Adult Child of Mother who I believe has BPD

[hthayer44]

I am 22 years old and have been trying to self-diagnose my mother's mystery illness since I was able to think critically (from a very young age). She has always refused to seek help and has been gradually deteriorating before my eyes. I started researching BPD about a year ago and have been able to subtly improve my relationship with my mother (who has been extremely emotionally abusive to my sister and me since we were kids). I have watched her wither away and turn to drugs and alcohol, retreated inside of her dark damp cave of denial. I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with her mentally, however the rest of my family gets caught up in trying to fix things I only consider to be symptoms (mood swings, unstable interpersonal relationships, low self-esteem, no job, etc). They place blame on her for her perceived unwillingness to get help or change. I know that it is not an unwillingness, but an inability. I have no where else to go. I am perplexed by the seemingly unanswerable question, "How do you get someone help who refuses they are ill?" Meanwhile, my family is being ripped apart, and all I seek is a deeper understanding of her illness. My dad is divorcing her after 25 years, after she spent their entire savings and has been having online and in-person affairs. The problem that I have been keeping at bay (because I figured at least my dad can maintain her survival), is now becoming one of my main concerns as her child. I am about to start a Masters Program in August, and I need to learn ways to understand and cope with this disorder. She has gone undiagnosed for her entire life, and I need some answers. Or at the very least, some support.

[Kwamina]

Welcome hthayer44  

It's very difficult dealing with someone who's clearly disturbed yet refuses to acknowledge it. Have you talked to your dad about your suspicions of BPD? Do you have any brothers or sisters?

I understand your desire to get your mother some help. As hard as it is to accept, she is the only one that can help herself. if she doesn't want help, doesn't acknowledge her problems, there really isn't much you can do for her. What you can do however is focus on you and try to learn better ways of dealing with her behavior so it doesn't affect you that much. In dealing with my own uBPD mom I've found that setting boundaries is very important.

[Healing4Ever]

I'm wondering if you could voice your concerns to your Mom?  (with the idea that it will likely not do anything - but you never know).  Something like "I'm concerned that your drug/alcohol use is not good for your health, and I'm wondering if you think that too?  Here are some resources you can use to feel better"  (or something like that) and then have info about therapists, or support groups, or AA, or her doctor, or whatever/whoever you think she might be somewhat open to.

Unfortunately, pwBPD are very good at denying that anything is wrong.  However, as someone who loves her, I think it's a reasonable first step.  And if any of your siblings/her friends feel the same, perhaps they could be there with you when you talk?  Or they could tell her themselves as well at a separate time so she hears the same message more than once?

My Mom is definitely an uBPD, and there isn't much that I could say to her that gets her to see her own shortcomings - I don't think she has once apologized to me in her life.  (and there has been much to say sorry for!).  I can't imagine this would work with her - however, I would also want to feel that I had done all I could in hindsight.

H4E

[GeekyGirl]

Welcome! 

It has to be very painful to see your mother engaged in such self-destructive behavior. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

It's good that you recognize that this is something that your mother has to get out of herself. There's a lot of empathy and compassion in your post, and it's clear that you recognize that your mother has some limitations that might be preventing her from recognizing her destructive behavior.

If she's reluctant to get help, even for her addiction, it's going to be hard for you to convince her to get help. The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn what you can to help cope with her behavior. Who do you have to help support you--friends, other family members, a counselor?

Hang in there. There are many members here with mothers with BPD who know where you're coming from. 

-GG

[KatieRN51]

I know exactly what you mean when you describe family members only trying to fix symptoms of your mother's illness while never questioning why she acts the way she does.  I'm 35 years old and I have known my mother has BPD for about 6 years.  She also lives in a prescription drug/alcohol-induced haze; she is estranged from one sister and barely speaks to the other.  Both of them blame the meds/alcohol entirely for her behavior since their own father was an alcoholic.  My father, however, refuses to divorce my mother and is in extreme denial about her being mentally ill, to the detriment of his own mental well-being (he now drinks as much as her).  I'm fortunate enough to have a sister who also realizes that mom has BPD; she began emotionally/verbally abusing me around the time I hit puberty and it was the same for my sister.  She was nurturing and loving to us as children who didn't question her but once you showed any hint of independence, she sought to smother it right out of you.

