Going to try not to look at his fb page for 2 weeks - APPLAUSE PLEASE

[DarkCurls54]

I have had it down to once a week on Thursdays for the past month and a half... .   I think I am finally ready to take it to the next level of NC... .   Yes - I miss certain things and I am feeling really empty and blaming myself, but I know it would be a very healthy step for me to start REALLY BELIEVING that this is ALL behind me, that it REALLY is part of my past and it will NEVER be my future... .

I am hoping to be very proud of me.

[caughtnreleased]

Good for you! in my opinion, most of Facebook is a distorted version of the truth... . and in some cases, just an outright lie.  Why do you want to pour energy into worrying about something which really is not reality? Clear your mind and focus on other, REAL, things!

[Octoberfest]

I am basically doing the same thing.  I have not had facebook for several months but the BPD-ex did.  It was set to private but I had a friends info so i could see her page and the things she put on it.  She cheated on me throughout our relationship and it was a way for me to see if what she was telling me matched what she was telling the world.  It got bad- I was checking it probably 3x a day, way more than she ever put stuff on it.  And it was doing nothing more than torture me, as I DID discover she was cheating again via it.  After breaking up i continued to torment myself by looking and seeing posts of her and the new guy and pictures of them all smiles.  I haven't looked at her page in over a week now, just went cold turkey, and I feel great about it.  There is still a nagging whisper to do it, but I know that it isn't going to do anything positive.  I just started NC with her TODAY.  I have failed an unknown number of times already doing it, but I really feel like all the times before I was in the denial stage that things could really be over and that there was NOTHING I could do to make it better.  I think I am transitioning to the acceptance and healing stages and while I am sad for sure and I have been randomly brought to tears all today, I feel good.  Feel like there is actually a way up from the dark tunnels I have been in for so long.  That there is another reality besides the constant, daily worries, struggles, and fears.

I wish you luck, and challenge you to drop the habit all together.  Coming from someone who has held on to my BPD-ex for WAY too long, the healing can't really begin until YOU decide to move on, that your life is more important than what they are doing with theirs.

[DarkCurls54]

Thanks!  It is Day 1!  I am just going to imagine how wonderful I am going to feel once I succeed in freeing myself for good!

[fakename]

haha, darkcurls54, i hope you stay strong... . it def helped when i stopped stalking my ex... .

keep in mind its just a habit to check... . make a new habit of not checking... .

stay strong... . the step youre taking def. helps

[mango_flower]

You can do it!

I was the WORST at one point, but suddenly I have gone the other way - I get massive anxiety even THINKING about her.  I physically shake when I check my emails at the moment, in case she has sent one. (3 days clear so far). 

I feel sick at the thought of even checking her fb... .

YOU CAN DO THIS!

x

[Changed4safety]

You can do this... . love the idea that we just have to make it a "new habit."   

Was doing OK then broke down today... . it hurt.  Why do I keep torturing myself? 

My "new" day 1, too.  Thinking of starting a thread for us no-FB-checkers to support each other and post when we are weak, LOL!

[fakename]

@changed4safety,

just make sure you dont beat yourself up for breaking down today... . it's not a big deal... .

but yea, it'll only bring you pain, if they ignore or dont reply to our liking, and even if they do reply to our liking, it's only a temporary relief or distraction... . just setting ourselves up for failure and more pain... .

the beginning was extremely tough for me... . it gets better if you stay on the good path... . slowly, but it does get better. commit to yourself. i would continually tell myself 'no matter what, i am not going to take her back'... . and i made sure i knew why... . and over the course of 4 months i would recognize different reasons why every now and then... .

dont beat yourself up... . ___ happens

[Surnia]

DarkCurls

yes, you can be proud of you. 

Do you have other plans or new projects for the future?

[DarkCurls54]

Thank you, Dear People, for the great support!  I have been in a process of deep self-reflection, trying to figure out how I came to be entranced by such an un-well Encounter with a pwBPD... .   I have been reading a fascinating book called  "Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood"

by Wayne Muller.  It doesn't really feature anything that will make you sit up and scream WOW, but the WAY he says it, and the way he has organized the material is nurturing and kind.

