Love or in love

[Depression = 72% of members]

The other day I received a text from my stbexw.  It basically said I will always be in love with you but I can't be in-love, it hurts too bad.  Now I look at it this way - I would much rather be loved than in love.  To me if youu love someone that means its a deeper connection, where you are closer to being one person, where you have built a good foundation, memories, and it is something that will never fade.  I love my parents, my children, etc - am I in love with them - no - it;s deeper than that. 

To me being in love is something short term - heck in HS I had a lot of girls I was in love with at one time - do I constantly think about them and care for them still - no - di we develope a good foundation or memories that will never fade - no.  I would much rather love someone and love them deeply than being in love with someone.  So why did she say she will always love me but she can't be in love with me becuase it hurts too bad? 

[cal644]

The other day I received a text from my stbexw.  It basically said I will always be in love with you but I can't be in-love, it hurts too bad.  Now I look at it this way - I would much rather be loved than in love.  To me if youu love someone that means its a deeper connection, where you are closer to being one person, where you have built a good foundation, memories, and it is something that will never fade.  I love my parents, my children, etc - am I in love with them - no - it;s deeper than that. 

To me being in love is something short term - heck in HS I had a lot of girls I was in love with at one time - do I constantly think about them and care for them still - no - di we develope a good foundation or memories that will never fade - no.  I would much rather love someone and love them deeply than being in love with someone.  So why did she say she will always love me but she can't be in love with me becuase it hurts too bad? 

[Newton]

Perhaps looking at the nature of BPD will help... . change the word "love" for "attachment"... . or "enmeshment".

This isn't a healthy bond they develop at all... . it's parasitic.

You are right cal... . it isn't how I understand love at all.

What she said makes sense (when looking through the filter of BPD thinking), becoming enmeshed, attached, dependent hurts her... . intimacy creates fear, fear of abandonment creates fear... . fear of fear itself creates more fear... .

"Love"... . as they see it... . equals pain.  Yet they keep repeating the same cyclical pattern in the hope that the next host will calm their inner turmoil.

[blecker]

In my experience it is best to replace the word "need" whenever the word "love" is used by a person suffering with BPD.

Objects are substience. 

[LostSunshine]

An interesting topic cal.  My ex says all the the things a BPD says in the beginning by lobbing the new victim a "love bomb".  However it's not love in the sense that we all grew up with.  We all can realize that the newness of the relationship happens when the two partners are love bombing each other... . what makes the difference in a normal relationship vs. a BPD relationship is that the natural fade of that new love turns into a more mature, intimate bond.  That is a place BPD's can't go, as they are not emotionally mature enough to make that journey.

On her way out the door of our relationship, my ex proclaimed that she would always love me, and didn't want me out of her life.  Is that love in the sense that we know it?  Possibly.  Is it fear of abandonment?  More than likely.  She's shown a real reluctance to let anyone go, regardless of if she's caused them pain or not.  In her mind, if they don't like her anymore she may cut them out and pretend not to give it a second thought, but I know for a fact it eats her up inside.  When her current relationship eventually goes on the rocks, I would expect her to try and keep the current target around on the side as supply, much in the same way she is doing to me.  The only difference between them and me?  I've lasted 16 years, they last anywhere from 1-2 years.

[Clearmind]

To really love someone is being able to speak the words and put the actions into place.

Intimacy/Lasting Love = You and your partner + messages of appreciation/respect/trust

The word Love is overused – it has become a catch cry for almost any feeling we have towards another person: Love is mutual trust and respect for one another – and removes the need to change the other person – you love them unconditionally – accept them and nurture the differences rather than tear them down. Love is pretty raw and simplistic – its not at all complicated.