Your expression of frustration about being unable to help someone who refuses to believe they are ill really helped me realize that this was also the question that I myself struggle with daily as my mother seems to slip away faster and faster.  In her mind, all of her problems are the fault of others (particularly my father) and it is their behavior that has caused her to "act crazy" sometimes.  I don't know if your mother is like this, but there is no discussing my mom's behavior/drug and alcohol abuse with her.  If I mention being concerned about her and wanting her to get help, the focus is immediately shifted to one of the myriad of people who have wronged her.  My sister called 911 in Sept 2011 after my mother told her on the phone that she was planning to commit suicide in her parents-in-law's driveway.  I gave the attending psychiatrist and a social worker a list of her symptoms/behaviors in the ER and told them that she had been deteriorating mentally for several years.    I told the social worker/case manager that I thought she may suffer from BPD and she agreed. She was hospitalized for 5 days and managed to convince every resident/attending MD (it was a teaching hospital) who saw her that she was just "a little down and not feeling like myself."  They swallowed it hook, line, and sinker and told my father to tell his daughters to "stop playing psychiatrist because we obviously didn't understand anything about BPD."  She charmed the socks off of everyone and was hugging the nurse/MDs/patients goodbye when I came on the floor to take her home and then she turned on me as soon as we were in the car.  It made me want to throw up.

Do you have anyone else close to you who realizes that your mom's behavior is the result of BPD? 

[Shep]

"How do you get someone help who refuses they are ill?" Meanwhile, my family is being ripped apart, and all I seek is a deeper understanding of her illness.

I'm in my late 20s and my parents divorced when I was about your age too. My mother is the one with BPD and my dad divorced her after 30-something years. My family, as I knew it, was obliterated.

I know you really want to help your mom and family. I've totally been there and I feel for you. I'm going to have to echo what others have advised: it's a good idea to first accept that people have to want to help themselves before you can help them. Don't put that giant burden on your shoulders or it will bring you down with them, and then everyone loses.

With my mother I can't be logical or empathetic. I can't be anything. I can't explain anything to her, she has no critical thinking skills, and she isn't very educated. I found that it's my absence that really shapes her behavior. She feeds off both negative and positive reactions from people, so I don't give her either when she's acting out or playing the victim.

My mother made a tiny baby step to help herself when I stopped enabling her. I stopped responding to her negative behavior and distanced myself from her. I left home permanently and made my own life, I focused on my studies, and only had contact with her through email (when I chose to respond). When I did all that my mom hit such a low that someone was able to convince her to try medication. (The medication really helped her until she went off it.)

Focusing on my own life and creating boundaries has been very beneficial to my relationship (or lack of) with my BPD mother. I feel this is the only way I can "help" her, even if it's so indirect. Maybe you want to focus on your master's for now? (I gave up on my studies - don't give up on yours! It's so hard to go back.) I don't know what your major is, but I found that my cognitive science course in university was the best thing to ever happen to me.


(Also KatieRN51, your story about your mom charming the hospital staff is heartbreaking. I'm sorry that happened to you. )

[lanaharvey]

When I became legally free of my mother's jurisdiction at age 18, I left my mother's house with a backpack and never went back. My mother convinced me to go to (what was essentially a religious couple's) therapy with her by tempting me with the deed to my car and other belongings. The sessions were mainly my mother throwing around wild accusations and reducing me to a crying heap on the floor. After about four of them, the therapist took me aside and explained that she believed my mother had BPD. She told me that my mother would never, ever, be able to comprehend having this disorder, that it was incurable, and that I shouldn't attempt any relationship with her if I still needed anything from her. She freed me from any guilt from leaving my mother behind and feelings that it was my responsibility to fix her, and encouraged me to get as far away as possible and focus on myself. It was pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me.

What I'm saying is it is NOT your responsibility to keep your family together or fix your mother. If she is borderline it is CLASSIC borderline to never understand that it's THEM and not everyone else. I recommend reading "Walking on Eggshells" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother" for your own healing and to understand and validate your own feelings. Welcome and congratulations on pursuing your master's! 

[Claire]

 First off... .

I think others have already provided some great responses, so I will not say much. Except for that I feel for you. I also have a uBPD mother who does not recognize her problem. Yes it's sad, and it's hard feeling the helplessness and responsibility for her. I especially feel for you with the divorce and the extra pressure that puts on you.

I, too, am beginning grad school in August so I can relate to the feeling of needing to have things under control/ at least some way of coping. Are you seeing a therapist? I have found that to be useful for practical tools for creating boundaries with my very needy mom, but also for dealing with the guilt that I feel anytime I say no to her because I need to do something for myself.

Anyway, welcome.  There are many of us here who can relate and many that have things much more figured out than I do. But that's the great thing about community... . learning from and supporting each other. Hope you stick around