I had been away from ruminating over the failed relationship for months when Suddenly I felt overwhelmed with grief for "what had been lost."  I cam back to this website to help me sort it all out.

What I am finding is that the urge to re-examine the relationship started up at an important turning point in my life - I am graduating from Seminary - and instead of rejoicing with abandon, I am suddenly feeling that what I have accomplished is just not quite "enough" somehow, and am feeling like I ALLOWED someone to steal my joy.

In looking back at the BPD relationship, I can see how the abusive behavior I absorbed was somehow "familiar" to me... .   because a pattern of invalidation by "loved ones" had been drilled into me since my earliest days on the planet... .

So - what can I do now?

I can recognize that this has happened, I can understand that I was susceptible to it, I can TRY to forgive myself for having the very endearing human needs for acceptance, encouragement, love, and respect... .   I can try to forgive others for being slaves to their own negativity.  AND - the most important thing of all:  I can VOW never ever never to be like or behave the same way as the people who hurt me.

It won't happen over night, but a simple measure - not looking at a fb page - can only help in my healing.

[Changed4safety]

DarkCurls, what a great insight!  It means there is work to be done, but now you understand where a core wound is, and you can begin to take steps to change it.  I had a similar experience--it's a weird feeling to have something great to celebrate and not have anyone to do that with (I have a double whammy as I moved 1,000 miles away from my friends to put physical distance between me and my ex.)  Same with bad things and wanting comfort.  You are going to figure out how you can give that validation to yourself, and the gleeful thing is this means you can never truly be abandoned when you are there for yourself! 

[charred]

I am pretty sure nothing good has come from FB when it comes to pwBPD and relationships.

FB helped my exBPDgf chase me down 27 yrs after we split... . and the electricity was still there... . a divorce and my life devastated a second time later, and I no longer use FB for anything. My exBPDgf maintains multiple accounts, she has one that is pretty much to taunt me, its where I first found out that she had a new guy (less than a week after her not showing for us to move in together... . we were talking marriage... . again... . just like all those years ago, and again she dumped and hooked up with new guy.)

So I was stuck looking myself, and it was bad or worse each time... . pics of the guy, then pics of the guy and her a few miles from my house (which is 250 miles from her... . so no accident)... . then she gets dumped and finds she has an STD... . and comes back for emotional support from me!

I went LC about a year ago, and NC about 8 months ago and have only looked at FB about one time a month as a heads up... . to what you may wonder? Well my exBPDgf is just like Jodi Arias... . she has a degree of rage that scares me, has stalked me and my exwife for periods of time, twice showed up early on holidays (while we were apart)... . saying she missed me and wanted to have sex... . and was very hostile just under the surface... . the last time she wanted me to go take a shower afterwords and I freaked and ran her out of the house.

So... . be strong, if you know the r/s is toxic, avoid the poison.

Good luck.

[Validation78]

 

Bravo DC! and to all of us who take each day, one at a time, committing ourselves to healthy, positive changes in our lives, forgiving ourselves for being human, and knowing that we can rise above the adversity by supporting ourselves, and each other!

Best Wishes,

Val78 

[caughtnreleased]

In looking back at the BPD relationship, I can see how the abusive behavior I absorbed was somehow "familiar" to me... .   because a pattern of invalidation by "loved ones" had been drilled into me since my earliest days on the planet... .

So - what can I do now?

I can recognize that this has happened, I can understand that I was susceptible to it, I can TRY to forgive myself for having the very endearing human needs for acceptance, encouragement, love, and respect... .   I can try to forgive others for being slaves to their own negativity.  AND - the most important thing of all:  I can VOW never ever never to be like or behave the same way as the people who hurt me.

It won't happen over night, but a simple measure - not looking at a fb page - can only help in my healing.

Thank you for writing these words.  I feel as though I come from and am in a similar place. 

[jmc8899]

This is a great start DarkCurls!  Detaching is so difficult but you can do it!