientandclear -

I agree with what you said and I have hurt mine, and he has left and jumped into a full time relationship with someone else.

I want to reach out and apologize, but I dont want him to think that I am trying to get him back and I dont want him telling everyone, "See she was wrong and I am right"

Thoughts?

[laelle]

P&C  

I agree that we should continue to respect the ending of relationship just as we did the entirety of it.  Its hard for some people to maintain contact as the pull is so great.

I think its whatever that particular person can handle.  If it were too much for me, I would vote me and do what I could do.

[leftbehind]

I just heard from him yesterday, some inane email hoping I had lots of "kick ass things going on in my life."  It neither addresses how I am feeling, or acknowledges the painful and chaotic way he ended our relationship.  For me, the easier path is to have NC, like he gave me for the last two months.  I also found out he recently lied about a bunch of stuff, so I don't believe he deserves the respect of a response.  That would be putting my own needs last, and choosing to take care of his feelings ahead of my own.  No more. 

[laelle]

He probably wont acknowledge the painful way he ended the relationship because he lives in denial (defense mechanism)  My ex use to play things out like the things he said and did to me were no big deal and I was over dramatizing things.  (im a blood sucking vampire btw   ) 

It sounds like he may be trying to test the water and see how you respond.  I think your refusal to respond is a GREAT response.  If your done, dont respond and eventually he will go away.  If you respond and explain that you arent going to have any kind of relationship with him, it could be a sign to him that you are still willing to negotiate.

Be strong and vote you!

[leftbehind]

It sounds like he may be trying to test the water and see how you respond.

This is what my intuition tells me too.  There is also a possibility that he sent the same email to multiple women, because he didn't put my name or any type of greeting on it other than, "Hello there."  I know this sounds paranoid, but I found out another ex did that a few years back, sending the same generic emails to a couple of us to see who would bite.